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JPM Halts Share Repurchase Program

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Remember when Jamie Dimon showed the Fed who's boss and preannounced it was starting a share repurchase program? Turns out the Chairsatan will have the final laugh:

  • DIMON SAYS JPM IS SUSPENDING SHARE REPURCHASES
  • DIMON SAYS SUSPENDING REPURCHASE PROGRAM ISN'T RELATED TO LOSS
  • DIMON SAYS SUSPENDING REPURCHASE PROGRAM ISN'T RELATED TO LOSS
  • JPM'S DIMON SAYS THERE'S UNREALIZED $8B IN PROFIT FROM CIO
  • JPM'S DIMON: DOESN'T SEE INVESTIGATION TO UNVEIL BIG SUPRISES
  • DIMON SAYS LOSS IS AN ISOLATED EVENT

And the joke of the day:

  • DIMON SAYS FORTRESS BALANCE SHEET REMAINS

But at least Bank of America will be announcing a dividend any minute now. And so the hits just keep on coming.

 

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Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:46 | 2447185 ZeroPower
ZeroPower's picture

Tempest in a teapot

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:47 | 2447194 rajat_bhatia
rajat_bhatia's picture

Lol, all the money gone into Fucking Bullshit $FB?

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:15 | 2447350 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

It would be interesting to find out if JPM's unrealized $8bn gain (not profit) is the result of a Level 3 asset, where the fair value is based on one of their internal models, or if is is based on a Level 1 or 2 asset which is priced on relative market forces and is more transparent.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:59 | 2447541 strannick
strannick's picture

Where have i heard Dimons comments before? Oh yeah, spring 2008 from Bear Sternes. 'once you have to start declaring your solvent, your days are numbered'

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 14:04 | 2448241 ndotken
ndotken's picture

Seems to me that the recent fall in JPM would be a buying opportunity for the company ... that is, if they had the ability to buy ...............

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:14 | 2447355 oddjob
oddjob's picture

The morons at JPM thought selling Silver they don't own to repurchase their own stock was a good idea.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 11:30 | 2447675 Alea Iactaest
Alea Iactaest's picture

I'm looking forward to the next SI-JPM cross. May be the last one.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 15:04 | 2448450 goldfish1
goldfish1's picture

From Bill Murphy at Le Metropole article posted to Goldseek today:

http://news.goldseek.com/LemetropoleCafe/1337588175.php

"GATA’s rationale (speaking for myself) about this ridiculous investigation is that the CFTC really has uncovered the scam, but because it is backed by the US Government, they are flabbergasted about what to do, so they do nothing...

a new factor enters the silver scam investigation, which directly affects Morgan’s constant claims to the CFTC that their huge silver short position is hedged."              

"...The Gold Cartel could be in deep trouble now because their honcho, JP Morgan, is in deepening trouble. This is no minor event in terms of the gold/silver market manipulation scandal."

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 12:37 | 2447969 SILVERGEDDON
SILVERGEDDON's picture

Emperor Dimon has no clothes. Burning ass hat shot down in flames. TOO FUCKING BAD. Blythe has your parachute and fire extinguisher. Burn , Baby , Burn.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:07 | 2447323 William113
William113's picture

GMAC sent me a notice on friday that THEY are filing for Bankruptcy. I just wanted to say HA HA and FUCK YOU GMAC.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:12 | 2447349 Oh regional Indian
Oh regional Indian's picture

Now that, is irony.

ori

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:43 | 2447493 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

Damage Control, Bitchez!

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 12:17 | 2447914 Quinvarius
Quinvarius's picture

Obviously Jamie Dimon was bailed out over the weekend for at least 10B.  Ending the share repurchase prgram using Fed money was part of the deal.  The guy is a worthless drain on society.  For him to straight out lie about every aspect of the bailout he just got proves what a POS liar scumbag he is.  I detest that cvnt.

The best part is, I know he lied to the Fed too.  What ever he got this time, he needs more.  It isn't over.  That is just how he and Madoff think.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:47 | 2447187 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

SAVE THE WHALE..

Thar she blows.....

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:53 | 2447224 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Dimon calls pool episode "an insulated isodent".

 

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:45 | 2447497 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

"isotropic pepsodent"

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:54 | 2447227 Crack-up Boom
Crack-up Boom's picture

Only Dimon himself could give that a down arrow!  Hilarious!   

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:56 | 2447247 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

If you've never experienced whale watching, this is gonna be your week.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:06 | 2447321 falak pema
falak pema's picture

Moby Dick?

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:46 | 2447502 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

No, definitely dick.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:05 | 2447309 falak pema
falak pema's picture

fortress bum balance sheet with lots of shadow banking rifts and valleys. Ride away lone ranger into da sunset.

"Hi-Ho Blythe, I was master of all I surveyed; but what a disaster as the whale pulled the plug on my raft and I'm floating adrift. I don't feel like sucking the vortex up ahead. Jesus! Any CDSs out there for me to use as life saver buoy? I need a leg up from a dandy lady who is handy and finds me randy as moon shined brandy! "

"Nope Jamie, nobody wants to cover ur ass or even buy it naked and rosy red. I guess its just you n me in this game of musical chairs and I'll be seeing ya agin when hell freezes over.  No hard feelings but I can see a limp one when it goes soggy!"

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:23 | 2447403 Hulk
Hulk's picture

I'll never get tired of that blow hole...

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 11:23 | 2447657 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

I believe that is what is called rebranding in the Ad bus

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 12:41 | 2447979 Disenchanted
Disenchanted's picture

 

 

 

where's that goddamn donkey when you really need him?

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7wmGazAd5k

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 13:31 | 2448127 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Is this a chart of what they mean by "fat tail risk?"

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:47 | 2447192 FLUSA.com
FLUSA.com's picture

Open a new Chase savings account and get 10 free Facebook stocks!

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:50 | 2447211 Manthong
Manthong's picture

..and a toaster to put them in.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:52 | 2447220 FLUSA.com
FLUSA.com's picture

nice...

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:47 | 2447196 moonstears
moonstears's picture

Maybe they should buy more FB down here in the low 30s, DCA their shares and all. 

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:00 | 2447272 azzhatter
azzhatter's picture

I put in a bid at $5.00, my fear is it will cover. better cancel

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:48 | 2447197 Tortfeasor
Tortfeasor's picture

When did we change the definition of "Loss" to "Unrealized profit"?

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:52 | 2447218 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

When we created or "saved" millions of jobs

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:05 | 2447303 ArrestBobRubin
ArrestBobRubin's picture

Since history's oldest genociders became its "Victims".

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:08 | 2447328 Treason Season
Treason Season's picture

When we changed a helicopter "crashed" in ______ instead of "shot down".

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 15:09 | 2448481 goldfish1
goldfish1's picture

Saw this to my dismay:

Local police consider using mini helicopters

check out the picture

http://www.sanduskyregister.com/news/tinyhelicopters5912ewxml

 

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:52 | 2447519 Poetic injustice
Poetic injustice's picture

It works also other way, banks *love* to book unrealized profits as losses to write off taxes.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:49 | 2447210 Navymugsy
Navymugsy's picture

Glad I sold my JPM on Friday. Oh God I wish there were FB puts avilable!!!!!!

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:51 | 2447219 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

Ben just told Jamie to put the money into Facebook instead. That's the whale they need to save today. Ben wiill back him up on it later. Dimon probably still puked and farted at the same time when he heard that.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:59 | 2447242 ziggy59
ziggy59's picture

Can shareholdevote revote dimons salary package again? Just asking

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:56 | 2447245 willien1derland
willien1derland's picture

You had me at ChairSatan - Take that Jamie Dimon...Pimpin' Ain't Easy...

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 09:57 | 2447250 fuu
fuu's picture

But Jamie said on the call this would not affect the repurchse program. Plus it's only like 1/10 of 1% loss...

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:01 | 2447278 midgetrannyporn
midgetrannyporn's picture

they halted repurchases because the stock price went too low. HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:46 | 2447505 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

We can't possibly buy this cheap in good conscience. We're whores, but please!

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:02 | 2447280 Mr Lennon Hendrix
Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

 

 

  • DIMON SAYS HE IS A UNICORN
  • DIMON DECLARES JPM SUPREME BANK OF THE WORLD
  • DIMON SAYS HE SHOULD BE NOMINATED SUPREME UNICORM OF THE UST
Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:02 | 2447282 ArrestBobRubin
ArrestBobRubin's picture

I can see that daily Jamie-Jive is gonna be rich source of humor and Banzai inspiration from here. Yeah boy.

Who knew Jamie is such a giver?

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:04 | 2447293 lizzy36
lizzy36's picture

Yes, everything is great at JPM.

While Dimon was busy going through "roaming charges" of the retail division, the CIO of London became a dysfunctional clusterfuck.

As loss caps were removed, and risk management was being overseen by a dude named "Goldman" (ironic i know), whose BROTHER-in-LAW hired him for the job (brother in law, was the head of risk at CIO until he retired and had Goldman take his place.....Goldman of course was sancioned in 2007, for trading the SAME names in his PA as he was trading in his firms (at the time) prop account), Dimon was doing what?

Fuck his fortess balance sheet, where were his seconds in command, the loyal JPM lieutenants, why weren't they challanging him? Far bigger issue is why nobody at JPM had the balls to challenge Dimon on his hands off approach to the risks being taken in London.

Sandy Weill always said that what made Jamie Dimon a great lieutenant was that Dimon was never afraid to deliver bad news, never afraid to say "weill was wrong". One wonders where the "jamie dimon" lieutenant is at JPM?

Seems to me the "cult of ceo" has gone to JPM's head. The results are NOT pretty.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:49 | 2447515 Miss Expectations
Miss Expectations's picture

Far bigger issue is why nobody at JPM had the balls to challenge Dimon on his hands off approach to the risks being taken in London.

Plausible deniibility?

Tue, 05/22/2012 - 00:57 | 2449853 giddy
giddy's picture

Wow... nice recap... kudos. 

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:06 | 2447315 Watson
Watson's picture

>>>
JPM'S DIMON SAYS THERE'S UNREALIZED $8B IN PROFIT FROM CIO
<<<

How priced, bearing in mind these positions are so large marginal bids and offers are irrelevant?

He needs to lose the positions, and _only afterwards_ make a public statement about P&L.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:08 | 2447329 Dermasolarapate...
Dermasolarapaterraphatrima's picture

"Never been a better time then now to buy JPM"...or was that a house?...I forget what they said on TV.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:09 | 2447335 azzhatter
azzhatter's picture

Makes no sense, if the shares were a buy at $44 and nothing's wrong why not buy at $33?

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:10 | 2447336 j0nx
j0nx's picture

"DIMON SAYS SUSPENDING REPURCHASE PROGRAM ISN'T RELATED TO LOSS"

Surrrrre it isn't Jamie. Whatever you say buddy. These guys have really gotten their dicks in a wringer over there. The extent of it has yet to even be realized. Maybe they can take GS with them and all of the other sociopaths in DC who rely on their campaign bribery err I mean donations..

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:11 | 2447342 Quicksilver Will
Quicksilver Will's picture

  Right, Jamie.  All is well. And you stopped buying shares because??? They were getting too cheap?   

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:19 | 2447382 junkyardjack
junkyardjack's picture

He realized they are getting closer to fair value, 0...

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:11 | 2447343 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Enough is enough: SEC should just halt trading in JPM stock and sell JPM to Goldman for $3 a share.  

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:18 | 2447375 junkyardjack
junkyardjack's picture

This must be why the market is rallying, I was wondering what was going on....

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:21 | 2447398 Postmortemism
Postmortemism's picture

JPM is just a zombie bank run by clever salespeople.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:44 | 2447405 toady
toady's picture

Not related to the loss?

Of course it's not related to THE loss.

If you think it was related to THE CIO loss, its not....

If you think it's related to THE facebook loss, its not...

Plausable deniability. It all depends on the definition of 'the'.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 11:10 | 2447586 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

It's related to ..... ummmm ..... that other thing.

 

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:28 | 2447421 jez
jez's picture

.

 

 

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:38 | 2447479 Conman
Conman's picture

Apparently a company halting stock buyback is good news since JPM went green there for a second.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:39 | 2447484 lizzy36
lizzy36's picture

Btw, Dimon didn't say it, but i see the hands of the Fed on this "stop share buyback".

My guess is ineffective regulators....the same ones who use "bank provided" MODELS, to view the risk of the same bank (wtf do we pay for regulators again) becaue regulators "want to view the risk through the same lense as the banks".....told Dimon to suspend the share buyback.

Dimon has officially been sent to the naughty corner.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:41 | 2447488 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Wait until they cut or eliminate the dividend.  Then panic. 

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:43 | 2447492 etresoi
etresoi's picture

Bring back Bill "I hate my job" Harrison, who could not wait to give Dimon his job.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:57 | 2447538 Fish Gone Bad
Fish Gone Bad's picture

They will be able to buy a butt load as the stock declines further.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 11:08 | 2447580 billsbest
Mon, 05/21/2012 - 11:11 | 2447592 Revjack36
Revjack36's picture

Look everyone the Emperor has no clothes. Go figure.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 11:37 | 2447715 falak pema
falak pema's picture

Here is a case of "rally around the flag boys!" :

CITI: We're Super Bullish On JP Morgan, And - Business Insider

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 11:39 | 2447723 Milton Waddams
Milton Waddams's picture

DIMON SAYS FORTRESS BALANCE SHEET REMAINS

Yeah, and another Fed-sped (board member of the NY Fed, selected to 'represent' the public) once declared his company's dividend 'air tight' on television a few months before cutting the dividend.

September 25th, 2008, xxxxxxx xxxxxxxx CEO xxxxxx xxxxxx said: XXXXXX: THE DIVIDEND OF THE COMPANY AT THE PRICE TODAY IS 5%, SO SOMEBODY THAT'S GOING TO BUY THE STOCK TODAY IS GOING TO GET AN AIR TIGHT 5% DIVIDEND AND THEN, YOU KNOW, 2009 IS GOING TO BE 2009. IN OTHER WORDS, THE ECONOMY IS GOING TO GO WITH WHAT THE ECONOMY DOES AT A TIME LIKE

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 11:53 | 2447806 ghostzapper
ghostzapper's picture

Shalom to the rescue.  They are all on the same team in case you didn't see that.  Just sayin . . . .

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 13:25 | 2447933 Youri Carma
Youri Carma's picture

JPM may become an 'Isolated event' itself if we put the kibosh on Blyth Masters silver deal. She knows we've kiboshed before ...

and we will kibosh again ...

How Kubrick’s ‘The Shining’ Hidden Gold Story Exposes The FED & FIAT Money Scam

“The CIO’s “non-vanilla” portfolio is now over $150bn in size .”
From: JPMorgan unit has $100bn of risky? bonds
18 May 2012, by By Sam Jones in London and Tracy Alloway and Tom Braithwaite in New York (Financial Times)
http://www.ft.com/intl/cms/s/0/8ef035de-a043-11e1-88e6-00144feabdc0.html

JPMorgan unit has $100 billion in securitized assets, structured debt: FT
17 May 2012, (Reuters)
http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/05/18/us-jpmorgan-idUSBRE84H02J20120518

$3 Billion and Counting: JP Morgan’s Loss Grows by 50% in 5 Days
16 May 2012, by Derek Thompson (The Atlantic)
http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2012/05/-3-billion-and-counting-jp-morgans-loss-grows-by-50-in-5-days/257312/

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 12:32 | 2447955 UGrev
UGrev's picture

DIMON Says.. put your hands in your pocket

DIMON Says.. take out your wallet

DIMON Says.. give us your money

Now pull out your cash from JPM.. AH!! I didn't say DIMON Says!!

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 12:44 | 2447988 SILVERGEDDON
SILVERGEDDON's picture

Jamie's fudge is gonna get packed in the crowbar hotel, 'cause the POTB are gonna need a fall guy for Armageddon, fiat style. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. Black Salami or bust, Jamie !

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 13:12 | 2448066 dunce
dunce's picture

The history of buy backs has shown them to be harmful to the regular share holder. Most take place in an effort to give the stock a temporay boost so management can excercise their stock options. It is little more than market manipulation and insider trading.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 14:03 | 2448234 ndotken
ndotken's picture

.

Mon, 05/21/2012 - 14:22 | 2448302 dizzyfingers
dizzyfingers's picture
Dimon's Role on N.Y. Fed Board Sparks Fierce Debate

The fallout of JPMorgan Chase & Co.'s $2 billion trading loss has reignited old worries of just how close Wall Street is to one of its top regulators, the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. Politicians and consumer activists have called for Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan's chairman and chief executive, to resign from his position as a board director at the New York Fed.

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