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Goldman Responds To Greg Smith, Darth Vader Is Leaving The Empire, And More...
Because every former employee confession has an equal and opposite reaction from "toxic and destructive" firms. And what a better way to test the PR disaster damage control skills of the firm's new global head of corporate communications: former Treasury aide and Geithner lackey Jake Siewert. In other news, Goldman is now promptly adding perpetual non-disparagement clauses to all employee contracts. Retroactively, if possible.
From Bloomberg:
Goldman Sachs Group Inc. (GS) said it disagreed with comments made by Greg Smith, a departing employee who attacked the firm’s “toxic and destructive” culture in an opinion piece in today’s New York Times.
“In our view, we will only be successful if our clients are successful,” the New York-based firm said in a statement today. “This fundamental truth lies at the heart of how we conduct ourselves.”
Elsewhere, Emperor Palpatine is also caught in a PR debacle.
Why I am leaving the Empire, by Darth Vader
TODAY is my last day at the Empire.
'I no longer have the pride, or the belief'
After almost 12 years, first as a summer intern, then in the Death Star and now in London, I believe I have worked here long enough to understand the trajectory of its culture, its people and its massive, genocidal space machines. And I can honestly say that the environment now is as toxic and destructive as I have ever seen it.
To put the problem in the simplest terms, throttling people with your mind continues to be sidelined in the way the firm operates and thinks about making people dead.
The Empire is one of the galaxy's largest and most important oppressive regimes and it is too integral to galactic murder to continue to act this way. The firm has veered so far from the place I joined right out of Yoda College that I can no longer in good conscience point menacingly and say that I identify with what it stands for.
For more than a decade I recruited and mentored candidates, some of whom were my secret children, through our gruelling interview process. In 2006 I managed the summer intern program in detecting strange disturbances in the Force for the 80 younglings who made the cut.
I knew it was time to leave when I realised I could no longer speak to these students inside their heads and tell them what a great place this was to work.
How did we get here? The Empire changed the way it thought about leadership. Leadership used to be about ideas, setting an example and killing your former mentor with a light sabre. Today, if you make enough money you will be promoted into a position of influence, even if you have a disturbing lack of faith.
What are three quick ways to become a leader? a) Execute on the firm's 'axes', which is Empire-speak for persuading your clients to invest in 'prime-quality' residential building plots on Alderaan that don't exist and have not existed since we blew it up. b) 'Hunt Elephants'. In English: get your clients - some of whom are sophisticated, and some of whom aren't - to tempt their friends to Cloud City and then betray them. c) Hand over rebel smugglers to an incredibly fat gangster.
When I was a first-year analyst I didn't know where the bathroom was, or how to tie my shoelaces telepathically. I was taught to be concerned with learning the ropes, finding out what a protocol droid was and putting my helmet on properly
so people could not see my badly damaged head.
My proudest moments in life - the pod race, being lured over to the Dark Side and winning a bronze medal for mind control ping-pong at the Midi-Chlorian Games - known as the Jedi Olympics - have all come through hard work, with no shortcuts.
The Empire today has become too much about shortcuts and not enough about remote strangulation. It just doesn’t feel right to me anymore.
I hope this can be a wake-up call. Make killing people in terrifying and unstoppable ways the focal point of your business again. Without it you will not exist. Weed out the morally bankrupt people, no matter how much non-existant Alderaan real estate they sell. And get the culture right again, so people want to make millions of voices cry out in terror before being suddenly silenced.
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I want to puke!
Off topic, but must-watch:
The always entertaining Nigel Farage
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OW0C_SRbamg&list=UU-XsHHcuGtyzQMmuITIQCpg...
Not sure.. Just felt the need to get inside this article and post a comment..
Retroactively, if possible
For sure, if it's good enough for the Greeks, then GS ought to be able to do it too
Just like EU pensions, disparage them and no more pension for anyone in receipt of an EU pension or pay-off.
"It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it." Upton Sinclair
Wow.....an official response. Clearly this is worse than originally thought.
Quick.....slam the precious metals......that always works.
Is it just me, or does anyone else have a hard time feeling sorry for people who deal with GS? I mean you would have to live under a rock to not understand what they are about.
“In our view, we will only be successful if our clients are successful,” the New York-based firm said in a statement today. “This fundamental truth lies at the heart of how we conduct ourselves.”
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's so funny, I just about passed my Calamari Linguine through my nose at the dinner table.
...so we recommend muppet training to all clients.
Smith wanted job satisfaction and the $$$.
Boo-hoo. Want fries with that?
Sounds like he was a little fish in the barracuda pool.
"Muppet Training" You're talking about Fisting them, yes? Like auditioning for bit parts in Caligula 2, with Arnold Schwartzenegger cast as the emperor this time.
At least they kept it short. If you're obliged to make a statement that everyone knows is BS for the sake of appearances, it's good form to at least not waste any more time than necessary on the part of the reader.
Excellent point. Still...should have signed-off with a "Bwaa-ha-ha!"
And his statement is incedibly accurate (paraphrasing): "the truth of what I am now saying is evident in how we conduct ourselves". I think it is a cry for help! Also interesting the juxtaposition of "truth lies" I'm telling you its a signal.
I get it - he's been replaced by a pr writing algo that needs a bit of tuning. Tyler needs one of those.
Well what did you expect them to say, "hell yes, we screw over our clients every chance we can to make our Billions". We could never be so lucky...
Don't ask for consent, just insert the CAC.
Jake, they certainly don't pay you by the word count.
Bwah ha ha ha ha ah
Banking is about as real as Hollywood so the analogy kind of fits.
This sums up what they do:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPdnBtqcNzM
(very funny, have look)
Tyler has a future writing/doing comedy...LMAO...Thanks! The sarcasm is pricless.
Fraud is big business. As is covering up said fraud.
GS employ traders and lawyers.
And the SEC "employs" porn stars.
That chap is Bantha Fodder. I hope he has a few eyes in the back of his head.
Nice to see Darth Vadar speaking out on issues of principle.
when darth does some soul searching about the evils being perpetrated at his place of employ, you're dealing with some serious shit.
How noble... After so many years of making millions at GS your soul can go to heaven now. Try not to drop your yacht anchor on anyones head when docking
Yea good point...some guy is taking his millions and turns when he's out the door and yells 'Hey BTW you guys are CROOKS'! Gee, such a whistle blower.
In this overall environment of thought control and regulatory capture, I am grateful to get any candid, authoritative, perspective published. There is no pure ethic or morality for humans; if our progressed death has been through a thousand cuts, so to any death of the killer will be by a thousand cuts. Mr. ... G S 's cut is one I'll accept as worth while.
Maybe he can find gainfull employment over and Han Solo's new temp agency: Han-Jobs
NCAA (I mean NDAA) will take care of him!
Muppets Taken By Manhattan.
"In our view, we will only be successful if our clients are successful"
Hey Goldman, remember how you 'helped' out Greece? 'mmeber that.
IN other news Greg Smith has started his own ZH knock off blog and expects to reap millions through online advertisers........
“In our view, we will only be successful if our clients are successful,” the New York-based firm said in a statement today. “This fundamental truth lies at the heart of how we conduct ourselves.”
Only if you're actually acting in an agency capacity.
If the money-changing-hands relationship between parties outside and inside GS is best characterized as counterparty/customer then….maybe but not necessarily.
…not that there’s anything wrong with that per se (although buyer beware when GS starts deploying in-house financial engineering to make the later look like the former). But please, we’re not fucking beginners here.
Why don't you just adopt a Google-esque corporate motto like "We're Totally Not Doing Anything Wrong Here." until the new PR guy loses his training wheels.
Well Duh. The clients have to be successful to keep dumping money into a losing trade.
There is a cost for laundering money, ya know.
So finally ZH will stop posting GS research??
What, youre exasperated that ZH posts Golden Slacks research and calls and such? So youre one of those 'Show me LESS of whats really going on' guys. Huh, ok.
Just not sure repeating the GS (or pick any other bank) is evil and corrupt story a dozen times per week really adds anything to the discourse (understanding it may be a click producer). It seems to be settled science here that does not seem to need constant repitition. It does not seem "what's really going on" is any different today than yesterday, last week or last year.
"I will have the penna ala arrabiata..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv5iEK-IEzw
soooo, we're NOT building a death star?
Sorry, now we're calling them "global default swap planetoid-delivery vehicles"
now write one by optimus prime
what is it, the Empire Strikes Back, ta da da da da, da da da da
"we will only be successful if our clients are successful." GS doesn't mean successful with respect to their investments at GS, they mean otherwise successful business people who earned their wealth in every other way than giving it up to them. What would GS be doing with unsuccesful people to begin with? No use for them.
Hey, I got something to show you. (It's my surprised face):
WHaaaaoah!!!
http://blog.ml-implode.com/2012/03/chases-predatory-credit-card-behavior-shows-how-consumer-ire-is-deserved/
They probably have that baby under contract already. Apprenticeship program....to mold, like a proper young Lebed
If anyone is stupid enough to trust their money in Giant Squid they deserve to get it stolen.
SD-1
It's not being stolen, it's being laundered - uh, recycled.
There is some costs associated with that.
May the Muppets be with you!
'We need our clients to be successful'....well of course, GS doesnt want the hoi-paloi, commoners have no real money for them to steal.
I find Alderaan Real Estate disturbingly reminiscent of a shitty deal, Admiral Durden.
GEHHHHHHHHH GUHHHHHHHH..
It's a Trap!!
NO DISINTEGRATIONS
Hmmmm... Let's see Gods work and confidentiality agreements....I believe it was Frank Zappa who said that The US is in danger of becoming a Fascist Theocracy.
Here, Goldman can lead a gain with a new concept in confidentiality agreements that employees sign. As a quasi religious/governmental organization, every communication with clients is conncidered as being a "confessional". Ergo any communication between employees is now covered, violation is now punishable by excommunication. Current excom rites may include the use of lead, plastic bags and cement depending upon the nature of the violation of "clients" rights. The company is covered in its excom agreement because most polliticians and government employees are already in the "church" or like it so much they are modifying and adopting it as their own confidentiality agreement.
Please note that I have highlighted it through the Pi code, revealing secret messages accessable only to those with the secret Pi decoder ring. Obviously the new religion needs a little mysticism 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592
Wow, someone really hates the idea of Pi day...
sry .. rehypothication
Church of rehy-Pothagoration?
So now we know why Goldman recommended it's employees carry guns; and it's not self defense because there aren't enough bullets.
I wanted to be a good 'Jedi'...for the Empire, chaste and respectful, like a Vatican monk
.....but there was all 'dem hookers...and free lines of coke, with OPM to foot the bill....
Ahhhh....memories
Translated, "We only want clients who have lots of money. Therefore, when we ocassionally make our clients unsuccessful or drive them into bankruptcy for profit, we must dump them and get new ones.
“In our view, we will only be successful if our clients are successful”
Goldmanese:
"In our view, we are only successful if our clients THINK they are only successful because of us."
God forbid rich people actually start to manage their OWN money.
The culture of corruption has infected our society from head to toe. The stock market has created a culture of business where all that matters is profit at any expense. There are a few pockets of morality left but they have very little chance of success, due to being forced to play in the same market as the immoral.
In order to become a success you must succumb to evil and learn the ways of deciet, deception, and wrath. You must be willing to destory anyone in your path in order to reachthe top. Even if it means destroying the guy who gave you your job. Right now upper employees will not respect you unless you got to their level using dirty underhanded tactics, taking out a few competitors along the way. Your fellow employees are not team members, they are your competitors.
Ripping people off through fraud is preferable to honest business because there is more profit in fraud. Making unsafe products to save a few pennies is to be applauded. In fact if you do not maximize profit as a designer you will be fired, even if your design meant a higher quality product.
In 15 years of working for many different corporations and witnessing the pure evil first hand, I don't know if I can ever work for a large company again. Talking to cluless CEO after CEO with absolutely no business skills, only skill to manipulate stock. Seeing right in front of my eyes the total lack of accountability and watching as a CFO tells the CEO how much he thinks he can massage numbers for the quarter. Watching a CEO fire a hard working employee during an important project just because he didn't like the guys suggestion. Having a buyer tell me the reported numbers for his sales were higher than the total he actually bought. It goes on and on.
Cheating, stealing other work and passing it off as your own is also the quickest way to the top, and the most rewarding. Even if the boss knows you stole everything, you'll get the promotion because you showed initiative. The lazy get a pass if they are the favorite of the boss. Most likely the kid of a friend who gives the boss hot stock tips.
Everything is about stock. Every company incorporated has the goal of going public to cash out. Business is not about providing services, or products to make life better. It is how to scam as much money as possible before you are caught.
At my first job I designed toys for children. I made a push car and specified certain bolts that were tested for the proper weight. I was called into my boss's office and yelled at for a solid 20 minutes about how I was costing him money and the next time I specified a part when there was a cheaper alternative, I would be fired. I told him the cheaper bolt was not rated for the weight requirement, and was only $.10 cheaper saving about $.60 per unit. If you are that concerned about $.60 on a $55 wholesale item just raise the wholesale price by $.60. The cheaper bolts will be unsafe and you might get sued when a productbreaks an hurts a little kid. He siad if the product breaks I will just claim the Chinese used the wrong bolts. I wish I could say that was the only time in my career where something like that happened.
I was hired by a company to design a new line of products. I didn't know anything about the company other than I was just going to design bracelets. Turns out they were the Balance Band type product. A continuation of a centuries old scam. I watched as company representatives trained product reps how to manipulate the tests to convince the customer that the product was indeed helping their balance. Actively engaging in fraud to make money. People being shown how to manipulate and they were fine with it because that is how they would make money. I told the CEO I would not design a product intended to defraud. He said what are you some kind of christian or something.
The nice thing about GS is I usually know which way the trade is going. If the clients are too dense to figure this out -- too bad.
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