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JPM Crashing After It Convenes Emergency Call To Advise Of "Significant Mark-To-Market" Losses In Bruno Iksil/CIO Group

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Out of nowehere, JPM announced 40 minutes ago that it would hold an unscheduled 5pm call to coincide with the release of its 10-Q. Rumors were swirling as to why. The reason is as follows:

  • JPMORGAN SAYS CIO UNIT HAS SIGNIFICANT MARK-TO-MARKET LOSSES - "Fortress balance sheet" at least until Bruno Iskil gets done with it.
  • JPMORGAN SAYS LOSSES ARE IN SYNTHETIC CREDIT PORTFOLIO - but, but, net is NEVER, EVER Gross.
  • JPM WOULD NEED $971M ADDED COLLATERAL IF RATINGS CUT ONE-NOTCH
  • JPM WOULD NEED $1.7B ADDED COLLATERAL IF RATINGS CUT 2 NOTCHES - how about three notches?
  • JPMORGAN: MAY HOLD SOME SYNTHETIC CREDIT POSITIONS LONG TERM - "Level 3 CDS FTW"
  • "As of March 31, 2012, the value of CIO's total AFS securities portfolio exceeded its cost by approximately $8 billion"

As a reminder, the CIO unit is where Bruno Iksil was making $200 billion-sized bets. Basically JPM has suffered massive losses at its CIO group most likely due to its IG/HY positions held by Iksil.

In Corporate, within the Corporate/Private Equity segment, net income (excluding Private Equity results and litigation expense) for the second quarter is currently estimated to be a loss of approximately $800 million. (Prior guidance for Corporate quarterly net income (excluding Private Equity results, litigation expense and nonrecurring significant items) was approximately $200 million.) Actual second quarter results could be substantially different from the current estimate and will depend on market levels and portfolio actions related to investments held by the Chief Investment Office (CIO), as well as other activities in Corporate during the remainder of the quarter.

 

Since March 31, 2012, CIO has had significant mark-to-market losses in its synthetic credit portfolio, and this portfolio has proven to be riskier, more volatile and less effective as an economic hedge than the Firm previously believed. The losses in CIO's synthetic credit portfolio have been partially offset by realized gains from sales, predominantly of credit-related positions, in CIO's AFS securities portfolio. As of March 31, 2012, the value of CIO's total AFS securities portfolio exceeded its cost by approximately $8 billion. Since then, this portfolio (inclusive of the realized gains in the second quarter to date) has appreciated in value.

 

The Firm is currently repositioning CIO's synthetic credit portfolio, which it is doing in conjunction with its assessment of the Firm's overall credit exposure. As this repositioning is being effected in a manner designed to maximize economic value, CIO may hold certain of its current synthetic credit positions for the longer term.

 

Accordingly, net income in Corporate likely will be more volatile in future periods than it has been in the past.

 

The Firm faces a variety of exposures resulting from repurchase demands and litigation arising out of its various roles as issuer and/or underwriter of mortgage-backed securities (“MBS”) offerings in private-label securitizations. It is possible that these matters will take a number of years to resolve and their ultimate resolution is currently uncertain. Reserves for such matters may need to be increased in the future; however, with the additional litigation reserves taken in the first quarter of 2012, absent any materially adverse developments that could change management’s current views, JPMorgan Chase does not currently anticipate further material additions to its litigation reserves for mortgage-backed securities-related matters over the remainder of the year.

All of this is coming form the just filed 10-Q. The full link is here. 

Call dial in: (866) 541-2724 in the U.S. and Canada; (706) 634-7246 for international.

Stock now down 5% after hours dragging down ES 7 points with it.

Some segments from the 10-Q as we peruse it:

  • A one-notch downgrade in the Firm’s internal risk ratings for its entire wholesale loan portfolio could imply an increase in the Firm’s modeled loss estimates of approximately $2.0 billion.

 

and just for some clarity on how this occurred. We know the poisitions that Iksil held were in IG9 (more likely to be tranches) but this $2bn loss comes from a tiny 12bps decompression in the index - which means the DV01 must be huge...(as we already knew given the massive rise in net notional that we warned about)...

 

This is the Investment Grade credit index series 9 - which is the most active tranche-related index and was the index that Iksil had driven massively rich to its fair-value...

Chart: Bloomberg

 

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Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:52 | 2414599 doomandbloom
doomandbloom's picture

its a buy....

 

they are getting rid of their losses...who really marks to market anyways?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:54 | 2414624 ihedgemyhedges
ihedgemyhedges's picture

Maybe they should hire Goldman Sachs to run their chief investment office............................then they too can be a muppet.................

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:55 | 2414631 Rahm
Rahm's picture

I just had an orgasm.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:58 | 2414640 SilverIsKing
SilverIsKing's picture

Stress test bitchez!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:01 | 2414655 slewie-the-pi-rat
slewie-the-pi-rat's picture

link to the conference call

 

registration required

 

http://investor.shareholder.com/jpmorganchase/eventdetail.cfm?eventid=11...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:06 | 2414676 Aziz
Aziz's picture

I'm surprised nobody has posted a video of Nelson Muntz yet...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:08 | 2414682 slewie-the-pi-rat
slewie-the-pi-rat's picture

this link should work for direct access to the conference

 

http://bit.ly/KTDygZ (windows media player)

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:09 | 2414692 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture

 

 

This will trigger a bunch of well-deserved bonuses.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:12 | 2414714 Pladizow
Pladizow's picture

Could'nt have happened to a nicer company!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:17 | 2414740 tocointhephrase
tocointhephrase's picture

Do beef & onion crisps compensate for popcorn?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:18 | 2414747 Dr Benway
Dr Benway's picture

Wow this is spooky... ZH called this one too well, lol!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:20 | 2414748 connel20
connel20's picture

Get your popcorn ready....this party is just getting started!!!!!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:28 | 2414792 CClarity
CClarity's picture

As JPM and the other US TBTFs get smacked, who/what will "save" the European banks tomorrow morning.  Smack down gonna be UGLY.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:38 | 2414839 Rahm
Rahm's picture

JPM has repeatedly stole money from other companies (too numerous to list), me thinks they have a recurring liquidy problem.  Sure smells that way.  Who will get corzined next?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:49 | 2414906 Vampyroteuthis ...
Vampyroteuthis infernalis's picture

The morgue may just be heading to exactly that place!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:11 | 2415030 FlyoverCountryS...
FlyoverCountrySchmuck's picture

What are ya'll sweatin' about?

Dimon is a buddy of OBAMA. So was Corzine. The printing presses will just fire up again, and U.S. Media won't DARE to call it QE3, if they even report it, at all.

We can't endanger the Messiah's reelection in ANY way, doncha know.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:17 | 2415354 jerry_theking_lawler
jerry_theking_lawler's picture

MF Global went under....

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:41 | 2415668 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

To save Morgan. The 'Zini was brought in for the hit. 

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:30 | 2414795 lemonobrien
lemonobrien's picture

maybe this is why they hits golds and silvers.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:41 | 2414856 AL_SWEARENGEN
AL_SWEARENGEN's picture

Ha! You think these cocksuckers need a reason??

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:13 | 2415045 Comay Mierda
Comay Mierda's picture

should have seen the weekly JPM put volume going into close, prob Dimon buying, he just got his bonus.  those puts prob be up 500%+ tomorrow. he's laughing all the way to the bank.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:39 | 2414850 XitSam
XitSam's picture

Dimon in Congressional testimony a month from now: "I don't have access to the records since I haven't been in the office. I was too busy arranging a sale of company assets to track small transactions of $100 or 200 billion. I did not think or intend that my instructions to transfer any customer money would be taken literally. The customer accounts vaporized. Don't hate me because I'm rich." 

 

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 19:41 | 2418994 Rahm
Rahm's picture

Dimon in Congressional testimony a month from now: "I plead da fif."

Fixed it for you.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:01 | 2414742 fuu
fuu's picture

Even if you are the wrong ass slewie, good link.

 

"we are not going to call another call every time the number moves half a billion dollars."

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 23:36 | 2416169 slewie the pi-rat
slewie the pi-rat's picture

no clonie baloney?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:05 | 2414679 Manthong
Manthong's picture

Pretty long red candles on the spx.

Is this a formal event? 

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:25 | 2414773 economessed
economessed's picture

Long, red melty candles?  Were you looking for me? 

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:59 | 2414641 bdc63
bdc63's picture

I feel like I just won the lottery ...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:16 | 2414730 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture

 

 

Doing God's Work sometimes comes out underpar for the coarse.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 00:35 | 2416251 mt paul
mt paul's picture

god

is unemployed ....

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:14 | 2414723 IMA5U
IMA5U's picture

gross

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:39 | 2415164 azzhatter
azzhatter's picture

did you hit jamie in the face with the spooie?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:14 | 2415338 sunaJ
sunaJ's picture

Of course, we know this is indeed not an "emergency" meeting.  Emergency meetings would have been years ago.  This call is Damage Control, right up to the 5pm timing.  JPMorgan is going Print or BUST!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:13 | 2414719 johngaltfla
johngaltfla's picture

Hey look everyone:

FAZ is fun again!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:16 | 2414734 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture

 

 

WTF?   Mark-To-Market still exists?   WTF.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:27 | 2414783 CrashisOptimistic
CrashisOptimistic's picture

Yes, it does.  And worse:

"Basically JPM has suffered massive losses at its CIO group most likely due to its IG/HY positions held by Iksil."

Or perhaps Greek sovereign swaps?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:38 | 2414830 johngaltfla
johngaltfla's picture

Dear Santa Bernank,

All I want is a FAZ and DZZ double for Christmas.

Preferably by August so I can commit to a long vacation in the islands.

Thank you,

John

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:45 | 2414881 ouchtouch
ouchtouch's picture

I had to go into my account to check how much FAZ I bought last month -- LOTS!!!  WEEEE!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:14 | 2415043 johngaltfla
johngaltfla's picture

It's been the best. Got out again at 51, got in at 21.17.  Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Double

Bitchez.

 

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:50 | 2414903 NumberNone
NumberNone's picture

Mark-to-Market on synthetic credit portfolio nonetheless.  Synthetic being no actual assets being held.  Someone really fucked up a bet.  There is more to this story.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:19 | 2414750 HedgeAccordingly
HedgeAccordingly's picture

RASPUTEN I TELL YOU - http://hedge.ly/gFWVSm 

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:13 | 2415540 Buck Johnson
Buck Johnson's picture

From that chart, it must be much much more than 2 billion dollars in loses.  I would say it could be 80 billion if not more.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:54 | 2414604 Boilermaker
Boilermaker's picture

Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue!

I only know one thing at this point.  REIT equity is the only financial instrument to never ever EVER go down.  Somehow this is bullish.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:58 | 2414639 Cdad
Cdad's picture

Brother Boiler,

Ummmm.....its the banks that hold all that REIT equity.  I think you just got your catalyst to sell all of those over-priced animals.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:27 | 2414657 Boilermaker
Boilermaker's picture

IYR barely budging AH.

JPM - 5% , IYR -0.6%

I don't get it anymore.

UPDATE:  IYR improving and about to post AH gains. Just to make it completely retarded.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:05 | 2414680 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

Yep Cdad, this is another 'signal' they put out to tell those in the know to GTFO.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:44 | 2414752 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture

 

 

JP Morgan himself must be rolling over in this grave loss.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:07 | 2414681 johngaltfla
johngaltfla's picture

Everything is bullish until it isn't. At some point the Fed loses unless they double down. So far, the Fed hasn't decided who they want to be POTUS.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:12 | 2414706 WonderDawg
WonderDawg's picture

Does it matter? POTUS jus be takin' orders, he don't be makin' 'potant decisions.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:16 | 2414736 johngaltfla
johngaltfla's picture

OH YES it matters...because they want someone in charge that won't prosecute.

Nevermind, neither clown will, back to the coin flip.

And FAZ was a STEAL at $21....I'm just sayin'....

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:44 | 2414872 WonderDawg
WonderDawg's picture

I guess you didn't understand the ebonics. POTUS doesn't make any major decisions, he only takes orders. POTUS isn't IN CHARGE of anything that they don't LET him be in charge of. POTUS is a figurehead, a frontman, nothing more. Prosecution isn't even in the vocabulary.

Prosecute. I'm still laughing.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:45 | 2414862 Problem Is
Problem Is's picture

Just Call Bullshit Barry... Randy

Obama Bin Lyin' aka Barry Soetoro, the Useful Idiot Front man, Wall Street puppet, corporate owned douche hole, Teleprompter-n-cheif only has one decision per day...

Which cheeseburger joint for lunch...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:30 | 2415393 johngaltfla
johngaltfla's picture

But, but, but, Obromney will do such a good job prosecuting his old hedge fund buddies.

 

Er, sorry, even sarcasm like that might be too much for everyone tonight.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:48 | 2414891 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Relax, JP-Morgan is short.  They are front-running themselves and all their own shorts will pay big time.  Yes the fraud is now that blatant.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:55 | 2414939 giovanni_f
giovanni_f's picture

I had the same thought. In the good for nothing hearings soon to ensue JPM will come up with a new term, "autohedge", e.g., and that will do the trick.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:53 | 2414608 Burr's 2nd Shot
Burr's 2nd Shot's picture

Never saw it coming...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:13 | 2414708 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture

 

 

Black swan?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:20 | 2414759 Burr's 2nd Shot
Burr's 2nd Shot's picture

More like a narwhal, I think.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:31 | 2414801 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

Shit Hawk.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:52 | 2414609 Divided States ...
Divided States of America's picture

But it passed the Bank Stress Test with flying colors? How could this be??

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:47 | 2414884 FinalCollapse
FinalCollapse's picture

Just like Dexia and Bankia. Don't you like these names. Like Levitra.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:09 | 2414610 ihedgemyhedges
ihedgemyhedges's picture

Now you know why the market sold off this afternoon...................nothing some Depends wouldn't fix...............

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:54 | 2414614 navy62802
navy62802's picture

Uh oh.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:54 | 2414616 bania
bania's picture

Sell silver save JP Morgan!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:55 | 2414627 Transformer
Transformer's picture

Harvey's commentary last night talked about this sort of thing.   Actually it was that imperious wit, Jim Willie, who had the most to say about it.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:57 | 2414633 jamezelle
jamezelle's picture

hahahaha

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:24 | 2414770 fuu
fuu's picture

<slow motion golf clap>

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:53 | 2415238 xela2200
xela2200's picture

Today we got Shanghai new silver contract and now this. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:55 | 2414617 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

 

Dimon has hit into the rough?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:08 | 2414686 kahunabear
kahunabear's picture

So, this may hurt his second coming status?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:15 | 2414728 bdc63
bdc63's picture

Genuflect when you say that ...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:10 | 2414694 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture

 

 

Nice.  "A Dimon in the Rough"

I hope WB7 is ginnin' up sumpin' tasty over dis.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:53 | 2414619 Gringo Viejo
Gringo Viejo's picture

Sell some paper silver for a liquidity injection.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:27 | 2414787 tocointhephrase
tocointhephrase's picture

pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:53 | 2415242 xela2200
xela2200's picture

Do you mean cover shorts?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:53 | 2414621 Freebird
Freebird's picture

About time.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:55 | 2414622 Canadian Dirtlump
Canadian Dirtlump's picture

couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of satanic mongoloids.

Jamie Dimon will threaten to have people sleeping with the fish (and not the ones in blythe's pants) if anyone does anything untoward before the firm though.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:12 | 2414704 wandstrasse
wandstrasse's picture

fyi, Blythe wears silver shorts...

(credits magpie)

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:17 | 2414739 Canadian Dirtlump
Canadian Dirtlump's picture

yes for the antibacterial properties I expect since her ham wallet smells like an open grave.

 

 

p.s. that is a good one lmao.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:50 | 2414907 fajensen
fajensen's picture

gawd - all I can think of is an image of bigfoot getting sniped

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:55 | 2414625 billybobtx
billybobtx's picture

BULLISH FOR PUTS!!! First of the US Bankster dominoes to crash...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:55 | 2414628 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture

 

 

Cue CNBC Scramble...

We need Dick Bove in here pronto!...

We're workin' on it!  Somebody tee up makeup - and get us a wheelchair, some Ensure, a bib, and a spare bib.

 

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:02 | 2414664 bdc63
bdc63's picture

Wouldn't you just LOVE to know who got the phone call at 3pm and went mega-short JPM into the close ...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:55 | 2414632 Cdad
Cdad's picture

Well well...and with the VIX having f'n flash crashed exactly at the close today...I wonder how f'n mispriced that indicator is now, hmmmm?

Just great.  More manipulations!  More off balance sheet instruments!  More criminal bankers...one in every American household, in fact!  More 6 sigma currency moves!  More misallocation of capital!

And ALL IN THE NAME OF PRESERVING THIS BANKRUPT BANKING INDUSTRY AND ALL OF ITS BUDDIES IN CONGRESS!

Fuck me.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:07 | 2414683 HarryM
HarryM's picture

As I've already stated .. Cops looting the stores in broad daylight in front of the TV cameras and nobody gives a shit.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:18 | 2414696 HarryM
HarryM's picture

This could also be the snowball starting down the mountain

Every crash needs a trigger

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:56 | 2414635 Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture

They have 300 million in silver. Sell that and.... Oh... It's a collateral.... And spoken for....

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:15 | 2414651 CClarity
CClarity's picture

oops

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:48 | 2414894 FinalCollapse
FinalCollapse's picture

Grab money from MF Global! Oh wait...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:58 | 2414638 CClarity
CClarity's picture

Since when does any bank mark to market anymore?  Is Egan Jones threatening to use actual values in ratings decisions?  Fed will just ram through them unless . . . there is an intentional attempt to reduce medicated manipulation of the markets before the great sov. debt resets begin.

If you thought Lehman and '08 was disruptive, just wait til you see 2012 Sov. Debt stick save.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:59 | 2414642 lolmao500
lolmao500's picture

If mark-to-market was enforced, all the big banks in the western world would implode.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:11 | 2414671 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture

 

 

Immediate and absolute collapse.  And all that is is a change in accounting convention as to when reality is recognized.

The world as we know it sits just a few excel keystrokes away from financial obliteration.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:06 | 2414684 bdc63
bdc63's picture

TruFuckingDat

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:38 | 2415434 Zero Debt
Zero Debt's picture

Commencing MTM in -1, -2, -3, ...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 16:59 | 2414644 UncleBubba
UncleBubba's picture

I love how the markets first popped AH on the news of the conference call .  oops.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:00 | 2414650 youALREADYknow
youALREADYknow's picture

Quote from Blythe just one month ago: "We have offsetting positions. We have no stake in whether prices rise or decline. Rather we're running a flat or relatively flat matched book."

The halflife for lies being exposed is going down fast these days.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:29 | 2415119 resurger
resurger's picture

They have a "matched book" in Gold & Silver ....

Next Half of 2012, someone will "light the match"

 

Physical Bitchez

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:00 | 2414652 holdbuysell
holdbuysell's picture
"JPM Crashing After It Convenes Emergency Call To Advise Of "Significant Mark-To-Market" Losses"

I didn't realize there was still such a thing.

(SARC)

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:49 | 2414890 Al Huxley
Al Huxley's picture

I didn't think the FED marked-to-market, and I didn't think they could take losses.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:03 | 2414654 Azwethinkweiz
Azwethinkweiz's picture

We've all seen this before...but, let's watch it again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MRoF25gPAg

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:01 | 2414659 Diablo
Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:01 | 2414660 navy62802
navy62802's picture

Details slowly leaking. Losses of $4.2 Billion "reasonably possible."

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:36 | 2414820 CrashisOptimistic
CrashisOptimistic's picture

This has fucking Greek swaps written all over it.

Now ask yourself how much banks have in Spain.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 00:38 | 2416253 mt paul
mt paul's picture

lotz

much more than greece

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:02 | 2414661 truont
truont's picture

Jamie Dimon:

"What, me worry?

I'm TBTF."

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:02 | 2414667 Tsar Pointless
Tsar Pointless's picture

If this isn't bullish, then I truly don't know what in the hell is.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:02 | 2414668 PaperBear
PaperBear's picture

I am laughing and laughing and laughing so much that I nearly can't type.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:05 | 2414672 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

From March 31st to May 10th, Bruno Iksil was taking LSD and heroin at his trading desk.  

 

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:38 | 2414831 CrashisOptimistic
CrashisOptimistic's picture

Of course he was, and every day he watched the Greek PSI get closer and closer to his paper.

One would hope other banks are looking at their Spain swaps, that ISDA will declare null and void.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:06 | 2414675 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Time for the US government to seize JPM, eliminate all equity, and sell off the assets.  

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:09 | 2414700 Piranhanoia
Piranhanoia's picture

There are no assets, it's MOTU

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:37 | 2414826 greensnacks
greensnacks's picture

Teach them a Lehman lesson.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:30 | 2415618 Urban Roman
Urban Roman's picture

The assets they got from MFG?

How many times can they sell them before the muppets wise up and stop buying?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:06 | 2414677 Watts_D_Matter
Watts_D_Matter's picture

this stock is gonna impload!!!  what a huge loss!!!!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:06 | 2414678 bdc63
bdc63's picture

What!?  There are accounts that probably need to be "marked to market"?! ... who could have seen this coming ...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:39 | 2414848 resurger
resurger's picture

QE3 Tomorrow !!

PArty Party Party

The stock is down 6% after hours

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:47 | 2414885 bdc63
bdc63's picture

not tomorrow ... but if things spiral out of control and can't be contained by the Asian open Sunday evening, I imagine something will happen ...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:04 | 2414986 resurger
resurger's picture

Yes, there is something brewing ... Am so happy that those fuckers imploded

This is a small gift from god to all those MF-Global Victims, and more to come

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:08 | 2414685 Watts_D_Matter
Watts_D_Matter's picture

SHIT...Dimon just vaporized the MF money too... Cock sucker! 

 

This fucker is hiring Corzine as a consultant....Sharpen Pitchforks!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:17 | 2414733 jamezelle
jamezelle's picture

correction he 'corzined' the money

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:07 | 2414687 AcidRastaHead
AcidRastaHead's picture

What is the diameter of Bruno Iksil's fingers?  Just wondering if he has fat fingers.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:14 | 2414725 The Swedish Chef
The Swedish Chef's picture

I´d would up arrow you if you hadn´t felt the need to add that last sentece. You ruined quite a funny joke.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:07 | 2414688 azengrcat
azengrcat's picture

And.... It's gone

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:58 | 2414969 WoodMizer
WoodMizer's picture

It's the new fat cat dance, vaporization is sweeping the nation.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:08 | 2414691 max2205
max2205's picture

No problem We will hedge it. Waaaaa

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:10 | 2414695 Piranhanoia
Piranhanoia's picture

Let's hypothecate the re-rehypothecated amount, pre margin hypothecation and then guess at hypothecial CDS exposure.  Figure what, a margin call on about $45B?

we didn't start the fire.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:09 | 2414699 b_thunder
b_thunder's picture

Lehman/Fuld - Black Swan

JPM/Dimon - Black Swine

Fed should IMMEDIATELY approve another JPM dividend increase.  You know, b/c raising dividends implies better financial position of the company and when dividends increase the stock goes higher.  It  creates "wealth effect",  right?   Otherwise the market will implode tomorrow...  whcih can'tbe allowed to happen

 

 

 

 

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:10 | 2414702 Dealkiller
Dealkiller's picture

So that's what they used the MF Global cash for!!!

 

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:10 | 2414703 Chris88
Chris88's picture

  • Dimon: "Obviously we should have acted sooner."

  • Dimon is done speaking, will take a few questions.

  • Dimon calls the mistakes "egregious" and "self inflicted" and takes blame as top management. "We will admit, we will learn from it, we will fix it and move on."

  • Dimon calls the mistakes "egregious" and "self inflicted" and takes blame as top management. "We will admit, we will learn from it, we will fix it and move on."

    • 5:08 pm
    • self-inflicted mistakes
    • http://s.wsj.net/img/icon_comments_blogs.gif); background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; padding-left: 24px; border-bottom-width: initial !important; border-bottom-color: initial !important; border-image: initial; padding-top: 3px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 3px; display: inline-block; background-position: 0% 0%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; border: initial none initial;" href="http://blogs.wsj.com/deals/2012/05/10/j-p-morgan-to-host-surprise-confer...">Add a Comment

    "These were egregious mistakes, they were self-inflicted."- Dimon

  • Dimon says capital positions under Basel III, the all important future rules, will fall to 8.2% of risk-weighted capital from 8.4%.

    • 5:07 pm
    • fortress balance sheet
    • http://s.wsj.net/img/icon_comments_blogs.gif); background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; padding-left: 24px; border-bottom-width: initial !important; border-bottom-color: initial !important; border-image: initial; padding-top: 3px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 3px; display: inline-block; background-position: 0% 0%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; border: initial none initial;" href="http://blogs.wsj.com/deals/2012/05/10/j-p-morgan-to-host-surprise-confer...">Add a Comment

    Dimon says an incident like this is why you have a "fortress balance sheet." So that reference didn't take too long.

    • 5:07 pm
    • Volatile, risky
    • http://s.wsj.net/img/icon_comments_blogs.gif); background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; padding-left: 24px; border-bottom-width: initial !important; border-bottom-color: initial !important; border-image: initial; padding-top: 3px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 3px; display: inline-block; background-position: 0% 0%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; border: initial none initial;" href="http://blogs.wsj.com/deals/2012/05/10/j-p-morgan-to-host-surprise-confer...">Add a Comment

    Dimon says volatility will be high, will be risky for a couple of quarters.

  • Dimon warns the bank could be facing $1 billion in losses on this.

  • Dimon calls it "sloppy" says "all appropriate" measures will be taken.

    • 5:06 pm
    • Big Loss
    • http://s.wsj.net/img/icon_comments_blogs.gif); background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; padding-left: 24px; border-bottom-width: initial !important; border-bottom-color: initial !important; border-image: initial; padding-top: 3px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 3px; display: inline-block; background-position: 0% 0%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; border: initial none initial;" href="http://blogs.wsj.com/deals/2012/05/10/j-p-morgan-to-host-surprise-confer...">Add a Comment

    From Dimon: "$2 billion trading loss on synthetic credit position."

    Dimon calls trade: "flawed, complex, poorly reviewed."

  • Dimon says the strategy was "Flawed complex poorly reviewed poorly executed and poorly monitored."

  • J.P. Morgan has also decided that its "value-at-risk" model was inadequate and is going back to an older model.

  • J.P. Morgan is now forecasting an $800 million loss in the corporate segment in the second quarter.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:12 | 2414710 hellas4life
hellas4life's picture

previous zh articles on this

 

http://www.zerohedge.com/news/behind-iksil-trade-ig9-tranches-explained

 

http://www.zerohedge.com/news/footprints-whale

 

http://www.zerohedge.com/news/jpmorgans-whale-responsible-rising-equity-tide

 

http://www.zerohedge.com/news/why-jpms-chief-investment-office-worlds-largest-prop-trading-desk-fact-and-fiction

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:12 | 2414711 bdc63
bdc63's picture

I have an idea -- why don't they just sell the crap to the FED at par ... they'll buy fucking anything ...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:13 | 2414712 Rastamon
Rastamon's picture

but but but but JPM has NO prop desk trading

 

BLYTHE TOLD ME SO !!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:12 | 2414715 Watts_D_Matter
Watts_D_Matter's picture

Dimon you FUCKIN FUCK!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:14 | 2414716 zerotohero
zerotohero's picture

to be honest - I haven't a clue what half of you are saying.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:39 | 2415167 Seer
Seer's picture

What do you mean by that?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:14 | 2414717 Chris88
Chris88's picture

My aplologies for the formatting in my previous post, this should be easier on the eyes:

 

Dimon personally apologizes for meetings he had this week with analysts where he wasn't allowed to say anything.

 

5:10 pm$2 billion trade came in 2Qby Paul VignaAdd a Comment

Question: When did you catch it? When did you update regulators?

 

Dimon says there were "small" losses in the first quarter, and the $2 billion loss came in second quarter. "Obviously, that got our attention."

 

5:09 pmby David BenoitAdd a Comment

Dimon: "Obviously we should have acted sooner."

 

5:09 pmby David BenoitAdd a Comment

Dimon is done speaking, will take a few questions.

 

5:08 pmby David BenoitAdd a Comment

Dimon calls the mistakes "egregious" and "self inflicted" and takes blame as top management. "We will admit, we will learn from it, we will fix it and move on."

 

5:08 pmby David BenoitAdd a Comment

Dimon calls the mistakes "egregious" and "self inflicted" and takes blame as top management. "We will admit, we will learn from it, we will fix it and move on."

 

5:08 pmself-inflicted mistakesby Paul VignaAdd a Comment

"These were egregious mistakes, they were self-inflicted."- Dimon

 

5:08 pmby David BenoitAdd a Comment

Dimon says capital positions under Basel III, the all important future rules, will fall to 8.2% of risk-weighted capital from 8.4%.

 

5:07 pmfortress balance sheetby Paul VignaAdd a Comment

Dimon says an incident like this is why you have a "fortress balance sheet." So that reference didn't take too long.

 

5:07 pmVolatile, riskyby Paul VignaAdd a Comment

Dimon says volatility will be high, will be risky for a couple of quarters.

 

5:07 pmby David BenoitAdd a Comment

Dimon warns the bank could be facing $1 billion in losses on this.

 

5:06 pmby David BenoitAdd a Comment

Dimon calls it "sloppy" says "all appropriate" measures will be taken.

 

5:06 pmBig Lossby Paul VignaAdd a Comment

From Dimon: "$2 billion trading loss on synthetic credit position."

 

Dimon calls trade: "flawed, complex, poorly reviewed."

 

5:06 pmby David BenoitAdd a Comment

Dimon says the strategy was "Flawed complex poorly reviewed poorly executed and poorly monitored."

 

5:05 pmby David BenoitAdd a Comment

J.P. Morgan has also decided that its "value-at-risk" model was inadequate and is going back to an older model.

 

5:04 pmby David BenoitAdd a Comment

J.P. Morgan is now forecasting an $800 million loss in the corporate segment in the second quarter.

 

 

 

5:04 pmby David BenoitAdd a Comment

Jamie Dimon has begun speaking.

 

5:04 pmby David BenoitAdd a Comment

Another note from the 10Q, because of the CIO repositioning, "net income in Corporate likely will be more volatile in future periods than it has been in the past."

 

(Corporate for JPMorgan doesn't mean the whole corporation, just one of its few segments.)

 

 

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:24 | 2414764 billybobtx
billybobtx's picture

Edit it dimon! I mean dammit!

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 02:20 | 2416372 Mentaliusanything
Mentaliusanything's picture

But what Jamie did not say was......we are exposed,open and bleeding in a shark infested pond with no shore of safety at hand.

subsequently.. we are dead meat in a market that has no mercy. It will take a short time only for the proud name of JPM to disappear into the pages of history .

Vail JPM .... I fart in your general direction

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:14 | 2414718 TheAlchemist
TheAlchemist's picture

Dimon:  "The volatility this quarter and next could cost us a billion dollars or more, but we'll try to not let it be negative."

I'd love to see how he's going to try to pull that off.  There's only a few dollars between $0 and -$1,000,000,000, right?

If they play around enough they might be talking about real money...

 

<implied sarc tags>

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:50 | 2414914 Sabibaby
Sabibaby's picture

All I see are ones and zeros just move them around in different ways, it's all good.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:15 | 2414724 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Sympathy for the Devil.

Jamie Dimon priming Ben's QE3 pump.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:16 | 2414726 Gamma735
Gamma735's picture

It is not JPM's money anyway.  It was their clients' money, even if it was JPM's money.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:43 | 2415180 Seer
Seer's picture

Well, when they "earn" money it's Theirs (and they shouldn't have to pay taxes on it); when they "lose" money it's someone else's (clients', govts/taxpayers; AND, they get to write it off).

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:15 | 2414731 chump666
chump666's picture

rogue trade season.  

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:17 | 2414732 breakyoself
breakyoself's picture

Anybody think Ben can keep up tomorrow? Press that button and just hold it. LOL!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:28 | 2415614 fuu
fuu's picture

10 PRINT *

20 GOTO 10

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:18 | 2414737 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

BONUS TIME!!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:19 | 2414743 breakyoself
breakyoself's picture

CNBC: Where the hell is Dick Bove? Have him to free up his calendar for all day tomorrow. Actually, see if we can get him to be on KudBlow tonight.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:18 | 2414745 slewie-the-pi-rat
slewie-the-pi-rat's picture

 listen to these analysts suck up and toss soft BALLS

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:20 | 2414749 BLACK_DOG
BLACK_DOG's picture

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning"

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