Guest Post: Stupid Politician Monkeys

Tyler Durden's picture

From David Galland of Casey Research

Stupid Politician Monkeys

The human ape has any number of qualities not often found in other species of mammalia, including opposable thumbs and the ability to fashion and use tools.

Continuing the list, I would add a tendency to form all manner of mental constructs and to then act in accordance with those constructs, even when those constructs have little or no connection to reality.

Thus, for instance, I stride confidently onto the golf course with the firmly held conviction that I am a solid striker when, in fact, on most days I am a wild-hitting duffer of the lowest order.

But an over-elevated opinion of one’s golf game is harmless compared to some of the delusions humans are capable of. For instance, the teenager who becomes convinced that by blowing himself up in a crowd of innocents, he is serving some sort of higher purpose… or that his reward will be an eternity highlighted by bedding virgins.

A more widespread delusion is a tendency to believe in the status quo. Simply, that tomorrow will be roughly on par with today, a construct that extends out as far as the mind’s eye can see.

This particular construct is entirely understandable – it’s this expectation that things will be more or less constant that allows us to make plans and take the steps necessary to execute those plans. In other words, it is a lynchpin to human progress.

Conversely, when the controlling force of the economy that sustains us in our businesses and lifestyles is ever changeable – and these days that controlling force is the government – sensible humans become wary and start squirreling away nuts in preparation for an uncertain future. This is, of course, not conducive to a vibrant economy.

What will Team Obama dream up next in their flailing attempts at reinvigorating an economy that more than anything needs certainty? It is literally anyone’s guess. Are we going all in on the whole carbon credit thing, or is that now a passing fad? Will the Dodd-Frank Act, with its 400+ new rules for financial institutions and everyday businesses, such as automobile dealers who offer financing, help or hurt? Will the government, having bailed out the big banks, now turn around and sue them out of existence… or just until they squeal?

Is it any wonder that the banks now have upwards of $1.6 trillion in reserves sitting on the Fed’s balance sheet? Sure, they are earning a whopping 0.25% interest rate while taking no risk, as they would do if they put the money out as loans to the public. But the real implication – at least to me – is that they are keeping their capital on hand against the uncertainty of future government action and to deal with the hundreds of billions in toxic loans still on their balance sheets.

Another large subset of the human herd has become brainwashed to the point of delusion by a combination of state education, misinformed college professors, mainstream media, religious leaders and high-talking politicos into believing that they as individuals are little more than pawns, knee-benders, set on this planet to follow a path proscribed by the power elite.

As a consequence, when social trials arise on that path, they look first to the government for solutions. And they cling stubbornly to false beliefs, such as the myth of anthropogenic global warming, even though the truth of the situation would be readily apparent if they trusted in their instincts and did some actual research.

And so it is that while the world is dominated by the human ape, the species is greatly hindered in its progress by stupid monkeys. Let anywhere near the levers of power, it is a certainty these stupid monkeys will start pulling madly, and keep pulling even as the machine begins to shudder and smoke.

Making the point, I would like to share with you – a more sensible species of simian, I am sure – a few examples of stupid monkeys at their dumb deeds; deeds that can only make one shake one’s head in dismay.

For example….

The stupid monkeys at the Justice Department decided to block a merger between AT&T and T-Mobile because it would “harm competition.”

“Gawd’s blood!” I cry out loud to no one. The whole idea of such a business combination is, of course, to “harm the competition” by enhancing profitability with a combination of larger market share and reduced redundancies. Maybe the Justice Department should require AT&T to shut down, because the very act of staying in business is clearly damaging to the competition. And while they are at it, the feds should also clamp down on the burgeoning Internet telephony companies that are now slashing into the market share of all the big telecoms.

A sub-species of particularly stupid and destructive capuchins in the California legislature appear poised to pass a bill that will effectively put an end to hiring an adult babysitter or anyone seeking casual employment doing odd jobs.

Here’s the state’s own legislative summary of the bill’s intent:

Existing law requires employers to secure the payment of workers compensation for injuries incurred by their employees that arise out of and in the course of employment. The failure to secure workers compensation as required by the workers’ compensation law is a misdemeanor. Under existing law, employers of persons who engage in specified types of household domestic service and who work less than a specified number of hours are excluded from that definition of employer and are therefore excluded from the requirement to secure the payment of workers’ compensation, as specified.

This bill would remove that exclusion and require all domestic work employers, as defined, to secure the payment of workers compensation and would make conforming changes. By expanding the definition of a crime, this bill would impose a state-mandated local program.

In lay terms, the bill – which already overwhelmingly passed in the Democrat-controlled assembly and just passed unanimously through the California State Assembly Committee on Appropriations, precedent to passage by the Senate and therefore into law – will require you as a parent (or otherwise casual employer) to follow formal employee reporting protocols and, among other disincentives to employ, provide your babysitter with worker’s compensation benefits, regularly scheduled rest and meal breaks and even paid vacation time.

Failing to do so will open you up to lawsuits from disgruntled help and being dragged into court by the nanny’s nanny (state).

Now, a monkey with even average intelligence might conclude that passing this law in the grips of an unemployment crisis – and California’s unemployment rate is over 12%, versus the nationwide average of 9.1% – would curb enthusiasm for hiring and so should be avoided. But not the stupid California capuchins.

Vermonters want to block the shipment of oil from the tar sands through the state.

This next example is particularly ripe, providing evidence of just how badly the US educational system has failed its pupils.

Quoting a supportive article in Vermont’s Burlington Free Press

A tar sands oil developer might be planning to pipe its product to Montreal – and then across Vermont’s Northeast Kingdom in an existing pipeline to Portland, Maine, according to Canadian and American environmental groups.

That threatens the region’s air, water and wildlife habitat, the environmentalists say.

Egad, a reader might decide, the region’s environment is at risk. Break out the placards, fuel up the lawyers!

We are all aware, of course, of the principle of NIMBY – as in Not in My Back Yard. But even the most simple of simians might want to rethink the notion that Ft. McMurray, Alberta – the hub of the Canadian tar sands and source of the hateful oil – is in Vermont’s backyard. Unless one also considers, say, Phoenix, Arizona to be similarly a part of the neighborhood: Ft. McMurray is about 2,750 miles from Vermont, and Phoenix just 2,600.

And how is it that feeding processed oil into an existing pipeline constitutes such a dire threat?

Oh, what folly these enviro-monkeys are capable of. It it’s positively laughable, but only if you like laughing in the dark.

Then there’s this, from the Stupid-Monkey-In-Chief (SMIC)

This week, our own President Obama, the SMIC, has confirmed his intention to tune up his vocal chords in order to create the jobs that have so far gone missing in this crisis, and which, according to today’s again dismal unemployment data, remain nowhere in sight.

Said the SMIC:

“It is my intention to lay out a series of bipartisan proposals that the Congress can take immediately to continue to rebuild the American economy by strengthening small businesses, helping Americans get back to work, and putting more money in the paychecks of the middle class and working Americans, while still reducing our deficit and getting our fiscal house in order,” Obama said.

“We’re saved!” shout the staunch few that still believe the SMIC is cut from superior cloth. But even the stupidest of the stupid monkeys might be tempted, after so many disappointments, to raise their hands and ask, “What’s the plan, chief?”

In answer to which I provide the following preview of “the plan,” courtesy of Bloomberg

Obama’s plans include more infrastructure spending, tax incentives to spur hiring, a reduction in the employer portion of the payroll tax credit and changes to unemployment insurance to subsidize worker retraining.

Did you just get an overwhelming sense of déjà vu? If so, it’s probably because the SMIC’s latest plan is pretty much the same as the previous plan, and the one before that. Sure, there are a few tax breaks here and there – but companies don’t hire people based on tax breaks. They do so because there is work to be done and people are needed to do it. And in the real world, a $5,000 tax credit for hiring someone – the amount being bandied about in the new plan – will be burned through in a couple of months of (now mandatory) health insurance payments.

Still in the real world, if the country is to pull itself out of the muck, the government needs to stop spending itself into a deeper and deeper fiscal hole. And it needs to undergo radical reforms in regulatory and tax regimes (to attract businesses and capital here, versus over there). And it needs to remake the monetary system on a foundation of something more tangible than political promises.

But first of all, the government has got to acknowledge the simple reality that it cannot meet its obligations and begin, in earnest, the restructuring of those obligations.

Of course, only a stupid monkey would look at the state of our degraded democracy – where half of the monkeys pay no taxes while complaining about the half who do – and believe that the government will willingly make any significant reforms, versus just handing out more bananas.

Therefore, smarter-than-average monkeys are actively taking steps to protect themselves from the coming currency debasement – the only way the government knows to reduce its debt in a politically acceptable way.

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SwingForce's picture

Hey I resemble that remark...

gmrpeabody's picture

Thanks for the read...

I needed that, ROTFLMAO!

AND..., it's all true.

Apeman's picture

Hey I resemble that remark...

Those stupid politicians are making us look bad.

Libertarians for Prosperity's picture



This article is pure horseshit, a blatant attempt at racism hiding behind the thin veil of pseudo-philosophy and junior college anthropology 101.     

I get the feeling Mr Galland began with the phrase The Stupid Monkey In Chief, and set out to "construct" an article around it - like he heard the phrase on Limbaugh one morning and decided to write an article around it.  Reading this article at face value, this monkey shit is just a strange, out-of-place metaphor which totally distracts from his larger points.  As a reader, you're sort of left wondering why he spends so much time on monkeys, since the point of the article has nothing to do with evolution, sociology, zoology, anthropology, etc.

Why all the monkey talk? It seems very stretched.  

As one could expect from an article framed by an out-of-place metaphor, this article veers around aimlessly, first taking on an anthropological tone with stuff about opposing thumbs.  Then it veers into some painful philosophical tripe about mental constructs, without providing the slightest bit of science or psychology to back it up.  It's even got some gratuitious right-wing shit about environmental monkeys, as if that has anything to do with anything.    

He includes himself in this monkey business.... some bullshit about his golf game, or something.  Really, it's just a way to say, "hey, you can't call me a racist for calling Obama a monkey further down in the article, if I called myself one, too!"   It's very transparent.   

Then, randomly, he mentions the AT&T, T-Mobile merger, which certainly has nothing to do with opposing thumbs or "mental constructs."  If he's trying to make the point that government often interferes in the market place, well....that's not anything new.

No.  Actually what he's trying to do is loop another branch of our government into the "monkey" talk, so he can't be accused of racism when he turns toward Obama. 

He's just covering his bases. First, very light-heartedly, he calls himself a monkey.  And now that he's called the DoJ monkeys, he can finally get to the original point of this entire piece of shit journalism:  The Stupid Monkey in Chief

It's like writing an essay about some famous woman, but then framing it around a discussion about whores. Can't get mad at me if I call myself a whore, too, right? Lot's of loosely connected dots which attempt to outline a discussion about anthropology, philosophy, and mankind's penchant for self-delusion - but in the end, it's all just about the Stupid Monkey in Chief.....

Galland isn't a monkey with a bad golf game.  He's just another right wing super-pig.


JR's picture

In your zeal, you are unfairly demonizing a guy who in an earlier article. “Save the Virgins,” confused the bankers in this predatory Darwinian game of survival of the fittest with virgins, while referring to his own  “upright” ancestors as apes.

At the time, Galland feared that heavy-handed attempts at regulating the use of our money might be “counterproductive” for these predators, creating “an exodus of the more intelligent members of the sector to banks operating in less restrictive regimes.” 


Whalley World's picture

For the sake of accuracy, I do believe that both Chimps and Ravens have been observed creating tools in the wild and laboratory.

AnAnonymous's picture

At the time, Galland feared that heavy-handed attempts at regulating the use of our money might be “counterproductive” for these predators, creating “an exodus of the more intelligent members of the sector to banks operating in less restrictive regimes.”


This is stupid. On the contrary, intelligent members will see it as an opportunity to monetize their intelligence.

Intelligence, contrary to US propaganda, does not provide with options that do not exist.

Ben "True American" Bernanke is 160 IQ and he is applying solutions that people two standard deviations below would.

Bernanke is facing in this US world order a situation his intelligence does not matter. Millions of people are able to come up with the exactly same solutions as his.

As the US world order is building up on problems too complex for human intelligence to solve, intelligent people will welcome any opportunity to valorize their intelligence and finding loop holes in human made regulations is one of those opportunities.

Bullionaire's picture

I think you're overthinking this one, LibFoPro.  And yet, while I usually mostly agree with Galland, it seems that today he overdosed on his rich white guy supplements.  Perhaps he should stick to "gold, bichez."



fxrxexexdxoxmx's picture

Only bigots cry racism when simply asked for details.

How many cabinet members are African American in Ear Leaders regime?

Racism is as racism does..

I did it by Occident's picture

yeah, definitely an "reductio ad hitlerum" logical fallacy. 

Would it make a difference if clowns was subbed in for monkeys?  no, they are all monkeys and clowns,etc. 

Sheesh, the libtards are seeing racism behind every rock and tree.  Maybe people don't like the SMIC not because of his race, but because he is a tool. 

AnAnonymous's picture

Would it make a difference if clowns was subbed in for monkeys? no, they are all monkeys and clowns,etc.


The US citizen nature is eternal. Here, just down an article complaining about (some) humans prefering fantasy over reality, a comment is posted to defend the article's article, prefering fantasy over facts.

fantasy: he could have used clowns (while he did not)

reality: he used monkeys.

The injection of the monkey notion is extremelly feeble. It starts with capabilities that are not shared by all monkeys to jump to a capability that is very far from being widespred in monkeys: cultural ignorance of reality.

So why use monkeys and indeed not clowns? The question is valid. So is probably the answer as racism is an important component of US citizenism.

I did it by Occident's picture

Ok, so he could have used "Morons" or "Idiots",

Why use metaphorical characterization and cut to the chase.  Reality is more entertaining anyways.


AnAnonymous's picture

How many cabinet members are African American in Ear Leaders regime?

Racism is as racism does..

Indeed but the reading is wrong.

Obama is by all measures the US president with the least personal power. While he can abuse institutional power just like any other president, his personal power slice is near zero.

The very fact that he was unable to stuff his administration with negroes is a validation that the US is institutionally racist, that a negro, while reaching the highly position in power in the US country, can not perform actions a common US citizen can.

It is another validation that racism is white only so far. A negro when in charge of the US, is compelled the racist agenda.

There is nothing like negro racism, nothing like asian racism. Only white racism. Therefore it is useless to try to distinguish white racism from versions that do not exist.

Racism is white by default in this US world order.

Of course, the most delighful in this story is the comment sections it is written in.

I did it by Occident's picture

Wouldn't the use of the term "negro" in your commentary be considered racist? 

forexskin's picture

would you like some cheeeeezzzeee with that whiiiiiiinnnnnneeeee?

apologies to actual apes as the brunt of the comparison, especially the bonobos - problem? fix it with sex.

mmmmm, good plan.

RJ's picture

The monkey rhetoric below kind of proves your point.

What was the point of this article and what did it have to do with AT&T and the POTUS?

And if you think the connections were clear, well, OK--Gold Bitchez! I just flung some kitty kibble to make you happy.

Logans_Run's picture

Now that Obama is being asked to "change" he has no interest in doing so!

Cheesy Bastard's picture

Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape.

Flakmeister's picture

I always saw the excess reserves as dead money.....

Kayman's picture

Excess reserves on one side and matched against make believe paper on the other.

"Hey Captain, it sure is wet out tonite"

"Yes sir, matey, it's always a little damp when the boat is sunk"

Flakmeister's picture


"Yes sir, matey, it's always a little damp when the boat is sunk"

Classic... LOL

bid the soldiers shoot's picture

Don't you like found money better than dead money?

Cheyenne's picture

"A more widespread delusion is a tendency to believe in the status quo."


B9K9's picture

Bingo? I thought we (being ZH and commenters) had finally dispelled of the notion that anyone, anywhere, at any time, actually believed in the efficacy of any of the numerous interventions & stimulus programs, fiscal, monetary and otherwise.

The only widespread delusion is the tendency to believe the status quo didn't know exactly what was occurring. I mean, the hubris is remarkable; how is it that a small minority knows what's goin' down, yet the very engineers, all of them Ivy league grads, who designed, implemented and manage(d) the Ponzi, did not? LOL

There is no way out. We need an annual 2-3% increase in oil production to drive the global economy - one that correlates perfectly @ 1:1 with oil consumption/utilization. Flat production, not even peak oil, dooms the Ponzi. How can anyone with an IQ above, say, 120+, not understand that all these fuckers know perfectly well what is happening?

The name of the game is survival. Right now, they are in charge of the far-ranging legal apparatus, including command of the military, treasury and all police functions, to ensure that they have a leg up over you & me.

Bingo my ass.

Cheyenne's picture

"There is no way out."

Oh, there's a way out. Ain't gonna be comfortable, and won't involve the status quo, to be sure. But there is most definitely a way out.

Shell Game's picture

My version of a way out involves a gun held to government's head and pulling the trigger.  May mean we have to make our own shoes and ride horses again.  But it fucking beats an oligarchy-serving MIC and corporate & social parasites.

Cheyenne's picture

Indeed it does. Indeed it does.

X.inf.capt's picture

you know, guys, the matrix is starting to get unmanagible to the PTB. or so it looks.......

trav7777's picture

flat production IS peak oil...the cantarell-esque backside of the production curve is the apocalypse.  Gonna be some real four horsemen shit outta that.

bid the soldiers shoot's picture

Very true.

Then there's Ghawar. This one field was 6% of world production. They say it's dying.

Them 4 horsemen don't bother me. I got a ticket to ride.

Al Gorerhythm's picture

"A more widespread delusion is a tendency to believe in the status quo."

if no one believed there was a god, would there be one? A more widespread delusion ...............

It all boils down to the depths of delusion one is prepared to believe in. Fiat money, solvent banks, celebate priests, productive government.

Whalley World's picture

You can believe in change, spare change

Gubbmint Cheese's picture

Humans and apes aren't related at all.. they aren't even cousins.

so says the teaparty.


CH1's picture

Give it a rest. The "Tea Party" is millions of individuals, with opinions all over the map.

AnAnonymous's picture


Individuality does not exist in this US world order.

What is undivided in this US world order is the group.

The group is all.

The Tea Party as a group represents one opinion and one only on this topic.

People not sharing this opinion are in the wrong group.

Hot Piece of Bass's picture

"I would add a tendency to form all manner of mental constructs and to then act in accordance with those constructs, even when those constructs have little or no connection to reality."

Was that meant to be ironic?

I agree with much of what the writer posted, but frankly, most of what he said is based entirely on mental constructs and the self-aggrandizing opinions of some elitist sounding jerk.

Ever notice how the stupid masses are always... "Them?"  Does anyone ever stop and wonder... "Holy Crap!  Maybe I'm the idiot here?"

Just a thought...


Snidley Whipsnae's picture

"Ever notice how the stupid masses are always... "Them?" Does anyone ever stop and wonder... "Holy Crap! Maybe I'm the idiot here?"

Well, the answer to your question is 'sometimes'... Sometimes the most intelligent, clever, cunning (add any adjectives you wish) make mistakes.

...and the more that markets are warped by central bank interference the more mistakes we are likely to make...

Does anyone really believe that a bunch of guys in a central bank know more about what interest rates should be than Mr Market? Central bankers have turned everything upside down... They are trying to kill Mr Market.

One comforting thought ... Mr Market always wins in the end.

forexskin's picture

Ever notice how the stupid masses are always... "Them?"  Does anyone ever stop and wonder... "Holy Crap!  Maybe I'm the idiot here?"

LOL - that got me

now i know why i'm confused. its good that i'm confused... somehow...

rocker's picture

Nothing beats the credibility of the Monkey From FT who put out the bogus report on China buying Italy's Bonds. It was mostly old news reported before.

This puts the FT on the shit list with CNBC, who interviewed the asshole.  I actually thought the FT was a worthy paper. Not Anymore.

We all know that the markets are rigged. I did not put shorts on Today. But that was the reason they put this bogus rumor mill in the works.

The HFTs burnt the shorts. CNBC has done this type of work before. This time CNBC, FOX and Bloomberg joined the disease called journalism.

We do not have honest journalism, governments, media, and markets.

Thank God we still have Zero Hedge.    

Snidley Whipsnae's picture

+1 Rocker... Few places let to go... ZH is a keeper.

disabledvet's picture

Actually i want to give a shout out to CNBC...and Tom Keene who did the courageous thing today and didn't come to work. We all know the story...and we all know it's big courtesy of me, some guy named Reggie and of course Zero Hedge. For over a year now Bloomberg has taken our European baton and run one great story aftet another. Like a Mozart Opera this epic has played out both beautifully, hilariously and now ultimately tragically. Now here we are...CNBC is all in...they smell the big-ness in it. And Bloomberg shuts Bloomberg down. I'm living proof that money will buy the lie long after the galactically significant truth has been put down. The whole world is watching this. And where is CNN? Where is Fox and MSNBC? Forcing their people to spend quality time with a truck driver. It really goes to the heart of the simply non-serious nature of people who's job it is to show us the exact opposite. We here discuss the financial collapse of perhaps two Continents...and what i'm listening is a story about penguins. On CNN. I've never had a doubt about the rightness of you people here. What i don't understand is how those who are actually paid to do this can't see how they are seen for only their wrong-ness.

SheepDog-One's picture

FT should be shut down immediately, and charges against them such that they would spill the beans against whoever told them to pull that crap right when markets were caving in like a sandcastle at high tide.