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Guest Post: The Fed's Secret Phone Menu

Tyler Durden's picture


Submitted by Charles Hugh Smith from Of Two Minds

The Fed's Secret Phone Menu

Very few know about the Federal Reserve's "other" phone number. You know, the one reserved for those in the innermost ring of power. Someone gifted me the number, and I found it offered up the most curious menu of choices:

Greetings. Please select one of the following options.


The Working Group for Global Domination does not exist. Members please press 1.


If you are a European leader seeking a secret bailout, please press 2.


If you are Chinese leader seeking assistance purchasing another Beverly Hills mansion with cash, please press 3.


If you are a domestic banker seeking another tranch of our $29 trillion in backstop funding, please press 4.


If you are an incumbent POTUS seeking re-election in a recessionary year, please press 5.


If you represent one of our proxy trading desks, please press 6 for your S&P 500 futures purchase instructions. As a reminder, please trade your own account via black pools.


If you would like today's target for the S&P 500 and Treasuries to assist in trading your own individual account, please press 7.


For bulk purchases of Hopium and/or Delusionol, please press 8.

Curious, indeed. America's privately owned central bank is an enchanted world, to be sure, where shadow systems do not officially exist, where blatant manipulation of the stock market is denied, and where global bankers get preferential treatment of all their needs.

In this shadow system, democracy, accountability and transparency do not exist. Within the innermost ring of power, democracy is merely the necessary illusion maintained for the psychological benefit of the easily distracted debt-serfs.

As long as they believe in democracy, social mobility and the supremacy of American might, they are happy to while away their time playing or watching mindless games. It's the perfect setup for easy control.

And if they get restive, there's always food stamps and a media-injected "treatment" of Delusionol.


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Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:22 | Link to Comment debtor of last ...
debtor of last resort's picture

What''s that around Bernankes finger?

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:23 | Link to Comment Captain Benny
Captain Benny's picture


Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:24 | Link to Comment Uchtdorf
Uchtdorf's picture


Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:33 | Link to Comment WhyDoesItHurtWh...
WhyDoesItHurtWhen iPee's picture

barbaric relic

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:47 | Link to Comment tocointhephrase
tocointhephrase's picture

Its his protector, you know, incase of really really bad outcomes!

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:49 | Link to Comment ATM
ATM's picture

He calls it an asset.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:47 | Link to Comment WhyDoesItHurtWh...
WhyDoesItHurtWhen iPee's picture

all your secret phone numbers are belong to us.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:29 | Link to Comment Seorse Gorog fr...
Seorse Gorog from that Quantum Entanglement Fund. alright_.-'s picture

The world's ring-piece

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:31 | Link to Comment fleur de lis
fleur de lis's picture

Imagine looking at that horrifying mug first thing every morning.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:33 | Link to Comment spastic_colon
spastic_colon's picture

got it from Frodo.....his precious

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 13:05 | Link to Comment viahj
viahj's picture


One Ring (balance sheet) to rule them all, One Ring (balance sheet) to find them, One Ring (balance sheet) to bring them all and in the darkness bind them In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:08 | Link to Comment Chaffinch
Chaffinch's picture

Tail risk

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:42 | Link to Comment eatthebanksters
eatthebanksters's picture

risky tail is always more fun!

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:22 | Link to Comment vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

so there's this big horse race and bernank is in attendance. the frontrunner is not his pick. too bad he can't change the rules in the middle of the race, unless of course someone in the parking lot shoots the horse. but it's all a distraction from the real thievery anyhow....

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:23 | Link to Comment pods
pods's picture

I gotta get me some delusionol.


Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:09 | Link to Comment slewie the pi-rat
slewie the pi-rat's picture

delusionol is produced naturally as a by-product of MSM poison

very much like certain allergic reactions to certain plants which leave one in pre-verbal orbitol


  • decrease MSM input
  • increase vitaminQ by vaporizing the chronic
  • enjoy hopelessness renewed!
Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:28 | Link to Comment El Viejo
El Viejo's picture

Beats Enditol, but Escapitol is nice.


Uptight???  Try Damnitol.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 13:07 | Link to Comment viahj
viahj's picture


Fri, 06/15/2012 - 21:29 | Link to Comment slewie the pi-rat
slewie the pi-rat's picture

you are the great fukitolio, va-jay-jay

the centralBanksters are acting togerther this weekend and printing TP for your bunghole

more coffee?

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:25 | Link to Comment stant
stant's picture

soon to be[ with asian accent] we are under new managment now ,please leave message if you plan to comply

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:01 | Link to Comment owensdrillin
owensdrillin's picture

Hewro. You have leached the fedelall leserve. Fluc u white guys too.

No more fluctuasians with the currency.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:24 | Link to Comment HoofHearted
HoofHearted's picture

And then to say, "Would you rike eggrow with your birrion dorrar bairout?"

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 13:57 | Link to Comment 3FrenchHens
3FrenchHens's picture

+ 10 minute

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:28 | Link to Comment LULZBank
LULZBank's picture

I like Benny Boy's poses though. Makes him look like so wise and thoughtful.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:30 | Link to Comment Seorse Gorog fr...
Seorse Gorog from that Quantum Entanglement Fund. alright_.-'s picture

All he needs is the halo

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:33 | Link to Comment Paul Atreides
Paul Atreides's picture

Would prefer a red dot...

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:49 | Link to Comment ATM
ATM's picture

Laser generated?

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:03 | Link to Comment Paul Atreides
Paul Atreides's picture

I plead the 5th

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 12:21 | Link to Comment eatthebanksters
eatthebanksters's picture close range...

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 13:18 | Link to Comment Lucky Guesst
Lucky Guesst's picture

That might not be satisfying enough. I think I prefer something with more string attached... like rope.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:27 | Link to Comment CaptainObvious
CaptainObvious's picture

Yeah, those poses do make him look wise and thoughtful. Until you realize that if you put a chimp in a business suit and trained it to sit in those poses, the chimp would look wiser and more thoughtful.  And it would probably make better decisions, too.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:59 | Link to Comment RiverRoad
RiverRoad's picture

OMG, I think he's praying! We're really in trouble.....

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:32 | Link to Comment No Euros please...
No Euros please we're British's picture

No extension for the Fort Knox audit department?

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:35 | Link to Comment CommunityStandard
CommunityStandard's picture

That would imply they exist.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:38 | Link to Comment Iconomissed
Iconomissed's picture

Printer repairman, please press #666

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:40 | Link to Comment yabyum
yabyum's picture

Please press 666 for buggery of the taxpayers.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:45 | Link to Comment Vincent Vega
Vincent Vega's picture

1-800-EAT-SHIT #Ben

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:46 | Link to Comment Benjamin Glutton
Benjamin Glutton's picture

If you are not Uganda please press 18...


Fed Board Member Conflicts Detailed by GAO: Banks and Businesses Took $4 Trillion in Bailouts

WASHINGTON - June 12 - More than $4 trillion in near zero-interest Federal Reserve loans and other financial assistance went to the banks and businesses of at least 18 current and former Federal Reserve regional bank directors in the aftermath of the 2008 financial collapse, according to Government Accountability Office records made public for the first time today by Sen. Bernie Sanders.

On the eve of Senate testimony by JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon, Sanders (I-Vt.) released the detailed findings on Dimon and other Fed board members whose banks and businesses benefited from Fed actions. 

A Sanders provision in the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform Act required the Government Accountability Office to investigate potential conflicts of interest. The Oct. 19, 2011 report by the non-partisan investigative arm of Congress laid out the findings, but did not name names. Sanders today released the names.

"This report reveals the inherent conflicts of interest that exist at the Federal Reserve.  At a time when small businesses could not get affordable loans to create jobs, the Fed was providing trillions in secret loans to some of the largest banks and corporations in America that were well represented on the boards of the Federal Reserve Banks.  These conflicts must end," Sanders said.

The GAO study found that allowing members of the banking industry to both elect and serve on the Federal Reserve's board of directors creates "an appearance of a conflict of interest" and poses "reputational risks" to the Federal Reserve System.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 12:10 | Link to Comment americanspirit
americanspirit's picture

So $4 trillion went to 18 people. Thank you Senator Sanders for their names. Now could you please provide us with their home addresses? Thank you sir.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:50 | Link to Comment jimijon
jimijon's picture

This is why a concept of Socialocracy can work. Our government has proved in can easily spy on us and monitor all NET transmission. Well, let's open up the Komono baby! Publish it all. Siri enable it. No secrets but instead, with clear consise rules that, we the people, get to monitor and point to those breaking those rules and laws. Enable clawback via "instant replay" to really keep it honest.



Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:51 | Link to Comment Iconomissed
Iconomissed's picture

For all other inquires, please dial 419

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:57 | Link to Comment ghengis86
ghengis86's picture

Aren't you supposed to wait for the tone and then blow a Captain Cruch whistle or something like that?

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:04 | Link to Comment TooBearish
TooBearish's picture

Press 000 to get PM paper raid times..

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:09 | Link to Comment BlueStreet
BlueStreet's picture

Charlie forgot about option '9', the one asking for access to the secret underground bunker when this whole charade comes to an end.



Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:11 | Link to Comment grapeape
grapeape's picture


Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:28 | Link to Comment HoofHearted
HoofHearted's picture

Funny to spell it out, but it actually belongs to some credit card interest-lowering scam company...but when I come to think of the Bernank's role, you may have had the top suggestion today.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:11 | Link to Comment world_debt_slave
world_debt_slave's picture

forgot 666, direct lline to lucifer

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:13 | Link to Comment CURWAR2012
CURWAR2012's picture

If you are calling on behalf of the Rothchilds or Rockefellers, please press 666

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:16 | Link to Comment the not so migh...
the not so mighty maximiza's picture

I sold some stuff to the NY FED just recently.  Its funny with their tax exempt letter.  "Pursuant to section 7 of the Federal Reseve act it is not approrate to bill or collect any federal, state or local taxes"  


You think they might just print some up for taxes hahahahaha



Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:18 | Link to Comment monopoly
monopoly's picture

Great phone number and right on.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:24 | Link to Comment q99x2
q99x2's picture

Must only be one corporation because they all seem to get along so nicely. You would think they would be blowing each other to bits in addition to taking over nations and having an Arab and Greek genocide agenda.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:25 | Link to Comment ZeroPoint
ZeroPoint's picture


Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:30 | Link to Comment tuttisaluti
tuttisaluti's picture

For Benny Hill dial  6969

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:32 | Link to Comment Monedas
Monedas's picture

If you are a North Korean Politburo member and want a carton of Marlboros........1 (800) 1GULAG  !      Monedas     1929       Comedy Jihad Taxing Your Freedom

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:38 | Link to Comment Monedas
Monedas's picture

Taint boils lanced while you wait ! We cauterize your gash with natural ass fire !       Monedas      1929         1 (800)  SURGEON (general)

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:34 | Link to Comment Bazinga
Bazinga's picture

To hear this message in German, Mandarin, or any other language, you are SOL as long as we control the reserve currency.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:41 | Link to Comment tony wilson
tony wilson's picture


is it me your looking for

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:52 | Link to Comment alfred b.
alfred b.'s picture



    for sound money from fed, press Q



Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:52 | Link to Comment Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

One ringy dingy


Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:55 | Link to Comment loveyajimbo
loveyajimbo's picture

Ben is going to look funny hanging from a lampost...

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 12:08 | Link to Comment killallthefiat
killallthefiat's picture

Fed had their land line cut years ago for paying in counterfeit dollars.  They now buy time in increments of 10-50 minutes through their POMO actions.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 12:33 | Link to Comment Element
Element's picture

Election years ... phfft!

Anyway, it's officially on, the US is gearing up to invade Syria.

Plus early rumour/report that Russian troops are steaming toward Syria, as well.

BTW; that rumour from NBC is the schtick needed to Juice the commentariate, just prior to this Pentagon precipitation of a unilateral declaration of WAR  ... just stating the very, very obvious there though.

"I wanna be embedded! .... weeeeeee!!"


Pentagon finishes contingency plans for Syria invasion
Published: 15 June, 2012, 19:44
Officials with the US Department of Defense have confirmed that the Pentagon has finalized procedures that outline how American forces could soon combat the government of war-torn Syria and officially involve itself in that state’s bloody uprising. After months of rumors suggesting that the US has unofficially made efforts to weaponize rebel forces fighting Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, officials with the Defense Department tell CNN that the Pentagon has finished drafting blueprints that lay-out just how the US military could aid in ousting the leader with America’s own troops.
In their report, CNN cites Defense Department officials speaking on condition of anonymity; in a separate sit-down however, Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Gen. Martin Dempsey confirms to the outlet that intensifying violence overseas in recent months has prompted the Pentagon to expedite establishing a role for US forces. The violence "gives us all pause [he actually means *** PRETEXT *** ] that have been in Iraq and seen how these issues become sectarian [yeah, after you FUCKING INVADED THEM AND SHOCK-N-AWED THEM ... yeah, they kinds did then] and then they become civil wars and then they become very difficult to resolve," Dempsey tells CNN this week.  "There is a sense that if the sectarian violence in Syria grows, it could be worse than what we saw in Iraq," he adds. ...


... CNN’s report confirms that the military has indeed drafted instructions that lay-out the implementation of the no-fly zone. Additionally, officials say that a large number of US troops could soon be installed overseas to aid in the war. ...


... (more)


Oh yes, many times worse, and much, much longer too.

Good for business ... just ask Special-K.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 12:15 | Link to Comment Widowmaker
Widowmaker's picture

Nice try Tyler, the Fed has no phones.  Nothing that can interfere with the gifted insiders of racketeering and total bullshit.

That is why "no one ever sees a thing."


Hear no evil.

See no evil.

Print evil.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 12:30 | Link to Comment Atlantis Consigliore
Atlantis Consigliore's picture

Press # 69  for the regulators PORN CHANNEL,   direct line:  1-900-not there,  swallowing.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 12:54 | Link to Comment Joseph Jones
Joseph Jones's picture

Thanks for great LOL before my workout.  Benching 275#, not bad for an almost senior citizen. 

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 13:17 | Link to Comment adeptus
adeptus's picture

Image worth 1000 posts....

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!