Friday Humor: "So You Wanna Be A Trader"

Tyler Durden's picture

For all those readers who have ever considered becoming a full-time trader, we present the decision-tree for that life-changing choice.

(courtesy of John Lohman)

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battle axe's picture

Ok that was funny...

SilverTree's picture

I had to re-read the "Are you extremely inteligent?"--->Yes--->No part a few times.

Ahmeexnal's picture

Google falling off a cliff:

Time to subpoena the google boys, along with AG Placeholder.

Mark Carney's picture

My favoite to watch right now....GRPN  LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Dburn's picture

If your into Trainwrecks watch GMCR. Damn, you had two chances for a positive experience during retirement with that stock. Buying Puts the night before openings and buying puts after the opening. It's been 13 years ( or maybe one of Muddy Waters reports) since I've seen a stock get creamed like that one did.

John_Coltrane's picture

Yeah, I've been rolling my puts down and out on this loser for the last three months  (currently have Jul 13 puts).  My only worry?  Will they be offering puts at the 0 strike level where this one is headed?  However, I refuse to pay more than 0$ premium for a 0 strike put-its just doesn't make sense does it?.

withnmeans's picture

Here's an article that will make you think, I say everyone should just quit buying insurance. Asshole's are taking our money, and never lowering the rates.

q99x2's picture

'The fine could amount to more than $10 million dollars'

10000000 / 600 = 16,667 shares. Chump change.

vast-dom's picture

i'm literally shaking my 8-ball right now! 


i attempted to trade silver coin for coke with my dealer but he'd only accept fiat. can't snort the silver shit or the gold i'm shaking my 8-ball into fine powder using fiat as stand-in-tool makeshift straw!

matt_chart's picture

Haha great article, trading isn't that hard if you understand technical analysis and how emotion emotion influence trading decisions. Thats why this stuff works on short term, just watch out when Blythe hits the 'im a psycho' naked shorting attack button.


Watch these trading videos.

Training Video: Support And Resistance

Training Video: Understanding Trends

Training Video: Stock Volume As Reverse Indicator

Training Video: Using The MACD Indicator

Training Video: Using The RSI Indicator

MuppetMaster's picture

I just got into observing trading.  3 months ago I had no idea shorting the market was actually possible.  I am extremely smart, but I try to be humble. 

I think I killed my super ego and I'm pretty sure I turned my ego into a freak zombie.

But maybe it's his ploy to savotage me all over again?  Is this time different?

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to go back to being insane.  People tell me, get help; you're going crazy. 

But someone told me maybe I'm too sane, and I can't help but feel like that's the right answer.

I'm terrified of trading, b/c the whole thing looks like a game of wack-a-mole played with a hedge fund hammer and my dick...

When I look at bonds, I can see how it works.  Momentum with a few simple long term trendlines.  & lots and lots of information trading.

When I look at markets, I can see exactly how it works.  Momentum, trendlines, daily reports, with long term trendlines eventually guiding the overall structure.

When I look at individual stocks, scams though they are...  I see information, cycle period, and market trend all run the show. 

& simple as all this seems, I can't help but feel like, what if this market is easier than before all the HFT?

What if it's all a trap?  & so I must ask others who have been playing for long, has it always behaved like this?  Or is this a trap?

Are the bots eventually all going to move in a freak, out to get me type of move, ignore everything they've paid attention to before and wipe me out?

francis_sawyer's picture

Is your name "Leonard" & are you fond of bananas?

navy62802's picture

Haha. I was disqualified at the very first divergence.

Doubleguns's picture

Do you were diapers or depends?

mayhem_korner's picture



Are you rehearsing your speed-dating opening?

Doubleguns's picture

I think I could use that....

Too bad the edit is not working (were...wear)

cbxer55's picture

Edit does not work after someone replies to your comment. Keeps you from going back and editing something you might regret having said due to the reply. ;-)

Godisanhftbot's picture

 I thought you said TRAITOR

Lost Wages's picture

Are you sure that's not backwards on the "humble" question?

NotApplicable's picture

Yes, but it comes after the intelligent question, so it's moot anyway.

unclebill's picture

hmmm....I knew I should had tried a corporate job just for the kicks

miguel991's picture

Funny Stuff. Sad, but oh so true.

CvlDobd's picture


I had a friend call recently who wants to get into the industry. He wanted me to say good things and reinforce his decision to join finance. I said "Derek, I know you want me to tell you it's great but I can't. Run, don't walk as far from finance and trading if you value your sanity."

I don't think he liked that answer. I wish I had someone be honest with me and tell me that the money isn't worth shit before I wasted so much of my life on this pursuit. Every one I talked to about joining the industry said it was great. I'm not sure if they were lying to me or trying to convince themself that it's true.

veyron's picture

Selection bias.  Those that are successful will say its great; those that were not will say it sucks.

CvlDobd's picture

I must suck.

Actually, I was doing ok but my mood shifted and hasn't changed since May 6, 2010. It was solidified on the BATS IPO day. No amount of research, risk management, technical analysis, etc. can prevent a 100% paper wipeout in 900 milliseconds. Watching all those ETFs flash zero for a few minutes changed me. Watching an IPO go from $16 to zero in a few minutes made me realize I have no way to defend myself in these markets. Stop losses are meaningless and I can't believe that options will be accurately priced and go up when things flash to zero.

Maybe I am weak in the mental toughness department, who knows. I do agree with your sentiment though. I used to think it was great even during drawdowns. Now I think it sucks even during good trades.

vast-dom's picture

Well said CvlDobd. I'm in total agreement with you. It's fucking nutty out there and dirty to boot. At least you can ride your MC and enjoy life's little pleasures....

CvlDobd's picture

Yep, house is for sale and the resumes are in the mail. I'm actually working in the evenings with a friend at his bicycle shop assembling new bikes just to be around something I enjoy! Once the house sells, I'm taking the airstream to a friends property on the lake, home equity will be converted to metals, and the bank accounts become real bills. Then it is all just part time work and side projects like the bike shop gig. I'm a pretty good welder/fabricator and I have a few project bike requests. I'm putting in some serious me time and getting out of the rat race. I mentally checked out of the rat race along time ago. Now I just need to finish the deed by selling the house.

Kind of off topic, but project one is going to be a Yamaha WR supermoto with a Yamaha Banshee 2 stroke engine! Should be killer.


Motorcycles, Beer, Dogs, Metals, and Biches. Isn't that the saying?

WmMcK's picture

My name is Bill, and it's been 2 years since ...

HungrySeagull's picture

Well, the Pursuit of Happiness is always a ideal in this Country.

Traders should have sufficient meat on the bones to withstand eviscerating and being able to function after said treatment.

A mental test in the form of a ringing phone will be administered....

Seize Mars's picture

CvlDobd: I tell every new person I meet. Get away. Get the fuck away, stay away, get a real job, one where you produce something. I don't care if it doesn't pay.

Ironically, the guys who are really, really in this for the money are the guys who flame out early, I think. Guys who are just BLOODY FUCKING OBSTINATE will jump in the deep end anyways no matter what you tell them. Ha.

i love cholas's picture

Never understood the profession of a trader.

ThisIsBob's picture

Buy.  Sell higher.  Even Walmart does it.

NotApplicable's picture

Not according to the WM haters. They'll tell you the WM is guilty of "dumping."

Now excuse me while I go break some windows to help stimulate the economy.

max2205's picture

Last question..."do you feel lucky"

Strider52's picture

"So now we're reduced to hobo's arguing about who is better off because they have noticeably less shit all over them." OMG, I'm still laffing at that one, from another thread.

EclecticParrot's picture

Not sure if this is a coincidence, but this very same flowchart was used by Obama staff to populate key posts in his administration.

krispkritter's picture

Do you like hookers and blow?

Are you morally bankrupt? Would you be willing to learn?

Can you survive for an hour with your head up another persons(boss) ass?

Does the name Corzine give you a 'tingle' up your leg, ala Chris Matthews? 

Conman's picture

My Flowchart for this ponzi market goes like this.


1. Is the market up or down?

A. Up

a.Buy more - go back to 1.

B Down

b. BTFD Dummy - go to 1.

carbonmutant's picture

Ethics...? Do you have any...

Clint Liquor's picture

They forgot: 'do you use your personality for birth control?'

carambar's picture

The same would be true for some

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