JPM Halts Share Repurchase Program

Tyler Durden's picture

Remember when Jamie Dimon showed the Fed who's boss and preannounced it was starting a share repurchase program? Turns out the Chairsatan will have the final laugh:

  • DIMON SAYS JPM IS SUSPENDING SHARE REPURCHASES
  • DIMON SAYS SUSPENDING REPURCHASE PROGRAM ISN'T RELATED TO LOSS
  • DIMON SAYS SUSPENDING REPURCHASE PROGRAM ISN'T RELATED TO LOSS
  • JPM'S DIMON SAYS THERE'S UNREALIZED $8B IN PROFIT FROM CIO
  • JPM'S DIMON: DOESN'T SEE INVESTIGATION TO UNVEIL BIG SUPRISES
  • DIMON SAYS LOSS IS AN ISOLATED EVENT

And the joke of the day:

  • DIMON SAYS FORTRESS BALANCE SHEET REMAINS

But at least Bank of America will be announcing a dividend any minute now. And so the hits just keep on coming.

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ZeroPower's picture

Tempest in a teapot

rajat_bhatia's picture

Lol, all the money gone into Fucking Bullshit $FB?

AlaricBalth's picture

It would be interesting to find out if JPM's unrealized $8bn gain (not profit) is the result of a Level 3 asset, where the fair value is based on one of their internal models, or if is is based on a Level 1 or 2 asset which is priced on relative market forces and is more transparent.

strannick's picture

Where have i heard Dimons comments before? Oh yeah, spring 2008 from Bear Sternes. 'once you have to start declaring your solvent, your days are numbered'

ndotken's picture

Seems to me that the recent fall in JPM would be a buying opportunity for the company ... that is, if they had the ability to buy ...............

oddjob's picture

The morons at JPM thought selling Silver they don't own to repurchase their own stock was a good idea.

Alea Iactaest's picture

I'm looking forward to the next SI-JPM cross. May be the last one.

goldfish1's picture

From Bill Murphy at Le Metropole article posted to Goldseek today:

http://news.goldseek.com/LemetropoleCafe/1337588175.php

"GATA’s rationale (speaking for myself) about this ridiculous investigation is that the CFTC really has uncovered the scam, but because it is backed by the US Government, they are flabbergasted about what to do, so they do nothing...

a new factor enters the silver scam investigation, which directly affects Morgan’s constant claims to the CFTC that their huge silver short position is hedged."              

"...The Gold Cartel could be in deep trouble now because their honcho, JP Morgan, is in deepening trouble. This is no minor event in terms of the gold/silver market manipulation scandal."

SILVERGEDDON's picture

Emperor Dimon has no clothes. Burning ass hat shot down in flames. TOO FUCKING BAD. Blythe has your parachute and fire extinguisher. Burn , Baby , Burn.

William113's picture

GMAC sent me a notice on friday that THEY are filing for Bankruptcy. I just wanted to say HA HA and FUCK YOU GMAC.

Quinvarius's picture

Obviously Jamie Dimon was bailed out over the weekend for at least 10B.  Ending the share repurchase prgram using Fed money was part of the deal.  The guy is a worthless drain on society.  For him to straight out lie about every aspect of the bailout he just got proves what a POS liar scumbag he is.  I detest that cvnt.

The best part is, I know he lied to the Fed too.  What ever he got this time, he needs more.  It isn't over.  That is just how he and Madoff think.

williambanzai7's picture

SAVE THE WHALE..

Thar she blows.....

TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Dimon calls pool episode "an insulated isodent".

 

Crack-up Boom's picture

Only Dimon himself could give that a down arrow!  Hilarious!   

williambanzai7's picture

If you've never experienced whale watching, this is gonna be your week.

falak pema's picture

fortress bum balance sheet with lots of shadow banking rifts and valleys. Ride away lone ranger into da sunset.

"Hi-Ho Blythe, I was master of all I surveyed; but what a disaster as the whale pulled the plug on my raft and I'm floating adrift. I don't feel like sucking the vortex up ahead. Jesus! Any CDSs out there for me to use as life saver buoy? I need a leg up from a dandy lady who is handy and finds me randy as moon shined brandy! "

"Nope Jamie, nobody wants to cover ur ass or even buy it naked and rosy red. I guess its just you n me in this game of musical chairs and I'll be seeing ya agin when hell freezes over.  No hard feelings but I can see a limp one when it goes soggy!"

Hulk's picture

I'll never get tired of that blow hole...

williambanzai7's picture

I believe that is what is called rebranding in the Ad bus

Disenchanted's picture

 

 

 

where's that goddamn donkey when you really need him?

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7wmGazAd5k

MsCreant's picture

Is this a chart of what they mean by "fat tail risk?"

FLUSA.com's picture

Open a new Chase savings account and get 10 free Facebook stocks!

moonstears's picture

Maybe they should buy more FB down here in the low 30s, DCA their shares and all. 

azzhatter's picture

I put in a bid at $5.00, my fear is it will cover. better cancel

Tortfeasor's picture

When did we change the definition of "Loss" to "Unrealized profit"?

Seasmoke's picture

When we created or "saved" millions of jobs

ArrestBobRubin's picture

Since history's oldest genociders became its "Victims".

Treason Season's picture

When we changed a helicopter "crashed" in ______ instead of "shot down".

goldfish1's picture

Saw this to my dismay:

Local police consider using mini helicopters

check out the picture

http://www.sanduskyregister.com/news/tinyhelicopters5912ewxml

 

Poetic injustice's picture

It works also other way, banks *love* to book unrealized profits as losses to write off taxes.

Navymugsy's picture

Glad I sold my JPM on Friday. Oh God I wish there were FB puts avilable!!!!!!

Downtoolong's picture

Ben just told Jamie to put the money into Facebook instead. That's the whale they need to save today. Ben wiill back him up on it later. Dimon probably still puked and farted at the same time when he heard that.

ziggy59's picture

Can shareholdevote revote dimons salary package again? Just asking

willien1derland's picture

You had me at ChairSatan - Take that Jamie Dimon...Pimpin' Ain't Easy...

fuu's picture

But Jamie said on the call this would not affect the repurchse program. Plus it's only like 1/10 of 1% loss...

midgetrannyporn's picture

they halted repurchases because the stock price went too low. HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

GMadScientist's picture

We can't possibly buy this cheap in good conscience. We're whores, but please!

Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

 

 

  • DIMON SAYS HE IS A UNICORN
  • DIMON DECLARES JPM SUPREME BANK OF THE WORLD
  • DIMON SAYS HE SHOULD BE NOMINATED SUPREME UNICORM OF THE UST
ArrestBobRubin's picture

I can see that daily Jamie-Jive is gonna be rich source of humor and Banzai inspiration from here. Yeah boy.

Who knew Jamie is such a giver?

lizzy36's picture

Yes, everything is great at JPM.

While Dimon was busy going through "roaming charges" of the retail division, the CIO of London became a dysfunctional clusterfuck.

As loss caps were removed, and risk management was being overseen by a dude named "Goldman" (ironic i know), whose BROTHER-in-LAW hired him for the job (brother in law, was the head of risk at CIO until he retired and had Goldman take his place.....Goldman of course was sancioned in 2007, for trading the SAME names in his PA as he was trading in his firms (at the time) prop account), Dimon was doing what?

Fuck his fortess balance sheet, where were his seconds in command, the loyal JPM lieutenants, why weren't they challanging him? Far bigger issue is why nobody at JPM had the balls to challenge Dimon on his hands off approach to the risks being taken in London.

Sandy Weill always said that what made Jamie Dimon a great lieutenant was that Dimon was never afraid to deliver bad news, never afraid to say "weill was wrong". One wonders where the "jamie dimon" lieutenant is at JPM?

Seems to me the "cult of ceo" has gone to JPM's head. The results are NOT pretty.

Miss Expectations's picture

Far bigger issue is why nobody at JPM had the balls to challenge Dimon on his hands off approach to the risks being taken in London.

Plausible deniibility?

giddy's picture

Wow... nice recap... kudos. 

Watson's picture

>>>
JPM'S DIMON SAYS THERE'S UNREALIZED $8B IN PROFIT FROM CIO
<<<

How priced, bearing in mind these positions are so large marginal bids and offers are irrelevant?

He needs to lose the positions, and _only afterwards_ make a public statement about P&L.

Dermasolarapaterraphatrima's picture

"Never been a better time then now to buy JPM"...or was that a house?...I forget what they said on TV.