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Jamie Dimon "Invited" To Testify Before Senate

Tyler Durden's picture


Update: JPMORGAN SAYS DIMON TO AGREE TO TESTIFY TO SENATE. Ummmm, there was an option?

As everyone (or at least Zero Hedge) long expected, JPM's prop trading debacle just got political and senators are about to demonstrate to the world just how little they understand about modern IG9-tranche pair trades. Expect to hear much more about JPM's "shitty" prop deal.

From the Senate Banking Committee:


WASHINGTON -- Senator Tim Johnson (D-SD), Chairman of the Senate Banking Committee, released the following statement regarding the Committee’s upcoming oversight hearings.

"Earlier this week, I announced the Senate Banking Committee would continue its oversight of the implementation of Wall Street reform by holding additional hearings with key financial regulators. The first of these hearings will be held next Tuesday, May 22 and it will provide Banking Committee members the opportunity to hear from the SEC and CFTC. The second hearing will be held on Wednesday, June 6 with the Federal Reserve, FDIC, CFPB, and OCC as well as the Treasury Department. As part of these hearings, I have asked the appropriate regulators to be prepared to update the Committee on the recently reported trading loss by JPMorgan Chase.

Over the past week, my staff and Ranking Member Shelby’s staff have jointly held briefings with regulators regarding the JPMorgan Chase trading loss, as well a briefing with the company itself. Our due diligence has made it clear that the Banking Committee should hear directly from JPMorgan Chase’s CEO Jamie Dimon, and following our two Wall Street reform oversight hearings I plan to invite him to testify. I encourage all of my colleagues on the Banking Committee to participate in these three critically important and timely hearings, so we can all better understand the facts.”


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Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:10 | 2436746 Aziz
Aziz's picture

I hereby invite Jamie Dimon to testify in front of Zero Hedge!

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:14 | 2436772 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

More bad news for Barry

The Vetting - Exclusive - Obama's Literary Agent in 1991 Booklet: 'Born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and Hawaii'


Breitbart News has obtained a promotional booklet produced in 1991 by Barack Obama's then-literary agency, Acton & Dystel, which touts Obama as "born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and Hawaii." 

The booklet, which was distributed to "business colleagues" in the publishing industry, includes a brief biography of Obama among the biographies of eighty-nine other authors represented by Acton & Dystel. 

It also promotes Obama's anticipated first book, Journeys in Black and White--which Obama abandoned, later publishing Dreams from My Father instead.

Barack Obama, the first African-American president of the Harvard Law Review, was born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and Hawaii.  The son of an American anthropologist and a Kenyan finance minister, he attended Columbia University and worked as a financial journalist and editor for Business International Corporation.   He served as project coordinator in Harlem for the New York Public Interest Research Group, and was Executive Director of the Developing Communities Project in Chicago’s South Side. His commitment to social and racial issues will be evident in his first book, Journeys in Black and White.

The booklet, which is thirty-six pages long, is printed in blue ink (and, on the cover, silver/grey ink), using offset lithography. It purports to celebrate the fifteenth anniversary of Acton & Dystel, which was founded in 1976.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:18 | 2436793 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

I would seriously LOVE to see this to be true.  Not for the point of discrediting the big O himself, as much as I would LOVE to see lamestream media being discredited.  Either way, good fun for popcorn lovers between this and Dimon's "testimony"

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:19 | 2436800 Ahmeexnal
Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:29 | 2436851 nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

As per the MF Global circus act:

"Yes, I was CEO of JP Morgan at the time.  But managing the firms finances and derivatives trades in excess of $1B fell out of the scope of my duties.  I ran the bistro on the 8th floor."


Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:32 | 2436873 Colombian Gringo
Colombian Gringo's picture

Nothing will happen to Dimon, in the same way the filthy sack of shit Corzine is still sliming around free despite having stolen billions. This is how things are in a crony capitalist society.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:51 | 2436960 resurger
resurger's picture

Sleep well... G.Orwell

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 20:12 | 2437905 AldousHuxley
AldousHuxley's picture

Jon Corzine was brought into MF Global via the government connections to revive it. Put NJ pension funds or whatever government funds into MF Global to inject cash so that US can hold on to whoever foreign suckers banking with MF. Why else would you hire ex-governor instead of bankster fresh from Goldman Sachs?


US government knows they are broke and living off of dumb Arabs and Chinese who put their slave wealth into American stocks and banks.


There are industries USA will protect in order to sustain the empire:

  • wall st. (bailout every 10 years)
  • oil (military fights for this)
  • military industrial complex (half of your taxes go here)
  • Corn and Beef (ultimate anti-riot strategy)

"Who controls the food supply controls the people; who controls the energy can control whole continents; who controls money can control the world" Kissinger



Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:02 | 2436990 fourchan
fourchan's picture



i feel like sticking them with my worthless mortguage, i cant get a rate only refi

but jpm can fuck up 4-5 billion without blinking an eye. fuck him and the fed he rode in on.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 17:33 | 2437443 flacon
flacon's picture

I am trying to think of ways we can divorce the word "capitalism" from what we have today.


It's like saying Jamie Dimon is a "crony good person". Or, that crack whore is a "crony model".


We have a disfunctional, retarded, make-believe, thieving, fantasy based on a lie that has absolutely nothing to do with capitalism. 

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 19:20 | 2437801 The Alarmist
The Alarmist's picture

No need.  Those bright enough to appreciate the concept already see the farce for what it is.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:50 | 2436956 The trend is yo...
The trend is your friend's picture

I do not recall

not my fault....i'll find someone to take the fall

above my pay grade......dooh...did i say that

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:58 | 2436984 ihedgemyhedges
ihedgemyhedges's picture

SENATOR: "Follow up question Jamie.  When is our tee time again?"

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:37 | 2436904 badrhino
badrhino's picture

If I had a birthplace, it would look like Kenya.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:20 | 2436808 xtop23
xtop23's picture

I'm curious. If he were ever found to actually not be an American citizen would that invalidate every executive order he's signed?

The idea of that gives me happy pants.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:28 | 2436852 Hippocratic Oaf
Hippocratic Oaf's picture

Jamie will make them an offer they can't refuse.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:36 | 2436896 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

It must be time to Savaren out of here if the game is so rigged in the banks favor that a congressional inquiry is called when a bank takes a loss. The shock and dismay at JPM's hit is so telling. Congress is going to do nothing but stroke Dimon's fragile ego, that's about it.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:55 | 2436974 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

The inquiry should indeed have happened when JPM had wins as those wins were a direct result of theft.  I concur.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 18:21 | 2437637 Matt
Matt's picture

Is this going to be the new normal, where the TBTF are expected to have perfect quarters all the time, and there will be a public hearing anytime one of them has a losing day?

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:48 | 2436930 scatterbrains
scatterbrains's picture

Our Bankster overlords installed him precisely because of this flaw so that if the shit hit the fan, proof can suddenly be discovered that dethrones him and (after Biden od's) they can install a provisional bankter overlord to "manage the affairs of the country through the transition"


Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:13 | 2437048 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

What better bankster overlord than Mitt Romney, one of their own spawn. Obama/Romney, it's all the same. Ron Paul was our only true hope for change.
Going Savaren!!!! Antarctica should be safe.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:45 | 2436937 BandGap
BandGap's picture

Yes, EVERYTHING he signed as president would be null and void - including laws and executive orders.

It's called a constitutional crisis, dontcha know?

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:48 | 2436949 t_kAyk
t_kAyk's picture

Secretary of State Ken Bennett had promised to ask Hawaii officials for verification of Obama’s documentation, vowing that if answers are not forthcoming, Obama’s name will not be on the ballot.

The assurance came in an email to various constituents in Arizona who had contacted Bennett’s office expressing concern that the name of an ineligible candidate would be presented to voters in November.

“Because of the importance and profile of the president’s case, and at the request of many constituents, I have gone the extra step of asking the state of Hawaii to verify the facts contained in his birth certificate,” Bennett wrote in response to concerns last month. “Hawaii is bound by their own statutes to provide such verifications to other state officials in their official duties.

“With all due respect, the [Arpaio] investigation has not proven anything other than raised probable cause that the birth certificate posted on the White House website ‘may be’ a forgery. The next lawful step would be for the sheriff’s office to turn their findings over to the county attorney for prosecution,” he continued. “Evidence would be brought on both sides and a judge should issue a decision.

“Whether or not that happens, if Hawaii can’t or won’t provide verification of the president’s birth certificate, I will not put his name on the ballot,” he wrote.

“I can tell from the tone and language of your letters that the only acceptable outcome for you is that his name not be on the ballot, period. That may be what happens, but under my watch, it won’t happen based on opinions, petitions, probability or pledges to support or oppose me in the 2014 governor’s race. My oath of office is to uphold the Constitution and laws of our state and country, and I’m going to do that by following the law,” he said.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:54 | 2436968 robertocarlos
robertocarlos's picture

Obama is the CEO of a corporation. He doesn't have to be an American citizen.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:08 | 2437024 Seer
Seer's picture

Ho hum... clowns to the Left of me, jokers to the Right...

Heard the same shit about G.W. Bush, AWOL etc.  And if I were so inclined to WASTE precious time I'm sure that I could pick out similar shit for EVERY POTUS.

How this differs from people wasting their time watching Dancing With Stars I haven't a clue.  Keep it up, you're doing a fine job running distraction while I continue to prepare for the "world after"...

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:18 | 2437089 sgt_doom
sgt_doom's picture

"Heard the same shit about G.W. Bush, AWOL etc."

Unfortunately, that was the misdirection, although somewhat accurate.

Having gone through USAF basic training shortly after Bush phased out of it (that's washed out in civilian terminology, he only made it for four weeks in an eight-week training camp), we still heard the TI's laughing and joking about that slacker-loser rich Representative's son (which Bushie senior was around that time).

So Bush never made it through basic training, yet returned to Houston where Pappy bush pinned officer's bars on his should? ? ?

Anyone recall ever actually going through flight school with Geo. W. Bush? ? ?

Now Johnny Boehner, present drunk-as-a-skunk and twice as dumb, Speaker of the House, also washed out that very same year (1968) of Navy boot camp, but didn't receive any further compensation the way Bushie did.

Although, Boehner later fraudulently (felony at the time) falsely claimed military service during Vietnam when he first ran for the House.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:14 | 2436773 SHEEPFUKKER

Dog meets pony. 

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:39 | 2436911 pods
pods's picture

If I am going to watch a pony show, this one ain't it!


Thu, 05/17/2012 - 18:37 | 2437673 PoliticalRefuge...
PoliticalRefugeefromCalif.'s picture

more like dog and pony show at a Tijuana bar...

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:15 | 2436775 lostintheflood
lostintheflood's picture

wouldn't that be mahvelous....

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:22 | 2436819 vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

Dimon doesn't even understand what modern IG9-tranche pair trades are!

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:35 | 2436886 midgetrannyporn
midgetrannyporn's picture

That's when you have short junk, go good and long up the ass, cover your tail to prevent getting effed but then you end up shitting out all your profits.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:36 | 2436899 resurger
resurger's picture






c ya

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:41 | 2436914 Seer
Seer's picture

Nice little get-together at Town Center, Noon.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:29 | 2437148 Dingleberry
Dingleberry's picture

I'm sure he will receive the same deferential treatment from that esteemed body that his buddy Corzine did....

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:15 | 2436780 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture


Damn, beat me by seconds.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:22 | 2436824 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

i am looking more forward to reading the life story about The New Kids on The Block

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:11 | 2436754 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Does anyone think this moron knows what Sarbanes Oxley and Rule 10b5 are!

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:19 | 2436798 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

Shit, I don't even think he knows the difference between mark-to-model vs. mark-to-market. 

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:41 | 2436918 resurger
resurger's picture

The 5th

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:47 | 2436945 Convolved Man
Convolved Man's picture

I hope he has to bring a thick ass 3-ring binder overflowing with pages of trade records and e-mails to flip through while being peppered with innocuous questions.

Nothing more disarming to one's credibility as everyone waits for you to thumb to the right page.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:20 | 2437102 sgt_doom
sgt_doom's picture

No, but as the most witty commenter here today mentioned, he does know how to run the Bistro.

(assuming he wasn't referring to JPMC's B.I.S.T.R.O.?)

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:11 | 2436755 pods
pods's picture

Careful, if they ask him about steroid use and he lies they will toss him in jail!

He better stick to lying about finance.


Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:26 | 2436839 AL_SWEARENGEN

Why don't they also INVITE him to comment on the ongoing lawsuit & CFTC investigation against them for rigging the Silver market.  Oh wait, those cocksuckerz in congress are complicit!!  Never mind.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:13 | 2436763 midgetrannyporn
midgetrannyporn's picture

I invite dimon to blow me.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:20 | 2436802 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

I'd give him a Cleveland steamer over letting those vile lips touching my most prized possession.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:25 | 2436766 GeneMarchbanks
GeneMarchbanks's picture

'Update: JPMORGAN SAYS DIMON TO AGREE TO TESTIFY TO SENATE. Uhm, there was an option?'

Does JPMorgan make all decisions on behalf of Demon?

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:14 | 2436768 icanhasbailout
icanhasbailout's picture

I predict a) he will "decline" the invitation; b) he will not be sworn/under oath, or c) he will take the Fifth at some point in the testimony.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:20 | 2436803 bdc63
bdc63's picture

b).  he won't be sworn in, but he'll show ... and he'll talk ciricles around them ... and he'll say more regulation wouldn't have changed one single thing about the hedge, 'cause it was completely compliant ... and at no point was the taxpayer ever at risk ... bs .... bs .... bs ....

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:21 | 2436812 fuu
fuu's picture

If he isn't drunk that day.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:52 | 2436963 smb12321
smb12321's picture

i like Tyler but sometimes he can go off the deep end.  He's been prophecying enormous JPM losses for months (years?) and now that they lose 1/10 of 1% of their capital that was not taxpayer or customer money it's suddenly a vindication.   No, it's a screwup but certainly not what is being presented. 


Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:02 | 2437001 fuu
fuu's picture

-27% off the 52 week high...$47.8 billion in market cap.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:15 | 2437042 Badabing
Badabing's picture

I heard they are up to $3,000,000,000.00 today SMB up down


Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:14 | 2436769 Lost Wages
Lost Wages's picture

If they can't bring someone in who knows WTF they're doing to ask the right questions, then what is the point? I don't look forward to watching another room full of senators go "derpity doo why wont u guys talk and incriminate yourselves? wah!"

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 23:48 | 2438409 traditionalfunds
traditionalfunds's picture

Dimon first learned of the London Whale @ April 13 from the Bloomberg story. According to tonight's WSJ "behind the scenes" look at JPM's handling of this screwup Dimon didn't ask to see the CIO unit's positions until April 30. That's right two and a half weeks. Clueless!

Based on that, I think the first question the Senate should ask him is either "What took you so long to even look at these positions?" or "Why were you asleep at the wheel?" 

& "Do you read Zero Hedge Mr. Dimon?" Follow-up: "Don't you think you should?"

& "Do you know the positions Blythe Master's has on at the moment in her portfolio?" 

& "Is it safe to say you were distracted from your duties by the Occupy Wall St spring resurgence?"   



Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:14 | 2436770 fuu
fuu's picture

Edith O'Brien better call her lawyer again.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:15 | 2436776 bdc63
bdc63's picture

... rearranging deck chairs ...

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:28 | 2436785 Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture

Just got a view of the handwritten invitation from the senate:

Because you have shared in our lives
with your Friendship and Love, We
The senate
And the propaganda press
ask you to join us for an intimate ceremony
to celebrate your past bonuses
on Thuesday, the 22th of may
two thousand and twelve
at five in the afternoon

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:17 | 2436787 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

Dimon is an arrogant man but in his defence against an idiotic senate, who will question THEM about losing 2 billion dollars twice a day with all the deficit spending going on?

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:39 | 2436910 Seer
Seer's picture

"idiotic senate"

They only feign idiocy.  They are there to distract so that people like Dimon can continue to bilk everyone and call it "business."

The Fed/Banks and business are doing fine when compared to the average person.  Govt is doing it's "job!"

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:17 | 2436791 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Will he have a " Honorable Jamie Dimon " name plate ?

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:22 | 2436816 bdc63
bdc63's picture

I believe he prefers 'Your Royal Highness" ...

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:21 | 2437108 sgt_doom
sgt_doom's picture

I believe it's "Overlord D."

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:32 | 2436872 Vincent Vega
Vincent Vega's picture

Probably. But it should read: Slimey Cocksucking Douchenozzel Banking Whore <imho>

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:39 | 2436895 bdc63
bdc63's picture

imagine the lawsuits -- whores everywhere would join forces to mount a class action case of "slander" ...

(I'm giving myself a +1 for the "mount" double entendre)

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:04 | 2437011 Q.E.easy
Q.E.easy's picture

I gave you another +1.... the comment was funny, and your lonely +1 was starting to look a little sad.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:10 | 2437030 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

I gave you a +1 because of your thoughtfulness and looking out for others.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:22 | 2436821 MFL8240
MFL8240's picture

John Corizde went before congres and lied so what the fuck differnce does this interview make?

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:43 | 2436857 bdc63
bdc63's picture

It makes no difference whatsoever ... it's just to make congress look like they are actually doing something ...

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:22 | 2436822 BlackholeDivestment
BlackholeDivestment's picture

...I'll be there for this one, would not miss it for the world. 

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:23 | 2436827 johnjkiii
johnjkiii's picture

I hope his opening statement contains this quote from a Ben speech the same day as he announced the loss:

A number of key systemic risk measures that evaluate the potential performance of firms during times of financial market stress have improved in recent months. These indicators of systemic risk are now well below their levels in the crisis, and, overall, they present a picture of a banking system that has become healthier and more resilient. ...Such measures include the conditional value at risk, or CoVaR, which is an estimate of the extent to which a bank's distress would be associated with an increase in the downside risk to the financial system."

-Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke, "Banks and Bank Lending: The State of Play," conference on Bank Structure and Competition, Chicago, Illinois, May 10, 2012



Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:28 | 2436831 Mercury
Mercury's picture

Is you is or is you ain't a spek-u-lay-tuh Mr. Dimon...

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:33 | 2436881 bdc63
bdc63's picture

Well Ms. Waters, that depends on what your definition of the word "is" is ...

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:26 | 2436833 Mercury
Mercury's picture

<    >

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:25 | 2436837 Bugsquasher
Bugsquasher's picture

Screw the Senate. I want to se Dr. Paul get his hands on him in frot of the House Banking Committee.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:26 | 2436846 tmosley
tmosley's picture

I invite Dimon for a short visit to the gallows, and then a long stay over the rim of the Brooklyn Bridge.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:28 | 2436856 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

Fuck, the Feds are more concerned about KimK's Keds commercial not living up the hype than they are about the frau of JPM.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:36 | 2436898 pods
pods's picture

Just in case they DO work I got Mrs. pods a set....

You never know?


Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:33 | 2436879 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

I'm Jamie Dimon, I was hired to look good and I look Maavarlousss.  A tranche?  What's 'dat, some kind of french pastry?

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:38 | 2436887 mqg25
mqg25's picture

I'm sure congress wants to "act" like they are going to get to the bottom of this derivatives debacle. There will be some grunting and finger pointing but in the end there will be winks and handshakes all around, and promises of future campaign contributions with some inside trading tips to boot.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:35 | 2436888 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

I remember when Jamie Dimon took over the morgue,CNBC kept running videos of him going into the headquarters with all the sycophants standing up and cheering him like he was some royal prince taking over the thrown.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:35 | 2436889 BLACK_DOG
BLACK_DOG's picture

Donald (go bankrupt) Trump wants to know how jamie keeps his hair in place!

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:37 | 2436901 Mark123
Mark123's picture

Ho hum....Jamie to testify before the people he and his buddies arranged to get into office.

I will get interested when there is news that the armed forces have mutinied and refused to continue supporting the corrupt bankrupt gang that has usurped the American system and trampled all over the constitution and opened its borders and treasury to the highest bidders. 

Until then it's all theatrics.  Keep waving the stars and stripes, watching Hollywood crap and eating fast food. I ever getting cynical these days.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:39 | 2436912 slackrabbit
slackrabbit's picture

Yea, like whose in charge and who seems to be in charge.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:41 | 2436916 Joe The Plumber
Joe The Plumber's picture

I wonder if Jamie Dimon discreetly wears body army out in public now, like john corzine?

I think it would be very prudent

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:10 | 2437031 Vince Clortho
Vince Clortho's picture

The safest place for Dimon is probably in the Senate.

Lots of armed security there.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 17:08 | 2437334 catacl1sm
catacl1sm's picture

They aren't wearing helmets.... I'm just saying.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:41 | 2436919 TheSilverJournal
TheSilverJournal's picture

The only reason why trading losses in a private company is political is because the banks are essentially under government control, run by the government, for the government, but the executives at banks get much better salaries than government employees.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:45 | 2437237 blindman
blindman's picture

you might want to think about what you just wrote,
one more time for fucks sake.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:42 | 2436925 OnTheWaterfront
OnTheWaterfront's picture

DOW 12000 by friday?

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:52 | 2436938 bdc63
bdc63's picture

... that's 450 points from here ...

if Europe continues its slow motion train wreck, it could be lower than that.

if Ben makes one of his "we stand ready ..." comments, it could be a lot higher.

Nothin' matters but headlines right now.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:43 | 2436929 ArrestBobRubin
ArrestBobRubin's picture

Oh yeah! Let's watch the "senators" give Jamie messy blowjobs all week! Maybe they'll even call up Richard Benvinisti to make some scowls and a couple digs to make it look really good. Just like he did with Condi Rice. It's theater of the absurd

That's the kind of Just Us that this La Kosher Nostra Kingpin will receive from these craven AIPAC buttboys (and girls). Afterall, AIPAC's main objective is control of the US senate.  Other arms of the money power crime octopus work their magic on other primary targets like the house, the "president" (oh that's funny), and scotus...

Of course, in AIPAC I'm referring to the filthy denizens of the American-Iranian Political Action Commitee who owns "our" "senators" lock, stock, and barrel. Word is the repression and corecion in the senate is so intense, those few who haven't already joined the actve treachery are made to understand that the lives of their families are on the line. That's a powerful stick. All they did was to pass around some pictures of the Wellstone family crash...

My these insidious Iranains play dirty. It's just diabolical.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:44 | 2436933 Ted Baker
Ted Baker's picture


Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:35 | 2437187 Badabing
Badabing's picture

you hurt my ear drums!

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:46 | 2436939 vachon
vachon's picture

They'll fillet him then go back to petting his hair. 

Nice hair.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:46 | 2436941 Mark123
Mark123's picture

Why not ask themselves to testify to the American people why they have allowed wall street criminals to take over the financial system?  Jamie is just taking advantage of their dereliction of duty.


Still, it would be nice to see him marched up to the gallows!

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:47 | 2436948 slewie the pi-rat
slewie the pi-rat's picture

i'd like to see alPacino do a version of this

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:00 | 2436997 robertocarlos
robertocarlos's picture

"Don't waste my MF time!"?

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:45 | 2437236 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

"I'm gonna' vaporize you'z guys!"

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:53 | 2436958 suckerfishzilla
suckerfishzilla's picture

A congressman can at least google the Constitution if he finds himself at a loss.  I searched for IG9-tranche pair trade and I got one result.  Right here. When Dimon says that JP Morgan lost 2 billion in a complicated trade I just wonder what offshore account in what non-extradition treaty country the money wound up in.

Fri, 05/18/2012 - 14:07 | 2438859 slewie the pi-rat
slewie the pi-rat's picture

hey, suckerfish_Z! 

i've been having similar thoughts

last week, i was wondering whether some of the do-re-mi might have become "capital" for a EU bankster, or even a "transfer" to some poor, battered hedgie to keep the outrage from moving up the economic food chain too fast...

...this week, i am wondering what week it is...

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:55 | 2436975 blindman
blindman's picture

i hope they ask him about stealing the mf global
client money, just for laughs, but
this crop has no humour.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 15:57 | 2436981 lizzy36
lizzy36's picture

Quick someone make a "Synthetic Credit Portfolios" for dummies book. Make sure there are lots of stick figure drawings. Forward to the Senate Banking Committee.

Add an appendix for each senators top 100 sponsors.

Remind them all that JPM was the only bank that DID NOT need a bailout in 2008. 

Seriously this matter has many macro and general consequences. But the effect on JPM is very very small.

What is the cost to the taxpayer for this political circus (Fed, SEC, DOJ, etc)?

Btw, this trade, like so many, is one of the long list of unintended consequences of HORRIBLE monetary policy. Perhaps, they should be examing that. Then examine a real solution to TBTF. The rest is just a side show for politicans who face re-election (or not) in 6 months.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:01 | 2437000 Bartanist
Bartanist's picture

Maybe now they will reinstate Glass-Steagall and break up the large integrated bank and crooked casino owners.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 18:45 | 2437696 WillyGroper
WillyGroper's picture

As my dearly departed grandmother used to say "Wish in one hand & shell peas in the other. See which one gets full first."

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:05 | 2437013 Rastamon
Rastamon's picture

i already know what the summary of his "testimony" will consist of:



"i can't recall"

"i can't recall"

"i can't recall"

"i can't recall"

"i can't recall"

"i can't recall"

"i can't recall"

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 18:46 | 2437704 WillyGroper
WillyGroper's picture

Well, he is a boomer. Maybe he got some tainted beef.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 19:24 | 2437817 The Alarmist
The Alarmist's picture

There might also be at least one of those 

"On the advice of counsel, I decline to answer that question on the grounds that it may infringe on my 5th amendment rights." 

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:08 | 2437020 Vince Clortho
Vince Clortho's picture

Dog and Pony show for the 10% of the American public that has any idea who Dimon is.

What Chairman Johnson will conclude is that Mr. Dimon is a great man who has been misunderstood.

The chairman will then lick Dimon's shoes and ask for forgiveness.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:08 | 2437021 Racer
Racer's picture

 JPM have been asked to testify because they had a.... loss....


LOSSES are NEVER allowed to be visible they must at all costs be off balance sheet and marked to myth did they not know that after their vast experience in the matter? Someone got lazy

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:12 | 2437039 Kilgore Trout
Kilgore Trout's picture

Like inviting the landlord over for lunch. Better make sure the kitty litter is fresh.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:13 | 2437044 Shizzmoney
Shizzmoney's picture

I won't need to watch this charade.

I have a place to watch someone getting his balls played's called, ""

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:15 | 2437045 carbonmutant
carbonmutant's picture

The session will be highly scripted.

You may be overestimating congress' ability to ask pertinent questions.


Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:17 | 2437081 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

We've had many commissions and investigations in the past and look where we are today.  To say that they have been worthless would be very magnanimous and charitable.........

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:25 | 2437124 W10321303
W10321303's picture

My crystal ball shows that Dimon will say...."F##k you, I own this place and all of your sorry asses, now start cutting Medicare, I want to see some dead old ladies in the street, NOW!"

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:30 | 2437158 jumbo maverick
jumbo maverick's picture

DImon- For fucks sake no I won't except your invitation! I'm busy, do you know how long it will take me to count all this money?

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:37 | 2437197 mammoth mo
mammoth mo's picture

1st Question,


Since JP Morgan knew maybe weeks before everyone else that they had indeed screwed up - did you hedge by buying Puts and FAZ before anyone knew?


Of course senator, how do you think we made up the 3 billion?  Your cut is coming.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 16:43 | 2437202 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

More theater from the most theatrical and least useful troupe of bad actors (shuffling idiots) extant in U.S.S.A. society - CONgress and Bankers.

Will the muppets be there?  Miss Piggy?  Kermit?  Gonzo?  The Swedish Chef?  It would quadruple the entertainment value and gravitas of those echoing chambers of malfeasance.

The flies buzzing about detritus in my yard are doing more work than this passel of buffoons.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 17:04 | 2437299 Postmortemism
Postmortemism's picture

I think Jamie's essentially just trying to show up Corzine, showing the world of crooks how its done. This guy is unbelievable in his ability to obfuscate and do so confidently, like Michael Corleone in GFII when he appeared before the congressional mafia infestigators to make 'his father's business' look completely legitimate.

He and Blythe Masters are the head and hands of this opporation. I found a fascinating interview with Blythe Master's biographer, just released a few days ago, where the interviewer gives him the opportunity to explain the essence of his book. It's uncanny that this random journalist goes in-depth about how JPM and Masters especially may be causing the next world revolution:   Sucks that the book is only available in French.

You gotta think that Dimon knows all of this and more. And will have the most boring way to get congress confused about all of it. 

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 17:00 | 2437301 docj
docj's picture

Ummmm, there was an option?

Sure there's an option. Jamie-boy could have told the distinguished morons, "Look morons, in a capitalist systems gains happen and losses happen. And it happens every day. Screw."

Oh, wait - Jamie-boy is part of the TBTF complex that proves we have anything but a capitalist system - though certain Senators (COUGHup-chuck-schmuckerCOUGH) will certainly do his level-best in this dog & pony to try, convict and execute "capitalism". So no, I guess he really didn't have a choice.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 17:02 | 2437309 waterhorse
waterhorse's picture

CONgress' "due diligence?"  I needed a laugh for the day.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 17:03 | 2437316 Conax
Conax's picture

"Now behold the awful price of vampyre squidfoolery!"

(the crowd rages in fury)

"You will fall to your knees now, admit you're connivance, name your co-conspirators and beg our mercy; and you shall have it."

(Judge shows Legs the AX)

Legs defiantly keeps his mouth closed.


(crowd roars with delight and blood lust)  - - - but noooooo.

The senators get to go on record being against unpleasant things while Legs gets to be on television and talk for an hour without relating anything actionable, but he'll come across as a hapless figure head, his employees having effed up.

The senators will schmooze all His ruffled feathers at the after testimony party.


Thu, 05/17/2012 - 17:08 | 2437336 waterhorse
waterhorse's picture

It's too bad that none of our critters have the balls to say to Jamie Dimon:  "Look you rat bastard, I know you're guilty as hell and I'm hauling you in to testify.  Until then, your fat, conniving, corrupt, arrogant old ass is going to be parked in jail and getting a pounding by Bubba.  Don't drop the soap."

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 17:30 | 2437414 alfred b.
alfred b.'s picture


I think that you've just hurt Bubba's feelings...he would never sink this low.  Besides, dimon probably got more bodyguards than anyone in CONgress.

On the other hand, I would invite dimon to take a leave of Syria!


Thu, 05/17/2012 - 17:40 | 2437481 waterhorse
waterhorse's picture

I think you're right, even Bubba wouldn't touch THAT.  Mea culpa.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 18:13 | 2437620 I am a Man I am...
I am a Man I am Forty's picture

This is what this guy gets paid for and is what he is good at, kind of like Clinton and Obama.  Say what you want about any of them, they are top notch bullshitters.  Fucking top notch.  You may not like any of these fuckers, but the average brain dead US citizens laps up their bullshit, and that's all that matters.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 18:16 | 2437627 WillyGroper
WillyGroper's picture

Praise be, maybe Maxine can start the questioning.

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 20:14 | 2437911 lkzagsfan
lkzagsfan's picture

Maybe whle Dimon is explaining how JPM lost $2B, the senate can talk about going $4T in the whole over the last 3-years.

Fri, 05/18/2012 - 01:06 | 2438593 Bansters-in-my-...
Bansters-in-my- feces's picture

Free Jon Corzine....!!!  NOW.....!!!

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