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Map Of The Dead: How To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse

Tyler Durden's picture




 

On a long enough timeline... the zombies will arise, and exhibit a sudden craving for brain stew. So what is a person who will have survived the great central bank collapse to do? Full interactive map for any specific location in the US can be found at http://www.mapofthedead.com

US Danger Zones...

And for our friends at the New York Fed...

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Wed, 04/11/2012 - 15:51 | 2335672 ArrestBobRubin
ArrestBobRubin's picture

And ya better Kimber-up too while you're at it :-)

http://www.kimberamerica.com/solo

A Solo or 2 can make up for some piss-poor cardio...

 

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:38 | 2334413 EBR MOD 0
EBR MOD 0's picture

death from a far...one shot one kill time coming.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:56 | 2334473 Bawneee Fwank
Bawneee Fwank's picture

If and when the shit hits the fan here in the USSA it is my belief the entire country will become Stalingrad...In fact I think this place will make Stalingrad look like MF'in Disneyland in comparison.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 12:40 | 2334835 sof_hannibal
sof_hannibal's picture

I disagree, Russians aren't Americans, many Americans are Armed and just dumb enough to start shootibg... we like to be rebel/revolt [historically], eventually... especially when the wellfare checks and food stamps and gov. Payroll transfers stop (cough, when the austerity measures start)...

However, wouldnt be surprised if the USA becomes some creepy religious fundamentalist state that outlaws science.. i sure hope not though

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 13:27 | 2335003 aerojet
aerojet's picture

I think you guys are all over-thinking this scenario.  The checks will never stop.  The amounts may buy less, but the checks will never actually cease.  Thus, there doesn't seem to be a triggering event for widespread chaos.  I predict a more gradual collapse, as is already underway. 

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 18:00 | 2336110 Hagbard Celine
Hagbard Celine's picture

just long enough for everybody to run through their little box or two of ammo collecting dust in the closet along with the gun that hasn't been fired since two weeks after it was bought... probably long enough to make it smell bad for a while, though.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 13:01 | 2334910 sof_hannibal
sof_hannibal's picture

Don't try to run. You'll only die tired!

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 11:37 | 2334609 non_anon
non_anon's picture

~From backwater to glowing sea~

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 12:34 | 2334817 sof_hannibal
sof_hannibal's picture

Eventually you run out of ammo. But don't be stingy with the steal rain...

"So my friends, this is now the United States of Zombieland. It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shitstorm..." have [the nxt 5 to 201 yrs of the world]...

I say get off of the grid, unless you're preparred to fight and learn to hunt with a bow!

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 12:45 | 2334854 DosZap
DosZap's picture

Eventually you run out of ammo. But don't be stingy with the steal rain

Maybe YOU will...........................

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 12:52 | 2334880 sof_hannibal
sof_hannibal's picture

"My moma always told me, someday I'd be good at something. Who'd have guessed that something would be zombie killing?"

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:21 | 2334362 Lord Blankcheck
Lord Blankcheck's picture

Mexico looks clear

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:35 | 2334410 Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture

YES!!! MEXICO IS SAFE!!!! Just a few drug lords and organ harvesters over there....

 

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 12:45 | 2334849 sof_hannibal
sof_hannibal's picture

revolution and Agua Caliente blvd., Tijuana at the Lord of Darkness Club; totally mucho safe...

relax gringo

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 11:01 | 2334486 LFMayor
LFMayor's picture

by all means, pack your shit and move asap!

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 14:26 | 2335257 PayneNita
PayneNita's picture

my classmate's sister makes $62 hourly on the laptop. She has been unemployed for 5 months but last month her pay check was $13843 just working on the laptop for a few hours. Read more on this web site ....  http://bit.ly/FPPP3j

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 09:52 | 2334256 idea_hamster
idea_hamster's picture

ZIRPocalypse, baby!

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 09:54 | 2334262 Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

There are gun stores in Manhattan??!?

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 09:58 | 2334282 Bobbyrib
Bobbyrib's picture

Ain't that a tease?

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:18 | 2334349 aerojet
aerojet's picture

There is one in NYC for cops only.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:34 | 2334403 Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

You know what's hilarious? There's an indoor shooting range in Manhattan where you can shoot .22 rifles. Only you can't shoot YOUR .22 rifle, you have to use theirs, and they are chained TO THE WALL.

New York City-- what a fucking joke that liberal hellhole is.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:42 | 2334433 ArrestBobRubin
ArrestBobRubin's picture

What do you expect, it's Hymietown. Run by mega-whiner and gun grabber Mayor Bloomberg for chrissakes...

Hymietown: that just happens to be the last true thing "Reverend" Jesse Jackson ever said

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 11:02 | 2334490 LFMayor
LFMayor's picture

Don't worry, it's not sustainable.  It's own mass and hubris will be it's undoing.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 11:54 | 2334665 Oh regional Indian
Oh regional Indian's picture

That city has truly bad energy. The underworld, literal and figurative, is crazy.

The link-seperated alcove where Mazzini and his family come for coffee and dessert. Italiano, all shiney in silk suit and bling.....

Totally surreal.

The bust will be terrific, awesome and terrible, all together.

I always got ticketed or towed.

Brooklyn Navy Yard.....

Memories...

ori

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 09:58 | 2334280 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

You know whay you never see? FAT zombies.

No why ?

Cause fat people can afford to stay in the house but those skinny low body fat assholes need to find food immediately cause they have no reserves to live off.

After the initial wave, in which all the low body fat fucks die and become zombies, the much thinner fat and obese people venture forward to claim the world.

They have sat staring out their windows and worked out a survival strategy based on all the low body fat assholes they watched die or get eaten.

 

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:09 | 2334320 LFMayor
LFMayor's picture

you keep right on rationalizing that to assuage your petty little ego, bubble ass.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:14 | 2334333 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

LFMayor

Put that on a shirt so I can recognize you from the others of your ilk.

I may just chain your Zombie ass in the backyard for laughs and blowgun practice.


Wed, 04/11/2012 - 11:03 | 2334496 LFMayor
LFMayor's picture

I believe the "blow" part, if that's any condolence.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:14 | 2334337 Toolshed
Toolshed's picture

"you keep right on rationalizing that to assuage your petty little ego, LARD ass."

 

There.....fixed it for you. Actually, chicks really dig a "bubble butt".

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:27 | 2334383 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

Toolshed

Another target for the blowgun.


Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:19 | 2334353 aerojet
aerojet's picture

Seriously, the fatties will die off first because they are big, soft, and weak.  Oh, not to mention, slow.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:30 | 2334390 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

aerojet

Low body fat means you have no reserves to draw on and start burning muscle.

How long can you burn muscle before you are too weak to move?

That's one of the reasons obese survive long hopspital stays better, they can draw on fat reserves for energy.

Just like nature designed.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 11:38 | 2334610 ljag
ljag's picture

Actually, your body consumes muscle first.......then fat... when you exercise. Sooner or later the obese must get off their fat asses and move. Unfortunately, when they do decide to get off the couch, they will find their muscle mass will not support their weight......causing the heart to pump faster......which usually ends...........in death or in this case...zombieland.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 12:55 | 2334636 Coldsun
Coldsun's picture

Yes, keep thinking about your l33t fat ninja survival skills while shooting up your insulin.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 12:00 | 2334682 Oh regional Indian
Oh regional Indian's picture

Gully Foil Troll Alert.

Or did Gully Sell his handle? Is there an underground market for ZH Handles? 

The Troll Exchange? Secret handshake? Third Knuckle, Ron Paul Style (oh nose, he is just grampy playing freemason, nothing to it)?

What is the bid? I can make some noize!

ori

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 12:05 | 2334706 MayIMommaDogFac...
MayIMommaDogFace2theBananaPatch's picture

How long can you burn muscle before you are too weak to move?

Long enough to get a case of the belly-lulz watching you die sudden death from cardiac arrest...

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 12:30 | 2334795 memyselfiu
memyselfiu's picture

If you're not seriously looking at yourself and your health and wondering what you'll do when there are no drugs or doctors to stave off your obesity fuelled death, then you are truly in denial.

There are advantages to carrying some body fat but it's certainly not much (quantity wise). You will also lose muscle mass before you lose fat, unless of course you are on a long run in which case fat reserves will begin to burn.

If you can't run at least 5 miles you're in feckin' trouble....

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 12:47 | 2334861 DosZap
DosZap's picture

If you can't run at least 5 miles you're in feckin' trouble.

If you HAVE to run 5 miles, your in trouble.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:43 | 2334430 10mm
10mm's picture

More of a target,not nimble,out of gas fast.Don't let one sit on you or squeze you too death.Or they can be used as barriers.Just kiddin,it would be very unfortunate for such a scene,but those on serious meds are gonna be a dandy.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 11:05 | 2334505 LFMayor
LFMayor's picture

they're also good for candles, oil lamps, and if you have hardwood ash, soap.  Run them about 5 minutes and it's just like clubbing baby seals, they wallow around on the ground and bellow when they're out of wind.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 11:19 | 2334551 James
James's picture

Being a tall and thin guy I was planning to do what that liposuction dr. in london does.

Pump fat during the day and bring it home to make bio-fuel at nite.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 11:45 | 2334626 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

Don't worry, they got him out of his house OK: 

http://www.firerescue1.com/fire-ems/articles/1269626-600-pound-hoarder-rescued-from-Pa-home/

Just wondering how GF thinks fat people can get away when they can't fit through the doors of their houses...

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 12:11 | 2334718 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

 

flag as awesome (1)

...they called in a hazmat team about 2:30 p.m. from the Westmoreland County Department of Public Safety to check an odor in the home.

Direct deposit of .gov benefits and home shopping For The Mother Fucking Win!!!

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:16 | 2334345 Spastica Rex
Spastica Rex's picture

+1 divergent thinking

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:18 | 2334354 Ricardo Pobre
Ricardo Pobre's picture

http://www.zombielandrules.com/zombieland-rule-1-cardio/

You are actually in direct conflict of rule #1 of surviving in Zombieland.  Good luck, fatty...

 

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 10:33 | 2334398 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

Ricardo Pobre

Rule one is stupid.

You can fast walk and out pace zombies. They are fucking slow.

You run you run blindly, get caught in dead ends where they box you in. Or you get winded and surrounded.

Numbers beat you then.

Looks good in the movies, and elicits a chuckle, but in the end a nonstarter.

Move steady and keep your head. That's how to live.


Wed, 04/11/2012 - 11:07 | 2334511 LFMayor
LFMayor's picture

Why don't you roll down to East St. Louis or a similar venue and do a taxonomy check on the local "zombies".   They move pretty fucking fast.

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 11:49 | 2334640 Axenolith
Axenolith's picture

You can fast walk and out pace zombies. They are fucking slow.

 

Not if they're rage virus 28 Days Later zombies, those bitches are fast, you need a couple M240 SLR's (See May 2011 Rifleman for info, $13,500) to thin those suckers out at a distance, and then probably have to be in MOP gear when what's left gets in shotgun range...

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 14:30 | 2335286 Calmyourself
Calmyourself's picture

That is what I HATE about zombie movies shotguns from three feet, the good guys never get blood in the eye or brain in the mouth, right..  Alot of that shit does not go out the exit but comes out the entrance wound pressurized and moving fast..

Wed, 04/11/2012 - 11:35 | 2334600 Imminent Crucible
Imminent Crucible's picture

Actually, MOST of the zombies I see, whether standing around downtown or serving as TSA agents at the airport, are FAT. This isn't a Cesar Romero film we're talking about. This is the real thing.

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