Guest Post: The Fed's Secret Phone Menu

Tyler Durden's picture

Submitted by Charles Hugh Smith from Of Two Minds

The Fed's Secret Phone Menu

Very few know about the Federal Reserve's "other" phone number. You know, the one reserved for those in the innermost ring of power. Someone gifted me the number, and I found it offered up the most curious menu of choices:

Greetings. Please select one of the following options.


The Working Group for Global Domination does not exist. Members please press 1.


If you are a European leader seeking a secret bailout, please press 2.


If you are Chinese leader seeking assistance purchasing another Beverly Hills mansion with cash, please press 3.


If you are a domestic banker seeking another tranch of our $29 trillion in backstop funding, please press 4.


If you are an incumbent POTUS seeking re-election in a recessionary year, please press 5.


If you represent one of our proxy trading desks, please press 6 for your S&P 500 futures purchase instructions. As a reminder, please trade your own account via black pools.


If you would like today's target for the S&P 500 and Treasuries to assist in trading your own individual account, please press 7.


For bulk purchases of Hopium and/or Delusionol, please press 8.

Curious, indeed. America's privately owned central bank is an enchanted world, to be sure, where shadow systems do not officially exist, where blatant manipulation of the stock market is denied, and where global bankers get preferential treatment of all their needs.

In this shadow system, democracy, accountability and transparency do not exist. Within the innermost ring of power, democracy is merely the necessary illusion maintained for the psychological benefit of the easily distracted debt-serfs.

As long as they believe in democracy, social mobility and the supremacy of American might, they are happy to while away their time playing or watching mindless games. It's the perfect setup for easy control.

And if they get restive, there's always food stamps and a media-injected "treatment" of Delusionol.

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debtor of last resort's picture

What''s that around Bernankes finger?

tocointhephrase's picture

Its his protector, you know, incase of really really bad outcomes!

WhyDoesItHurtWhen iPee's picture

all your secret phone numbers are belong to us.

fleur de lis's picture

Imagine looking at that horrifying mug first thing every morning.

viahj's picture


One Ring (balance sheet) to rule them all, One Ring (balance sheet) to find them, One Ring (balance sheet) to bring them all and in the darkness bind them In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.

eatthebanksters's picture

risky tail is always more fun!

vast-dom's picture

so there's this big horse race and bernank is in attendance. the frontrunner is not his pick. too bad he can't change the rules in the middle of the race, unless of course someone in the parking lot shoots the horse. but it's all a distraction from the real thievery anyhow....

pods's picture

I gotta get me some delusionol.


slewie the pi-rat's picture

delusionol is produced naturally as a by-product of MSM poison

very much like certain allergic reactions to certain plants which leave one in pre-verbal orbitol


  • decrease MSM input
  • increase vitaminQ by vaporizing the chronic
  • enjoy hopelessness renewed!
El Viejo's picture

Beats Enditol, but Escapitol is nice.


Uptight???  Try Damnitol.

slewie the pi-rat's picture

you are the great fukitolio, va-jay-jay

the centralBanksters are acting togerther this weekend and printing TP for your bunghole

more coffee?

stant's picture

soon to be[ with asian accent] we are under new managment now ,please leave message if you plan to comply

owensdrillin's picture

Hewro. You have leached the fedelall leserve. Fluc u white guys too.

No more fluctuasians with the currency.

HoofHearted's picture

And then to say, "Would you rike eggrow with your birrion dorrar bairout?"

LULZBank's picture

I like Benny Boy's poses though. Makes him look like so wise and thoughtful.

Lucky Guesst's picture

That might not be satisfying enough. I think I prefer something with more string attached... like rope.

CaptainObvious's picture

Yeah, those poses do make him look wise and thoughtful. Until you realize that if you put a chimp in a business suit and trained it to sit in those poses, the chimp would look wiser and more thoughtful.  And it would probably make better decisions, too.

RiverRoad's picture

OMG, I think he's praying! We're really in trouble.....

No Euros please we're British's picture

No extension for the Fort Knox audit department?

Iconomissed's picture

Printer repairman, please press #666

yabyum's picture

Please press 666 for buggery of the taxpayers.

Vincent Vega's picture

1-800-EAT-SHIT #Ben

Benjamin Glutton's picture

If you are not Uganda please press 18...


Fed Board Member Conflicts Detailed by GAO: Banks and Businesses Took $4 Trillion in Bailouts

WASHINGTON - June 12 - More than $4 trillion in near zero-interest Federal Reserve loans and other financial assistance went to the banks and businesses of at least 18 current and former Federal Reserve regional bank directors in the aftermath of the 2008 financial collapse, according to Government Accountability Office records made public for the first time today by Sen. Bernie Sanders.

On the eve of Senate testimony by JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon, Sanders (I-Vt.) released the detailed findings on Dimon and other Fed board members whose banks and businesses benefited from Fed actions. 

A Sanders provision in the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform Act required the Government Accountability Office to investigate potential conflicts of interest. The Oct. 19, 2011 report by the non-partisan investigative arm of Congress laid out the findings, but did not name names. Sanders today released the names.

"This report reveals the inherent conflicts of interest that exist at the Federal Reserve.  At a time when small businesses could not get affordable loans to create jobs, the Fed was providing trillions in secret loans to some of the largest banks and corporations in America that were well represented on the boards of the Federal Reserve Banks.  These conflicts must end," Sanders said.

The GAO study found that allowing members of the banking industry to both elect and serve on the Federal Reserve's board of directors creates "an appearance of a conflict of interest" and poses "reputational risks" to the Federal Reserve System.

americanspirit's picture

So $4 trillion went to 18 people. Thank you Senator Sanders for their names. Now could you please provide us with their home addresses? Thank you sir.

jimijon's picture

This is why a concept of Socialocracy can work. Our government has proved in can easily spy on us and monitor all NET transmission. Well, let's open up the Komono baby! Publish it all. Siri enable it. No secrets but instead, with clear consise rules that, we the people, get to monitor and point to those breaking those rules and laws. Enable clawback via "instant replay" to really keep it honest.



Iconomissed's picture

For all other inquires, please dial 419

ghengis86's picture

Aren't you supposed to wait for the tone and then blow a Captain Cruch whistle or something like that?

TooBearish's picture

Press 000 to get PM paper raid times..

BlueStreet's picture

Charlie forgot about option '9', the one asking for access to the secret underground bunker when this whole charade comes to an end.



HoofHearted's picture

Funny to spell it out, but it actually belongs to some credit card interest-lowering scam company...but when I come to think of the Bernank's role, you may have had the top suggestion today.

world_debt_slave's picture

forgot 666, direct lline to lucifer

CURWAR2012's picture

If you are calling on behalf of the Rothchilds or Rockefellers, please press 666

the not so mighty maximiza's picture

I sold some stuff to the NY FED just recently.  Its funny with their tax exempt letter.  "Pursuant to section 7 of the Federal Reseve act it is not approrate to bill or collect any federal, state or local taxes"  


You think they might just print some up for taxes hahahahaha



monopoly's picture

Great phone number and right on.