FT Releases Mother Of All Rumors

Tyler Durden's picture

Remember when everyone would dread the 3pm hour when the FT would mysteriously come up with some about to be discredited deus ex machina rumor? Those days are back, and this time the FT hits us, baby, one MOAR time:

  • EU OFFICIALS WEIGH RUNNING TWO RESCUE FUNDS TOGETHER, FT SAYS
  • EU WEIGHS RUNNING TWO RESCUE FUNDS, MORE IMF SUPPORT: FT
  • EU WEIGHS GIVING ESM ACCESS TO ECB FUNDING, FT SAYS

In other words, Europe has now given up on nuances and has resorted to nuclear rumormongering: it is commingling all failed funds, adding the IMF, and promises to add Marsian capital as soon as said capital is discovered. That the EFSF was unable to raise €3 billion (and only did so with underwriters retaining half of the issued bonds) on its way to €1 trillion (let alone €2) remains irrelevant.

Some rumors that remain still to be added:

  • EU WEIGHS PULLING GOLD FILLINGS FROM CITIZENS TO BAILOUT GOLDMAN SACHS AND OTHER BANKS
  • EU OFFICIALS HAVE REACHED OUT TO ALPHA CENTAURI FOR PREFERRED SHARE INVESTMENT; INITIAL RESPONSE FAVORABLE
  • FITCH PLANNING TO RAISE EUROPE CREDIT RATING TO AAAA+
  • EUROPE PREANNOUNCES MASSIVE EPS BEAT ON BLOWING OUT CDS SPREADS

And so on.

This idiocy confirms we have officially rached the beginning of the end.

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firstdivision's picture

 ...annnd how would the ESM get ECB funding without the okay to print by Germany?

OT:

http://books.google.com/books?id=4OZAYNORresC&lpg=PA81&ots=EcDa5Pki_K&dq=boj%20reaction%20bubble&pg=PA84#v=onepage&q=boj%20reaction%20bubble&f=false

Page 84, section 3.1 third paragraph

redpill's picture

It won't be enough.  Europe needs at least 2 or 3 more acronyms to have a chance!

I think I need to buy a gun's picture

I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS INFO COME ACROSS CNBS YET?????????????????

LongSoupLine's picture

 

 

Not only has CNBS touted the rumor in full force, but added another heaping rumor course into the shitty meal du jour with an "Exclusive" interview by Michelle 'look-at-my-breasts-not-face' Cabrerra with Italy's ECB head who says "Italy bond rates have seen their peak".

I really f'ing hate these media assholes!

 

 

francis_sawyer's picture

As always... to be fair & balanced...

I... for one... DON'T hate their BREASTS... There, I said it...

 

sqz's picture

This has got to be the funniest article of the day. Combine that with the caption commentators on the ZH Merkozy hand-holding and my sides are still hurting! ZH on great form today :)

strannick's picture

Its just an unsubstantiated rumour at the moment, but I heard the Martians were selling Italian and Greek CDSs, and have an open bid for whatever Eurobonds come available in the New Year. They must know something. Anyone know if Martians are gifted with foreknowledge??

MolotovCockhead's picture

Hate breast??!! Noway!! Been dreaming of being breastfed by Angela Merkel and Carla Bruni with more rumors!

redpill's picture

She's just keeping us abreast of the situation, that's all.

dracos_ghost's picture

I heard they are going to seize the gold assets of the Leprechaun's too. So appreciate those rainbows while we have them.

And yes, Michelle's breasts are worth looking at, thank god for the mute button.

defn8Dog's picture

Tagline!  How about a great Tagline for the double barrelled bazooka?  Two Funds are More Fun!  or something

LawsofPhysics's picture

Wait for it, there will be a third fund because you need to have at least three shells for a proper shell game.

francis_sawyer's picture

How many in this forum... (& let's be honest)... Haven't thought about giving Michele Caruso Cabrera's breast the "double barreled bazooka"?

francis_sawyer's picture

<== Give 'em the double barreled bazooka

<== No, my name is CIVIC MUNDI, I save my double barreled bazookas for Justin Beiber JPEG's

Stax Edwards's picture

You motorboat'n son of a bitch!  You old sailor you!

Sudden Debt's picture

Gunpoint.

Germany will break and print.

BLANC CHEQUE BABY!!!.

Greater Fool's picture

...and when they do, they'll soon realize that they should have done it much, much sooner.

hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eurobonds are The Final Solution to the phantom menace that is the European Debt Crisis.

MolotovCockhead's picture

The Logo is all wrong, Mr Horseman. Should be Doggy style!! How about wolf doggy style on sheeps in long line?

TruthInSunshine's picture

Doggy style, with a representative taxpayer (aka serf) being bound and gagged, while having a hot poker shoved up his arse by the ghost of Mayer Amschel Rothschild (or any of his present living offspring or their hired jackals).

GoodMorningMr.VanRumpoy...'s picture

Why does that more closely resemble the black eagle under the third reich than U.S.  bald eagel?

 

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQrnRffFWjQi6tyIbjcdYjKp69JO-uxa...

pufferfish's picture

Is the eagle riding an afro comb?

WhiteNight123129's picture

Piss off the final solution... Merde.

Buck Johnson's picture

As the OP said, this is just flat out rumor mongering in order to force something.  The end is about to come and when it does, it will be horrible.

Nawaralsaadi's picture

EU WEIGHS GIVING ESM ACCESS TO ECB FUNDING, FT SAYS -  This is major.

Divided States of America's picture

The word RESCUE doesnt sound too BULLISH to me.

aldousd's picture

you wouldn't think... but when everyone's so beaten down and scared... it sounds bullish, watch the market zoom if "rescue" is actually the word that goes out.

Hard1's picture

Alpha Centauri placed on CreditWatch negative by Stellar and Planetary Ratings (S&P) on news it may touch Europe as this poses severe intergallactic contagion risk that may extend beyond the Solar System

 

On reality, the rumour is of Merkozy pulling a larger double barreled bazooka that still sprays low pressure water squirts.

wandstrasse's picture

all this EFSF stuff reminds me of my prostate.

TruthInSunshine's picture

 

 

Merkozy decided to scrap the bullshit act that wasn't working and cut to the chase:

 

Euro Zone leaders pondering Rothschild offer to bail out debt-marinated semi-sovereign nations, at an interest rate of 16.66% fixed, in exchange for securitized liens on all infrastructure in Europe, including, but not limited to, drinking water purification facilities, governmental offices, including parliamentary, judicial and other governmental bodies and facilities, farmland, roads, bridges, military equipment and troops, tax tribunals and authorities, pension funds, and such other assets as to be disclosed at a later time*.


*Supreme irony of the day = all debt that has saturated PIIGS+France+UK is already due the House of the Red Shield as it is, compliments of fractional reserve bankster hyenas.

 

Just before the plebes get an opportunity to storm the Bastille in protest of what would be a total, rather than near total, loss of their sovereignty....

 

Oh look over there! It's a [insert black flag/engineered calamity/circusInfinitized/sheeple catnip of your choice here]

CompassionateFascist's picture

Damn you anti-semites. Damn you to hell and back.

WhiteNight123129's picture

Got my bottle of Champagne and my foie gras ready when the French Franc is re-introduced. Champagne ages relatively ok, and the fois gras is in the can so it can last a couple of years. I won´t have to throw it away. On the bright side, the faster the SHTF the faster we can rebuild.... Bring this on so we can get over with it, and so we can get wasted with good booze.

francis_sawyer's picture

"Rescue" is a 'BOT' term...

It only means something to MIT geeks (who write the algos for the squid)... You're not in the club...

PAPA ROACH's picture

Major? Because levered debt upon levered debt will fix a levered debt problem? I agree with Tyler, this is the beginning of the end...

EscapeKey's picture

Nothing a couple of quadrillion of derivatives can't fix.

Or horribly amplify.

redpill's picture

Not to worry, it's all hedged, and net exposure is zero.  What could go wrong?

hugovanderbubble's picture

Why not 3 funds instead of 2?

Whom gonna place the money for the funds? Offshore Accounts?

FALSE HISTORY again crappy manipulated by curiously UK MEDIA....INCREDIBLE....

 

 

Schmuck Raker's picture

I disagree somewhat.

"ECB WEIGHS GIVING ESM ACCESS TO ECB FUNDING, FT SAYS"   Would be major.

oogs66's picture

Which rules do they just break and which do they do complex things to work around?

Johnny Yuma's picture
  • ECB TO ACQUIRE FITCH RATINGS TO PROVIDE MORE TRANSPARENT EU RATINGS
SheepDog-One's picture

HOORAY Europe is magically fixed! A sprinkle of Pixie dust here, maybe some angel dust thrown in too....a little unicorn horn there...FIXED!

Now, sell the news!

Nascent_Variable's picture

EU announces formation of 137 distinct bailout vehicles, which will continually bailout countries and each other for the next century.  Heads of everyone in Europe, who understands basic economics and mathematics, exlplode instantly and simultaneously, leaving the measure unopposed.

upWising's picture

Long MAGIC WANDS (which only take AAA+ batteries)

kito's picture

sell the news sheepie?? but why, I BELIEVE!!!!!

Tortfeasor's picture

Tyler's final sentence is the most important.  Get ready, people!

AllThatGlitters's picture

How?  I haven't bought Graham's reports yet LOL.

Buy gold?  It is spiking nicely:  http://www.oilbull.com/gold-price/

I suppose a little spare food might be a good idea.