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Assymmetric Secret Servicing Initiative: Obama's Colombia Visit Found To Subsidize Local Alternative Monogamy Market

Tyler Durden's picture


Obama may not be the most successful president when it comes to creating jobs at home, but when success is measured by the number of blowjobs outsourced abroad, he may be truly second to none, as his visit to Colombia proves before it has officially begun. According to the AP, "A dozen Secret Service agents sent to Colombia to provide security for President Barack Obama at an international summit have been relieved of duty because of allegations of misconduct." Relieved here being a perfectly randomly selected verb. Because according to a tip received by The Associated Press "the misconduct involved prostitutes in Cartagena, Colombia, the site of the Summit of the Americas. A Secret Service spokesman did not dispute that allegation." Or, as Goldman would call it, an "AsSymmetric (Secret) Servicing Initiative" where much more than just inside information is leasked. Unfortunately, while he may be far more successful in generating jobs in Latin America than domestically, even those jobs have proven to be quite transitory, just like virtually all quickie temp jobs "created or saved" in the US in the past several years. Furthermore, just like in the US, we doubt that the incremental wealth benefits will trickle down to the local population. After all, unlike in the US, endogenous Colombian liquidity may be abundant everywhere but certainly not at the central bank, which is far, far tighter at a rate of 5.25% (and rising), compared to extra loose central planners the "developed" world over.

More on tomorrow's watercooler talk:

A U.S. official, who was not authorized to speak publicly on the matter and requested anonymity, put the number of agents at 12. The agency was not releasing the number of personnel involved.


The Washington Post reported that Jon Adler, president of the Federal Law Enforcement Officers Association, said the accusations related to at least one agent having involvement with prostitutes in Cartagena. The association represents federal law enforcement officers, including the Secret Service.


Ronald Kessler, a former Post reporter and the author of a book about the Secret Service, told the Post that he had learned that 12 agents were involved, several of them married.


The incident threatened to overshadow Obama's economic and trade agenda at the summit and embarrass the U.S. The White House had no comment.

And no, Obama was not among those directly subsidizing the oldest profession in Colombia.

Donovan said the allegations of misconduct were related to activity before the president's arrival Friday night.


Obama was attending a leaders' dinner Friday night at Cartagena's historic Spanish fortress. He was due to attend summit meetings with regional leaders Saturday and Sunday.

Ironically enough, in traditional economic canon, a transaction spillover, occurs in the context of an externality, not internalities. Perhaps all this Neo-Keynesian gibberish really was true all along...

All joking aside, here is how Politico framed the 5 political benefits (with or without friends) that the Colombian visit was supposed to embiggen. We can probably trim that list to one: endless humor for the late night stand-up comedy circuit as well as hours of rhetorical poetry waxing by Obama's political adversaries.

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Fri, 04/13/2012 - 23:37 | 2343221 Rahm
Rahm's picture

Hookers & Blow, Bitchez!

Fri, 04/13/2012 - 23:52 | 2343236 ThisIsBob
ThisIsBob's picture

Yea, Baby!

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 00:39 | 2343297 NewThor
NewThor's picture

I've read too much Sun Tzu to not find this funny.

I wonder how much information the prostitutes gathered during

the visits. Hookers do excellent recon and info extraction.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 00:58 | 2343308 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



I think you need to read more Playboy.   That Sun Tzu will give ya a hard-on for just about everybody.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 01:11 | 2343316 knukles
knukles's picture

In response to questions a  White Hose spokesperson said "Blow me."

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 01:44 | 2343339 Real Money Wins
Real Money Wins's picture

WOW, Cocaine and Prostitution!

I wonder when the will get their own stock symbols, being as they appear to be the only growth industries left.

Of course it might end up like MF Global and the profits and the Initial Investment going up in smoke!


Sat, 04/14/2012 - 02:33 | 2343535 Manthong
Manthong's picture

It's all good as long as the operation involved substantial injection of liquidity.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 06:42 | 2345093 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

All I can write is:  "Suck, SUCK! Blow is just a figure of speech!"

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 06:49 | 2345101 nmewn
nmewn's picture

How many Volts ya reckon Barry's gonna sell down there? ;-)

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 08:05 | 2345126 Colombian Gringo
Colombian Gringo's picture

Who Carez? Barry needs a new supply and what better place than Colombia? As for the Secret Service, Colombia has some of the hottest hookers on the planet, and the locals earn extra cash.  For once, American diplomacy results in a true win/win/win.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 09:19 | 2345177 nmewn
nmewn's picture

So its a top secret Stimulus Plan.

I can see it all now...

(Barry on Air Force One)...ahhh errr ok...everyone open the envelopes in your laps now.

A few weeks ago we ahhh inserted a highly skilled team of happy warriors for koochie whose mission it was to spread out amongst the local population here and sorta get the lay of the land for our excursion here.

The ahhh errr uhhh, reports, we're getting back are very stimulating. Errr ahhh as you can see your envelopes contain freshly printed $100 bills, a bottle of Viagra and photographs of your targets. I can see by your ahhh uhhh reactions, you know the importance of the task at hand. Your mission is to carry out secondary penetrations on these hardened targets now softened up by the steady pounding of your brothers who are the best of the best, real crack operators.

Code Name: Operation Caboose.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 09:27 | 2345188 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture




So much for keeping the servicing secret.


Sat, 04/14/2012 - 10:11 | 2345237 dwdollar
dwdollar's picture

This should dispel any hope there is some magical group of bureaucrats or servicemen (who still uphold a core set of values) standing by to help resurrect the Constitution when the people 'wake up' and the time comes.

However, since the average American is devolving back into Apeman, I imagine the typical response to this news is a blank stare while drooling at the TV.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 10:11 | 2345238 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



What's our government coming to?


Sat, 04/14/2012 - 10:20 | 2345247 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture




Supposedly a mariachi band was playing in the background.


Sat, 04/14/2012 - 10:20 | 2345248 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



Ya know, I bet Williambanzai7 is working overtime right now with this.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 13:14 | 2345415 piceridu
piceridu's picture

I can see the headlines on CNBS: A Sticky Situation for President Obama, Secret Services Provides Some Needed Liquidity for Columbia

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 16:43 | 2345662 tongue.stan
tongue.stan's picture

It was a taill event not properly headged.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 16:31 | 2345646 Phil Free
Phil Free's picture

You said .. Growth Industries ..


Sat, 04/14/2012 - 06:58 | 2345106 Frankie Carbone
Frankie Carbone's picture

I typical American inperialistic fashion, the American president and his entourage came to screw the Columbian people once again.

"We were fucked as soon as they showed up", state one exasperated young woman.

"When are they going to stop screwing us?" said another busty and attractive lady on the street.



Sat, 04/14/2012 - 07:01 | 2345108 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Its another War on Women!!!

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 07:19 | 2345112 Element
Element's picture

These guys need to ask themselves, "what would Clint Eastwood have done on his watch?"

If the goons are the one's who go around murdering for Prezidente, on whatever speculative basis without legal due-process from the mafia boss in bananaville-DC, then naturally he needs to surround himself with a-moral sociopaths.

What could possibly go wrong?

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 09:32 | 2345195 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture




It's halftime in Columbia.


Sat, 04/14/2012 - 12:19 | 2345356 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



Will there be a pubic outrage?

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 07:03 | 2345109 spankfish
spankfish's picture

I have taken it upon myself to forward the Colombian Kisses web site to the SS... this way they can pre-hookup the agents next time.


Sat, 04/14/2012 - 01:32 | 2343327 Oh regional Indian
Oh regional Indian's picture

Well, the secret service guys thought it was an in and out mission.


Sat, 04/14/2012 - 01:39 | 2343337 Caviar Emptor
Caviar Emptor's picture

We saw, we conquered, we came

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 02:52 | 2343666 MrPalladium
MrPalladium's picture

Vidi, Vici, Veni! (Corrected reordering of Ceasar's famous words)

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 10:59 | 2345274 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



Fast and Furious?

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 13:48 | 2345175 Widowmaker
Widowmaker's picture

She's all warmed up, Mr. President.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 10:55 | 2345267 ihedgemyhedges
ihedgemyhedges's picture

Apparently they extracted more than info, if you know what I mean.................

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 11:28 | 2345313 chinaguy
chinaguy's picture

Worth noting that the American "embassy" in Bogota has 2,500 "employees & contractors" employed there (per a contractor I spoke w/ there) ...something more is being collected in that country besides BJs.....

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 16:51 | 2345674 earleflorida
earleflorida's picture

hmmm, i wonder if any of them will turn up on the next [un]invited guest list for the monthly unannounced, WH bash birthday parties?

Sun, 04/15/2012 - 12:16 | 2346611 MeetTozter
MeetTozter's picture

Aren't most NSA, FBI, and Secret Service Mormons?


Go Willard!

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 00:02 | 2343245 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



Apparently this turned out not to be a secret servicing.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 00:54 | 2343306 Hacked Economy
Hacked Economy's picture


Does this sudden loss of those twelve jobs stand to affect the 'ol unemployment numbers?

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 01:34 | 2343331 SoCalBusted
SoCalBusted's picture

Had to increase the employment numbers for women..  It is a double bonus.  Hire more women, fire more men.


Sat, 04/14/2012 - 08:33 | 2345149 Mesquite
Mesquite's picture

Uh, is this what they mean by 'Sector rotation..'??

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 08:36 | 2345153 Mesquite
Mesquite's picture


Sat, 04/14/2012 - 08:36 | 2345155 Son of Loki
Son of Loki's picture

SEC was also there to ensure 'compliance.'

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 09:26 | 2345185 Arnold Ziffel
Arnold Ziffel's picture

Just invoice the "FIESTA" government account.

With the recent $800,00 GSA trip, they may have maxed this taxpayer funded account.


Sat, 04/14/2012 - 00:08 | 2343257 I Got Worms
I Got Worms's picture

Don't worry,I trust our President won't fall victim to the same shinanigans... as long as we can keep him away from the bath houses in Columbia.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 02:55 | 2343671 MrPalladium
MrPalladium's picture

Fear not! Obama keeps his manservant - servicer near him at all times! Discreet on the down-low!!

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 04:14 | 2344250 Motorhead
Motorhead's picture

Nah, that was (is?) J. Edgar.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 11:00 | 2345275 thatthingcanfly
thatthingcanfly's picture

J. Edgar was NOT a homosexual. That's been the big lie put forth by liberals who wanted to retaliate against him for revealing those liberals to be nothing but communists and informants to Mother Russia during the Cold War.

Don't watch the Clint Eastwood movie.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 02:11 | 2343398 putaipan
putaipan's picture

clinton's fault.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 03:42 | 2343965 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



What blows in Cartagena, sucks in Cartagena.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 13:13 | 2345414 MayIMommaDogFac...
MayIMommaDogFace2theBananaPatch's picture

Soon there will be a Sucks and Blow store on every corner like Starbucks...

The tax revenue possibilities are simply too rich for them to resist it forever.

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