Guest Post: Secretly Serviced

Tyler Durden's picture

Submitted by Azizonomics

Secretly Serviced

I don’t understand the furore around Obama’s secret service handlers being (ahem) secretly serviced by Colombian hookers.

To writers like myself who specialise in salacious analogies, the incident was a gift. To the rest of the press, who don’t normally get to write about such matters, it was an excuse to shoot off pent-up sexual frustration. So I can understand the press pushing the story just the way Bill Clinton pushes expensive cigar cases (enthusiastically, by all accounts).

The worry, apparently, is the potential to compromise the President’s security. Rep. Peter King, chairman of the House committee that oversees the Secret Service, says the key question is whether the prostitutes could have accessed “any data or information that could have compromised the president of the United States or made an enemy force aware of the practices and procedures of the Secret Service.”

But surely this applies to all sexual relationships, not strictly ones for money? Surely prostitutes are absolutely the safest kind of liaisons? After all, why would a foreign agent trying to sequester intelligence information try and charge the American agent for sex? If you were setting a honey trap, why would you create some barrier to entry, such as a fee? There’s playing hard to get, and then there’s playing easy to brush off, and that would be the latter.

And certainly there does not appear to have been any breach of security, or danger to the President’s life. The agents were on their downtime, spending their own money. So isn’t this really a personal matter for betrayed spouses?

Doesn’t the government have better things to worry about than the sexual conduct of their employees? Like — oh I don’t know — the $15 trillion national debt? Or spiralling long term unemployment? Certainly there is no suggestion that any of the women involved were forced, or were trafficked.

The outburst that comes to mind comes from Janet “Big Sis” Napolitano who claimed their actions were “inexcusable”. Really? Engaging in consensual sexual acts for money is inexcusable, but blowing up innocent women and children in drone strikes in Pakistan is just fine?

This just seems like more encroachment by big government into the sex lives of individuals. Here’s some news for you Sec. Napolitano: men sometimes like having sex with hookers. Hookers like the money. Voluntary transactions between consenting adults make the world go round.

Deal with it.

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ndotken's picture

.... but apparently it's okay for the US government to screw its citizens without paying them for it

ihedgemyhedges's picture

Just consider yourself the "john".  You're getting screwed and paying for it.....

Fixed it for ya..........

WonderDawg's picture

Jeebus, what's with all the "fixed it for ya" bullshit. State an original thought one time. That whole FIFY device as a means to disagree is so fucking tired.


williambanzai7's picture

You go on an important overseas business trip for important high level meetings. The night before you find out your team engaged in drunken debauchery. Does that work for you?

Obviously it does because you have obviously never lead a team on overseas business.

As for the agents involved, they are foolish adolescents who make statements like: I didn't know she was a hooker.

What we have is incredibly bad judgement by people who are supposed to be trained to know better. People who are supposed to be disciplined professionals. People who discredit their colleagues who deserve better.

Quinvarius's picture

I agree.  They should have just whacked it like a Jesuit.

williambanzai7's picture

They couldn't wait 48 hours? Everyone should know when the boss is paying, fun time starts when business is finished. In the secret service, that means wheels up on AF1.

I'm sure they know this and shirked it for whatever reason.

Gully Foyle's picture


Dude, chill.

We are Americans. We fuck off and fuck up  all the time.

And when we can do it on the bosses dime, all the sweeter.

I'm waiting for the movie version to come out, get it COME OUT!

Village Smithy's picture

I'm with Mr. Banzai on this one. The important part of this story to me is the complete lack of loyalty these agents showed towards POTUS. That is a problem however it has come to be. Certainly they all knew that if their frolics were leaked there would be big trouble. They chose to ignore that fact and potentially, or as it turned out actually, expose the President and the nation to ridicule. Extremely dishonourable conduct.

wisefool's picture
  • The clearance granted to secret service agents is called "Yankee white"
  • The clearance granted to IRS agents is LLM and/or Econ PhD with nobel prize.
  • These, are Ironically, mutally exclusive in every permutation.
prole's picture

This is all pretty rich for someone whose job is "Jump the Hell off Kennedy's bumper when you get the signal."

wisefool's picture

The US-SS has a rich tradition that goes back further than when they worked for Timmah (they currently work for napalitano). Back in the old days they were called the praetarian gaurd, and as intimated, their loyalty was never to the telepromter, but to the tax code/pension fund.

for humor, there was some pretty good stuff on CBS this morning between charlie rose and bill oreilly, re: politics, Kennedy and Linclon. Those two would probably need to share considering their impotence, and fundemental ignorance of history.

Antifaschistische's picture

Village S...the SS is always loyal.  always!  That's why the real story will never be told.  They're taking the knife in the back FOR POTUS on this one like they are trained to do.  The SS was frontrunning the hookers for the White House VIPs!!  That's what they do.

Badabing's picture

"The SS was frontrunning the hookers for the White House VIPs!!"

They didn't need to frontrun only pay. and whitehouse VIPs have fiat droping out of they're ass!

Are you kidding's picture

You don't get it...this is what men do when they travel. You could theoretically take down 90% of ALL men if you could prove they fucked around on someone at some time in their life. Men fuck someone other than whomever they're fucking at home when they's their escape! Women hold and cuddle all works out in the end if you let it. It's funny how what we like to do is considered..."wrong". It all comes down to male=bad female=good. Where's that pendulum...we need to move it over to the other side.

XitSam's picture

We aren't talking about the average businessman. We are talking about the people that protect the president. 

NidStyles's picture

They are still normal humans. Quit putting people on pedalstals over a stupid title.

nonclaim's picture

Had you hired this team for your own security would you still be happy-happy?

Village Smithy's picture

Oh I get it. But we are not talking about the Mid-west territory managers for Dunder-Mifflin here. Those agents owe it to the nation to hold themselves to a higher standard. Now if you don't believe in the whole "higher standards" thing then I understand why it's all about the gettin' some strange angle to you.

Buckaroo Banzai's picture

Of course what you say is true, and certainly its been happening ever since the Secret Service started traveling with the President.

The question is, why is it making it into the papers NOW? For 100 years this isn't news, and now it suddenly is?

What's the real agenda here?

"In politics, nothing happens by accident. If it happens, you can bet it was planned that way." --Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Are you kidding's picture

What "team"? Obama is the team. These are the fucking ROADIES! They do the same shit for every trip...their work WAS done, and it was time to party. What, if you work for "security" you're not allowed to fuck? There would be the SAME outrage if it was a trip to Vegas. Women don't want men fucking other women, THAT is what the outrage is about! It wouldn't matter who these people were or where they worked, if someone wanted to make a big deal out of it, they would/could very easily. The media jumps all over sex. TPTB use that to make changes. The new French president is who he is because of sex and the media. I'm waiting for the pendulum to swing the OTHER way and a woman needs 3 witnesses or a rape never happened. They've ruined so many mens lives with their FALSE accusations...fuck them. The Muslims do have a few things right. Keep the bitches locked up at home and not out causing trouble!

Non Passaran's picture

Good point - get laid the night before and get drunk the night after.

JohnFrodo's picture

I usually start at Dusk til Dawn, make a stop at the Firehouse and bring in the dawn at Big Apple.

Uncle Remus's picture

Actually, the whole story as related is indicative of the level of rot in the whole government. Furthermore, the incident could be construed as a tacit admission of lack of respect for the sitting POTUS or even the Office of POTUS itself.

This is much more than guys with badges stiffing hookers.

sgt_doom's picture

The fundamental problems, and the reason that Sullivan should have resigned or been canned long ago (director of the US SS) is that this represents a major security breach, period.

The second item, Secret Service agents with frigging Facebook pages, OMG...OMG, as their girlie friends would utter!

Geez, do they have a special section at Facebook for CIA agents, SEC pornographers, NSA field agents, DIA agents, etc., etc.? ? ?

Most important:  how come these world leaders always just happen to meet at those locales where prostitution is legal? ? ? ?

OMG . . . OMG. . . OMB! !

insanelysane's picture


wisefool's picture

Tax code. If any of you Zh'ers have been to DC, NYC, Charolette, Salt Lake City, etc.or any "law school" that teaches LLM in tax/econ PhD you would be more afraid of the tax code junkies than the sex and drugs junkies.

eddiebe's picture

Americans pre occupation for sex and media exploiting a story to the max. Wish they would spend as much time going after white collar crime. It would be pretty hard to resist the cutie in the foreground even if you had to cough up some federal reserve notes.

RunningMan's picture



Seems like with a devaluing currency, this is a pretty solid trade.

Son of Loki's picture

I read they were so, shall we say, 'concerned,' they sent a Congressional team to invesitgate the gals.....435 from the House and 100 from the Senate to interview the gals.

alexwest's picture

@Mr banzai..

we are waiting for your graphical presentation of ,best as always, this situation.. esp latin girls

thank you

Gully Foyle's picture


Where did you find the pic of Croatian girls sold into sexual slavery?

Gully Foyle's picture


I think you misunderstood what I posted.

CPL's picture

Well...what else were those girls doing?  Studying to be rocket scientists?  No.  They are hookers.


The fact they are sold or traded or walked into the sex trade industry with eyes wide open.  What else would they have done in Serbia?  Become president?  Top model...looks like they are well fed, from their lack of clothing I'll guess they haven't been beaten in the face because their noses are straight as an arrow.


Someone threw a lot of cash at that blonde chicks rack.


I would hazard they are treated like gold because they are a gold standard on the hooker circuit.

FranSix's picture

Looks like these gals are on the outskirts of town.  Just sayin'

Gully Foyle's picture


Jesus man, most people don't understand that the majority of pornagraphic material is in some way tied to the forced sexual enslavement of young women/men.

CPL's picture

Maybe it's the carnal nature of this that upsets you but it's doubtful you would stop to reflect on the death and destruction as a byproduct of our transportation system.  Most railroads and highways were build built with prison press gangs or slave labour around the world.  Should that cause me to reflect upon the case history before going for a drive or a train trip?

It effects me as much as you in the situation.  It gets blocked out and ignored.  


See these two girls?  Again...they are the gold standard of Serbian hooker technology.  What happens to the lead?  They clean your floors for half of minimum wage.  Pick your fruit.  Pluck every chicken ever eaten.  Take care of your children.  Make shitty toys...Seriously?

We're talking about hard dirty labour  If you've heard any of the interviews with these girls, they know that's the score.  Want to be treated like gold, then you sell yourself like you are made of it.  The other options are a thousand times worse, free or enslaved.


So would you rather be a Pretty Girl with a wicked ass and options?

Or an ugly troll in a sea of ugly trolls with no options?


There are no options like loans and's fairly binary.

EvlTheCat's picture

So I assume the hooker issue hit home with the author?  Nothing like being able to relate to a situation first hand, then get all uppity when people peg you as not having morals or ethics and compare you with the SS.

There are plenty of men who choose to be faithful for one endearing reason:  Love and respect for ones family.

What you choose to do with your dick is your business, but not at the expense of taxpayers.



youngman's picture

I live in seems to work very well down here....lots of happy people...

Cynthia's picture

Prostitution is not illegal in Colombia, so the Secret Service agents, who brought prostitutes back to their hotel rooms in Colombia, can’t be accused of a crime. The most they can be accused of is having sex with women who aren’t their wives. And at least they didn’t use taxpayer money to pay for the sex.

But the same thing can’t be said about either First Lady Michelle Obama or Defense Secretary Leon Paletta. Our First Lady has used our tax dollars to go on frequent and extravagant vacations. Over the past year, she has spent roughly $10 million in public money on 42 vacations for herself and her kids. This includes but no limited to her checking into five-star hotels, where she splurges on expensive massages and top-shelf alcohol. Here is some more on this:

And our Secretary of Defense has used our tax dollars to fly to and from his home in California. Over a period of roughly six months, he has made 27 round-trip flights to his home in California at a cost of, get a hold of this, $32,000 per flight! Here is some more on this:

Maybe Leon Panetta was right when he said that the Secret Service agents “let the president down” by having sex with Colombian prostitutes, despite the fact that they paid for the sex using their own personal money. But what is certainly right is that Leon Panetta has let the taxpayer down by spending millions in public dollars on personal plane flights to his home in California. Apparently he has forgotten that people like himself, the President and the First Lady are all public servants. They aren’t paid to serve themselves, they are paid to serve the taxpayer.

Gully Foyle's picture


"Prostitution is not illegal in Colombia, so the Secret Service agents, who brought prostitutes back to their hotel rooms in Colombia, can’t be accused of a crime."

I beg to differ

While those two bills don't exactly address the present issue, they point in a direction which allows US gove to prosecute even those actions are legal in the nation the so called crime was committed.

I imagine there is some obscure law or code that addresses the sexual aspect. We just haven't seen it mentioned yet.

Fred C Dobbs's picture

Who sucks my dick and under what conditions is no concern to the United States government. 

Gully Foyle's picture

Fred C Dobbs

Not quite true.

If it is a series of twelve year old boys sucking your dick, even with parental consent, then it should be the governments concern.

Fred C Dobbs's picture

you know 12 year boys didn't, so fuck you


Gully Foyle's picture

Fred C Dobbs

First of all I'm not a twelve year old boy, so you would have no desire to fuck me.

Second you post like a Catholic Priest.

One who has been moved from parish to parish for the last twenty years.

Otherwise you would have immediately agreed with the flaw in your op.

BeetleBailey's picture

Fuck right off Gully Foyle.

Keep this pedophilia verbiage OUT of these pages, you douchebag.

You making Sarko-like accusations to anyone on here is despicable. Got proof positive? No? Then ram your head up your pompous ass.

You have none of the scars of being taken by a priest...and if I was in your presence, I'd bitch slap your sorry ass.

You have no idea of what a priest does or says about this, do you?

" sound like a Catholic priest...".....really now......shitburger?

Again...stand the FUCK down on this pedo-crap.