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As Obama Discusses His Job Creation Plan, Bank Of America Releases Details Of 30,000 Job Cuts

Tyler Durden's picture


The irony; Just as Sgt. Obama had the not so lonely unemployed club band huddled around him to tell America to "PASS THIS BILL", literally that very minute Bank of America released a statement it is sacking 30,000. Because Banana republic is so 2010, we are now officially an Onion republic.

Bank of America Issues Statement on New BAC

Business Wire

CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- September 12, 2011

Bank of America today issued the following statement following the company's presentation at the Barclays Capital 2011 Global Financial Services Conference.

Bank of America’s Project New BAC is key to the company's strategy of focusing all of its resources on serving individuals, companies, and institutional investors.

The first result of New BAC was the recently announced management reorganization, removing a layer of management and streamlining the company by aligning its businesses with the customer groups.

This reorganization follows on work that started in January 2010. The company continues to sell non-core business units and assets that don’t support its strategy, thereby strengthening the balance sheet, and improving capital and liquidity.

Phase I nearing completion

Bank of America is nearing the end of the first phase of a comprehensive review of its consumer businesses and support functions. As the company implements the thousands of decisions from Project New BAC over time, it intends to become a more focused, leaner, and more efficient company, providing all of its customers and clients with the best financial services, generating strong revenues, carefully managing expenses and risks, and delivering long-term value for shareholders.

Bank of America's goal is not a given number of job reductions, but rather implementation of New BAC decisions. As the decisions are implemented, employment levels in the areas under review during Phase I are expected to be reduced by approximately 30,000 jobs over the next few years. The company expects that attrition and the elimination of appropriate unfilled roles will be a significant part of the anticipated decrease in jobs.

Full implementation of approved ideas in Phase I is expected to lead to net expense reductions of $5 billion per year by 2014, on a baseline of $27 billion in annual expenses for the areas the company reviewed.

New BAC Phase II is scheduled to begin in October and continue through March 2012, and cover those businesses and operations that were not reviewed in Phase I.


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Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:25 | 1659944 Atlantis Consigliore
Atlantis Consigliore's picture

Soupy Sales ( Soup Line )Schtimulus Plan,  as Carter 2.0;


put on the apron replace that Carter Sweater:.....

where are the cream pies to throw...?  foodstamps accepted.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:26 | 1659946 Eureka Springs
Eureka Springs's picture

I like onion republic... because the more layers you peel away, the more tears you have.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:31 | 1659959 Clark Bent
Clark Bent's picture

Were these thirty thousand employed executing false affidavits in the mortgage foreclosure litigation industry? Does this mean the government is going to simply buy all the mortgages and take them off the bank's books? Is the settlement almost ready?  

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:31 | 1659960 monopoly
monopoly's picture

Much needed healthy correction in gold and miners. Added miners here. This is absolutely needed from time to time. Nothing new here.

FCX a good tell on our "vibrant economy", geesh.

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:35 | 1659970 monopoly
monopoly's picture

Next hike on margins on gold will add to physical...again. Or are they anticipating that now and the "brilliant ones" are selling their gold?

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:38 | 1659979 alchemystic
alchemystic's picture

Boarding the Monorail, leaving Fantasyland, next stop, Adventureland, oh God I wish I could find my way back to Tom Sawyer's Island again

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 12:38 | 1659981 Diogenes
Diogenes's picture

In 1971 GM had 300,000 employees, B of A had 30000, the US had a viable economy and China was a third world country.

Now it's the other way around

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 14:13 | 1660291 janus
janus's picture

I reckon this is as good a place as any to post my 9/11 diatribe...

Yonder stands your janus with his gun/

Crying like a fire in the sun/

Look out now The Saints are commin through/

And it’s all over now, baby blue.


Well, janus knows it’s ‘late’; but it’s here nonetheless; I can feel it swelling in the tips of my fingers and coursing through my every member.  When I hear the far-off music, I know it’s time to begin.

When I was in the early stages of planning this, I fancied I’d post it in two parts, a North and a South; and each would hit ZeroHedge in a coordinated fashion, to correspond with the airplanes that struck the respective towers.  Janus likes symbolism.   But, as one of my new heros once said, “planning if for the poor, kid.”  (that’d be Robert Evans; in case yer curious)

And from my lack of planning came greater symbolism still: they (America) were to celebrate their symbolic ‘new year’s eve’ – the last day of their time.  Today marks a new day, ‘a symbolic day’ the turning of a page; a call to arms, a 'new year' or something like it.

Unhappy was I, when early yesterday, janus sat in front of this very screen as dead-witted as a neo-con screed crafter with a limp bone to pick.  There was me, dealing with a scenario he has never yet faced: namely, writer’s-block -- if you’re unable to pick up the most evident of subtleties.  I was rather alarmed.  I reckoned, ‘could God Above possibly hold objection to fruition of the very mission janus feels he came to ZH for to see through to its completion?’ 

‘Couldn’t be, could it?’, said he (i).

So janus turned the computer off with trembling and fear; could it be Jehovah had departed me, His dear?

There is only one way to manage such nadirs of The Spirit: fasting and prayer.  And janus submitted humbly to the same.  Seemed to make sense at the time.  It seemed proper-like to yield right of way to this last jingoistic orgy, this final filthy parade of chicanery!  And so janus, has not, for twenty-five hours plus, tasted food, nor turned on TV; nor has he surfed the web, neither checked the news.  Rather, and so that I would not boil over in manic-rage, I turned wholly to God – read Scripture, listened to all manner of music, read poems, looked out my window to watch the first-light scatter in spectrals across the clip of a gossamer wing…that kind of thing.  Oh, yes, janus is blessed; and janus takes his responsibility to the same VERY seriously.  And if you do, you should too.

Before I go any further, I’d like to address a comment I’m seeing with increasing frequency, and it can be boiled down to an essential: is janus legit?

Certainly something I don’t quite know how to answer.  Certainly something, however, that begs an answer.  I reckon I’d be a bit curious myself; seeing how I’d be able to recognize how special janus is.  So I will endeavor for a bit to do just such.  I’ll try to give an explantion:

Yes, I’ve been carefully articulating a false narrative; it’s based on lies and deceit and I’m so fuckin ‘fast’idious about it that every detail I’ve ever posted, or ever will post, on ZH matches up; nothing has, nor will it ever, contradict itself – it can’t, my plan is far too perfect! Mmmmwahahaha!

You see, lil bitchez, I’ve been crafting this thing for thirty-six unbelievable years and counting.  It’s a goddam masterpiece, I say – and you will too someday; just keep a readin…love me or hate me, just keep a readin, lil bitchez (janus knows you will – you cannot help it!)

Oh, but perhaps I’m one of the ‘lizard people’!  Look the fuck out – I’m a gonna transmogrify into something scaly and long…aaaagh!  Here it fuckin comes!  Oh shit, it’s the Brazen Serpent!

Ah!, there’s a clevah-fellah; indeed I’m far more than one person….thousands, perhaps, by now.  All of them wise, all of them consumed and metabolized by janus.  And on ZH I’ve been belting out the most barbaric belches anyone’s heard in a LONG time!  That’s satisfaction; and I do it out of Love.

Oh, there’s another wacky-jackie – I do indeed have O negative blood; so, there you go, I’m the progeny of some super-breed of space aliens who promised to return when things started goin sour. 

But who’s he working for?  Rome, Russia, Alex Jones, The Illuminati, The NWO, The CFR, The British Royal Family, German Dukes, Military Intel?

Who’s janus working for?  Well, I guess I’m at the point where I can confess that one; and proudly so.  I made a bargain with God; it went down like this:

Janus: Lord, if you make me the greatest living writer and speaker, and make me both of them at the same time, I’ll put them and me to your absolute and devoted service.

Jehovah: Ho! Ho! Ho! Wittle janus, not only will you submit them to absolute and UNQUESTIONING devotion (and, young en’, you have no IDEA what yer getting yerself into!), you will likewise fail to make ANY money from them…and if you do, you will lose them both – otherwise, they’re yours for the taking.  Understandeth?

Janus: Yes, Majesty!

The Everlasting: Good.   

That’s sorta the way gifts work…go and check out Samson if you doubt janus.  And, really, that’s a good place to start, with good ole Samson.  Seein how he brought down two towers, too; and seein how, when they came down, they landed on just at three thousand unsuspecting souls – just like back in the day…kinda creepy, kinda eerie – kinda prophetic!  Don’t believe janus; go and check The Record.  So, I’ll table Samson for now; but to him we shall return.

Some of you eggheads may say, ‘janus, you’re wasting this gift of yours being exclusively extemporaneous – you should edit, and pour over your words, select them with caution and care…that kind of thing; like we pros do it.’  Bah! I say, pedestrian and prosaic blather!  So few of you know how to carress the attention of your reader; how to massage it gently to consent, and then shock the fuck out of it, just to make sure the reader is thinkin for his/her self.  Learn from janus, bitchez!  (and, to satisfy another curiosity, I brag and boast to rub salt in the wounds of my haters – and I guarn-fuckin-tee it works like a CHAMP!)  I’m doin this fancy writin for you eggheads, after all. The speakin is for The People!  But you’ll learn about the speakin gifts in the not too distant future, janus suspects.  Janus is the Calvinist/existentialist/stream-of-REAL-consciousness/right-up-in-all-your-grills: the god of two faces!

Janus is many things indeed, but as it stands, we’re speaking about 9/11, ZH, The Oligarchy (best name for them, I suppose), janus, how and why he came to this, and, ultimately, what’s to come – and it’s commin SOON!  So I guess we’ll look back to the first time I saw Fight Club:

Anyone who follows janus will recall that he spent several months in Kuwait with some Scottish SAS badasses.  Well, one of the benefits of being in special ops and servin overseas is that you get to see first run movies about the same time they hit theaters; but, you’ve got to manage the screening on your own.

So there we were, drunk off our ass!  Janus, some of his bros, the Scottish sas guys, some camel spiders, tons of rocks of sand, a chilled desert breeze, a make-shift movie screen set up on the back of a pick-up, with an incandescent funnel of light shooting from a high-dollar projector (recently stolen from some shit-head Kuwaiti prince!  Dat’s right!  We swiped it from al jabar, bitchez!), bearing some images I faintly remember…something about a fat-assed/bitch-titted slob sobbin on ed nortons shirt; then brad pitt showin up on a plane (or maybe that’s reversed); then something about soap; and some bit about an occult fraternity; the sweet-assed, raw-dawg fight scenes; and, of course, the gratuitous plot to destroy the world.  That’s about all I remembered of the movie.  little did i realize what kind of import it would have in the life of janus; and janus his self!

It therefore seemed that a reviewing of said classic was in order.  And a fine idea it was indeed!  I decided to watch it while waiting on the porch; with my eyes facing forward; my chin nobly aimed at the future; arms straight; chest out; eyes lucid, glistening and intense!  Janus gets it.  Janus agrees.  janus was alert and paying rapt attention all the way through; he soaked  it in full-like, he did.  Janus also read the manifesto and all other cautionary lit published at ZH (and you should, too; it may help you understand much more than just janus).  Janus IS a soldier; he’s just reinlisted…but this time there was no need for oaths and all that mess.  Just bring a sense of HONOR with you to the porch; GLORY will come soon enough, bitchez!

How did janus get here; so recently jailed for writing a paper, and about nine years ago honorably discharged out of the Leviathan’s service?  How did he come through careers, fatherhood, faith, friendship, failure, some fortune, no fame, and finally to this level of fullness – and so far with only a few scars and sons to show for it all?

I can’t really say where it all began exactly.  There were hazy years; year after year after year in which I refused to believe that America could take part in something so dastardly and depraved!  But I sensed as much.  Or did I understand ‘america’; and just what do I mean when I say, “America”.  We’ll get to that stuff later; for now we’ll adhere to the narrative. 

I’ve been a ‘porch’ member of the CFR for years.  I have great respect for great minds.  It took A LOT to jar me loose.  I subscribe to more magazines than most of you will read in a lifetime; and all of them are jam-packed with brilliant folk, churnin out stellah work!  I love those guys.  Could chat with them all day.  But, I came to see the wickedness in them; and it was glowing in my mirror – louder and louder every day.

Janus was guilty long before he knew he did anything wrong.

But before I figured that out, I reckoned I’d try my hand workin through ‘the system’ (and let the following be a warning to all you young en’s about believing in ‘the system’ – DAMN IT ALL TO MISERY IN HELL!).  When janus sets his mind to something, he gets it done fairly grand-like.  Bout as soon as I decide to ply my might to this thing called politics, I was bein swept off to the democratic national convention of 2004 in boston, as a guest of the Michigan delegation (read: general motors).

So there was janus on the floor of the fleet center with the red badges (they were alright); wanderin around alone (as he’s keen to do); soakin it all it.  Lo and behold, what’s this high-yellah/barak Obama doin up on that stage!  Why, he’s passably black AND white!  WHy! He speaks with lucid thoughtfulness!  WHY!  He’s got himself some cache, he does!  Looks like janus was lookin at the future of his new party; and maybe, just maybe, the beginning of some real change – something with meat on it, dammit!!!

Next day I’m shuttled back and forth with all these young ‘future leaders’ of the democratic party…all these bull-shit ‘work-shops’ and brainstorming.  Really, it was just a bunch of impotent faggots masturbating with their mouths; knowing damn-well that nothing they say or do is going to make one whit of difference.  They say, oh, janus, you will write position papers!  Will i? bitchez? Will janus do such a fucking wasteful thing?  Oh, janus, you may have a future…with your background and your looks!  Why, we’re keepin an eye on you…janus mutha fuckin bets you are, bitchez!  Watch closely, now!  I’m finally settin to work on that goddam position paper you asked for…like it so far?

Anyway, so, the next night at the convention I was issued a different color badge, and allowed in a different section of the fleet center – the corporate belt (as I called it).   It was basically the box-seats converted into high-pressure sales-dens…here’s how it goes: you can’t quite distinguish among wife, mistress and prostitute, and, really, in such a setting, does it really matter?  In any event, they pour a mighty fine glass of red wine (janus is very weak for such) and they keep it a commin!  Then they put all dese bitches, fine-ass bitches, up in your face, charm the socks off you, flirt you to a craven lump of jello…and just about that time, ‘the man’ sidles up, sizes you up, gives his pitch calibrated to the estimates of who ‘you are’, usually in a sort of ‘three step drop’ fashion: the lobbyist goes from set up, to wind up to pitch in three short bursts…and tries to deliver a fast ball (something that’ll stick with you).  I got a kick out of it all…they thought I was someone special cause of where I was (and janus does have that ‘poured in’ look in a well-made suit)..

Well, as you may have guessed, janus had a message to pass along, too.  Janus also knows the value of focus and the benefits of driving home a single message – over and over and over.  And do you know what janus was preachin?  Well, I’ll confess yet more guilt: I was pitchin the Obama brand like nothing you’ve ever seen!  I swear that young president owes janus!  I was overcommin objections like a mutha-fucker!  Really, I’ve never, in my entire life, been beaten in any argument when I am determined to win (I will sometimes relent when I want the audience to see truth, after I’ve successfully played devil’s advocate in some dialectic or other)…and I’m still battin 1.000

Well, wouldn’t you know it! Janus just happens to bump into Michal issakov on my way back to the hotel; and he (issakov) just so happens to be with two other reporters from  so they interview janus there on the street – and, I REALLY give it to em bout Obama and all his potential for ‘change’ (wonder if janus is responsible for the tag?); cause to issakov, I was sermonizing about “change”…think I kinda spooked em – hope I did (and I suspect they’ll remember; I’m sure Michael still has his notes – I saw him scribblin furiously the whole time – no tape recorder, I kind of respected that).  Yes, my life has been a series of strange ‘coincidences’ and ‘random’ zaniness.  I don’t know if there was ever a story in reference to janus and that interview in boston – I don’t really follow those kind of media (I’m too high-brow), and I didn’t really think the effort of tracking them worth it – I know they didn’t use my name, but I did give it (always keep an alias handy!).

And , since i'm mea culpaing about my hand in sinsiter administrations, i guess i should confess that i was livin in the panhandle of florida during the 2000 election -- where i was stationed at the time; campaigned hard for bush, maybe even enough evil work to push bush over the top.  That would make janus feel nice and dandy!  Mmm mmm mmm!  I’m one sorry sack of shit!  I am quite persuasive…it’s one of those two-edged sword kinda gifts.  Use it carefully and only for Good.  Otherwise, you could have a hand in some devil coming into office and taking part in some cowardly act of treason, something that happened ten years and one day ago today.  I expect i'll have to answer for all of it some day; I'm forgiven, but i still have to make an answer (it is written).

Yeah, and like I say, I did a bit of work for uncle sam all direct-like, too. But, really, I’d prefer if I just left that stuff be.  And when I say that I’m not one of any consequence, I mean it.  I am a nobody, who just happened to be in a lot of places in at a lot of times that had a lot to do with the world we live in today…I’m sort of a forrest gump; keep a readin and you’ll soon see.  Maybe I’ll someday tell you the story of meetin general franks in pat o’brien’s down on the French quarter (do you remember me, General?).  he knew what I’d done; who I’d served with; and a lot of strange specifics…a VERY revelatory conversation…if I do say so.  Actually, I will never reveal the details of that conversation – I’m a gentleman in such regards, and if any man tells me something in what I understand to be confidence, I will honor that always.  Besides, the truth is commin out no matter what.  In fact, ‘the truth’ has been out for quite some time!

But I digress, I’ll try to stay as focused on the relevant present as possible.  So, back to boston for just a sec…I met lots and lots and lots o people up there in bean-town, one of which was ben afleck.  He’s a good enough guy.  He’s got janus by two or so inches (bastard!) but, as janus learned night before last, he has a pathetic(!) golf-swing…so the scales have evened a bit, have they not, BEN!  I doubt he’ll remember me for two reasons: the first I’ll keep confident, and the second is that, again, I’m a nobody.

Why does janus bring up ben afleck? Well, it has to do with that golf-swing I mentioned.  Night before last, I popped in ‘company men’ to inspire and kick-start this 9/11 diatribe…didn’t work out so well – as I explained above.  But, it was a great flick nonetheless.  I’ll give a brief movie review (trust me, it’s relevant):

In company men, you’ll see kevin constner’s best performance since JFK (yes, it’s good enough to forgive him forever for watherworld); it was best-supporting Oscar worthy.  You’ll see tommy lee turn in another bit of genius (but we expect nothing less from you, Thomas…almost enough to forgive you for that MIB shit).  You’ll see what’s his name, that brilliant actor in all kinds of shit, play a guy named phil, who sadly kills poor phil.  And you’ll see a bit of janus’s life story sort of played out; not mine really, but a derivation  of it.  You see, ben afleck tries to take my former life, similar kids, similar wife (but mine’s WAY finer), and similar “I’m just God’s gift to humanity” (yes, janus knows he used to fully be, and sometimes still is, a cock – but he’s far humbler now…at least before God he is) attitude about things – pre 2008 crash, that is – and weave a Hollywood sappy ending.

Janus, and many many young men like him have been receiving a coded message over the years: “don’t worry boys, we know we owe you, we’ve got your back, everything’s gonna be just fine, trust us to get this sorted out, and we’ll be sailin steady as she goes!”  I read it in my magazines; I hear it alluded to on political shows; I hear it hinted at in newspapers; and I see it shoved in my face all the time on TV and at the movies.  They aren’t warning us (yet), they’re pleading with us: us, the upper-middle-class golden boys – the mutha fuckin backbone of your whole goddam system, that’s who!

And, bitchez, you killed 3000 of us 10 years and one day ago TODAY!  What else need janus say?  We, the ones to whom ‘this’ filthy steamin pile was promised!   Well, you can keep your feculent world!  May it and those like lot’s wife, who look back on it with longing, suffer that stubborn bitch’s fate – may you morph into something useless and dead, something not even fit for the dung heap, may your exterior reflect the inner.  Janus was nostalgic for a long time for an America that’s never coming back.  Avert your eyes, ZHealots!  Look to a new day!  It is time to do away with all that has come before, and try our hand at something radically new: NOTHING. Or at the very least carve out some small corner of the world where nothing is needed – no standing armies, no taxes, no politicians, no ‘leaders’, no (or as few as mutha fuckin possible) laws!  And, mostly, as few as humanly possible to ‘enforce’ them – a job that shall be reserved for the citizens-proper!  And see to it that the rest of the world can’t overcome its lack of walls.

There’s a bit of distance from here to there.  How and where would one begin?

Let me start by sincerely thanking ‘whomever’ for laying me off without warning or cause or mercy or pity. It has made janus; made him MIGHTY! It has made my marriage SO strong that I don’t think it will EVER dissolve (and I couldn’t be happier); janus, for the first time (for the last two years) truly and most dearly loves his wife; janus, for the first time, ‘really’ knows his sons – and boy are they SPECIAL!  Best young me in the world, hands down.  Janus, for the first time, is able to see what matters in life – and it isn’t ever a question of what, it is always one of “who?”.  It is all of us that matter; we, the miracle of humanity, must defend ourselves against an enemy.  And defense is a serious matter – grave, in fact.

Brace yourselves, both sides of the battle, it’s gonna be hell…unless…

Unless what?  Well that depends on ‘them’.  We demand that you lay down your arms now!  Step back from the levers of power.  Admit guilt and apologize.  Anything short of that will warrant severe reprisal.  I’ll let you all use the most graphic permutations of your imagination to mediate just what that threat entails.  Yes, janus happens to know that some of the powerful are already reading him – so prick up your ears, boys.  This grandson of a 33 degree mason has some advice that some may find a bit bizarre:

Go and join your local lodge; tell them that you ‘seek light’.  You may believe whatsoever you choose, but your local masonic lodge is not your enemy.  Now, I’m not saying go in there and fall in line; I’m saying go in there and be like elihu in the book of Job – the young man to whom the elders deferred.  The only truly wise one among the meretricious sages.   Trust me, these old men are more than ready to hear what you have to say.  They’ve watched their net worths atrophy to nothing and then float around in a miasma for two years…they are sweating fuckin bullets.  They know ‘america’ has run out of options; they know they’ve played this game about as far as it’ll go – THEY KNOW AMERICA HAS SET TO CANNIBALIZE ITSELF!

Just saunter in there, be humble, take the rituals with a grain of salt (it’s just symbolism), and then find your role within.  You will be welcome (if you’re anything like ben aflecks character on ‘company men’ or janus you will be); and if you are not, come back and let janus know about it. 

If we could restore the lodges to their ancient Scottish mission, we would have some MIGHTY help…and, again, trust me or don’t, almost everything you’ve ever heard about freemasons is a fucking lie.  I think it’s roman catholic bullshit – but that’s a ‘conspiracy’ theory; so I won’t go there.  9/11 is goddam fact – it’s anathematic fact!  They, your local freemasons, aren’t bad guys, well, unless your grandfathers are all just bad guys, but only in the lodge, otherwise they’re the most decent, law-abiding, honorable citizens imaginable…but when they get in that dark lodge, oh boy! All kind o evil starts spewing out.  Get a fuckin life, you bunch of sniveling ninnies!  It’s all so goddam fatuous that I can’t address it.  I don’t know, maybe there’s some international high-ups; whatever, I can ABSOLUTELY assure you that no ‘orders’ are being centrally issued to local lodges….but, like I say, go see for yourself.  You can always quit, and no ones gonna chase you down or beg you to stay.  Just go your own way.  Maybe, like some of us, you don’t intend forever to stay – that’s okay.  But, if you’re one of the particular ones to whom I write, at least consider this an option.  Again, these men WILL listen to you (they’ve sworn to), and they WILL NOT discriminate based on race, religion, creed, color, whatev…if they do, again, let janus know about it.

And, since I’ve been kicked out of school for turning in an assignment,  and have lost my GI Bill and all my loans and grants, I guess the other part of my plan, before I head north to New York, is to get a job working construction.  You know, so janus can refamiliarize himself with the salt-of-the-earths, what makes them tick, their fears, dreams, hopes – what do they want to hear?/what do they NEED to hear?.  It’ll also make me strong again; give me back the hand strength to choke two men at once; I reckon that’s a skill we’re all gonna need here pretty soon.

So, yes, you will hear some rather unorthodox ideas from janus – gotta complement my rather unorthodox life story (oh, trust me, there’s a hell of a lot of stories better than anything I’ve shared yet – far far better).  But, and again, do what you will, at least consider what I’m saying…chew on it for a few before giving the reflexive thumbs up or down (that’s right; it ain’t ‘automatically’ genius just cause it comes from janus).  It’s worth considering; I mean, consider my story…at least, those among you wise enough to consider anything worth considerin.

The above is semi-dedicated to Alex Jones, Max Keiser and Tyler Durden.

The above is a lil bit more dedicated to J Vernon McGee (janus listened to him lots over the last 25 hour fast)

The above is most fully dedicated to those who died on and because of 9/11, and for all the living who’ve suffered its due, and for all those to come – for they will be many, hopefully not you…but, then again, ultimately, it’s dedicated to you.

The above, as is always the case, is DEVOTED to The Lord, His Prophets, Poets and even a few Posers (like janus)…selah.


I've heard there was a secret chord/

that david played and it pleased the lord/

but you don't really care for music, do ya?/

it goes like this/

the forth and fifth/

the minor fall the major lift/

the baffled king composing hallelujah!,

janus (who else?)  



Mon, 09/12/2011 - 14:31 | 1660357 jekyll island
jekyll island's picture

You know if you just said "Fuck you" a little more you would feel better and not waste so much time writing this drivel. You should try it sometime.  With feeling. 



Mon, 09/12/2011 - 18:59 | 1661725 janus
janus's picture

you remind me of someone, jekyll...a couple of people, actually...rubes at a football game, no less.

this past satuday, i was at an SEC football, bitchez!  where men get to shred fags like jekyll -- oh, what i wouldn't give to see that skinny ass of yers runnin in terror!!!

alas, for now, i'll tell you who you remind me of; and i bring up that football game for a reason.

you see, right before kickoff, they asked the veterans to stand and receive some vain praises for their service to Global Corporate Hegemony.  so i stood for all you pathetic pussies, boys like you, jekyll -- just weened from mommas teet.  but janus had, with all the hullabaloo surrounding football, forgotten all about 9/11 (otherwise, i would have never risen).

so, when the jets streaked overhead, i gave them the finger puncutated with the crossed arm stabbing at the bright blue sky (singing hallelujah!)!  and guess what, some dickless moron redneck decideds to start givin janus a lil sermon on patriotism. it didn't go well for that lil bitch, and everyone surronding janus (except his two sons) were nervous for the remainder of that four hour game.  me? i'm cool as the underside of the pillow.  why?

well, bitchless, it's called manhood.  i can stand on my own two feet and stare down ANY man in the world.  you would get the shit beaten out of you for daring to make eye contact.

if anyone was there, and saw the bearded guy with green slacks, you can back me up on the awesomness of that spectacle (and, yes, janus is pletny handsome enough to pull off green slacks in september).  my sons were proud. 

so, help me waste some more time, JI.  did you see some video about the 'monster from jekyll' and decide it was time for action?  no, you feckless imbeclie, it's time for you to start reading.  but i'd like a chance to prove it.

so, please foresake jersey shore or whatever it is you 'invest' your time in, and do a little better than 'drivel'...i mean, come on, are my haters gettin so scared that all i'm left with is a fuckin numbnuts like jekyll? 

i figured that diatribe would pull you fuckers out of the woodwork...

disappointed is janus.

so, JI, here's a lil dedication to kick things off.  just give me a few back and forths to get busy rippin the shit apart in that dour lil super-ego of yours...i promise it won't take long.  this is gonna hurt janus a lot more than it hurts you.

we's gonna be buddies,'ll never, ever forget me by the time i'm finished with ya.



Mon, 09/12/2011 - 20:57 | 1662021 jekyll island
jekyll island's picture

There, you took my advice, don't you feel better?  You're just using too many words.  


Anyway, I went back and forced myself to read all of your post.  From what I can tell you are an unemployed conflicted demopublican, ex-military nonconformist type with a disdain for authority figures who writes bad poetry.  For all your perceived manliness you have very thin skin, a Napolean complex and handle criticism poorly.  It is appropriate that you chose Janus as your avatar, a two headed mythological god is perfect for someone who refers to himself in the third person.  Whichever of your personalities that is dominant at the time you read this, please tell all the others to take your essay and post it on Facebook, it's not appropriate for ZH.  As for me I'll be here on the Jersey shore, drinking red wine with my fish like I always do. 


Mon, 09/12/2011 - 22:59 | 1662395 janus
janus's picture

whistle dick (JI),

you see so very much; i see a fly buzzin around my web -- looks like he may already be stuck.

since you're so keen on the psychoanalysis, let me fill in some of the blanks -- that napoleon complex you refer to, why, lil buddy, you couldn't be closer to the truth.  the little man from corsica and janus have MUCH in common (he's not just a hero; he's an idol -- perhaps the greatest man of the modern age).  but i couldn't expect you to wrap your cabeza around such complexiteis as 'greatness' much less the 'modern age'.  you're obvioulsy an italian...most def.  WOP i believe my people called yours when they came mangily shufflin down the landing, onto ellis island -- my people were 'settlers, pioneers and planters'...there are other names for your people, but i'll spare you the embarassment; seein how they're all of the pejorative sort.   

that 'poem' you refer to, and its lack of iambic pentameter?...let me frankly say that you have NO idea what either iambic nor pentameter mean; furthermore, you're so very wanting in any semblance of culture that you fail to recognize the first staza of one of the greatest songs of the modern age -- Hallelujah, by Leonard Cohen.  nitwit, you are so far out of your depth.  but, come to janus -- keep a dog paddlin, you mangy ethinc mutt!

as for taking your advice; why, i'll be adding the feeling as we go -- please don't disappoint (at least no more than you already have); janus vows that he won't let jekyll down. 

now, as for my advice about reading:  i do apologize for the 'long' words.  you see, i understand italians are 'challenged'.  i don't know if it's the fleshy layer of dreck that always seems to plump out your bulbus faces, or perhaps it's a 'cultural' thing, or maybe it's the fear all italians have: being italian and having to make it in a man's world.  it's a lot to ask of a meathead.

sorry, facebook is, again, yer generation, lil buddy.  i'm sure you have more 'friends' whose name end in vowells than janus will ever meet (and thank God for it; no company is more vexing or obnoxious than your average, we don't care how many billard balls you can fit in your mouth at once; but i'm sure it's as charmin as it can be -- post a video on facebook, as your writing skills are wanting (mechanics and style in particular)...badly.

no, lil buddy, i encourage crits.  only, i crush those haters who confuse crits with cheap-shots lacking all substance and insight.  so, if it was respect you were after, you should try again -- i will treat you like an adult when you learn to behave like one.

as a final note, you may be confusing my 'thin-skinnedness' with my compulsion to grind weakness into dust...insolent and purlie weakness, that is.  so, if you're gonna bring some sorry shit and pitch it at janus, i'll be yer goddam huckleberry.  so, yup, janus has him a mean-streaked napoleon complex -- and i hope to cultivate it to its fullest bloom.

i can talk shit cause i can back it up; and if you wanna try and run me offa ZH, i INVITE the effort.  i LOVE TO FIGHT; THIS IS FIGHT-CLUB, lil bitch, and i'll fight you on any level you choose.

yes, i'd love to watch at least one resident of the jersy shore swim with the fishes, guess who dat might be, JI?  (oh, and i guess i should thank you people for your criminal racket -- it's the only thing your people have shown the slightest aptitude for.  it has been the basis for a few movies i've enjoyed.  learned a bit about ultra-violence as well.  lookin forward to showin off the tricks i've learned from you felonious folk.) 

let me know when you decide to take the plunge; as i'll at that point go and buy a nice bordeaux -- something with some taste and class; something, well, apropriate for the occasion.

enjoy that box of zin (ps. zin is not a red; not even when you spike it with night-train or mad-dog 20/20)!

en vino veritas,


Tue, 09/13/2011 - 02:08 | 1662711 FreedomGuy
FreedomGuy's picture

You haven't been taking your meds have you.?. Brevity is the soul of wit.

Tue, 09/13/2011 - 03:06 | 1662766 janus
janus's picture


did you come up with that meds thing on your own, witless?

never heard it before...

originality is the basis of wit; brevity is it's condensation -- giving it punch.  so, i agree with shakespeare.

but, you, my freedomguy, need to aquaint yourself with the fundaments of wit, before you start moving to its more advanced lessons.

furthermore, the very nature of a diatribe is verbosity, not brevity.  i'll try and explain these distinctions as we go wanna play with janus, too?  you're far weaker than the other two numbskulls -- so, i reckon i can get that username and avatar changed in no time flat.  wanna see me do it?

i will MAKE you submit.

i will show you who's master; then we'll start our lessons on wit.

ecce homo,


Mon, 09/12/2011 - 15:45 | 1660942 Byte Me
Byte Me's picture

I got about 5 paras in -- about to the bit where you start navel-gazing about figments of the imagination. I'll read the rest later.

One question.

Do you actually have  testicular cancer?

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 19:10 | 1661748 janus
janus's picture

i am a form of cancer, byte me.  or in your case, maybe a virus would be more apropos.

one question, what is navel-gazing anyway?

sure, i've heard that hackneyed phrase tossed about more than my fair share, and always by folks like you, byte me; folks with out the faculties or perspecacity to push words around and make them punch.  you, bitchez, get the slobber knocked out of you by your own words...ironic, ain't it.  you need to master something approaching a vocabulary before you can even get past two paragraphs of a janus post -- and that doesn't even include the requisite reading incumbent of any 'thinker' -- but, when it comes to 'thinkin', byte me waved bye-bye to that foreign ship long ago.

so, i answered your question, limp-dick.  quid quo pro!  define "navel-gazing"

dis should be tons o fun!

oh, i'm alredy giddy about what i get to work with!

come to janus, that's right, come on...nuthin to be scard of -- i'm just a fuzzy wittle 'navel gazer' after all.

hugs and snuggles,


Mon, 09/12/2011 - 20:36 | 1661946 jekyll island
jekyll island's picture

Damn, Byte Me, he spent three times as much prose bitch slapping me than he did to you.  Kind of a shame, I thought your comment was much funnier.  Just skip to the end, read his closing poem.  I'm thinking if he cleans it up a little and rewrites it in iambic pentameter he might just be on to something....

Mon, 09/12/2011 - 14:28 | 1660349 jekyll island
jekyll island's picture

Isn't this what happens when companies get in trouble?  They raise cash, cut expenses? 

Obummer has announced how he's gonna pay for the jobs bill: 

  • A limit on itemized deductions and certain exemptions on individuals who earn over $200,000 and families who earn over $250,000, which would raise roughly $400 billion over 10 years.
  • A proposal to treat carried interest earned by investment fund managers as ordinary income rather than taxing it at capital gains rates, which would raise $18 billion.
  • Eliminating certain oil and gas industry tax breaks that would raise $40 billion.
  • A change in corporate jet depreciation rules that would raise $3 billion.
  • You knew he wanted those Bush tax cuts soooo badly, why not tax the productive people to keep paying everyone else not to work.  Makes sense to me. 

    Let's see, what other country just raised taxes in the face of a severe recession?  Oh, that would be Greece.  At least they did it to whore themselves out to suckle at the tit of Angela Merkel, errrr, ECB for more bailout funds.  Can't believe they have any plans to start collecting that tax when ECB will write them a check.  That would make the score Greece 1, US 0.  How embarassing is that when almost 3rd world countries have better politicians than the US.  We suck. 


    Mon, 09/12/2011 - 19:57 | 1661846 janus
    janus's picture

    now i know what you are, witless!

    you're one of those fucknuts that put together those banal 'power point presentations'!  you owe janus buches; and i intend to make you pay!

    do you know how many of those uselsess things i've had to endure in my life?  well, i'm takin all that time out on your bulleted ass!

    i should have known.

    yes, you do suck.  like a turbo-charged vacuum cleaner on a meth-bender; buddy, you do suck somethin terrible.

    but if i feel but one tooth on my special purpose; i'm gonna smack the taste out yo mouth, bitch!

    the open hand,


    Tue, 09/13/2011 - 02:10 | 1662712 FreedomGuy
    FreedomGuy's picture

    You're channeling Charlie Sheen aren't you? Well done.

    Tue, 09/13/2011 - 03:13 | 1662776 janus
    janus's picture

    really, that's the scope and reach of your metaphorical breadth -- some meaningless reference to charlie sheen?

    come on, bitchez.  dig deep.  show me something.

    another obvious demonstration that much more than brevity is required for wit, lil buddy.

    try again.  you'll know if you get me...i'm man enough to confess as much.

    you being a coward, i expect you to run, hide and do some thinkin.

    now, go back and work on this for a few days, bang that tiny melon of yers up against a wall, and see if something clever pops out!

    i'm expecting big things from you; i want some lessons on wit.


    Mon, 09/12/2011 - 15:06 | 1660670 Bartanist
    Bartanist's picture

    While there is something favorable to be said about all of the "crying" going on in the "Onion Republic", it is a slight against onions. My preference would be to live in a Rhubarb Republic, not only for the alliteration, but also my recollections of watching baseball games and the theatrical rhubarbs the old time managers used to get into ... with the umpire, the other managers, anyone who liked to mix is up a bit.

    Mon, 09/12/2011 - 15:07 | 1660680 DOT
    DOT's picture

    Financial Workers of the World !  Unite !


    SEIU Wants YOU  !!



    Stop unfair lay-offs.

    No Bonusses while Labor suffers.


    I had a shit job once (not to say others have been all that great);

    I quit. Not to have done so would have been evil.


    There is a choice.

    Mon, 09/12/2011 - 15:21 | 1660783 Byte Me
    Byte Me's picture

    we are now officially an Onion republic.

    Smells more garlicky, with a metric gigaton of asafoetida.


    OTOH -- Sales of KY must be following gold "to da moon" -- At least the free market is still working then, and well lubricated too, to boot.

    Tue, 09/13/2011 - 21:54 | 1665960 moxia19
    moxia19's picture

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