In Living Will Color: Translating What The Banks Really Said

Tyler Durden's picture

In honor of the FDIC releasing the living wills for banks, we thought we’d offer up a shorter version that the banks could use. You're welcome.

My Desire for a Natural Death


I, ______[BANK NAME HERE]_______, being of sound mind, desire that, as specified below, my life not be prolonged by life prolonging measures:

 

1. When My Directives Apply

My Living Will shall go into effect if my central banker determines that any of the following conditions apply:

  • I have a large amount of short-term debt that I cannot roll over in the overnight lending market.
  • I become severely undercapitalized and I cannot raise additional capital in the open market.
  • My care providers determine that I have made some questionable bets that cannot be unwound without systemic risk.

 

2. My Directives about Prolonging My Life

In those situations I have outlined above, I direct that my central bankers to perform the following procedures:

  • First, deny anything is wrong and insist that I am well capitalized.
  • Second, continue to insist everything is fine and blame short sellers for creating a panic. [Bonus points for instituting a ban on short selling]
  • Third, attempt to force me onto another bank as a questionable acquisition.

 

If none of the procedures above work, Tim Geitner and Ben Bernanke shall yell “FINISH HIM” in unison as they pull my access to the life sustaining Federal Reserve Discount Window.

 

3. I Wish to be Made as Comfortable as Possible

I direct that my health care providers to NEVER MARK-TO-MARKET MY ASSETS so as to keep me as comfortable and free of pain as possible so that my dignity is maintained.

 

4. I Understand my Advance Directive

I am aware and understand that this document directs certain life prolonging measures to be withheld or discontinued in accordance with my advance instructions.

 

 

___________________________________
Signature of Bank

 

(h/t Nori Yoshida of PaperBlog)