In Living Will Color: Translating What The Banks Really Said

Tyler Durden's picture

In honor of the FDIC releasing the living wills for banks, we thought we’d offer up a shorter version that the banks could use. You're welcome.

My Desire for a Natural Death

I, ______[BANK NAME HERE]_______, being of sound mind, desire that, as specified below, my life not be prolonged by life prolonging measures:


1. When My Directives Apply

My Living Will shall go into effect if my central banker determines that any of the following conditions apply:

  • I have a large amount of short-term debt that I cannot roll over in the overnight lending market.
  • I become severely undercapitalized and I cannot raise additional capital in the open market.
  • My care providers determine that I have made some questionable bets that cannot be unwound without systemic risk.


2. My Directives about Prolonging My Life

In those situations I have outlined above, I direct that my central bankers to perform the following procedures:

  • First, deny anything is wrong and insist that I am well capitalized.
  • Second, continue to insist everything is fine and blame short sellers for creating a panic. [Bonus points for instituting a ban on short selling]
  • Third, attempt to force me onto another bank as a questionable acquisition.


If none of the procedures above work, Tim Geitner and Ben Bernanke shall yell “FINISH HIM” in unison as they pull my access to the life sustaining Federal Reserve Discount Window.


3. I Wish to be Made as Comfortable as Possible

I direct that my health care providers to NEVER MARK-TO-MARKET MY ASSETS so as to keep me as comfortable and free of pain as possible so that my dignity is maintained.


4. I Understand my Advance Directive

I am aware and understand that this document directs certain life prolonging measures to be withheld or discontinued in accordance with my advance instructions.



Signature of Bank


(h/t Nori Yoshida of PaperBlog)

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Pladizow's picture

Do Zombie's need a "living" will?

Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

Take down the zombie banks!

Buy silver!

Join the July 13th Silver Army, and buy silver this day!

FEDbuster's picture

Buy lead, brass and copper.  Might have to use some silver instead of lead for the Vampires out there.

Michael's picture

Here's a little video I put together from In Living Color skits;

Homey D. Clown Don't Kiss the Man's Ring

saturn's picture

Buy Mars, coz Earth ran out of Snickers after operation Twix failed. (And no, you don't have enough to buy the Milky Milky Way!)

tmosley's picture

That post was well worth 100 Grand.

LongSoupLine's picture

I'm saving up for whatchamacallit...(no wait, it was thingamajigs)

francis_sawyer's picture

Oh Henry!... You'll have to wait for Pay Day for that Goober... But a word of advice... Don't trust Butterfingers with your loot, or else Baby Ruth & his gang of Snickering 3 Musketeers might Crunch his ass into Krackeling Mounds of Reese's Pieces right on 5th Avenue... They won't know what Tootsie Rolled them until after they've bee Zagnutted & Snowcapped into a Junior Mint Zero...

Joe Sixpack's picture

(And no, you don't have enough to buy the Milky Milky Way!)


With derivatives, anything is possible!

tmosley's picture

That doesn't make any sense at all.

Accumulate slowly and steadily while they keep the price down.  A sudden spike will upset things and we will wind up with less, and the price during the industrial panic that will follow the silver market collapse won't go as high as it would with a smaller remaining stockpile.

Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

Whatever dude.  With your strategy there will be a point when you had wished you had bought more.

tmosley's picture

How?  I spend almost 50% of my paycheck on silver.  Basically everything that doesn't go to bills goes into the phys.

Buying a bunch of phys all at once is only going to clean out local coin shops and maybe retailers.  You can't force shorts to cover unless you buy up all of the long contracts and demand delivery, at which point you would just get MF'd.  That is, unless you think the system is fair, and that shorts don't have access to infinite fiat, and that the powerful won't just confiscate your accounts when you get to be troublesome.

It didn't work for Keiser, what makes you think it will work for you?  Remember what Einstein said about insanity before you answer.

Rahm's picture

Actually LH came up with it, Keiser took the idea from him. 

tmosley's picture

Interesting, if beside the point.  Why would it work now, when it didn't work then?

Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

I think it is working, and I am not saying you aren't doing justice, not am I saying your idea is not brillian in respect that you are purchasing a large quantity.  But just as we all want to benefit financially, we should all want to benefit in terms of a society.  We need to get rid of the banks, and taking the silver off of the shelves we can make it so their shorts get squeezed.  Their positions are large, and so will be their losses.

It is always best to go at a target headlong.  We must take them down at once.  What better time than now?

tmosley's picture

Bully for you, but the banks are going to collapse all on their own, right along with the states that have backed them.  They can no more stop themselves from collapsing than a man can build a new floor at the top of a building by taking materials from the bottom floor.

I, personally have an interest in seeing them continue for as long as possible, as I get more fiat with which to buy more silver.  I won't begrudge the move when it comes, nor those who triggered it, but I will myself refrain from pulling the trigger.  I suspect that many around the world feel the same way, especially the foreigners who are accumulating gold like there is no tomorrow.

buckethead's picture

They can no more stop themselves from collapsing than a man can build a new floor at the top of a building by taking materials from the bottom floor.

Poetic. This is the perfect analogy.

VelvetHog's picture

Forget all this construction.  Just say "Ponzi".

NotApplicable's picture

Until you clean out the dealers who then have to go to the Crimex for more "cheap" bars for minting, I don't see how this can do anything other than make all of the physical disappear. As for Crimex deliveries, Corzine broke the handle off of the door on the delivery dock.

Last I heard, Celente has no metal, nor his FRNs back.

The whole thing should've been done as a PR stunt (to raise awareness of the manipulation by JPM), rather than attempting to bust them. If this ever does get to a pressure point, they'll destroy Keiser just to let the rest of us know that they aren't to be fucked with.

As for "getting rid of the banks," LOL WUT???? C'mon, you should know that all zombies known as failed industries are just another arm of fedgov (airlines, auto mfr., and now financial services). As long as fedgov exists, so will the zombies.

Marginal Call's picture

Every body taking their money to credit unions and using co-op businesses where feasible will have 1000X the effect.   But, I've got PMs as insurance against collapse-not to cause it.  I just want the crooks to go out of business and go to jail. 

Doña K's picture

Unfortunately most big accounts will stay with the big banks as they are TBTF. credit unions are geat but if everyone moves money in credit unions to the point that there is threat to the big ones, you will see new regulation on credit union restrictions. they have all the aces.

NotApplicable's picture

CU's are every bit as fucked up as banks these days.

Thank ZIRP!

rqb1's picture

what is the july 13th sliver army?


Peter Pan's picture

The bank"s living will should have a provision allowing for any bonuses paid to directors in the previous three years to be clawed back. If the ship goes down, then so too must the captain.

tmosley's picture

Somehow this comes to mind: skip to 1:41

Ratscam's picture

rather the song "Glamour boys" by the band Living Colours which described todays situation back in the late 80is. Change takes generations! Damn!

SheepDog-One's picture

Sign over your lives, bankster bitchez.

Warm Regards....Satan.

emersonreturn's picture

pull the plug please (ptpp)

francis_sawyer's picture

What the banks REALLY need is 'Fire Marshall Bill'... (the francis_sawyer nominee for chief of BIS)...


Yen Cross's picture

 Anything not on the books is " not levered" , AKA dark Pools!

knukles's picture

Highly unlikely that "Tim Geitner and Ben Bernanke shall yell “FINISH HIM”" and destroy fufture employment prospects.  Look at what Bobby Rubin mooched out of Cicit's shareholder base!

Bite the hand that feeds it or bite me?
Which it gonna be?
Bite me.

Marginal Call's picture

Two snaps up in a circle. 

LawsofPhysics's picture

Anyone remember that partial audit of the Federal Reserve?

"The audit of the Fed’s emergency lending programs was scarcely reported by mainstream media – albeit the results are undoubtedly newsworthy.  It is the first audit of the Fed in United States history since its beginnings in 1913.  The findings verify that over $16 trillion was allocated to corporations and banks internationally, purportedly for “financial assistance” during and after the 2008 fiscal crisis."


Where does candidate Romney stand on this?  Is this capitalism?  Fucking fascists.


unununium's picture

Audit the Fed needs your support right NOW

Very good chance of passing the house before the recess

NotApplicable's picture

I don't understand how "choosing liberty" equates to "supporting the beast."

Sorry, your incoherence is showing.

The Alarmist's picture

Can we, as interested creditors, apply for a death warrant for these bastards?

falak pema's picture

there is a rumor out on the moon that Neil Armstrong is returning. Its created a huge buzz amongst the dead matter on the planet.

"Imagine", says a dead stone to a deader piece of dirt rolled up like a turd, "This living, breathing thing is coming back to visit us."

"I hope he doesn't have his six iron with him." Said the roll of soft, rubbery dirt.

"So do I, I don't want to be sent around the moon like the proverbial cow, jumping and going round n round" said the stone, with a  long dead groan suddenly revived.

"I know how you feel brother, he did pee on me and it left me with an indelible stain. I can still feel it in my left thigh."

"They say he is coming with a bunch of rich fellow-men who have run away from their planet; they are known as bankstas and they want for some reason to find a new home. Neil Armstrong is playing lead pioneer riding stage coach for them on this run."

"You know one alien is fine, but I don't like the idea of being colonised by a whole bunch of these invaders."

"I hear you brother, I have the spirit of those lost sons of our planet who went and visited theirs a thousand years ago. I like adventure but not being at the receiving end of a dirty dozen."

"Oh you mean our rare earths, I wonder what they became." said the stone. 

"Well I'm sure of one thing, we send our best to their planet and they send us their worst. If any guy pisses on me again I'll fart in his face."

They left it at that, as to them Neil was a nostalgic dream. But a that was another story with an ominous ring.


q99x2's picture

Fuck that they need to include step 9: Made direct amends wherever possible

highwaytoserfdom's picture

Blame the shortsellers except the Paulsons shorting the shadow inaccessible markets and accusing short sellers of being anti  American terrorist.. Notice Iceland told BOA Banksters to go F%ck themselves and **** jail terms for banksters**** ...   Now Iceland is recovering.. Despite Brown repeatedly invoking anti terrorist laws...  The fascist are here in the name of patriot acts..   Very clever article...  Sad for the world we are leaving for our decedents...   Remember it is not the ruse Rombama or obamney care that should be on everyone's mind but the much more important Audit the FED movement..    Go Howard Beal and laugh and enjoy the holiday..

elwu's picture

That's a good one!


BTW; Deutsche Bank in it's will made it very clear what it would do in case of terminal illness: throw all the junk it has on its books onto the FMS Wertmanagement. Which is the bad bank backed by German taxpyers. Good plan: socialize losses, as any good ultracapitalist finance industry business does since a few years.