Guest Post: Secretly Serviced

Tyler Durden's picture


Submitted by Azizonomics

Secretly Serviced

I don’t understand the furore around Obama’s secret service handlers being (ahem) secretly serviced by Colombian hookers.

To writers like myself who specialise in salacious analogies, the incident was a gift. To the rest of the press, who don’t normally get to write about such matters, it was an excuse to shoot off pent-up sexual frustration. So I can understand the press pushing the story just the way Bill Clinton pushes expensive cigar cases (enthusiastically, by all accounts).

The worry, apparently, is the potential to compromise the President’s security. Rep. Peter King, chairman of the House committee that oversees the Secret Service, says the key question is whether the prostitutes could have accessed “any data or information that could have compromised the president of the United States or made an enemy force aware of the practices and procedures of the Secret Service.”

But surely this applies to all sexual relationships, not strictly ones for money? Surely prostitutes are absolutely the safest kind of liaisons? After all, why would a foreign agent trying to sequester intelligence information try and charge the American agent for sex? If you were setting a honey trap, why would you create some barrier to entry, such as a fee? There’s playing hard to get, and then there’s playing easy to brush off, and that would be the latter.

And certainly there does not appear to have been any breach of security, or danger to the President’s life. The agents were on their downtime, spending their own money. So isn’t this really a personal matter for betrayed spouses?

Doesn’t the government have better things to worry about than the sexual conduct of their employees? Like — oh I don’t know — the $15 trillion national debt? Or spiralling long term unemployment? Certainly there is no suggestion that any of the women involved were forced, or were trafficked.

The outburst that comes to mind comes from Janet “Big Sis” Napolitano who claimed their actions were “inexcusable”. Really? Engaging in consensual sexual acts for money is inexcusable, but blowing up innocent women and children in drone strikes in Pakistan is just fine?

This just seems like more encroachment by big government into the sex lives of individuals. Here’s some news for you Sec. Napolitano: men sometimes like having sex with hookers. Hookers like the money. Voluntary transactions between consenting adults make the world go round.

Deal with it.

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Thu, 04/26/2012 - 07:51 | 2376018 Change-In-Trend
Change-In-Trend's picture

GLD Update

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    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:15 | 2376077 LongSoupLine
    LongSoupLine's picture

    Irony defined:


    The worlds old profession (job) being supported by men whos job is to protect the worlds best profession (job) destroyer.


    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:34 | 2376126 Gully Foyle
    Gully Foyle's picture


    One would think Pimp is the worldest oldest profession.

    Women trading sex for favors just makes them housewives.

    Pimpin be hard, and them bitches sometimes don't want to earn. Or they want to keep the benjamins.


    A Pimp Named Slickback: Did you know that at least 75% of bitches suffer from some kind of hearing loss? This alarming statistic means that, more likely than not, talking is not the most effective way to communicate with a bitch. That's when you have to hit her.
    Tom Dubois: Whoa, what?
    A Pimp Named Slickback: You tell her what you want her to do. If she say no, hit the bitch! Simple.
    Tom Dubois: But I couldn't hit Sarah. I couldn't hit *any* woman.
    A Pimp Named Slickback: Has *not* hitting the bitch been working? I mean, scientifically speaking, has not hitting the bitch achieved the desired result?
    Tom Dubois: No way! I just, I can't, I couldn't, I won't!
    A Pimp Named Slickback: Tom, take a deep breath. It's okay, people have phobias. Some niggas can't cross bridges, you can't go upside a bitch's head. Okay, we can beat this.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 09:30 | 2376318 Badabing
    Badabing's picture

    Truth of the matter is the SS has been stiffing (pun intended) the escorts and there Johns for a hole (PI) night of escort service for years. The SS felt they where above the law and didn’t have to pay. Now the payment is for an escort only no sexual contact but if the lady likes the client on her own time they can engage as consenting adults. The Pimps didn’t want to fight the American SS for an on going ripoff and made the girls responsible for the money and to ask if the client was SS but the badges didn’t come out until the deed was done. The girls decided to go public the next time a big official would visit Colombia. And so you have it from Carlos Rivera Ernesto Gonzales (EL Pero)   

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 09:32 | 2376324 AnAnonymouses
    AnAnonymouses's picture

    US citizenisms doing what they do best; screwing world citizenisms.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 10:07 | 2376425 Hard1
    Hard1's picture

    You just sumarized American government ethics perfectly Tyler "Engaging in consensual sexual acts for money is inexcusable, but blowing up innocent women and children in drone strikes in Pakistan is just fine?"  Quote of the year!

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 10:23 | 2376474 bankonzhongguo
    bankonzhongguo's picture

    There is something bigger going on here however.

    As one "agent" has said, 'this happens all the time.'

    Anytime you have an issue like this reach this kind of public circus - changes come - for right or wrong.

    The result of all of this secret service hi-jinx is the President's security will be altered.

    Anytime you change up VIP security you add a risk of inserting new people closer to your asset.

    Arafat was a good example.  After the bodyguards changed, it was all downhill.

    For the people on the presidential detail, watch for any strange personnel changes, reassignments or the introduction of new procedures.

    This has all the hallmarks of pre-decapitation.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 11:19 | 2376719 Buckaroo Banzai
    Buckaroo Banzai's picture

    Or, it could be going the exact opposite way. Some members of the detail may have been identified as disloyal or "not playing ball" in some way.

    Presto, involve a prostitute who claims she didn't get paid, and dispose of the agents--they lose their jobs. Publicize the event to the media, which ensures that you've made their home lives miserable as well, in order to send a message to the rest of the agents that this is what happens.

    It all comes down to who you think controls the Columbian media-- the President's men, or people who may oppose the President.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:29 | 2376115 CPL
    CPL's picture


    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 11:31 | 2376790 DosZap
    DosZap's picture


    Then EXPLAIN this bro...............................

    Gold ETFs offer shares that represent gold bullion; but, as any investor knows, these shares do not deliver the physical gold bullion to your door.

    Here is the annual amount of money that has poured into these ETF gold bullion contracts (source: World Gold Council):

    2008 – $9.0 billion

    2009 – $19.3 billion

    2010 – $14.5 billion

    2011 – $7.8 billion


    Demand for gold ETFs is clearly falling. Now let’s look at the demand for actual physical gold coins and gold bullion (source: World Gold Council):

    2008 – $24.3 billion

    2009 – $24.3 billion

    2010 – $47.2 billion

    2011 – $75.1 billion


    Looks like serious gold bullion investors may have been selling their ETFs to purchase physical gold coins and gold bullion. If China is to back its yuan, it certainly wouldn’t use ETFs to do it.


    As the numbers show, the demise of the gold bullion market is greatly exaggerated. China will continue to purchase gold bullion to back its yuan. Is the bull market in gold over? Not a chance.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 17:49 | 2378248 CPL
    CPL's picture

    You would be hard pressed to find anyone that disagrees that the herd is storming for the physical type of bullion.


    But we were busy talking about the use of Whores as political chess pieces in American politics and interdepartmental budget warfare.  The fact anyone cares is beyond anyone's reasoning.  It would be the same as me being concerned that the night shift manager at the local McDonalds was getting a handy in the parking lot for a cheese burger.  It won't happen.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 07:52 | 2376021 kralizec
    kralizec's picture

    OK, Tyler's all for hookers on the taxpayer dime.  You heard it here first folks!

    PS-Where's my free ride?

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:00 | 2376039 Quinvarius
    Quinvarius's picture

    The wives of American government employees get healthcare paid for.  I agree these live in prostitutes should get nothing.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:03 | 2376049 ihedgemyhedges
    ihedgemyhedges's picture

    Looks like one of the Kardashians in the back middle.....................

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:39 | 2376145 bigdumbnugly
    bigdumbnugly's picture

    i'm in

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 09:47 | 2376361 Rasna
    Rasna's picture

    Too much Kardashian knowledge is not a good thing.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 10:40 | 2376570 NidStyles
    NidStyles's picture

    You mean they look like Tranny's?

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 17:21 | 2378150 sgt_doom
    sgt_doom's picture

    Old American Express commercial:

    When you go to the Puget Sound region and order a Kardashian, they know exactly what you want. . . . a big-assed sandwich ! !

    And that's what you'll get, if you've got an American Express Card and you'll also get big-assed usurious charges.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:14 | 2376067 BorisTheBlade
    BorisTheBlade's picture

    Puny 750 bucks. I for one disappointed in secret service qualification. One would think they could keep things covered up a bit better.

    Also, why heterosexual relationship is always something politicians are getting caught on: Spitzer, Clinton, DSK. They normally screw up on a much bigger scale but somehow only go down because of a blowjob.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:39 | 2376146 SWRichmond
    SWRichmond's picture

    If you were setting a honey trap, why would you create some barrier to entry, such as a fee?


    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 11:21 | 2376747 Buckaroo Banzai
    Buckaroo Banzai's picture

    ...because there's nothing more credible than a prostitute?

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 07:52 | 2376023 Azannoth
    Azannoth's picture

    Hookers are what prevents a big portion of the male population from becoming 40year old virgins :) Rock On!

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 07:55 | 2376028 gamera9
    gamera9's picture

    And STD's keep the big Pharms a contributor to political parties, Win Win

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:07 | 2376056 brewing
    brewing's picture

    they are american males.  going out, getting drunk and dragging home a woman from the bar is a badge of honor.  throw this story in the heap of all the other claptrap out there...

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:33 | 2376119 CPL
    CPL's picture

    >they are males.Going out and picking up a woman and bringing her home. badge of honour..etc..etc..etc..


    Fixed that for you.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:42 | 2376154 Gully Foyle
    Gully Foyle's picture


    No, it was correct the first time.

    "going out, getting drunk and dragging home a woman from the bar is a badge of honor."

    Clearly you never experienced a drunken woman.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:48 | 2376186 CPL
    CPL's picture

    Is there any other kind at a bar?

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:55 | 2376212 Gully Foyle
    Gully Foyle's picture


    There are levels.

    Every man understands that.

    Thus the rise of the question " Would you like another?" and " Maybe something a little stronger?".

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 09:36 | 2376332 CPL
    CPL's picture

    ...and the unavoidable decision to stay for a coffee or gnaw one's own arm off.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 11:09 | 2376697 DosZap
    DosZap's picture

     After all, why would a foreign agent trying to sequester intelligence information try and charge the American agent for sex? If you were setting a honey trap, why would you create some barrier to entry, such as a fee? There’s playing hard to get, and then there’s playing easy to brush off, and that would be the latter.

    Easy answer,to make it believable.

    Sex for free,from a hottie??................If I were SS I would have ALL Antenna's UP^

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 11:24 | 2376754 Buckaroo Banzai
    Buckaroo Banzai's picture

    Again, how does being a prostitute make the story more credible? It's a lot harder to believe someone who will take money to do anything.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 12:48 | 2377073 Umh
    Umh's picture

    People with little to no ethics have a hard time digesting the fact that some people don't think like they do. So the hooker angle is probably more credible than a cute hot girl that wants their body.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 07:57 | 2376031 HardwoodAg
    HardwoodAg's picture

    They were only doin some vids to keep the SEC entertained.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:32 | 2376120 knukles
    knukles's picture

    There were trannies and donkeys there, too?

    How come I'm always the last to hear about this stuff?

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 10:00 | 2376399 Uncle Remus
    Uncle Remus's picture

    Enchiladas with green sauce is how I heard it.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 10:21 | 2376465 icanhasbailout
    icanhasbailout's picture

    Do you know how to get to the Holiday Inn from here?


    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 10:43 | 2376536 Raynja
    Raynja's picture

    If I'd known you'd work a cat from the back like that I would have brought my friends

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 07:57 | 2376034 Umh
    Umh's picture

    People who cheat rarely confine their dishonesty to just one thing. They tend to be ethically challenged in their other endeavors.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:03 | 2376046 ndotken
    ndotken's picture

    thanks for the wisdom Mr. Perfect ... here's some news for ya ... we're all human ... even you

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:33 | 2376124 knukles
    knukles's picture

    Umh... lemme think about that.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 09:13 | 2376265 falak pema
    falak pema's picture

    to doubt is human to commit is divine; that's why a politician never commits : he is looking for human votes, and a religious man always does : he is looking for pearly gates.

    For those who believe pearly gates are here and now, you take your doubts to those gates when they open so enticingly with uncrossing of leeeeeegs, and damn the Boss man's schedule as you're commited;  hooked, lined and sinkered. 

    Boss man then pays the bill. Ha, ha ha, tuff job getting elected when your mignons pump flesh in Bogota instead of pumping iron in DC.

    They'll be pumping shit from now on for bucking the boss!  

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 10:35 | 2376546 Umh
    Umh's picture

    Would you hire an embezzeler as a body guard? I wouldn't come close to saying I'm perfect. Am I more honest than most; yes I am.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 12:07 | 2376906 Deo vindice
    Deo vindice's picture

    @Umh Would you hire an embezzeler as a body guard? I wouldn't come close to saying I'm perfect. Am I more honest than most; yes I am.

    You are getting down arrowed by folks who don' t understand the difference between being honest and being perfect.

    None of us are perfect. But dishonesty is rarely compartmentalized in human nature.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:44 | 2376161 Gully Foyle
    Gully Foyle's picture


    Dude, If someones world view is skewed in one area it is skewed across the entire worldview itself.

    People don't get that.

    I'm glad you recognized that.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:56 | 2376217 Oh regional Indian
    Oh regional Indian's picture

    Precisely. Who would down arrow common sense?

    ZH readership is getting very thin skinned, touchy and rather dumb it looks like. 


    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 11:30 | 2376785 Buckaroo Banzai
    Buckaroo Banzai's picture

    There was a great article in Sports Illustrated about 10 years ago. The author played golf with Clinton after he had left office, and talked to people who had played golf with him. Turns out the guy is utterly incapable of playing even a single round of honest golf. Of course the word "cheating" wasn't used, but words like mulligans, do-overs, drops, improved lies, etc etc etc... were. A pattern of behavior that revealed that Clinton truly believed that the rules of golf didn't apply to him.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 11:45 | 2376827 DosZap
    DosZap's picture

    Buckaroo Banzai

    Clinton IS a pathalogical liar......................FACT.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 07:59 | 2376038 Big Corked Boots
    Big Corked Boots's picture

    Peter King is an ass, which makes him perfectly qualified to be in Congress. The whole affair is a convenient distraction, puffed up by the press to make it seem like they are willing to print something anti-Obama and to distract the general population from the inevitable end of the dollar and America. They desperately need something salacious to print because they dare not print the real news.

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:11 | 2376070 Quinvarius
    Quinvarius's picture

    To your point on the USD, it has been struggling at 80 for 7 months.  If I thought the currency markets were not rigged, I'd say what does not go up, must go down.  But I think the Fed/Treasury is doing all the rigging it can to stave off a USD dump. 

    Thu, 04/26/2012 - 09:42 | 2376355 eddiebe
    eddiebe's picture

    That's what she said.

    Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!