The Up-To-The-Minute Guide For Understanding Europe

Tyler Durden's picture

From Mark Grant, author of Out of the Box


From the Merriam-Webster Dictionary: "To express in different terms and especially different words: Paraphrase (2): to express in more comprehensible terms: Explain, Interpret"


“I hail, I congratulate”—little or no meaning; words spoken by every politician in Europe when someone does something, anything and has an actual value of about zero. A reference to Roman times where Caesar hailed the conquering heroes which is a species that has been extinct on the Continent for some years now. 

“I (we) will do everything to save the Euro”---we got ourselves into this mess and we will try to do something/anything to get out of it; rhetoric, hyperbole and more zero value talk. I am the head of the European Central Bank and this sentence was found in Chapter 18, paragraph three, “what to say to the Press when you have run out of things to say.” Chapter 18, paragraph four, by the way, is “divine right” and “the full support of God” so you may expect this shortly.

“End corruption, a more efficient tax system, sell government assets, debt to GDP ratio by (pick a date/any date), stop government waste, just asking for a delay, need more time, extension”---these are all Greekspeak for “Give us more money” and no other meaning should be appended to these phrases. These are all terms of the first sentence and then since any/all might be granted the second sentence will be since this or that has been granted that more money will be required to get there (about $50 billion at the present time).

“The debt to GDP ratio (pick a country/any country) will be X by the year (pick a year/any year)” has no bearing to anything in the real world and is not a mathematically based conclusion. These statements are manufactured by the IMF and created in the special secret room there built by Walt Disney & Co.

An example of practical usage:

“Christine what number should we use this time?”
“I don’t know Angela what does Mario think?”
“To which Mario are you referring Christine?”
“Do you think it really matters Angela?”
“Where is the Ouija Board anyway?”

“We are waiting for the Troika report.”---Of course we have seen the Troika report. It makes you want to throw up. We have everyone from the Finance Ministry to the janitor looking at it trying to figure out if there is anything at all that can be spun positively without invoking laughter in the Press. We have sent it to every government on the Continent and so far the best suggestion has been to use it for wallpaper in the lieu. We are using the computer at the Particle Accelerator in Cern, Switzerland in hopes that they can find something and the process time ends October 16 so we are waiting until then to make any announcements.

“We will decide after we have seen the Troika report.”---Is it cheaper to give them another $50 billion or tell them “no more money?” If we give them more money they will ask for another $50 billion in three months and we have elections coming up. We must balance the economic cost against the political cost. I like being Chancellor and don’t intend to lose the job because of the idiots in Athens.

“It is a great victory for Europe…we are not negotiating with either the IMF or the EU…the money is for the banks and not the country…we have valued the Real Estate correctly…the numbers are accurate;” all from the Prime Minister of Spain. Here we have proof positive that Spain is a major drug producing country. They are not only producing various white powders but strong hypnotics, hallucinogens and other mind altering substances. Don Quixote has been found in Valencia and he is living with Timothy O’Leary and Elvis has returned to the house.

“We will raise the tax on the rich to 75%...we will increase Real Estate taxes for anyone that has had some success...all new taxes will be retroactive…everyone making any money will have to give most of it to everyone else so they can sit in the cafes and enjoy the croissants.” The President of France once took a course in economics at the Acadamie du Comedie but flunked it which is not public information and protected by the French courts. It turned out that the professor was from Marseilles and Hollande could not understand his accent. “Let them eat cake” worked for Marie Antoinette and it might work again. Where is Robespierre when we need him? Find Madame Defarge and offer her the Finance Ministry. 

“There will be no Referendum in Britain.” I know the country is a democracy but as Prime Minister this is an inappropriate question. The people in Dover and Manchester can’t spell Referendum much less understand what it means. The British people hated taking Latin in school and it is bad politics to remind them of the experience. I won’t get invited anymore to the fancy dinners in Brussels and our laws don’t allow for Champagne on the dinner vouchers. Britain doesn’t make any decent red wines and I will be cut-off and have to suffer. I am not a “Bangers and Mash” kind of chap.

“Mark Grant is writing mischievous comments.” This was found on the official government website of Ireland eighteen days before they went bankrupt. This phrase may soon appear on the Spanish website (“Mark Grant está escribiendo comentarios maliciosos”) and after that perhaps on the Italian website (“Mark Grant scrive commenti maliziosi”). The translation of “mischievous” here is quite tricky.  It means reading the writing on the wall, utilizing the complex mathematical propositions of addition and subtraction, having a rational basis for a conclusion and stating the obvious when those in power do not wish to hear it. [Please refer to “Eurospeak for Foreign Dummies” for a further explanation.]

“I want Greece to remain part of the Eurozone…”---Merkel, Hollande, Rajoy, Cameron, Kenney, Coelho, Katainen et al. This phrase is taken from the movie, “The Wizard of Oz,” and is generally attributed to Judy Garland and her famous song, “Somewhere over the Rainbow.”

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
High above the chimney tops,
That's where you'll find me.

"We are not asking for more money. We are asking for air to breathe as we plunge to the depths."

              -Greek Prime Minister Antonis Samaras on August 24, 2012

Here we have the new revival, the newest rendition of the Trojan horse; the play made famous by Odysseus, the famous Greek actor. It is a time tested Athens stratagem where, having gained admission, Pandora’s Box is unleashed. You will recall Virgil's famous line "Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes" (I fear Greeks even those bearing gifts). So it is not all Greek to you; the correct translation of Mr. Samaras’ comment is “Knock, Knock; Please let me in.”

"I don’t envisage, not even for one second, Greece leaving the euro area. This is nonsense. This is propaganda. We have to respect Greek democracy…


"When it becomes serious, you have to lie."

                 -Jean-Claude Juncker

No translation necessary

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GetZeeGold's picture



Forget's been revised.


The Up-To-The-Minute Guide For Understanding Europe....part deux.



Oh regional Indian's picture

Only slightly OT, how about an up to the second guide to America? Or is that Amerika? Or is that Amerikka?

Amerika, ja? Okay...

Enjoy/weep as called...




WakeUpPeeeeeople's picture

Guillotine them all, let God sort them out.

Mongo's picture

It's all ponzi to me

buzzsaw99's picture

grant is a great proponent of the ponzi and krony krapitalism bitchez

GetZeeGold's picture



I totally got screwed : Bernie Madoff


Ha ha bitchez : Jon Corzine


DOT's picture

Greece leaving the euro-zone will be reported as transitory. Transitory to what you may ask................any answer will be BULLISH !

oogs66's picture

I must be hungover because this one is harder to understand than usual

dannynewmexico's picture

Sooner or later the euro is going to collapse, Gerald Celente said that once the euro collapses

that the USA will follow in 6 weeks or less.

orangegeek's picture

Written and performed by World Party, UK.  1986.


Great song.  Lyrics.....well read 'em.


We're setting sail
To the place on the map from which no one has ever returned
Drawn by the promise of the joker and the fool
By the light of the crosses that burn
Drawn by the promise of the women and the lace
And the gold and the cotton and pearls
It's the place where they keep all the darkness you need
You sail away from the light of the world on this trip baby
Pay, you will pay tomorrow
You're gonna pay tomorrow
You will pay tomorrow
Save me, save me from tomorrow
I don't want to sail with this ship of fools, no no
Oh, save me, save me from tomorrow
I don't want to sail with this ship of fools, no no
I want to run and hide
Right now
Avarice and greed are gonna drive you over the endless sea
They will leave you drifting in the shallows
Drowning in the oceans of history
Travellin' the world, you're in search of no good
But I'm sure you'll build your Sodom like I knew you would
Using all the good people for your galley slaves
As your little boat struggles through the the warning waves
But you will pay, you will pay tomorrow
You're gonna pay tomorrow
You gonna pay tomorrow
Save me, save me from tomorrow
I don't want to sail with this ship of fools, no
Oh, save me, save me from tomorrow
I don't want to sail with this ship of fools, no
Where's it comin' from or where's it goin' to?
It's just a, it's just a ship of fools
All aboard

aleph0's picture


The onyl usefulness of these bEUrocrats that I can see is that they are real competition for all the TV Soaps.

Jimmy_86's picture

Heaven is a British policeman, a French cook, a German engineer, an Italian lover and a Swiss person organising everything. Hell is a British cook, a French engineer, a German policeman, a Swiss lover and an Italian organising everything. 



Ar-Pharazôn's picture

about italian fame of being good lovers i would not be that sure....


just look on their newspaper for all the transgender looking for work ;)

Ag1761's picture

Jean-Clade Junker’s famous words sum up the situation

“we all know what to do, we just don't know how to get re-elected after we've done it.”


francis_sawyer's picture

<=== The problem with Europe is that there are too many Europeans

<=== The problem with America is that there are too many Americans


See? francis_sawyer can divide & conquer with the best of 'em


Ar-Pharazôn's picture

fixed for you:


"The problem with Europe is that there are not enough Europeans"

dead hobo's picture

Back in my youth when I was but a lad building a career, I had a boss who always put decisions off rather than say no. If he said "I'm busy, ask me again in a couple of days (or weeks)", he meant no. But I used it as a challenge to try to use the time to get my way and often succeeded. He learned to hate me but I didn't care because I knew I could outlast him.

Greece is playing my game. Europe, however,  appears eternal and may be able to outlast Greece. Europe will delay until a rescue appears from the sky or Greece collapses under its own debt like a sick man falls over from a disease because he can't stand any longer. Unless aliens with free gold from Mars appear, I suspect Europe will stall until Greece involuntarily gives out at the knees. Then Europe will offer some platitude designed to confuse the markets, which will work for a couple of days. Finally, creditors with real debts will ask the hard questions and interest rates on European debt will rise astronomically until good answers arise.

Europe will never say No. It will try to platitude its way out of trouble.Greece, then Spain, will never stop asking.

So, I wold like to read a timetable of non negotiable deadlines for Greece and its hoped for handouts through the end of November.



vertexa's picture

Bundesbank President Jens Weidmann makes the cover of Der Spiegel, repeating his usual arguments against ECB purchases of sovereign debt. It sounds like a man resigned to losing the debate, but wanting to stay relevant to policy going forward (as opposed to following his predecessor Axel Weber by quitting).

Nachdenken's picture

Nice try, Mark Grant, trying to track and unravel Eurospeak.  Europe is run by entrenched unelected bureaucrats who run the institutions that rule Europe. 

Eurospeak is the language of those bureaucrats who control, they dont need to be articulate, or even honest.

TheFuture_MrGittes's picture

Referendum. I can spell the word*, therefore sCamoron is full o' shit.


*Ctrl C - Ctrl P did not assist in the formulation of this post.

dearth vader's picture

Juncker - doesn't mean in English what it meant in German.

Aren't they all "junkers" now?

Monedas's picture

Put them in a pressure chamber and slowly increase the pressure to 20 atmospheres .... blow the hatch with explosive bolts .... inflated, puffed Eurocrats shot from a cannon .... sprinkle with sugar .... add milk .... slop the Socialist cosmo !

pashley1411's picture

While appreciating the humor, the idea of a currency union without fiscal union needs to be recognized as the fiscal Black Plague it is.    Scewered on the horn of a unicorn.

The Europeans burned witches for decades, why can't they turn their energies in a positive direction and burn a few politicians? 

Ar-Pharazôn's picture

fiscal union was not the problem and not even the solution

mikmid's picture

They should add the translation of WE ARE FUCKED AND THE BANKERS DID IT.

Darkness's picture

Remeber, "We will do everything to save the Euro", until we can't do anything more and it implodes. 

monad's picture

Thank you for your TARP & MF Global contributions to our unification efforts. Other than fine Spanish wines, excellent Italian coffee, exquisite French cuisine and rich German beer, and some surveillance equipment & riot gear, here is what we spent your money on:

Inflation Island

Really. In 30 languages even, it helps to ease into the harsh. 

fiddy pence haff pound's picture

When is a Eurobond not a Eurobond? When Draghi has called it something

else so as not to shock the markets (and the Germ Cen Bank) as he bails out Spain and Italy.

Draghi is an alchemist. He's also going to print money to pay off his lost

money invested in Greek bonds.

what about Merkel saying no to Eurobonds and giving money to Greece when

that's she's doing the opposite. She'll win the election next year and then

brick up the doors on the German Central bank and the Constitutional court.