Guest Post: Next In Line For Implosion: Pension Plans

Tyler Durden's picture

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RaymondKHessel's picture

Shocking! Just shocking!

CPL's picture

Are you agawk with shock?

Ahmeexnal's picture

time to increase the SOMA dose to the plebes

akak's picture

"Chinese solar stocks, bitchez!"


I wonder if little leo is still going out to lunch with various pension managers, who are increasingly sweating as they try to convince him that "all is well, nothing to see here. this isn't the pending financial implosion you're looking for".  (Although personally, I think leo was and is always out to lunch.)

pelican's picture

You would think they would legalize already so the masses can forget about this shit salad.

s2man's picture

Give wine to the poor, strong drink to the dying.

SheepHerder's picture

"Like a full-blown alcoholic, the people and governments of the U.S. and Europe stagger..."

For anyone familiar with Bill Wilson's work, the parallels between an alcoholic and American society are numerous.  The solution is also the same.

Ruffcut's picture

If I had a pension plan, I'd of had it with lehman buttbros or bernie madoff.  Fuck having th returns on investment, but the return of anything.

CPL's picture

The largest pile of derivatives on the planet ladies and gentlemen that "might" provide 30% of what was promised.


Soda Popinski's picture

At this point, I think I'd trust Homer Simpson over CNBC for investment advice.

Lenny: Hey, Homer! How come you've got money to burn? Or singe, anyway?

Carl: Yeah, Homer, what's your secret investment?

Homer: Take a guess.

Barney: Uh, pumpkins?

Homer: [pause] Yeah, that's right, Barney. This year, I invested in pumpkins. They've been going up the whole month of October and I got a feeling they're going to peak right around January. Then, bang! That's when I'll cash in.

AngryGerman's picture

"Aaaaaaaaaaand it's gone!"


"It's gone, it's all gone!!"

TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

That bit never gets old. It's so funny because it's so true.


AngryGerman's picture

All pensions are fucked, that's nothing new. defined contriubution, you don't get anything out anymore. defined benefits, they'll increase further and further.

if you don't take care of yourself, you're fucked.

state pensions will be down to social security by 2025 to 2050.

and you think you have a problem? look at fucking china. yellow rise eaters don't even have something remotely like a pension system. they'll just send all there old into the countryside to starve to death. well, that's also a solution.

The Big Ching-aso's picture 2025 to 2050?

Truly you jest.


TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

He's being a bit of an optimist.


RaymondKHessel's picture

My pension plan

45 acp model 21
243 w scope 3x9 for long range peck off......rugar

Bastiat's picture

So you plan to shot people at long range then pick their pockets and take their gold teeth?

DollarMenu's picture

Nah, he will sneak up on his Rascal and wave the thing around.

His arthritic hands won't let him squeeze the trigger.

LFMayor's picture

if you think a .243 is for "long range" then you're in for a bfs.

fuu's picture

We would be grateful if they were dead, instead they just keep on truckin.

"The equity markets are in effect living on vitamin C and cocaine"

Steaming_Wookie_Doo's picture

Dead indeed. I think that is the unspoken plan-- to have at least 1-2 million Boomers die of austerity over the next decade or so, generally quietly at home or in a hospital where proper care is rationed out in NHS style small amounts. Well, maybe it's 10-20 million, who knows. But the results will be undeniable. I reckon the Feds and States have bean counters who figure out if you kill X amount of folks then the pension funds will go back into balance (and without having to stop skimming for their little vig).

Manthong's picture

 “Pension plans are based on 8% annual growth forever.”


“Your typical city involved in a typical daydream
Hang it up and see what tomorrow brings”

Diogenes's picture

Living on Reds, Vitamin C and Cocaine.

All her friends can say is Ain't it a shame.

Diogenes's picture

Living on Reds, Vitamin C and Cocaine.

All her friends can say is Ain't it a shame.

pelican's picture

What are you truckin like the du dah man?

hannah's picture

ALL THE USA NEEDS TO DO IS START TAXING FICA FROM CHINA...! i should get paid for all these genius ideas.

RobotTrader's picture

Meanwhile, PCLN is up 6%

Shatner is knee deep in booze and hookers again

Stock has gone from $30 to $530 since he's been pitching it.

Hands down the most astounding 10-year chart in history.

Astute Investor's picture

Too bad your chart doesn't go back farther.  PCLN back to March 2000 levels after only 11 years.

somethingisrotten's picture

How's that NFLX and FSLR ski slope doing for ya, MoMo ??????????

LouisDega's picture

That and The Duggars are having their 20th child. Its all good i tell ya

ThirdCoastSurfer's picture

How is it that airlines and trains can't tun a profit but Priceline and the like are swimming in cash? 

ThirdCoastSurfer's picture

How is it that airlines and trains can't tun a profit but Priceline and the like are swimming in cash? 

Divided States of America's picture

Yeah thats the definition of a ponzi. Guess they should just rename it to PONZION Plans.

Hard1's picture

The only people who have their retirement number right are non-financial guys like lawyers and destists who said...OK I need 100k a year for 30-35/yrs, that's 3.5 MM, no problem. I'll generate that in the next 5 years.  The pension industry is screwed.  

Go on Bernank, lower rates 4eva.  I wonder if the marginal dollar spent on consuming useless chinese $1 dollar stuff will make up for the extra 10 years that baby boomers need to work and save.

AngryGerman's picture

but all these lawyers and dentists listened to their friendly neighborhood financial advisor and invested substantial amounts in equities in 1999 and 2007.

and now they are fucked like anyone else.

Hansel's picture

And all the new lawyers and doctors are in debt up to their eyeballs.  They're broke like everyone else.

Temporalist's picture

I know a dentist that I told to keep all of the gold fillings he removed if the patients didn't want it.  He didn't listen and now they all want to keep them.

I know a lawyer that I told to buy PMs for his newborn years ago and I think instead it was invested in a couple TBTF banks.


Dentists and lawyers are no investing geniuses...

Bastiat's picture

How about creating a conduit vehicle for investing in pooled crematorium smelter royalties?

NotApplicable's picture

My dentist owns several buildings in his office park, which hasn't worked out quite like he planned. "I wish I had bought some gold," he tells me.

Jena's picture

It's not just the new doctors going broke:

Doctors who operate established independant practices are running into cash crunches all over the nation.  We may see the end of such these small business models within the next couple of years, thanks to shrinking Medicare and insurance reimbursement, increased regulations and other costs.

And if any doctors who now accept Medicare patients decided to stop accepting new patients, or to stop practicing altogether and say, get into teaching who could blame them? 

People who believe that healthcare is a right need to consider who will supply that care and at what cost.

spinone's picture

There is always magic left to juice the equity markets, until there isn't.