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Guest Post: The Fed's Secret Phone Menu

Tyler Durden's picture


Submitted by Charles Hugh Smith from Of Two Minds

The Fed's Secret Phone Menu

Very few know about the Federal Reserve's "other" phone number. You know, the one reserved for those in the innermost ring of power. Someone gifted me the number, and I found it offered up the most curious menu of choices:

Greetings. Please select one of the following options.


The Working Group for Global Domination does not exist. Members please press 1.


If you are a European leader seeking a secret bailout, please press 2.


If you are Chinese leader seeking assistance purchasing another Beverly Hills mansion with cash, please press 3.


If you are a domestic banker seeking another tranch of our $29 trillion in backstop funding, please press 4.


If you are an incumbent POTUS seeking re-election in a recessionary year, please press 5.


If you represent one of our proxy trading desks, please press 6 for your S&P 500 futures purchase instructions. As a reminder, please trade your own account via black pools.


If you would like today's target for the S&P 500 and Treasuries to assist in trading your own individual account, please press 7.


For bulk purchases of Hopium and/or Delusionol, please press 8.

Curious, indeed. America's privately owned central bank is an enchanted world, to be sure, where shadow systems do not officially exist, where blatant manipulation of the stock market is denied, and where global bankers get preferential treatment of all their needs.

In this shadow system, democracy, accountability and transparency do not exist. Within the innermost ring of power, democracy is merely the necessary illusion maintained for the psychological benefit of the easily distracted debt-serfs.

As long as they believe in democracy, social mobility and the supremacy of American might, they are happy to while away their time playing or watching mindless games. It's the perfect setup for easy control.

And if they get restive, there's always food stamps and a media-injected "treatment" of Delusionol.


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Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:22 | 2529204 debtor of last ...
debtor of last resort's picture

What''s that around Bernankes finger?

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:23 | 2529210 Captain Benny
Captain Benny's picture


Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:24 | 2529211 Uchtdorf
Uchtdorf's picture


Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:33 | 2529241 WhyDoesItHurtWh...
WhyDoesItHurtWhen iPee's picture

barbaric relic

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:47 | 2529288 tocointhephrase
tocointhephrase's picture

Its his protector, you know, incase of really really bad outcomes!

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:49 | 2529293 ATM
ATM's picture

He calls it an asset.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:47 | 2529498 WhyDoesItHurtWh...
WhyDoesItHurtWhen iPee's picture

all your secret phone numbers are belong to us.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:29 | 2529226 Seorse Gorog fr...
Seorse Gorog from that Quantum Entanglement Fund. alright_.-'s picture

The world's ring-piece

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:31 | 2529235 fleur de lis
fleur de lis's picture

Imagine looking at that horrifying mug first thing every morning.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:33 | 2529239 spastic_colon
spastic_colon's picture

got it from Frodo.....his precious

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 13:05 | 2529767 viahj
viahj's picture


One Ring (balance sheet) to rule them all, One Ring (balance sheet) to find them, One Ring (balance sheet) to bring them all and in the darkness bind them In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:08 | 2529360 Chaffinch
Chaffinch's picture

Tail risk

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:42 | 2529483 eatthebanksters
eatthebanksters's picture

risky tail is always more fun!

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:22 | 2529206 vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

so there's this big horse race and bernank is in attendance. the frontrunner is not his pick. too bad he can't change the rules in the middle of the race, unless of course someone in the parking lot shoots the horse. but it's all a distraction from the real thievery anyhow....

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:23 | 2529207 pods
pods's picture

I gotta get me some delusionol.


Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:09 | 2529364 slewie the pi-rat
slewie the pi-rat's picture

delusionol is produced naturally as a by-product of MSM poison

very much like certain allergic reactions to certain plants which leave one in pre-verbal orbitol


  • decrease MSM input
  • increase vitaminQ by vaporizing the chronic
  • enjoy hopelessness renewed!
Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:28 | 2529420 El Viejo
El Viejo's picture

Beats Enditol, but Escapitol is nice.


Uptight???  Try Damnitol.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 13:07 | 2529773 viahj
viahj's picture


Fri, 06/15/2012 - 21:29 | 2531164 slewie the pi-rat
slewie the pi-rat's picture

you are the great fukitolio, va-jay-jay

the centralBanksters are acting togerther this weekend and printing TP for your bunghole

more coffee?

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:25 | 2529212 stant
stant's picture

soon to be[ with asian accent] we are under new managment now ,please leave message if you plan to comply

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:01 | 2529338 owensdrillin
owensdrillin's picture

Hewro. You have leached the fedelall leserve. Fluc u white guys too.

No more fluctuasians with the currency.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:24 | 2529419 HoofHearted
HoofHearted's picture

And then to say, "Would you rike eggrow with your birrion dorrar bairout?"

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 13:57 | 2529991 3FrenchHens
3FrenchHens's picture

+ 10 minute

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:28 | 2529225 LULZBank
LULZBank's picture

I like Benny Boy's poses though. Makes him look like so wise and thoughtful.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:30 | 2529228 Seorse Gorog fr...
Seorse Gorog from that Quantum Entanglement Fund. alright_.-'s picture

All he needs is the halo

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:33 | 2529245 Paul Atreides
Paul Atreides's picture

Would prefer a red dot...

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:49 | 2529295 ATM
ATM's picture

Laser generated?

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:03 | 2529344 Paul Atreides
Paul Atreides's picture

I plead the 5th

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 12:21 | 2529629 eatthebanksters
eatthebanksters's picture close range...

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 13:18 | 2529827 Lucky Guesst
Lucky Guesst's picture

That might not be satisfying enough. I think I prefer something with more string attached... like rope.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:27 | 2529433 CaptainObvious
CaptainObvious's picture

Yeah, those poses do make him look wise and thoughtful. Until you realize that if you put a chimp in a business suit and trained it to sit in those poses, the chimp would look wiser and more thoughtful.  And it would probably make better decisions, too.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:59 | 2529553 RiverRoad
RiverRoad's picture

OMG, I think he's praying! We're really in trouble.....

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:32 | 2529238 No Euros please...
No Euros please we're British's picture

No extension for the Fort Knox audit department?

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:35 | 2529250 CommunityStandard
CommunityStandard's picture

That would imply they exist.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:38 | 2529261 Iconomissed
Iconomissed's picture

Printer repairman, please press #666

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:40 | 2529267 yabyum
yabyum's picture

Please press 666 for buggery of the taxpayers.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:45 | 2529279 Vincent Vega
Vincent Vega's picture

1-800-EAT-SHIT #Ben

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:46 | 2529283 Benjamin Glutton
Benjamin Glutton's picture

If you are not Uganda please press 18...


Fed Board Member Conflicts Detailed by GAO: Banks and Businesses Took $4 Trillion in Bailouts

WASHINGTON - June 12 - More than $4 trillion in near zero-interest Federal Reserve loans and other financial assistance went to the banks and businesses of at least 18 current and former Federal Reserve regional bank directors in the aftermath of the 2008 financial collapse, according to Government Accountability Office records made public for the first time today by Sen. Bernie Sanders.

On the eve of Senate testimony by JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon, Sanders (I-Vt.) released the detailed findings on Dimon and other Fed board members whose banks and businesses benefited from Fed actions. 

A Sanders provision in the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform Act required the Government Accountability Office to investigate potential conflicts of interest. The Oct. 19, 2011 report by the non-partisan investigative arm of Congress laid out the findings, but did not name names. Sanders today released the names.

"This report reveals the inherent conflicts of interest that exist at the Federal Reserve.  At a time when small businesses could not get affordable loans to create jobs, the Fed was providing trillions in secret loans to some of the largest banks and corporations in America that were well represented on the boards of the Federal Reserve Banks.  These conflicts must end," Sanders said.

The GAO study found that allowing members of the banking industry to both elect and serve on the Federal Reserve's board of directors creates "an appearance of a conflict of interest" and poses "reputational risks" to the Federal Reserve System.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 12:10 | 2529602 americanspirit
americanspirit's picture

So $4 trillion went to 18 people. Thank you Senator Sanders for their names. Now could you please provide us with their home addresses? Thank you sir.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:50 | 2529297 jimijon
jimijon's picture

This is why a concept of Socialocracy can work. Our government has proved in can easily spy on us and monitor all NET transmission. Well, let's open up the Komono baby! Publish it all. Siri enable it. No secrets but instead, with clear consise rules that, we the people, get to monitor and point to those breaking those rules and laws. Enable clawback via "instant replay" to really keep it honest.



Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:51 | 2529301 Iconomissed
Iconomissed's picture

For all other inquires, please dial 419

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:57 | 2529322 ghengis86
ghengis86's picture

Aren't you supposed to wait for the tone and then blow a Captain Cruch whistle or something like that?

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:04 | 2529350 TooBearish
TooBearish's picture

Press 000 to get PM paper raid times..

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:09 | 2529357 BlueStreet
BlueStreet's picture

Charlie forgot about option '9', the one asking for access to the secret underground bunker when this whole charade comes to an end.



Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:11 | 2529370 grapeape
grapeape's picture


Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:28 | 2529436 HoofHearted
HoofHearted's picture

Funny to spell it out, but it actually belongs to some credit card interest-lowering scam company...but when I come to think of the Bernank's role, you may have had the top suggestion today.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:11 | 2529371 world_debt_slave
world_debt_slave's picture

forgot 666, direct lline to lucifer

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:13 | 2529378 CURWAR2012
CURWAR2012's picture

If you are calling on behalf of the Rothchilds or Rockefellers, please press 666

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:16 | 2529382 the not so migh...
the not so mighty maximiza's picture

I sold some stuff to the NY FED just recently.  Its funny with their tax exempt letter.  "Pursuant to section 7 of the Federal Reseve act it is not approrate to bill or collect any federal, state or local taxes"  


You think they might just print some up for taxes hahahahaha



Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:18 | 2529398 monopoly
monopoly's picture

Great phone number and right on.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:24 | 2529422 q99x2
q99x2's picture

Must only be one corporation because they all seem to get along so nicely. You would think they would be blowing each other to bits in addition to taking over nations and having an Arab and Greek genocide agenda.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:25 | 2529425 ZeroPoint
ZeroPoint's picture


Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:30 | 2529438 tuttisaluti
tuttisaluti's picture

For Benny Hill dial  6969

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:32 | 2529448 Monedas
Monedas's picture

If you are a North Korean Politburo member and want a carton of Marlboros........1 (800) 1GULAG  !      Monedas     1929       Comedy Jihad Taxing Your Freedom

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:38 | 2529456 Monedas
Monedas's picture

Taint boils lanced while you wait ! We cauterize your gash with natural ass fire !       Monedas      1929         1 (800)  SURGEON (general)

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:34 | 2529458 Bazinga
Bazinga's picture

To hear this message in German, Mandarin, or any other language, you are SOL as long as we control the reserve currency.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:41 | 2529476 tony wilson
tony wilson's picture


is it me your looking for

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:52 | 2529526 alfred b.
alfred b.'s picture



    for sound money from fed, press Q



Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:52 | 2529528 Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

One ringy dingy


Fri, 06/15/2012 - 11:55 | 2529538 loveyajimbo
loveyajimbo's picture

Ben is going to look funny hanging from a lampost...

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 12:08 | 2529586 killallthefiat
killallthefiat's picture

Fed had their land line cut years ago for paying in counterfeit dollars.  They now buy time in increments of 10-50 minutes through their POMO actions.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 12:33 | 2529592 Element
Element's picture

Election years ... phfft!

Anyway, it's officially on, the US is gearing up to invade Syria.

Plus early rumour/report that Russian troops are steaming toward Syria, as well.

BTW; that rumour from NBC is the schtick needed to Juice the commentariate, just prior to this Pentagon precipitation of a unilateral declaration of WAR  ... just stating the very, very obvious there though.

"I wanna be embedded! .... weeeeeee!!"


Pentagon finishes contingency plans for Syria invasion
Published: 15 June, 2012, 19:44
Officials with the US Department of Defense have confirmed that the Pentagon has finalized procedures that outline how American forces could soon combat the government of war-torn Syria and officially involve itself in that state’s bloody uprising. After months of rumors suggesting that the US has unofficially made efforts to weaponize rebel forces fighting Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, officials with the Defense Department tell CNN that the Pentagon has finished drafting blueprints that lay-out just how the US military could aid in ousting the leader with America’s own troops.
In their report, CNN cites Defense Department officials speaking on condition of anonymity; in a separate sit-down however, Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Gen. Martin Dempsey confirms to the outlet that intensifying violence overseas in recent months has prompted the Pentagon to expedite establishing a role for US forces. The violence "gives us all pause [he actually means *** PRETEXT *** ] that have been in Iraq and seen how these issues become sectarian [yeah, after you FUCKING INVADED THEM AND SHOCK-N-AWED THEM ... yeah, they kinds did then] and then they become civil wars and then they become very difficult to resolve," Dempsey tells CNN this week.  "There is a sense that if the sectarian violence in Syria grows, it could be worse than what we saw in Iraq," he adds. ...


... CNN’s report confirms that the military has indeed drafted instructions that lay-out the implementation of the no-fly zone. Additionally, officials say that a large number of US troops could soon be installed overseas to aid in the war. ...


... (more)


Oh yes, many times worse, and much, much longer too.

Good for business ... just ask Special-K.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 12:15 | 2529610 Widowmaker
Widowmaker's picture

Nice try Tyler, the Fed has no phones.  Nothing that can interfere with the gifted insiders of racketeering and total bullshit.

That is why "no one ever sees a thing."


Hear no evil.

See no evil.

Print evil.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 12:30 | 2529654 Atlantis Consigliore
Atlantis Consigliore's picture

Press # 69  for the regulators PORN CHANNEL,   direct line:  1-900-not there,  swallowing.

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 12:54 | 2529720 Joseph Jones
Joseph Jones's picture

Thanks for great LOL before my workout.  Benching 275#, not bad for an almost senior citizen. 

Fri, 06/15/2012 - 13:17 | 2529816 adeptus
adeptus's picture

Image worth 1000 posts....

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