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As Obama Discusses His Job Creation Plan, Bank Of America Releases Details Of 30,000 Job Cuts

Tyler Durden's picture


The irony; Just as Sgt. Obama had the not so lonely unemployed club band huddled around him to tell America to "PASS THIS BILL", literally that very minute Bank of America released a statement it is sacking 30,000. Because Banana republic is so 2010, we are now officially an Onion republic.

Bank of America Issues Statement on New BAC

Business Wire

CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- September 12, 2011

Bank of America today issued the following statement following the company's presentation at the Barclays Capital 2011 Global Financial Services Conference.

Bank of America’s Project New BAC is key to the company's strategy of focusing all of its resources on serving individuals, companies, and institutional investors.

The first result of New BAC was the recently announced management reorganization, removing a layer of management and streamlining the company by aligning its businesses with the customer groups.

This reorganization follows on work that started in January 2010. The company continues to sell non-core business units and assets that don’t support its strategy, thereby strengthening the balance sheet, and improving capital and liquidity.

Phase I nearing completion

Bank of America is nearing the end of the first phase of a comprehensive review of its consumer businesses and support functions. As the company implements the thousands of decisions from Project New BAC over time, it intends to become a more focused, leaner, and more efficient company, providing all of its customers and clients with the best financial services, generating strong revenues, carefully managing expenses and risks, and delivering long-term value for shareholders.

Bank of America's goal is not a given number of job reductions, but rather implementation of New BAC decisions. As the decisions are implemented, employment levels in the areas under review during Phase I are expected to be reduced by approximately 30,000 jobs over the next few years. The company expects that attrition and the elimination of appropriate unfilled roles will be a significant part of the anticipated decrease in jobs.

Full implementation of approved ideas in Phase I is expected to lead to net expense reductions of $5 billion per year by 2014, on a baseline of $27 billion in annual expenses for the areas the company reviewed.

New BAC Phase II is scheduled to begin in October and continue through March 2012, and cover those businesses and operations that were not reviewed in Phase I.


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Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:19 | 1659697 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture

Pass the peas, please!

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:25 | 1659731 X.inf.capt
X.inf.capt's picture

and a BIG STICK!

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:29 | 1659756 AldousHuxley
AldousHuxley's picture

Time for wall st. and financial industry to feel the pain.


Keep in mind 30k is still only around 10% of total. They need to lay off 150k to truely reflect the economy.


Main st. already have gone through that.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:38 | 1659791 Robslob
Robslob's picture

Keep in mind 30k is still only around 10% of total. They need to lay off 150k to truely reflect the economy.


You talking about BofA or the Government...lololololol

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:41 | 1659807 Careless Whisper
Careless Whisper's picture

presenting Monica Lewis (no relation)

maestro... music please...


Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:57 | 1659862 Shocker
Shocker's picture

The numbers don't lie. If banks can't make it in the current enivroment, how do you think theses other business are going to fair.

Its a real mess out there



Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:36 | 1659974 Oh regional Indian
Oh regional Indian's picture

Bad as they look, it's clearly to be done over a few years. Which, in this case is an appearence of can kicking because they know a shit-storm of humongous proportions is coming.

All this is such macabre theater. And peopel actually listen and navigate their lives according to such inputs.



Why America Became a  Powerhouse

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 14:58 | 1660615 A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000's picture

Let's see. I get free money at least until 2013 and loan it back to the Gov't at 3% for a profit of infinity.


Yeah, that's tough investing environment

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:41 | 1659808 duo
duo's picture

The government is a branch of BofA

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 14:22 | 1660317 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture




Bank of America®. Bank of Opportunity™.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:42 | 1659810 DoChenRollingBearing
DoChenRollingBearing's picture

All those people standing around Obama did not look like B of A people to me. They looked like SEIU people!

Terrific.  More public sector jobs and B of A laying off 30k.  I would not know if 30k will help BAC much or not.  Bloating our public payrolls most definitely will NOT.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 13:17 | 1659900 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

Robslob      You talking about BofA or the Government...


The federal government needs to lay off 810,000 employees (this doesn't include categories of workers either directly working for the federal government, but being paid by 'contractors,' nor workers who now have jobs but wouldn't if these size of cuts took place, so the tally would be closer to 1.2 million at the federal level lone), and state and local government needs to lay off 3,300,000 employees, in order to see the same proportion of downsizing that Main Street has seen.

This would save Americans 15%  on taxes, regulatory-licensing-permit-etc. fees and other kleptocratic, wealth transfer scams.


*There are now just under 25 million unemployed Americans aged 18 to 60 (from 6.5 million in 2000), and just under 46 million SNAP (food stamp) recipients (from 17 million in 2000).

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 13:12 | 1660092 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

is there a a difference?

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:40 | 1659804 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

Firing tellers is not Wall St feeling the pain; repealing Glass-Steagall would be a start.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:43 | 1659812 DoChenRollingBearing
DoChenRollingBearing's picture

h_h, great observation.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:46 | 1659817 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

I meant to say reinstating (obviously...I hope).


Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:52 | 1659855 aquagreen73s
aquagreen73s's picture

Knew what you meant, and it was a great comment.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 13:14 | 1660100 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

funny how "pain" is now defined as necessary regulation. They really have moved us way off the goal line

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:46 | 1659826 r101958
r101958's picture

How about discontinuing 'mark to fantasy' as well?

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:52 | 1659851 Arthor Bearing
Arthor Bearing's picture

Lower of cost or market, only. Balance sheets would get real honest real fast

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 14:07 | 1660267 A Nanny Moose
A Nanny Moose's picture

How about no more bailouts? Failure is the best regulation.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:08 | 1659881 FreedomGuy
FreedomGuy's picture

Firing your local branch managers is not the Ferrari class feeling the pain. I would add that 30k more people competing for jobs and drawing unemployment doesn't make any of us better off.

If I recall, the Obama medical plan comes with no new medical people but there were 16,000 new IRS agents. So, the government could soak up half those job losses. They're probably good with numbers and fraud.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:42 | 1659998 AldousHuxley
AldousHuxley's picture

"Project New BAC"


"The 3,500 sent packing this quarter will include "hundreds" of employees in investment banking and trading, with about 3%-5% of those divisions eliminated."

The first phase of the project began in May and involves an examination of the consumer side of the bank.

Those operations range from retail branches to mortgages to marketing and human resources. About 160,000 employees, or 55% of the bank’s total head count, work in consumer-related businesses.

Some belt-tightening is underway. Bank of America dumped 63 unprofitable branches in the second quarter and intends to close 750 of its roughly 5,700 branches in the next few years. The bank’s branches currently employ between 60,000 and 70,000 workers, said a person familiar with the situation.

The second phase of Project New BAC is expected to begin in October and focus on the bank’s commercial units: investment banking, trading, wealth management and corporate banking.


Look at this chart. BAC needs to go back to pre 2002 employee levels:

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:08 | 1659880 Cindy_Dies_In_T...
Cindy_Dies_In_The_End's picture

Looks like a Banksta Middle Finger to Obama to me. Ah well, 30,000? Just a bunch of little people while Elephants dance on the grass and crush it.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:46 | 1659825 Frozen IcQb
Frozen IcQb's picture

Hoping it's a Top-Down process

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:26 | 1659945 Greater Fool
Greater Fool's picture

In competence terms, BAC has been losing their top people for years now.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 13:15 | 1660105 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

topless always appeals (or is that ap. peals)

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:20 | 1659700 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

I saw a headline earlier stating 40,000, so this is bullish, right?

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:22 | 1659717 dwdollar
dwdollar's picture

Yeah pretty much.  Those ex-employees should do well as construction workers.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:39 | 1659797 Mike2756
Mike2756's picture

Just like these guys.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:01 | 1659867 Poetic injustice
Poetic injustice's picture

You mean highly qualified shovel-ready workers?
I suspect that Bachelor alone will not be enough to get those jobs.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:13 | 1659899 cbxer55
cbxer55's picture

Remember that the USPS is trying to axe 220,000 folks. 120,000 firings and another 100,000 by natural attrition. THat oughta make them friday unemployment numbers real bullish!

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:25 | 1659732 doomandbloom
doomandbloom's picture

yes, very bullish, better than expected.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:20 | 1659705 EscapeKey
EscapeKey's picture

Yes, but LAST week, this figure was 40k. And the DJIA resumeth rallying...

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:50 | 1659842 BorisTheBlade
BorisTheBlade's picture

I think DJIA would rally even in case 30,000 were in addition to 40,000 last week, still bullish since speed of firing decreased and is approaching bottom, even if together with total labour force.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:21 | 1659708 TradingJoe
TradingJoe's picture


Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:25 | 1659733 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

YEA and its all magically pre-paid for!

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:44 | 1659814 DoChenRollingBearing
DoChenRollingBearing's picture

That's what he said!  All paid for!

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 13:06 | 1660071 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

I am worried watching Obama's "Stimulous Package Porn Show" unfold. I feel so dirty, so tin hat saying it, but here goes:

I believe that this whole thing is a drama designed in such a way that the dems and reps act out a "fight" in front of the world, then come to a resolution. Obama looks like a "decisive leader," congress looks like they can coordinate something, there is a "plan" in place, and, brace for it, WE GET OUR DOWNGRADE TRANFORMED INTO AN UPGRADE (we would, after all, show the world how together we are compared to others, right?). Dollar stronger, improvement documented (gotta give the new program time to work, right?), hope, change, TREASURIES SELL (oh so safe a haven, bitches), the debt ceiling has permission to come up again, and we kick our can down the road for a while longer. Plus he tries to fix some of the housing mess by doing re-fis where possible. Bankers love him because their worthless trash becomes worth more with the new document signing.

I just keep seeing how the press is trying to make him seem like a strong, competent, historical (barf, choke) kind of figure. Then RE-ELECTION bitches.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 13:22 | 1660126 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

No offense but I hope you're 100% wrong...and if he goes down in history, I hope it's as the president that made Carter look good.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 13:50 | 1660171 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

I don't want to be right. I put that out there to be argued against. The sell that he is "strong" is intense right now. Could be they are just trying to get him to look better for re-election, and no more. If it does not pass he says "See I tried." But that looks weak. I see something more monstrous here.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 14:24 | 1660327 andybev01
andybev01's picture

Marry me, MsCreant <3

Tue, 09/13/2011 - 01:49 | 1662699 IQ 145
IQ 145's picture

He already made George Bush look like a kind wise and benevolent national leader. Carter is a stretch, I think.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 13:24 | 1660132 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

It is gross to watch as much to listen. The last thing any of these con men want is a stronger dollar. Once the rest of the world joins in the cheaper currency war, everyones bread will rise while their dough deflates.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 13:44 | 1660191 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

I thought about that too. But a stonger dollar for a short while would take down PMs in US $, get folks off our back about the reserve currency status, and make us look like we were "turning around" when eveyone else is going in the toilet. Not that it would be real.

Please tell me I am wrong, but I am getting pissed and creeped out the more I see.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 13:58 | 1660231 RichardENixon
RichardENixon's picture

You're right MsCreant. Those who think it's a lock that Obama will be a one termer are in for a shock in 2012.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 16:47 | 1661286 Blano
Blano's picture

I'm one of those who hope he's a one termer, but your odds of being right are indeed a lot higher than a lot of folks can or will admit.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 14:37 | 1660329 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

seems to me they've backed themselves into a corner. Poor planning will do that. Can't pay an unpayable debt without weakening your currency. Can't keep gold down while you do the other. Most empires think they can do anything which is the very thing that ends them.

we'll be just like Rome in the end, totally corrupt with a few good places to eat. No Vatican art but a regular draw to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 20:06 | 1661860 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

So, you should write for the X-Files!  (Nah, no one could possibly believe such a convoluted plot!) :>D

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:21 | 1659710 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Fuck the paper-pushing fucknuts, they made a deal with the devil, time for your souls motherfuckers.  A step in the right direction as far as I am concerned.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:36 | 1659781 CrimsonAvenger
CrimsonAvenger's picture

Unnecessarily harsh. I agree that the system has to blow up and that there's some serious evil behind the scenes, but the people about to get the axe aren't the masterminds - they're poor dumb saps like you and me, trying to get the best pay they can in this world. They're just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Lighten up and have some compassion.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:11 | 1659894 FreedomGuy
FreedomGuy's picture

I agree. In an economy everything is connected to everything whether its proximal or distal. A couple local branches close and the sandwich shop and garage go belly up, too. These things have ripples.

I wouldn't mind the management class who made the stupid decisions being unemployed, but they got their cash and they always escape or are at least insulated.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:20 | 1659919 e-recep
e-recep's picture

Do you really believe that they wouldn't do the same if they were in the shoes of the top devils? Guillotine for all bankers and financiers! Now!

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:22 | 1659932 CrimsonAvenger
CrimsonAvenger's picture

Okay, so that whole "innocent until proven guilty" thing, not such a big hit with you. Got it.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:50 | 1659847 LongBallsShortBrains
LongBallsShortBrains's picture

"Fuck the paper-pushing fucknuts, they made a deal with the devil, time for your souls motherfuckers.  A step in the right direction as far as I am concerned."



I don't think they have souls. 


I like your idea but I wouldn't fuck those paper-pushing fucknuts, even with Robottrader's tool.



A small step in the right direction... I agree.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 20:08 | 1661864 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Yo, I find your avatar...disturbing. (Meatbag!)

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:29 | 1659720 vast-dom
vast-dom's picture


Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:23 | 1659721 aerial view
aerial view's picture

Please, just lay off all your workers and the world will be better off!

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:23 | 1659722 Falcon15
Falcon15's picture

Obama speech - EPIC FAIL. BoA going down in flames - burn, baby, burn. Please, sir, may I have another?

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:23 | 1659723 Cdad
Cdad's picture bankers....FASTER!  Why put off until 2012 what the nation needs done today?

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:27 | 1659736 doomandbloom
doomandbloom's picture

in the hope that people will forget and forgive by then...

look at the new UK regulations ( to ringfence Investment banking)..which needs to be done by 2019!!! what a joke.

Tue, 09/13/2011 - 06:19 | 1660086 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture


Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:23 | 1659725 boiltherich
boiltherich's picture

Maybe SocGen will bail them out eh?  Or Unicredit. 

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:24 | 1659727 SparkySC
SparkySC's picture


Gotta go through pain first so there may be a chance of healing in the future.



O'Bummer is fixing the unemployment issue one job cut and plant closing at a time.


Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:24 | 1659729 Aloysian
Aloysian's picture

In March 2012, New BAC would go straight to Phase Fuckup Infinity

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:26 | 1659735 digalert
digalert's picture



CONgress and Holder now call for BAC officials to testify under oath, why they demean the TOTUS and Barama too, during his victory lap, world saving jobs plan. Buffet said to attend hearings.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:30 | 1659760 Ruffcut
Ruffcut's picture

Testify under oath? Like that means anything. In front of their own suckasses.

Are members of congress included in the 30k layoffs??

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:27 | 1659737 Havana White
Havana White's picture

Is this like New Coke?

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:27 | 1659743 slackrabbit
slackrabbit's picture

A little bit a bad news...and a bit a badder news

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:28 | 1659744 LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

This is why Saturday Night Live ratings are down...the real-life skits are funnier.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:30 | 1659758 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture

Nice avatar, Soup.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:30 | 1659761 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

Impossible to out-skit reality today.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:28 | 1659745 machineh
machineh's picture

Relax -- these 30,000 well-trained bureaucrats will be eminently qualified to move into higher-paying government jobs.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:28 | 1659746 tocointhephrase
tocointhephrase's picture


Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:28 | 1659748 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

lay off peons so execs kin haz bigger bonus.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:49 | 1659838 Josh Randall
Josh Randall's picture

Attrition will continue untl morale improves

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:29 | 1659751 Caviar Emptor
Caviar Emptor's picture

We need to hire  more people to process unemployment claims! 

See? There's a silver lining if you look for it

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:36 | 1659783 The Third Man
The Third Man's picture

from the hilarious Cheech & Chong album, Sister Mary Elephant:

....Now class, Sister Rosetta has informed me that your assignment for the last two months has been to write an essay in titled How I Spent My Summer Vacation. Who would like to read theirs before the class?
Class? Class!? Cla-- SHUT UP!!!!! Thank you.
Young man in the first row, stand up, state your name, and read your essay.

Who me?

Yes. Read your essay, please!

Uh, I don`t have it finished yet.

Well then, read what you have, young man!

Okay. The first day on my vacation, what I did on my summer vacation, the first day on my vacation, I woke up. Then, I went downtown to look for job. Then I hung out in front of the drugstore. The second day on my summer vacation, I woke up, then I went downtown to look for a job. Then I hung out in front of the drugstore. The third day on my summer vacation, I woke up...

Now that`s fine, young man!

...Then I went downtown to look for a job...

Now that`s fine, young man!

...Then I got a job, keeping people from hanging out in front of the drugstore. The fourth day on my...

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:29 | 1659752 PulauHantu29
PulauHantu29's picture

Shovel ready jobs waiting for them.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:29 | 1659753 Cursive
Cursive's picture

Sweet irony.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:29 | 1659754 mr1963
mr1963's picture

They have to pay the government levies, fines, and regulations somehow. Straight transfer to the government...

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:29 | 1659755 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

Yes, but I heard a new QE3 rumor today! All is WELL!

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:33 | 1659769 EscapeKey
EscapeKey's picture

More anti-perestroika.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:30 | 1659757 cabtrom
cabtrom's picture

Yea soooooo, unemployment insurance picks up the tab now. We the taxpayer STILL footing the bill right? Isn't this revenue neutral?

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:36 | 1659778 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

I'll take revenue neutral over the revenue-negative bailout option.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:31 | 1659764 csmith
csmith's picture

Everyone is asking for "specific" examples of employers refusing to hire (or laying people off) as a result of the regulations promulgated from DC. BAC's announcement today is exhibit "A". Dodd-Frank is crushing the fee income line for major retail banks and this is one result.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:36 | 1659784 snowball777
snowball777's picture

Logic FAIL. Dodd-Frank didn't make BAC have insufficient reserves for their legal troubles, dumbfuck.


Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:39 | 1659794 11b40
11b40's picture

"Dodd-Frank is crushing the fee income line for major retail banks"

Which, I might add, should not even be a part of regular banking. 

Bring back Glass-Stegall.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 14:19 | 1660305 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

there was a period of time, a short one, where you would hear some of the losers on this hill talk this talk. Like our ethics and our budget, it has all but disappeared

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:31 | 1659765 Dineroguru
Dineroguru's picture

Quick-- Get Moynihan a good seat at the next Obama job conference.  Put him up there next to the other cronies in the Cabal like Buffet, Imelt, Dimon etc.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:31 | 1659766 Caviar Emptor
Caviar Emptor's picture

We need more shovel ready dudes to shovel the horse manure.....that makes them entre_manuers!

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:37 | 1659789 machineh
machineh's picture

Entremanuers are indispensible in a merde_ocracy!

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:17 | 1659914 Tuco Benedicto ...
Tuco Benedicto Pacifico Juan Maria Ramirez's picture

She was only the farmer's daughter but all the horse manure.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:35 | 1659771 Cdad
Cdad's picture

News Flash.....BlowHorn [CNBC]...11:30 est...Europe go home crowd:

"We're off our lows."  No shit?

Sorry....I have yet to have my US govt. issued frontal labotomy...and so cannot buy the fucking.....ramp [BTFR].

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:44 | 1659816 Cdad
Cdad's picture

Europe Goes Home trade last exactly 7 minutes before sell aglos resume.  Nice.  There goes yet another criminal syndicate Wall Street investing myth.  The half life on that one is about...what...a month?

Please fire 60,000 BAC empolyees Mr.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:51 | 1659848 Cdad
Cdad's picture

NEWS FLASH....Peter Costa....NYSE floor:

"We're just floating on air."  Meaning...invest in Floating on Air?  WTF?  I'm not familiar with the FOA trade.  Anyone?

NEWS FLASH...Peter Costa....NYSE floor...speaking in tongues on techs called.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:08 | 1659879 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

Invest on tightrope walking across the Grand Canyon on an old frayed rope! INVEST minions, INVEST!!

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:34 | 1659773 the black arrow
the black arrow's picture

I was a bac customer years ago.Seemed to me, at least where i live , there wernt americans working there. Fewer banks and bankers can only be a good thing.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:34 | 1659774 lunaticfringe
lunaticfringe's picture

This is all pro-active. I am positive that BAC is an acquistion target. I don't know what makes me happier- Warren screwing the pooch or the US taxpayer getting stuck with this zombie mess. Make Goldman take it. Fuckers.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:52 | 1660022 Greater Fool
Greater Fool's picture

Ha. Goldman would rather have an outbreak of chronic explosive diarrhea than (a) a commercial bank's operations, (b) a commercial bank's balance sheet, or (c) what remains of ML.

There is a reason Citi never really "sold itself," except to Treasury. Nobody who's big enough to do it wants anything to do with that mess. Except maybe China, but it'll be a cold day in hell before Congress lets that happen.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:34 | 1659775 snowball777
snowball777's picture

Unless Moynihan and a host of other execs were among them, what will this really solve?

Here's hoping those relieved of employment can spill some nasty dirt on the Bank of Lynching America Countrywide.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:35 | 1659776 Yogibear101
Yogibear101's picture

They'll start with firing all the janitors...oh wait, they outsourced those tasks, my bad.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:36 | 1659782 John Law Lives
John Law Lives's picture

Who needs jobs when the Chairsatan can hint of QE and goose the markets...

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:37 | 1659786 citta vritti
citta vritti's picture

calling it "Project New BAC" is an insult to wookies

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 14:27 | 1660316 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

Project for a New American Misery

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:38 | 1659790 Miss Expectations
Miss Expectations's picture

Jeez, we need a way to simulcast.

Here's the visual for Bank of America:

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:56 | 1659860 LongBallsShortBrains
LongBallsShortBrains's picture



Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:01 | 1659866 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture



The Benefits of a Scrotal Lift

Large scrotum can make a man self-conscious about his body and can make some physical activities uncomfortable or even painful. By tightening the scrotal muscle and skin, discomfort and irritation can be greatly reduced. Some men who before were self-conscious in the bedroom (usually due to a one time comment from their partner) often feel relieved and have more sexual self-confidence.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 13:01 | 1660055 Liquid Courage
Liquid Courage's picture

(usually due to a one time comment from their partner) ... who could resist a set-up line like that!?

Not me! What'd she say?: "Geeze hon, do you have to throw those over your shoulder to keep from stepping on them?"

Girls can be so cruel.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 13:22 | 1660128 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

This is what I heard:

"Geeze hon, throw those over your shoulder, I get distracted when they slap against my head."

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 13:30 | 1660155 Liquid Courage
Liquid Courage's picture

"Just let them hang out your shirt collar and people will think you're wearing an ascot!"

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 13:33 | 1660164 Liquid Courage
Liquid Courage's picture

How about: "When you said you came with a lot of 'baggage' I thought you were talking about your divorce"

Ha! I can't stop!

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 13:47 | 1660204 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

"Honey, why so testy?"

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:39 | 1659796 msmith
msmith's picture

It's all too late.  Also bubble have to self correct, and stimulus only makes it worse sometime.  Here is a full market analysis that summarizes the markets

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:40 | 1659803 pappyhlace
pappyhlace's picture


Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:44 | 1659815 Hansel
Hansel's picture

Here's the "PASS THIS BILL" montage of Obama's speech:

Pass this bill


Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:45 | 1659819 King_of_simpletons
King_of_simpletons's picture

Wall Street and DC exist in Second Life ( only. We are somehow in this matrix where the rules are different.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:45 | 1659821 CassandraTOL
CassandraTOL's picture

OK, I get it.

Those 30,000 laid off bank employees are going to pay the saleries of  Democratic Illinois State and Chicago employees.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:47 | 1659827 marcusfenix
marcusfenix's picture

POTUS-"I have a plan, to create jobs and get the economy back on track"

Average joe- "and that would be?"

POTUS-  "450 billion dollars"

Average joe-"?"

POTUS- "and the best part's already paid for"

Average joe- " but the fed is already running a 1.3 trillion dollar deficit"

POTUS- "450 billion dollars and there will be jobs, good jobs for every American who wants one..."

Average joe- "but..."

POTUS- "450 billion dollars and there will be peas in every pot, solar panels on every roof..."

Average joe- " but the solar plant went bankrupt, the USPS is about to do the same, BoA is laying of 30,000 workers and NFP printed at zero..."

POTUS- "450 billion what we need to act now, Americans can't afford to wait...

Average Joe- " but Mr. POTUS where is the money going to come from?"

POTUS- "450 billion dollars...and it's already paid for, it's the right thing to do, right now"

Average joe's head,out of irritation and frustration, simply explodes...

POTUS- " you see my plan to reduce unemployment is working already..."


Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:07 | 1659877 lunaticfringe
lunaticfringe's picture

Suddenly, while staring down a 12 footer for bogey, it hit me. We have a fucking jobs crisis!! An emergency. Why didn't someone tell me about this sooner??

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:53 | 1659828 plocequ1
plocequ1's picture

That means the jobs bill is not working. See, Im smart..  not like everyone says , Like dumb.. im  smart and i want respect

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:47 | 1659829 SwingForce
SwingForce's picture

Obie should offer Moynihan an office next to Immelt's, Jobs & Taxes.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:49 | 1659837 oa92000
oa92000's picture



are you awared Job is nothing to do with company earning??

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:50 | 1659841 AC_Doctor
AC_Doctor's picture

Maybe we could outsource the brownish douchesack, his cabinet and about 99% of Congress...

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:50 | 1659844 monopoly
monopoly's picture

And you want me to sell my miners and gold. I don't think so.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:52 | 1659854 oa92000
oa92000's picture

whendid he say tha?

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:52 | 1659850 John McCloy
John McCloy's picture

   This is a "assistance in getting me elected bill" majority of these newly printined Bennies are going to keep teachers and the unions on life support and nothing else. Want to know what these shovel ready jobs are consisting off? Here is what I witnessed last year. Many of the metal barriers along the platforms of the LIRR which are made of aluminum and only about 7 years old were completely replaced at each station. They were pulled down and new ones installed. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the existing rails aside from them being a little dull.

     They then replaced the perfectly good traction pads with brand new traction pads. These are the frivolous projects that make government so inept and nothing but a laundering service for insiders getting their hands on tax payers money. The MTA was given 1.1 billion dollars and I can assure you the majority of it was to keep those bloated pension checks coming. In the meantime they jacked priced on monthly tickets from 212 to 238 in one year.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:54 | 1659858 Lady Heather...UNCLE
Lady Heather...UNCLE's picture

A perspective from afar (New Zealand) : Obama came in under difficult conditions and 'looked (and sounded) the goods' to right a listing ship. But he has been a TERRIBLE president. The phrase :"New boss, just like the old one" springs to mind.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 14:26 | 1660335 MachoMan
MachoMan's picture

He looked like he could fight gravity?  The blueprint for change, as general as it was, appeared to be an answer?

The simple fact is that the country elected a used car salesman...  and a piss poor one at that (needing a teleprompter and all to give puffery).  The country was so desperate for change, it forgot to actually look at the resume and conduct an interview...  not that there was any candidate that would successfully fight gravity (we're seldom given a viable choice), but there may have been some that could suck less at the task assigned. 

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:03 | 1659859 Mr Lennon Hendrix
Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

In front of America's face is the jobs carrot, and it will never be eaten because there are no jobs.  They have been shipped over seas so the corporations, the very same ones that have their heads in the White House, can benefit from slave labor.  The American system is once again funded from slave labor, yet has it ever not been?

As all eyes are on Obama and his magic Jobs Program the other side of the world burns in a blistering Hell.  NATO troops are destroying the culture and society of Africa.  The destabolization is making the earth softer so that the Military Industrial Complex can stick itself in easier when it needs the commodities to continue ruling the world.

The pawns have the peons destracted:  America goes about its little way.  So where are the knowing?  Where are the hippies that pride themselves in standing up for equal rights?  What about the gays, are they so selfish that they can stand up for themselves but not for the Third World?  Same for the Pro Lifers?  And Pro Choice- where is the choice for the beheaded civilians?  What about the Republicans that do not want to pay taxes?  American taxes are killing innocent civillians as we speak!

Click to read:

Former Congressman: ‘I Saw NATO Troops Behead Libyans’
Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:00 | 1659864 EdwardTeach
EdwardTeach's picture

Makes perfect sense really Lay off 30,000 people now, and collect 4,000 dollars per each rehire later.

Net profit 120,000,000 for next years bonuses. Not bad If you think about it.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 14:10 | 1660278 RichardENixon
RichardENixon's picture

I think that's called "churning"

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:01 | 1659868 stormsailor
stormsailor's picture

OBUMMER,  short 20 /es at 1141.   never knew the market not to tank when the teleprompter in chief was involved

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:37 | 1659869 ATG
ATG's picture

The irony; Just as Sgt. Obama had the not so lonely unemployed club band huddled around him to tell America to "PASS THIS BILL", literally that very minute Bank of America released a statement it is sacking 30,000. Because Banana republic is so 2010, we are now officially an Onion republic.

One of your best intro's TD

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:02 | 1659871 Lady Heather...UNCLE
Lady Heather...UNCLE's picture

@marcusfenix :LOL!!!!!!

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:21 | 1659923 marcusfenix
marcusfenix's picture

thanx- here in the good ol' USA inc. you really only have three choices (unless you are one of the many who have irrevocably swallowed the blue pill)  laugh, cry or go insane.

my day usually consists of some combination of the three...

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:03 | 1659872 Hugh_Jorgan
Hugh_Jorgan's picture

BHO and his crew will simply create a new Federal Department of Federal Departments. This will "create" 30,000 new government jobs to replace the lost ones. The "FDOFD", I like the way that sounds.

See... there, FIXED!

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:39 | 1659986 ATG
ATG's picture

Before too long may become Feral Department of Feral Deportments

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:06 | 1659875 DarkStarDog
DarkStarDog's picture

Record Bonuses and Platinum parachutes. They've stolen all they can, time to retire in the plush well stock underground bunkers.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:08 | 1659878 Moneyswirth
Moneyswirth's picture

Haha.  Not to worry.  The executive secretaries, the back-office support teams, the accounting people, the branch managers, the lenders, etc., all of them, soon to formelrly be of BAC will have plenty of opportunities shoveling god-knows-what, digging ditches, weahterizing hurricane-stricken homes, etc.

Because President Obama says he will.  When does anyone in this administration come to the realization that this is not 1933 America, where nearly 40% of the economy still worked on farms and have no trouble ditching their families to go to an Roosvelt-approved NRA camp somewhere to plant trees for a monthly government stipend? 

We must be pretty dumb, because the President is polling at around 40-45%, which means that almsot half of the voting population are complete idiots.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 13:04 | 1660066 Moe Howard
Moe Howard's picture

It was the CCC or Civilian Conservation Corps, and it was city kids, I know, my father was one. He was at a logging camp in Washington State. They got some hair cut / shoe shine money and the rest was mandated to be sent home to help support the family. He joined the Navy from there.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 15:24 | 1660793 lamont cranston
lamont cranston's picture

As bad as things are in Charlotte, I have run through 10+ new hires here in the last 3 months who can take about a week or so of hard physical labor (clean out crawl spaces, demo, etc.) and just don't show up. Doubt the BAC axed minions would be any different, if not worse.

Of course, the WAFFLE HOUSE is always hiring.


Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:10 | 1659887 10044
10044's picture

Has gold margin hike been announced yet? Get it over withu f'ers and HIKE it already

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:13 | 1659895 AC_Doctor
AC_Doctor's picture

30,000 making the same $$ for 2 years on Govt. sponsered unemployment and medical benefits.  Win, win for the American taxpayer...

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:14 | 1659901 robertocarlos
robertocarlos's picture

McD's is hiring 50k so that is a net of 20k jobs. Well done Obama.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:14 | 1659902 pelican
pelican's picture

Change you can believe in....

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:15 | 1659905 apberusdisvet
apberusdisvet's picture

The Birth Death Model will solve everything; unemployment rate to 6% by next summer.  All the unemployed in the FEMA camps will miraculously disappear.  Soylant Green franchizes become more ubiquitous than Starbucks.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:15 | 1659906 pelican
pelican's picture

Perhaps somone could answer this question for me....


Can CDS be taken against parts of the bank? 

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:19 | 1659918 Die Weiße Rose
Die Weiße Rose's picture

it really is a Mushroom Republic....

kept in the dark and fed on Bullshit

how does Warren Buffhead, the financial weapon of demented misconstruction

look to you now ?


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