Guest Post: And The Douchebag Of The Year Award Goes To……

Tyler Durden's picture

Submitted by Mark McHugh from Across the Street

And The Douchebag Of The Year Award Goes To……

Unless February 29th is the new April Fool’s Day, I’m pretty sure  Alan Dlugash locked up DOTY with this remark:

People who don’t have money don’t understand the stress.   Could you imagine what it’s like to say I got three kids in private school, I have to think about pulling them out?   How do you do that?”

Dluglash is describing the horror of scraping by on $350,000 a year.   Really.  How could you lucky bastards ever understand?

Ordinary Americans, with their fancy foodstamps and foreclosure notices, are increasingly turning a blind eye to the plight of the people who outsourced their jobs.  You  just don’t get it, do you?    These people are light years smarter than you, and they work really hard.  Now things are so dire, some are actually considering sending their kids to school with your germy kids.   It’s bad.

Some have even been forced to shop for discount Salmon.  How could people who enjoy cat food ever understand that kind of humiliation?  If someone doesn’t halt this death spiral soon they may have to settle for Microsoft products (which even poor people hate).  

This is all a joke, right?  Cause if it’s not, wait ’til they find out about Walmart….


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mikla's picture

Clearly many people will want to help him with his problem.

Perhaps he should pick one of those "care-free" people to favor by trading burdens.

LetThemEatRand's picture

Let him eat Rand.

Couldn't stop myself.

The Big Ching-aso's picture



Whatta douchewoggle.   I suppose he'd also be offended if he was noosed with just average hemp.


brewing's picture

did you guys see that tim tebow is dating taylor swift...

Troll Magnet's picture

oh THAT's news. can we get a 24/7 coverage of this? americans NEED this sort of shit, err, i mean news.

brewing's picture

i was just trying to the steal away the douchebag of the year award...

dwdollar's picture

It's tough times, even for The Onion. Real life satire is just too good anymore. Why read The Onion when the regular news is funnier.

knukles's picture

And Snooki's pregnant.
The end is nigh.

IndicaTive's picture

And the Daydream Believer is dead. And so goes Pleasant Valley Sunday.

LetThemEatRand's picture

If he said "fuck" more publicly, he would still be alive.  At least that's my theory.  Fuck.

TruthInSunshine's picture

C'mon, these people aren't the haves. They're above average in terms of income, but not wealthy.

The haves are the ones who make that in a month, or a week. Some of them legitimately obtain such money because they work hard, providing a service or good that's in demand, and they have figured out an efficient, profitable way to satisfy that demand. Others who generate this type of income are Crony Capitalists (which is essentially the same thing as anti-capitalists), or people who inherit such income streams or lump sums of wealth in the 8 or 9 or 10 figure range (and these people are merely lucky, but unlike the Crony Capitalists, they haven't manipulated the system or cheated anyone - those who showered them with such wealth may have, however, and thus they're as tainted as the cheater, under the fruit of the poisonous tree doctrine).

The wealth divide in the U.S. is (I believe - correct me if I'm mistaken) greater than any other developed nation. I don't mind a wealth divide, but the problem I have is the manner in which that wealth divide occurs. Many, many, many of 'the haves' (I'll call them people who earn 500k+ a year and/or who have 10 million+ of liquidity, ranging all the way up to the true haves, who have income of tens of millions per year and net wealth of the hundreds of millions) have come into such a position through not what, but who, they know, and not by the fruits of their talent or labor, but the creativity and ingenuity of their scheming.

Many CEOs of large corporations do make 300 to 500 times the pay of the average employee at the company they are managing, which is far higher than the 30 to 40 times a Japanese CEO would make, or the 80 to 100 times a typical, similarly situated German CEO would make. Is this unjust? I can't provide an absolute answer as there are so many variables.

[I have a seperate opinion about this as it relates to part of a greater equity market investing scam, IMO, however. Without getting into the other details about how things such as index rejiggering/survivorship bias, failure to account for adverse tax consequences of anything other than long term buy&hold, etc., alter the REPORTED HISTORICAL performance of equity market investing by people like Jeremy Siegel, too many publicly traded corporations today are lying when their management claims their goal is to maximize shareholder value. In fact, it can be proven through actions and numbers that the publicly traded corporation, more often than not, is a vehicle by which upper management can bleed incredible amounts of money from the company, like a parasite on a host, through the use of exorbinant and lavish perks like use of jets and massive housing stipends and expense accounts, golden parachute retirement packages, exorbitant pay and benefits, etc.]

Crony Capitalism is the real problem.

A classic example of the Crony Capitalist in modern day America is some guy who lands the administration of a city's pension fund because he went to school with a high ranking official in that city who has the authority to mete out such contracts, and who provides all kinds of kickbacks to that high ranking official and their family and friends in order to ensure continuation of that contract; or a defense contractor who similarly lands a contract providing products (maybe even shoddy products) to the government/military, not because they are providing the best products at the best price, in a true competitive process, but because they know someone or even a group of people (or politicians...awww!) who have the authority to award the contract(s).

Speaking of Crony Capitalists who cheat the system, rob people blind, and are pond scum, generally speaking:


Born Right the FIRST Time's picture

as a comedian once explained the difference between being rich and being wealthy.goes like this:

Shaq,the player,makes 41 million$ a year.he plays 82 basketball games a year.that's 500,000$ a game.that man is RICH.the man who signs his paychecks is WEALTHY!

TruthInSunshine's picture

True wealth is having a lock on a segment of a vital means of production or supply of services, which guarantees an income stream of massive proportion for life (and beyond). Think Getty. Carlos Slim and Lakshmi Mittal are there (major control of large segments of global production of cement and steel, respectively).

What many people think of as wealthy is what you're referring to by way of Chris Rock's comments, which rings true. Look at all the entertainers and athletes who once were worth many millions and are now bankrupt.

I believe Mike Tyson literally burned through 360 million dollars.

stirners_ghost's picture

The same Getty that wouldn't sum to jack squat without the copyright lobby? You need a better example.

TruthInSunshine's picture

J. Paul Getty the oil magnate.

Copyright lobby?

One of us is missing something. It could be me. If so, let me know.

Arthur's picture

Getty Photo's.   I think owned by a Getty trust capitolizing on the various pictures and art work Getty aquired.  Just the rich getting richer.

hamurobby's picture

Getty is an exellent example. He was a college educated wildcatter who got very lucky (by his own admission) and who was stubborn enough that he would never sell out to standard oil. He ran Getty oil his whole life, costing him numerous wives. He lived to work, and when he was gone, the family(s) shred Getty oil.

Bob's picture

it can be proven through actions and numbers that the publicly traded corporation, more often than not, is a vehicle by which upper management can bleed incredible amounts of money from the company, like a parasite on a host, through the use of exorbinant and lavish perks like use of jets and massive housing stipends and expense accounts, golden parachute retirement packages, exorbitant pay and benefits, etc.

Exactly. This is the profound state of pathological entitlement that drives the wholesale siphoning of public corporate assets by a class of sociopaths who have built a business culture which actively supports and promotes it. 

I think we blur the role of this dynamic in our various attributions to, e.g., "the banks".  The genuine needs and interests of "the banks" and other large corporations are quite different from those of the pirates who run and plunder them.  The most obvious example is reserves for mortgage related and other losses that are lowballed on balance sheets in order to show "profits" that recklessly place the survival of the corporation itself at risk in order to allow outsized bonuses.

DaveyJones's picture

Hobart Very good sir, very good. Oh, there's some charity people
here to see you sir.

Navin Mo, send them away! There's a lot of people more deserving
than me.

Hobart Ah, but these people want you to give.

Navin Oh, o.k.

  - The Jerk

dogbreath's picture

his three kids are training to be douchbags too

Troll Magnet's picture

he should really consider downgrading from 3 maseratis to 2. times are hard and we all need to sacrifice.

infinity8's picture

I quit working for him at least 10 times in my life. With style.

TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

The Big Ching-aso said:

Whatta douchewoggle.   I suppose he'd also be offended if he was noosed with just average hemp.

Andrew Schiff, Douchebag of the Year: "Wait a minute, this noose isn't silk! And just look at that lamp post - it doesn't even have brass fittings!"


non_anon's picture

I read the article and Peter Schiff's brother was crying about this also, what a bunch of fakes!

jeff montanye's picture

so much for a political career

r00t61's picture

The synopsis is somewhat inaccurate.

The person complaining about not getting by on $350,000 is not Dluglash, but Andrew Schiff, brother of Peter Schiff, who works as director of marketing at Euro Pacific Capital.

The fellow Dluglash is a financial planner for the wealthy, and he's making a sort of suppositionary statement about the kinds of things that his clients might and will say in light of their smaller paychecks.

One of Schiff's quotes:

“I wouldn’t want to whine,” Schiff said. “All I want is the stuff that I always thought, growing up, that successful parents had.”

There are bigger douches in the article, like "Wall Street headhunter Daniel Arbeeny," who "...drove to Fairway Market in the Red Hook section of Brooklyn to buy discounted salmon for $5.99 a pound."

Or this other guy, Richard Scheiner: "Scheiner said he spends about $500 a month to park one of his two Audis in a garage and at least $7,500 a year each for memberships at the Trump National Golf Club in Westchester and a gun club in upstate New York. A labradoodle named Zelda and a rescued bichon frise, Duke, cost $17,000 a year, including food, health care, boarding and a daily dog-walker who charges $17 each per outing, he said."

Or this guy, Hans Kullberg:

Hans Kullberg, 27, a trader at Wyckoff, New Jersey-based hedge fund Falcon Management Corp. who said he earns about $150,000 a year, is adjusting his sights, too.

After graduating from the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania in 2006, he spent a $10,000 signing bonus from Citigroup Inc. (C) on a six-week trip to South America. He worked on an emerging-markets team at the bank that traded and marketed synthetic collateralized debt obligations.

What little pity I can muster for other human beings is normally reserved for children born with terminal diseases, people who have been unjustly incarcerated, people attempting to escape from terrible governments like Communist Cuba, Stasi Germany, and maybe a few others.  Dopes that get involved in financial douchebaggery trading derivative-upon-derivative products that they probably don't even understand, all because their Pavlovian desire to acquire fiat $$$ has overridden all sense of morality and rationality, will get none from me.  They deserve to bear the brunt of the consequences for their "thintelligent" behavior - mastering details of high finance, but utterly failing to grasp the larger picture of the rise and fall of all empires.

All that stuff that Schiff and the rest of these loons wants - material possessions - was only made possible by American Empire; just like massive country houses and servants were only made possible by British Empire.  These guys probably watched too many movies as children and bought it into the glamorous, Madison-avenue manufactured lifestyle being shown.  They felt entitled to the "good life."  Now that it seems to be slipping through their fingers, they get to complain about it on Bloomberg.

LetThemEatRand's picture

What most Ayn Rand worshiping douches don't understand is that their lifeboat has a hole in it.  They can pull up the ladder all they want on the help who jumped in after them, but they will be drowing right along with them when the hole gets big enough.  Meanwhile, the owner of the White Star line will call up the insurance company and report his claim on his way to the Club.  

mtomato2's picture

Having read your stuff over the past several months, it has become ever more clear to me that you have never read a word by Ayn Rand.  Or if you did, you are too shallow and myopic to see the myriad issues she confronted, brought to the table, and hashed out in broad daylight.  Were I so inclined, I would school you, but I honestly dont think you want to know or understand some of her prescient brilliance.  Was she right all the time? No.  Was she right about everything? Not even close.

Did her entire philosophy revolve around a self-centered, uncharitable, "I got mine, so fuck you" existance.  Not by any stretch. 

Grow the hell up and think for once.


ForWhomTheTollBuilds's picture

I was gonna bring up Rand, so this looks like the place...


I read The Fountainhead a long long time ago and one of the clearer memories was a character complaining that because he was born rich, unlike Roark, he never had a chance to prove himself by climbing out of adversity.  For this, he held Roark as having an unfair advantage over him.

I remember at the time thinking Rand was maybe fudging just a little to make her case seem stronger than it really was.  Felt the same way when I read AS as well.


Anyway, isn't it amazing to see real life people uttering things just as ridiculous as her "evil" characters did?


On an unrelated note in the late 90s a Canadian politician once said high taxes were a benefit to people because the govt was helping people to become more efficient with the money they were allowing us to keep!



LetThemEatRand's picture

Was she wrong all of the time? No.  She certainly was correct that competing simplistic ideologies such as communism are incredibly destructive and unworkable.  But she was a narcissist who created her central philosophy -- openly -- based upon pure self-interest and personal greed.  If you don't see that, you are the one that needs to reread her.   

Sophist Economicus's picture

ok - prove it. Cite one reference that PROVES your idiotic rant. Go ahead, we're babes in the woods waiting for your enlightenment


gmrpeabody's picture

Forget about trying to reason with him..., the dickhead isn't worth the effort.

jeff montanye's picture

this reference seems relevant.

ayn rand, who let me, when i was fourteen, see the value of reading books as a way of understanding the world, rather than as mere entertainment or facts, does not, imo, stay as persuasive as one ages. absolutes, like living for oneself, don't seem as convincing after (step) grandchildren.  selfishness, like automatic weapons, is a resource best used with utmost discretion.  clearly those in the article above (and the crony capitalists broadly defined) have been engaging in some poorly planned drivebys.

swmnguy's picture

"There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs."

-John Rogers

sun tzu's picture

Just what I thought. Your sub-chimp IQ couldn't come up with any examples. Quit your whining, you worthless sack of shit parasite. Just kill yourself to take your family out of it's misery of living with a douchebag like you

crowdoc's picture

Ya know, that's some really lame shit your shoveling, dim sun.

sun tzu's picture

You lame brains deserve lame shit. Shove it up your ass, sonny boy.

StychoKiller's picture

Even Jesus of Nazareth couldn't please everyone, get over it.

Likstane's picture

. "Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness, not pain or self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values." -Ayn Rand.   What is Ayn's baseline for moral integrity?  What does Ayn consider her happiness?  According to Ayn's own words, she only answers to her own moral integrity.  Being an atheist, she has rejected the Creator's moral authority and substituted her own.  She epitomizes the delusion of the goodness of man and is another great example of false humility.  Jeremiah 17:9  The heart is more deceitful than all else and in desperately wicked; who can know it?   

Hobbleknee's picture

She defeated this argument herself on Phil Donahue. You can find it on youtube.  Of course, the audience wouldn't listen, much like LetThemEatRand.