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Jamie Dimon's Quandary: Now That JPM's Internal Hedge Fund Is Gone, Where Will 25% Of Net Income Come From?

Tyler Durden's picture


Much has been said about JPM's CIO Loss (which so far has come at a little over $5 billion, just as we calculated in the hours after the original May 10 announcement). And with the so called final number out of the way, investors in JPM have breathed a sigh of relief and are stepping back into the company hopeful that a major wildcard about the firm's future has been removed. The issue, however, is that the CIO loss was never the question: after all JPM could easily sell debt or raise equity to plug liquidity shortfalls. The real issue is that just as we explained months before the loss was even known, the Treasury/CIO department was nothing short of the firm's unbridled hedge fund which could do whatever it chooses, and not be held accountable to anyone at least until its counterparties broke a story of an epic loss to the media. And thus the problem becomes apparent: now that every action of the CIO group is scrutinized under a microscope by everyone from management to auditors to regulators to analysts to fringe blogs, the high flying days of whale trades are forever gone. The question then is just how big was the contribution of the Treasury/CIO group, which until today was buried deep within JPM's Corporate and PE Group and not broken out. Luckily, as today's JPM Earnings Presentation (page 14) shows, CIO is now a distinct line item.

(The CIO group is also for the first time broken out as a separate line item in JPM's Financial Supplement, p. 34)

Thanks to the new breakout, reminiscent of Goldman starting to break out its own Prop Trading group some years ago, we now know exactly just how big the contribution to both revenue, but more importantly, net income was courtesy of JPM's Hedge Fund.

The result is nothing short of stunning.

As can be seen on the chart below, the CIO group accounted for whopping 31.5% of Net Income (adjusted to exclude DVA, Reserve additions or releases and one-time items) in 2009, for a just slightly less ridiculous 19.1% of adjusted Net Income in 2010, and 10% in 2011!

Of course, once Bruno Iksil got caught with his back against the wall, the CIO group blew up, and results in a Net Income loss of $2.1 billion in Q2 2012 as was reported today.

And yes, the bloodletting may be over. But something else that is also over, is CIO being a net contributor of up to 30% of Net Income. In fact, going forward, it is safe to assume that since now the Treasury group will return to its standard role of hedging the firm's other positions, it will likely have a negative contribution to net income. After all, if anything, as a result of the CIO debacle Jamie Dimon has at least learned the definition of hedging, which does not mean accounting for a whopping 30% of total net income in any one year!

And this, more than anything is what JPM would be worried about: because is between 20% and 30% of Net Income is gone on a going forward basis, then Jamie Dimon, and JPM shareholders, will have a major problem in the future: CIO generated roughly $4 billion on average per year (2009 and 2010) in the years it was a properly functioning hedge fund. This "profit center" is now gone forever.


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Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:43 | 2614201 GolfHatesMe
GolfHatesMe's picture

No freaking Shit, corrupt or not, the underlings are going to fill this void with revenue?  How the hell is that going to happen?  Stupid Algo.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:57 | 2614265 idea_hamster
idea_hamster's picture


Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:12 | 2614297 Kitler
Kitler's picture

Where Will 25% Of Net Income Come From?

50% more Muppetslamming and Muppetstuffing until the next round of QE.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:14 | 2614329 Doubleguns
Doubleguns's picture

Bastards will probably take up silver manipulation or some other such evil.  /s

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:36 | 2614413 Muppet of the U...
Muppet of the Universe's picture

Alright, so all of you are saying, they will manipulate markets and cheat.  THEY ALREADY DO.  They have PROVEN that they are talentless!  Their only strategy is martingaling...  they are WEAK and STUPID. 

Quants?  Fucking morons who couldn't win if they tried.  I fucking wreck them with my brain given the chance.  But this is not the point.


They will have another trading desk, and simply hide it or rename it.  They must have another trading desk, or their derivitives trades will tank everything.  Then the muppets will get angry, and bankers heads, might roll.  That isn't a desirable outcome.  Bubble needs to stay alive at least through election, and hopefully for at least another half decade.  End of story.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 17:58 | 2614481 notbot
notbot's picture

"Where Will 25% Of Net Income Come From?"

Sallie Krawcheck made this point this morning; hosts just glossed right over it.

Fast forward to 5:00

"What does this mean for the normalized earnings for this company...Does that mean the ROE isn't 10 to 12, it's 8?, it's 7? Which gets very close to your cost of capital"

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 18:11 | 2614671 smiler03
smiler03's picture

 "Where Will 25% Of Net Income Come From?"

It's bloody obvious where it will come from. Clients segregated funds. Duh!!!

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 20:16 | 2614897 JPM Hater001
JPM Hater001's picture

Not that anyone cares but I have been sailing on Lake Michigan today in complete and total peace that everything in the world was...well let's just say..."I love it when a plan comes together."

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 21:04 | 2614960 fnordfnordfnord
fnordfnordfnord's picture

Aw man, sorry to hear about your loss.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:21 | 2614353 ArkansasAngie
ArkansasAngie's picture

Ben is going to inflate their arses out of that hole

I wonder how smoke has been blown up the boards skirts

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:59 | 2614266 MillionDollarBonus_
MillionDollarBonus_'s picture

I worry when I see this kind of economical ignorance. JP Morgan is a Bulge Bracket investment bank with many different revenue models, all of which deliver world class services to clients. Investment banking, private banking, market making, prime services and sell side analysis are but a few of the services provided by JP Morgan. JP Morgan's clientele is impressively prestigious, and ranges from wealthy businessmen, politicians and elite hedge funds to the United States Government and Federal Reserve Bank.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:07 | 2614302 jayman21
jayman21's picture

Nice way to start the weekend.  LOL +1


Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:12 | 2614317 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

By prestigious I assume you mean anal raping pillaging pirates with no moral compass or ability to have empathy.  Cock suckers who would kill their own mother and sell her kidney's to keep a lie floating.  Control freak ass munchers who have only succeeded through fraud, deceit, lies, and the financial murder of those foolish enough to trust them.

Is that what you meant?


Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:36 | 2614410 pashley1411
pashley1411's picture

JPM dildo.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:49 | 2614470 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

Chances are a JPM Dildo is faux silver colored and paper mache.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 17:43 | 2614616 Dr Benway
Dr Benway's picture

From the classic movie "Top Secret", here is the JPM Dildo, also known as the Anal Intruder. It will electrify you!

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 17:01 | 2614515 Silver Alert
Silver Alert's picture

Don't forget drug lords, various tyrants, illegal immigrants & welfare ECB card holders.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 20:44 | 2614928 mick68
mick68's picture

Milliondollar is one of Dimon's illegitimate children, a buck per post isn't bad compared to what the other kids get paid.

Sat, 07/14/2012 - 03:00 | 2615307 eatthebanksters
eatthebanksters's picture

MDB, you are absolutely the best! You fit right in with your pals Barry O and Larry S!  You know there is one kryptonite dart theat negates Fed QE actually guarantees a form of deflation and I can almost affirm with certainty that the growing supply will spill over soon for the likes of yu and your's copper jacketed lead and it drops anything on impact.

Mon, 07/16/2012 - 20:18 | 2622326 MeelionDollerBogus
MeelionDollerBogus's picture

World class robbery service? The poor are robbed from foodstampd by JP Morgan. MF Global customers are robbed by JP Morgan. Big bonuses will follow the biggest trading losers of the CIO and JP Morgan while shareholders suffer the losses.

That's world-class service?

JP Morgan is the mafia and so is the Morgan clientel.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:09 | 2614305 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture


Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:19 | 2614345 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

So they do give a flying fuck?

Sat, 07/14/2012 - 12:19 | 2615772 AmericanFUPAcabra
AmericanFUPAcabra's picture

WB7 Sir, May i put in a request for an idea from the other thread. Bernanke's head on the Fonz, thumbing himself up. all hail Bondzi. Tap the machine just right and it starts printing! HEYYYYY

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:43 | 2614203 rcintc
rcintc's picture

From overdraft know, the little people

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:14 | 2614326 unwashedmass
unwashedmass's picture


nah, i think its going to be from absolute destroying the silver market with the help of the CTFC, and then buying up all the silver companies they've purposely bankrupted, then.......after replacing the "borrowed" metal at pennies on the dollar.....jacking the silver price to the moon. 



Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:17 | 2614336 Doubleguns
Doubleguns's picture

Nice to see I am not alone in my fears.  Posted same time above.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:46 | 2614456 OmigoshAmethyst
OmigoshAmethyst's picture

I can second this, my account with Chase (jp morgan) Mysteriously overdrafted a few days ago! It's time for me to move to a new banking company -_- ... $15 down the drain over what was said to be a .50 overdraft on my account.. .wth


Fri, 07/13/2012 - 18:03 | 2614657 Bob
Bob's picture

For chrissakes, move your account to a local institution where you can deal with real human beings. 

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:44 | 2614209 bob_dabolina
bob_dabolina's picture

Eitherway, see if you can guess which one the tax payer is:

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:37 | 2614406 gold-is-not-dead
gold-is-not-dead's picture

it's obvious, the inner spoon... :)

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:47 | 2614218 LouisDega
LouisDega's picture

Hmmm.. eliminating free cookie at local branches?

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:50 | 2614229 t_kAyk
t_kAyk's picture

All your free pens are belong to us!! 

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:51 | 2614240 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

I guess I'm not getting a free spiderman towel any time soon.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:53 | 2614250 Poetic injustice
Poetic injustice's picture

Or eliminating free coke for managers? Nah, not gonna happen.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:47 | 2614219 TooBearish
TooBearish's picture

Take the shortfall from loan loss filled

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:53 | 2614252 Tyler Durden
Tyler Durden's picture

Nope. Loan Loss Reserves are now back to December 2008 levels, or just after Lehman failed. At this point releasing any more "losses" is virtually impossible unless the US economy is growing at 4%.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:09 | 2614307 I Am The Unknow...
I Am The Unknown Comic's picture

Thanks Tyler, I think I'm going to print that chart out and put it on my refrigerator.  My goodness look at the trendline...

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:14 | 2614328 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

"We're going to need a bigger whale!" - Jamie "I'll Rape My Mom for a Naked CDS" Dimon

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:28 | 2614377 I Am The Unknow...
I Am The Unknown Comic's picture

Yep!  What will they think of next!?!?

This is going to be fun to watch as the statutes of limitations (which varies state by state) has begun to run out for them on collection of defaulted consumer credit.  The earliest, I think, is Washington DC at 3 years.  So for example if somebody in DC hasn't made a credit card payment since Sept 2008, JPM Chase has long ago lost the ability to collect in court.  As more people drop off the extended unemployment benefits, default on their credit cards, and more time passes, I look forward to watching nonperforming loans at JPM Chase increase as they struggle to maintain loan loss reserves, especially now with the CIO desk gone.  Deleveraging here we come!  Unless, of course, Dr. Dick Head, they do indeed come up with a bigger whale. I wonder what it will be....NIRP for all???

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:35 | 2614405 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

Bring on the inflationary collapse.  I sometimes call the Cleveland Federal Reserve Bank and ask for the discount window.  The call goes like this -

Me - Discount window operations please.

Fed - One moment.

Fed - Hello this is Maggie!

Me - Yeah Hi Maggies.  I just shit into a nice two-ply plastic bag and was wondering if the discount window is still open for collateral.  I was hoping to securitize this, toss that security into either a pension fund or muni bond, take those funds to buy some negative yield bonds, and keep the profit.


Me - hello?  hello?  You did it for Jamie Dimon.

Fed - Sir, please stop calling.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:50 | 2614472 Totentänzerlied
Totentänzerlied's picture

"I sometimes call the Cleveland Federal Reserve Bank and ask for the discount window."


Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:54 | 2614496 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture


Fri, 07/13/2012 - 18:06 | 2614667 Bob
Bob's picture


Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:15 | 2614330 Omen IV
Omen IV's picture

that's not the half of it - loan loss reserves are $24 billion - the equity is $130 billion and the second mortgage portfolio (performing?) is over $85 Billion (not yet written down) - if the seconds are performing because they are paying interest only - for each $100,000 at 1% would be roughly $100.00 per month for the average home owner - not hard to do with a job for now - but the collateral "was" underwater 3 years ago by at least 40-50% or more of the portfolio - and probably much higher - then the $100.00 ability to pay per month - controls the wipe out of the equity in substantial part and the operations side of the Bank is the only generator of profits for how long?

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 22:51 | 2615121 Cosimo de Medici
Cosimo de Medici's picture

Oh ye of little faith!

The level of loan loss reserves is immaterial, as having even one dollar is completely unnecessary for a Certified TBTF.  Losses?  Those are for the little people.  Sure, Dimon faced a hiccup in the London office, but those Limeys don't appreciate how essential immunity from loss is for TBTFs, which is why their economy is in the crapper, by the way.  And look who takes the fall for that loss...a trio of foreigners, one of whom is actually a Greek.  That says about all that is necessary.  A Greek.  Nobody's going to shed a tear for that.

Thus, JPM has another pile set aside for rainy days that cannot possibly come, a pile that can be used to smooth earnings for as long as any HFT bot or benchmarked fund manager cares to pay attention.  And when those run out?  Mergers and acquisitions, baby!  Jamie is thinking of buying Dexia, maybe BBVA....and then there's all that flotsam and jetsam in Ireland and Greece.  The possibilities are endless.

And at some future debt, when all the fat has been rendered and the bonuses accrued in vested stock, Jamie goes all public service, maybe at Treasury, a move that would allow him to cash out his bonus haul without the irritant of taxes.

When the glass is always half full, the drinks are on the house....or rather, all our houses.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 23:16 | 2615157 FreedomGuy
FreedomGuy's picture

I always say that the true test of expertise is not explaining the past but accurately predicting the future...especially more than once. My hat is off to you for more accurately estimating the true losses. Wel done.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:49 | 2614225 Agent P
Agent P's picture

My guess is the CIO function will continue to reside somewhere else within the bank under a different name for that very reason.  You never kill the golden goose, you just call it a duck.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:49 | 2614230 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

My guess is the kids aren't getting a lolly pop  at the drive though.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:52 | 2614246 t_kAyk
t_kAyk's picture

... and no biscuit for Fido

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:05 | 2614298 Agent P
Agent P's picture

I can pull up to the ATM on a Sunday and my kids start asking me if they can have a lollypop...they're like Pavlov's dog when they see the bank.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:21 | 2614356 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Suckers... hmmm...

Sat, 07/14/2012 - 12:52 | 2615872 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

Ever notice how banks only give out dum-dum suckers to clients?

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:51 | 2614236 Debtless
Debtless's picture

From me. And you. And from the guy above me. From the guy below me. And below him. And above them. And so on. And so on. And so on.

Fucking criminals.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:43 | 2614361 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

You're very clever young man, but it's no use, it's muppets, all the way down...

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:53 | 2614253 Marginal Call
Marginal Call's picture

They'll just need to come up with a new internal group and start over while maintaining the original CIO group operating in a conservative fashion. 

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:55 | 2614256 Aunty Christ
Aunty Christ's picture

between 20% and 30% of profits based on fictious marks?

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:56 | 2614258 LeBalance
LeBalance's picture

a question that I have is how much of the CIO share and how much of JPM's total income is just a scam?  what if (like the BLS and DJ, etc) their numbers are just part of the silver screen of illusion?

what if it is "too imprortant not to be entralled by the Matrix?"

we know the carmakers numbers are cooked.

china's numbers are cooked.

why do we look at the "masters" (my name is masters, blythe masters) as being any different?

To the contrary, as I got closer and closer to association with the City (London/Vatican/etc) I would exhibit heightened "raise eyebrow" (not logical, Captain) stance and BS sniffer on maximum.

so per the question of "where is JPM" (or any TBTF) going to come up with performance?"

same place the dollar comes from.

same place.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:26 | 2614371 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

I live in this head space you describe. I take it for granted. I wonder why I don't go mad? How are you doing with it? 

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:46 | 2614434 LeBalance
LeBalance's picture

I do not wish to walk into their "reduced degree of freedom" piece of paper future.  So I am trying to find my own.  First step is noticing that everything is bullshit.  Every last item was created from MIC research, so the vibrancy of this place's experience is non-existent.  This is such a weak zone and therefore we are the merest shadow of what we could be.  Maybe this is so the "crib" area, but I aspire to something else.  Not ready for it yet or I would not be here, but I aspire.  /lol/

i recommend as a paper reality destroyer.  It destroys Max and Stacy and by association others.

plus i do not grasp at anything as real.  nothing is solid.

it is not madness, it is gladness.

explore the vibrancy within.  I recommend meditation.  TM is nice.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:47 | 2614460 Cheesy Bastard
Cheesy Bastard's picture

We are on the same path, my friend.  I am trying to reduce my dependency on technology, and do many more things by hand, such as split wood and till soil.  One part of my mindset, though, is to have any nagging injuries or minor surgeries tended to now, while I can.  If I am laid up for a few days, certainly a little zerohedge couldn't hurt, could it?

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 18:56 | 2614769 Pi'd Piper
Pi'd Piper's picture

I come from a place where a large portion of the population (10-15%) practice TM. Many of the people who practice it exhibit signs of mental illness. I've met a woman who 'Has conversations with aliens." She does not call them "extraterrestrials" she calls them "Otherterrestrials." One of my friend's mother screams in her sleep. Every night. I've heard her. My sister knows a woman who is "allergic to electricity"- yet when she goes to wal-mart she uses the electric scooters. The german government, the vatican, the cult awareness network among other professional organizations have put out warnings about practicing meditation. To quote from an article "a study by Germany's Institute for Youth and Society found that 76% of long-term meditators experience psychological problems.  They noted that 26% had nervous breakdowns, 63% experienced serious physical complaints, and 70% reported a worsening ability to concentrate.  There have been ten independent studies which have validated the adverse effect of long-term TM practices which provide additional confirmation to these conclusions."

My Step-Father's church did some research at a local mental institution and found that a majority of the people that were imported from other towns came from my hometown.


It isn't madness, but it may lead to it.

Sat, 07/14/2012 - 00:05 | 2615206 Iwanttoknow
Iwanttoknow's picture

Beg to differ.There is a lot of material showing benefits of meditations.Your evidence is anecdotal.

Sat, 07/14/2012 - 05:15 | 2615354 Escapeclaws
Escapeclaws's picture

I looked at that site and I'm not convinced because many of the people he claims to be the same person in different guises look alike, but there is no way to tell if they are identical. In many cases the ressemblance is not so obvious. He also makes the claim that Obama is in fact Osama bin Laden. (Switching the letters b and s--bs) Intriguing, but far from likely. Two possibilities: I may be the one who lacks the discernment to tell if it is the same person in a different guise or he may be overrating his own ability to discern the same thing.  Some of his catches, for minor unknown actors working for the Weiss agency do fit his hypothesis, but others--particularly famous people, are problematic. I did like his debunking of the Disclosure Project. This site does make you wonder how extensive the Matrix is.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:45 | 2614453 Sweet Chicken
Sweet Chicken's picture

Leffe blonde :)

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:58 | 2614270 Meesohaawnee
Meesohaawnee's picture

same thing was said obout QE... you just rebrand it and call it Operation Twist.Same looting, Same result. BTW thats where the 25 will come from since its the greatest wealth transformation mechanism from the middle class to the wealthy... is there a question?

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:58 | 2614274 Apocalicious
Apocalicious's picture

Gone? Just wait next quarter for the profits from the flow desk, or no, that's too obvious, financial strategies desk, wait, scratch that. Just wait until next quarter's large unexplainable profit center emerges that wasn't there previously.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:59 | 2614275 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

Easy, VAPORIZATION of customer accounts.  

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:02 | 2614286 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

Corzine em....there, done.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:27 | 2614370 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

I think vaporizatiin contributes to cash flow not to the bottom-line. But I guess It depends on the accounting rules on that particular day.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:47 | 2614462 LeBalance
LeBalance's picture

.....rules? /hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha/

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 15:59 | 2614276 El Oregonian
El Oregonian's picture

Doesn't he have one of those Fed printing presses down in the basement?

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:01 | 2614284 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

Jamie will have to sell his golden toilet he bought from Thaine

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:02 | 2614287 Hannibal
Hannibal's picture

"Where will JPM's 25% net income come from?" usual, steal it!

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:03 | 2614292 jonan
jonan's picture

good laughs if you read the average VaR line...

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:08 | 2614303 Cheesy Bastard
Cheesy Bastard's picture

Jamie, here is how to solve your quandry.  Start here:  "I have committed fraud.  For this I feel constant and intense guilt.  I am very remorseful that my greatest transgressions have been to my fellow man..." 

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:27 | 2614375 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Cheesy, we gotta offer to help with the gun too...

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:42 | 2614435 Cheesy Bastard
Cheesy Bastard's picture

Yes Ms.  There will be no shortage of volunteers in that department, I think.  No leaky hoses from the tailpipe to the Chrysler for him.  Jamie doesn't know the meaning of the word failure.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 23:44 | 2615182 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

Funny thing is that I get shaken down for $135 for dark window tinting and lack of front plate in the name of the state serving and protecting, yet JP "Cock gobbler" Dimon takes billions in the name of theft.  Welcome to ORwell's threesome of cum guzzling whores.  He could never have had an organism of what today's bizarro world is.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:12 | 2614313 slackrabbit
slackrabbit's picture

And in the the news tonight: In Londons SOHO a silver haired banker was pulling tricks to meet capitial requirements and ensure quarterly earnings ...

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:17 | 2614337 Jena
Jena's picture

25 cents at a time...

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:25 | 2614366 Swarmee
Swarmee's picture

Hah! The true 'whale trade': You can sleep with 16 billion pretty women for $0.25 each, or one massively fat ugly woman for $4 billion!



Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:29 | 2614380 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Funny as a bankster in jail!! ++++

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:12 | 2614320 yrad
yrad's picture

They will fill the hole with more, different, better fraud! duh

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:12 | 2614322 vas deferens
vas deferens's picture


JPM's "Code or Conduct"                  

Our integrity and reputation depend on our ability to do the right thing, even when it’s not the easy thing. The Code of Conduct is a collection of rules and policy statements intended to assist employees and directors in making decisions about their conduct in relation to the firm's business. The Code is based on our fundamental understanding that no one at JPMorgan Chase should ever sacrifice integrity -- or give the impression that they have -- even if they think it would help the firm's business.





Fri, 07/13/2012 - 18:16 | 2614694 smiler03
smiler03's picture

+100 Excellent!

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:14 | 2614325 CustomersMan
CustomersMan's picture


What if there are NO Profit Centers at all at JP Morgue?


Suppose all the paper work and filings are just for show, to cover an outright gift from the FED each Quarter, they would need to generate some fictitious trades and business activity to give the world the idea that it came from activity, when in fact it was just a "Digital Gift" from the FED.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:30 | 2614389 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

I'll bite, I have sort of wondered this myself. If this were the case, why would they have to announce bad trades in the first place?

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:14 | 2614327 EndGamed
EndGamed's picture



Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:16 | 2614331 Sutton
Sutton's picture

Just steal from  segregated commodity accounts.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:25 | 2614357 falak pema
falak pema's picture

JPM has lost its magic derivative wand!

How the king of derivative hubris ends up as the emperor's vizir without the power to manipulate; next step the gallows. If you can't deliver you lose your head, my vizir! Thats the rule of power! 

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:23 | 2614362 El
El's picture

Oh, I'm sure they have their next scam all lined up.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:25 | 2614368 same old story
same old story's picture

Jamie, Blythe, etc don't give a fuck what we say and post about them.  the reality is they are incredibly rich, and will probably spend this weekend as they do all the others wining and dining on the best that money can buy.  Some of the members of this club own and keep an entire team of polo ponies, have homes filled with masterpieces costing mega millions, fly private, and so on.  They think they deserve it, and in no way do they feel threatened that they will pay for it and or lose their lifestyle.  I think for that to happen most of them agree they would have to be kill someone and even then only is the person was equally connected and/or they were caught on tape with the smoking gun - although even this they might be able to make vanish

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:25 | 2614369 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

Obviously mr market isn't complaining about a blocking and tackling least today. Just as obviously mr market understood the importance of this area as a profit center and priced it in accordingly.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:31 | 2614391 falak pema
falak pema's picture

the king needs a new magicien; anybody, everybody has to come reassure the emperor he has his crown, his clothes, his orb and his crown jewels. The empire requires this homage to imperial power. Where are the levers of power, in this eleventh hour?


Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:34 | 2614403 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

They have done a stunning job of brainwashing us, I think. The levers of power cannot be readily seen but they are pulled and lifted constantly.

Sat, 07/14/2012 - 14:03 | 2616048 earleflorida
earleflorida's picture

hmmm... the eleventh hour?

something about that number eleven that gives me chills,...

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:39 | 2614420 catch edge ghost
catch edge ghost's picture


Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:39 | 2614424 CVfriendship
CVfriendship's picture

So when do they do round two of M&A like in 08-09 so they can "add significant synergies that will go straight to our bottom line"...aka the reality show appearance fees they'll charge once Lloyd B and Jamie D have to share an office.....It's fulll proof!!! Seaside Heights has never been so profitable...why not the banks?!

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:44 | 2614445 sitenine
sitenine's picture

Never underestimate the power of fraud.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:45 | 2614452 MedicalQuack
MedicalQuack's picture

Now their One Equity Partner division which I beleive absorbed some of the CIO folks is out investing in healthcare, a technology that competes with Nuance for speech recogntion and put out over a billion to take it private, deal is not finished yet of course and there's list of attorneys checking it out.

Unlike Allscripts fiasco a short while back I think they have all their integration code written.  It's taking longer these days as it gets more complex out there. 


Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:50 | 2614473 BillVille
BillVille's picture

The governemnt...They get to manage all these new welfare EBT Visa cards Our Asshead president just implemented:

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:52 | 2614484 earleflorida
earleflorida's picture

The Federal Reserve System and the reservations of Sir Jamie Dimon thy noble gatekeeper: "Socialism is nothing but the capitalism of the lower classes."  Quote:Entscheidung (The Hour of Decision,1933) pt.1

now, as an humanistic jamie dimon: "All decent people live beyond their incomes nowadays, and those who aren't respectable live beyond other peoples'. A few gifted individuals manage to do both" Quote- Chronicles of Clovis (1911) 'The Match Maker'

Ps.  Sooner, rather than later, the TBTF's will single handedly repeal the [Gramm-Leach-Bliley] "GLB-Financial Service Modernization Act of 1999",... for their own survival. JMO

love the post Tyler







Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:52 | 2614491 Totentänzerlied
Totentänzerlied's picture

Silver shorts!

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 16:58 | 2614509 MsCreant
Fri, 07/13/2012 - 17:02 | 2614514 TahoeBilly2012
TahoeBilly2012's picture

How do you delete you comment?

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 17:07 | 2614537 akak
akak's picture

There is no deletion possible.

ZH comments, like herpes, are forever.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 17:16 | 2614568 DarthVaderMentor
DarthVaderMentor's picture

Go in and update the text to something meaningless, like JPM's accounting books.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 17:08 | 2614540 TahoeBilly2012
TahoeBilly2012's picture

Why has no one made a movie where they show a crazy sorcerer type feeding on live babies with a cadre of mutant assistants bringing in real time news and data where the sorcerer screams things like "short 1 billion ounces of silver.....NOW, before I throw you into down the bottomless pit of doom..." (takes bite out of live baby, not real of course) then continues on running his madman show. I think it would hilariously funny. It would need some seriously gory graphics and some real perversion to be super funny....

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 17:15 | 2614562 DarthVaderMentor
DarthVaderMentor's picture

More important, what's left that he can cook the numbers and hide the losses to fool investors with?

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 17:21 | 2614575 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

You mean fool all of us that the system is actually up and working?

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 18:28 | 2614714 world_debt_slave
world_debt_slave's picture

uh, the US taxslave?

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 19:50 | 2614865 Tunga
Tunga's picture

A Transitory Profit Center in every pot. 

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 20:50 | 2614939 blindman
blindman's picture

you had to ask...
Tom Waits - Rockpalast 1977 05 Pasties And A G String
more of the same.

Fri, 07/13/2012 - 22:22 | 2615072 Imminent Collapse
Imminent Collapse's picture

This too shall pass

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