This page has been archived and commenting is disabled.

Assymmetric Secret Servicing Initiative: Obama's Colombia Visit Found To Subsidize Local Alternative Monogamy Market

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Obama may not be the most successful president when it comes to creating jobs at home, but when success is measured by the number of blowjobs outsourced abroad, he may be truly second to none, as his visit to Colombia proves before it has officially begun. According to the AP, "A dozen Secret Service agents sent to Colombia to provide security for President Barack Obama at an international summit have been relieved of duty because of allegations of misconduct." Relieved here being a perfectly randomly selected verb. Because according to a tip received by The Associated Press "the misconduct involved prostitutes in Cartagena, Colombia, the site of the Summit of the Americas. A Secret Service spokesman did not dispute that allegation." Or, as Goldman would call it, an "AsSymmetric (Secret) Servicing Initiative" where much more than just inside information is leasked. Unfortunately, while he may be far more successful in generating jobs in Latin America than domestically, even those jobs have proven to be quite transitory, just like virtually all quickie temp jobs "created or saved" in the US in the past several years. Furthermore, just like in the US, we doubt that the incremental wealth benefits will trickle down to the local population. After all, unlike in the US, endogenous Colombian liquidity may be abundant everywhere but certainly not at the central bank, which is far, far tighter at a rate of 5.25% (and rising), compared to extra loose central planners the "developed" world over.

More on tomorrow's watercooler talk:

A U.S. official, who was not authorized to speak publicly on the matter and requested anonymity, put the number of agents at 12. The agency was not releasing the number of personnel involved.

 

The Washington Post reported that Jon Adler, president of the Federal Law Enforcement Officers Association, said the accusations related to at least one agent having involvement with prostitutes in Cartagena. The association represents federal law enforcement officers, including the Secret Service.

 

Ronald Kessler, a former Post reporter and the author of a book about the Secret Service, told the Post that he had learned that 12 agents were involved, several of them married.

 

The incident threatened to overshadow Obama's economic and trade agenda at the summit and embarrass the U.S. The White House had no comment.

And no, Obama was not among those directly subsidizing the oldest profession in Colombia.

Donovan said the allegations of misconduct were related to activity before the president's arrival Friday night.

 

Obama was attending a leaders' dinner Friday night at Cartagena's historic Spanish fortress. He was due to attend summit meetings with regional leaders Saturday and Sunday.

Ironically enough, in traditional economic canon, a transaction spillover, occurs in the context of an externality, not internalities. Perhaps all this Neo-Keynesian gibberish really was true all along...

All joking aside, here is how Politico framed the 5 political benefits (with or without friends) that the Colombian visit was supposed to embiggen. We can probably trim that list to one: endless humor for the late night stand-up comedy circuit as well as hours of rhetorical poetry waxing by Obama's political adversaries.

 

- advertisements -

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
Sat, 04/14/2012 - 08:17 | 2345131 Vince Clortho
Vince Clortho's picture

Entertaining post.

But SS only "takes one for the team" in Hollywood scripts.

 

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 17:22 | 2345701 Phil Free
Phil Free's picture

And so .. this all happened on a movie set?  And a distracted journalist (those damn BJ's) got the set mixed up with real life, and the whole brou-ha-ha is a movie set mix-up?  Of course!!  Thank god!  The POS, I mean, the POTUS will be soo relieved!!  If he hasn't relieved himself already ..

 

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 02:30 | 2343511 jmc8888
jmc8888's picture

While the secret service were judging DSL's, the American people may judge that Obama has been DSK'ed.

I wonder what will come of all of this?

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 04:22 | 2344319 Angus McHugepenis
Angus McHugepenis's picture

Somethings "coming"... and it ain't justice.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 18:18 | 2345772 Phil Free
Phil Free's picture

http://youtu.be/2HaH1AmZXDo

 

Scary Movie FTW!

 

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 02:51 | 2343667 upb
upb's picture

I spit my beer out!  Obama creating blowJOBS.   tyler a classic....  thanks for the laugh!!

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 03:05 | 2343711 Walt D.
Walt D.'s picture

... and green jobs to boot, asuming that they were using recycled condoms made from environmentally friendly latex obtained by fair trade.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 04:19 | 2344297 Angus McHugepenis
Angus McHugepenis's picture

Barecrack has been creating blow jobs ever since Larry Sinclair. OT... does anyone know if Rahm is still a ballet dancer?

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 06:52 | 2345102 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Yer avatar probably got'em all riled up!

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 03:04 | 2343672 bluebare
bluebare's picture

BLOW BY BLOW

 

 A low-level squeal ratted on twelve horny federal agents who got caught doing the nasty (conduct un-be-coming of officers apparently) in Cartagena, Columbia.

 

 A former Post reporter also learned from another leaky faucet that twelve agents were involved, several of them now unhappily married, and, busted the news wide open. 

 

The President of the organization that represents federal law enforcement officers, including the Secret Service, laughed out loud about the matter before putting on his shocked face and commenting “Yea, somebody might have done something.” 

 

An official closer to the President’s party said the alleged misconduct needed to be seen in the context of “business as usual.  This incident should serve to raise public awareness that President Obama is, in fact, chilling in South America this weekend."

 

Meanwhile, the Not So Secret Service was rapidly assessing the effectiveness of several cover stories with focus groups.  Contingency plans call for straws to be used to determine the order of departure in the event scapegoats and fall guys are needed.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 06:54 | 2345103 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Thanks for the "bare" facts, there! :>D

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 04:27 | 2344365 downrodeo
downrodeo's picture

prostitution should be legal... just sayin'

Sun, 04/15/2012 - 00:15 | 2346097 Matt
Matt's picture

Apparently it is, in Columbia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prostitution_in_Colombia

Whatever happened to "When in Rome, do as the Romans do?

The misconduct(s) were due to not paying, right?

 

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 05:32 | 2344844 lunaticfringe
lunaticfringe's picture

I have dubbed it "Hummergate." http://thecivillibertarian.blogspot.com/#!/2012/04/president-obama-now-at-center-of.html

Check out the road rage piece next door. Some seriously funny shit.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 05:54 | 2344990 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

Are a you a sure thosa boys didn'ta aska for prosciutto?

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 06:35 | 2345091 lakecity55
lakecity55's picture

Hey, they were tired of Barry's forced gay sex. They just wanted some pussy. Poor guys. Guarding a gay communist muslim can't be easy.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 06:46 | 2345095 sabra1
sabra1's picture

my girlfriends mother's grandmother's mother used to earn $225,000 a month smuggling drugs into the U.S. from Colombia, now she earns $225,000.25 a month giving head. no teeth marks guaranteed!

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 07:04 | 2345110 connda
connda's picture

Sounds like what any red-blooded, American male would do when visiting a developing country.  Cleaning out the "jets" is just a guy type of thing to do.

If I was the Prez, that's exactly the kind of Secret Service I want around me.  Baser instincts have been sated, so I know that their attention is now focused on the job of protecting my ass.

As a SS Agent, you get relieved of duty, probably reprimanded, and perhaps fired for spending some free-time with a hooker.  However, defraud your customers out of 1.6 billion dollars and you're handled with kid-gloves and treated like a prima donna

No wonder the US is FUBAR.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 08:18 | 2345133 BandGap
BandGap's picture

Asymetric is spelled wrong.

Hookers have to make a living, too. And it's best to be relaxed when you're conducting police work.

http://www.jdjournal.com/2012/04/12/police-officer-caught-masturbating-on-video-while-on-duty/

What's the fuss?

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 09:33 | 2345199 Catullus
Catullus's picture

Could have something to do with the jetsetter lifestyle, staying in swanky hotels, and married overpaid government employees getting blown on the taxpayer dime. Just a guess

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 10:37 | 2345259 Tyler Durden
Tyler Durden's picture

Actually asymetric is spelled wrong. AsSymmetric (sic) is spelled right

Sun, 04/15/2012 - 10:33 | 2346447 FrankDrakman
FrankDrakman's picture

Actually asymetric is spelled wrong. AsSymmetric (sic) is spelled right

Stop! You're both incorrect. "Assymetric" is neither spelled "wrong", or "right". When spelled correctly, it is "assymetric".

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 08:19 | 2345134 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

First it's "Hey baby, want to see my gun?".  Then Oral sacks.  Welcome to Zippergate...

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 08:22 | 2345137 Schmuck Raker
Schmuck Raker's picture

Demonstrating near Secret Service agents may get you arrested, indefinitely detained, waterboarded, and/or executed.

Prostrating, OTOH, gets you 7 dollars.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 08:23 | 2345138 Vince Clortho
Vince Clortho's picture

A bunch of 3rd world muppets get screwed by agents of the Elite.

Was there a different twist to it this time?

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 08:31 | 2345147 jack stephan
jack stephan's picture

Julian Noble: [after flirting with some Mexican schoolgirls] I hate these Catholic countries. It's all blushy-blushy and no sucky-fucky.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 08:33 | 2345151 ziggy59
ziggy59's picture

I wonder what the public will be billed under..

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 08:34 | 2345152 mendolover
Sat, 04/14/2012 - 08:38 | 2345156 MFL8240
MFL8240's picture

Prostitution is legal in Columbia what the hell right does anyone at the AP have on printing this horeshit and why were these people let go?  If it were a few lesbians with hookers or gay guys, the AP would think it was great (promoting gal lifestyle is part of their agenda).  More jokes from the clown in Dc and his leftist scumbag media friends.

By the way, if they went to Clark Country Nevada for a summit, would they throw the people off the job for hiring a prostitute when it is legal there?  Of course not, this is all part of the road show to make you believe he has some morals when we alraedy know otherwise.

 

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 08:38 | 2345157 youngman
youngman's picture

I hear applictions to become Secret Service Agents are BLOWING thru the roof.....the jobs are HARD to get....LONG hours...sometimes in ver JUICY situations.....always COMMING and going...you have to be proficient with a GUN and know how to SHOOT...and reLOAD...

 

The new pick-up line in Cartagena is " I am with the Secret Service and....."

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 08:44 | 2345159 bugs_
bugs_'s picture

are you a cop?  ....well my dear....

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 09:03 | 2345167 daily bread
daily bread's picture

creating jobs is a great scam ..

Suppose I create 100000 jobs in March, and 90% of them last 3 months [because the subsidies or other inducements expire], so by July only 10000 jobs are left.  Repeat this for April, May, and so on for years on end.  After two years, I can take credit for "creating 2.4 million jobs".  But only 240,000 of those jobs still exist, the remaining disappeared because they never made economic sense if not subsidized.  The headline media give me credit for creating millions of jobs, never mind how many are still paying wages today.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 09:08 | 2345170 alfred b.
alfred b.'s picture

 

   Secret Service assumed that Cartagena translated to 'agents à la carte'

 

 

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 09:13 | 2345173 solidus
solidus's picture

Tyler, I can't say it enough, on so many levels you are a fricking GENIUS!

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 09:13 | 2345174 Yes We Can. But...
Yes We Can. But Lets Not.'s picture

What is the cost of an Obummer Hummer in Cartagena?

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 09:43 | 2345192 Catullus
Catullus's picture

The problem is obviously that she's not paying payroll taxes on the income. Also, the dept of labor would count that as 12 jobs created.

Economic Stimulus Package has always meant stimulating the packages of economists.

It's even better this came out on tax weekend. Just tell someone struggling to get their returns in this weekend: these blowjobs aren't going to pay for themselves.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 10:18 | 2345246 Arnold Ziffel
Arnold Ziffel's picture

Is this a "below the line" deduction for those SS agents?

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 09:39 | 2345206 zonetraders
Sat, 04/14/2012 - 09:41 | 2345207 crawl
crawl's picture

Was there a groupon coupon for whoring in Columbia?

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 09:48 | 2345213 Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill's picture

New meaning for "pump and dump".

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 09:53 | 2345220 BigGovNip
BigGovNip's picture

After 3 years of daily reading, by far the most entertaining article I have read here.  "Money Shot" !!!

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 10:04 | 2345232 rwe2late
rwe2late's picture

 As though the CIA and the US drug lord allies in Afghanistan weren't the mainstays of the global underworld drug trade. As though the global Pentagon was not the chief operant for the flesh trade.

Anyhow, Obama is there to promote the empire's Endless War on "Terror"/ Prohibition War subset. That, despite the growing realization among Latin Americans that the whole business is a futile self-defeating farce. Nonetheless, the US prison industry (world's biggest), weapons manufacturers, money launderers, CIA and allied organizations, and Pentagon careerists, all have a big stake in the fake "war on drugs" continuing just as is.

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fg-latin-america-summit-20120414,0,4728967.story

Sun, 04/15/2012 - 04:17 | 2346208 Reptil
Sat, 04/14/2012 - 10:06 | 2345234 vegas
vegas's picture

I don't know why the SS agents were fired; after all Chalky is the biggest prostitute in the world. He panders to every Dem special interest group there is and will bend over and take it in the ass for them every time. He sells whatever soul he has to the highest bidder. I hear getting a Fed contract is easy if you promote Mooooochelle's food inititative; if that's not prostitution then what is?

 

http://vegasxau.blogspot.com

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 12:52 | 2345393 Monedas
Monedas's picture

Prove they were fired and banned from future Fed or gov employment and their pensions and benefits were cancelled ? Hahahahahah !  You know better Vegas !  Prove food aid to Norkolandia was stopped !  Hahahahaha !  Monedas  2012  Comedy Jihad World Tour 

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 10:17 | 2345242 Arnold Ziffel
Arnold Ziffel's picture

"Piece Corps" or Secret Service?

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 10:18 | 2345245 bugs_
bugs_'s picture

Secret Cervix

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 10:37 | 2345258 Vendetta
Vendetta's picture

Now they're outsourcing the 'service based' economy too?  Geesh

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 11:05 | 2345284 Teutonic Pied Piper
Teutonic Pied Piper's picture

Lol.  Well played Tyler, well played.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 11:16 | 2345302 Amish Hacker
Amish Hacker's picture

It's stories like this one that make me realize we'll never pull out of Afghanistan.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 11:38 | 2345320 booboo
booboo's picture

Johns 13:69
Black Messiah sent forth his apostles, 12 in all and they went forth into the mouth of the harlots and speadeth the Secret Sauce.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 11:48 | 2345326 GoodMorningMr.V...
GoodMorningMr.VanRumpoy...'s picture

Hahaha. This article, I damn near creamed my pants from laughter. Seeping with

innuendo

 

 

Someone's got to service the secret service, and in Columbia that servicing can no longer be kept secret.

Sun, 04/15/2012 - 22:18 | 2345633 BidnessMan
BidnessMan's picture

All because one moron did not pay $47 for overnight services rendered.  Sheesh.....

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 11:57 | 2345340 owensdrillin
owensdrillin's picture

I guess he never forewarned them about "Loose Lips"

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 12:11 | 2345349 Benjamin Glutton
Benjamin Glutton's picture

Stiff Secret Service staff stuffs and stiffs.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 12:13 | 2345352 tony bonn
tony bonn's picture

i think that obama may have competition from slick willie

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 12:22 | 2345358 ThisIsBob
ThisIsBob's picture

This whole affair just blows me away.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 12:27 | 2345361 Monedas
Monedas's picture

Viegans don't eat caviar or cum !  Poor BO Juice....Michelle don't gobble the goop !    Monedas  2012   Ship all white, pink and red slime to North Korea.....they can spread it on their rice.....like Vegemite !

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 12:29 | 2345368 Walt D.
Walt D.'s picture

Another stimulus package?

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 12:35 | 2345372 Monedas
Monedas's picture

Can you even imagine what North Korean junk food looks like ?  Cow udders, cow vaginas and pig dicks served with their staple tweezer gleaned fecal corn !   Monedas  2012   SPAM deserves the Nobel peace prize !

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 12:31 | 2345369 Monedas
Monedas's picture

SPAM  is one of the 5 basic junk food groups with which we won the Cold War !  Monedas  2012   Spice my ham hocks, bitch !

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 12:39 | 2345376 Monedas
Monedas's picture

North Korea, inspite of starving people, still serves white rice from which the nutritious hull has been stripped ?   Monedas   2012  Norko's "Command Performance" Economic Miracle Whip

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 12:59 | 2345400 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with...."

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 13:02 | 2345403 Will To Live
Will To Live's picture

Just do what the natives do.  As long as its legal.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 13:13 | 2345410 piceridu
piceridu's picture

removed

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 15:04 | 2345492 Everybodys All ...
Everybodys All American's picture

Not only should these guys be fired but they should lose any future retirement benefit from the government. Sound harsh? Yes. But can you imagine if something had happened to the president on this trip or even from this point forward. It cannot be tolerated in any way shape or form.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 17:38 | 2345719 Flagit
Flagit's picture

air force one landed at a small airport near me. the runway was notoriously small compared to most. apparently it is policy/procedure to escort the pilot off the plane for an immediate interview, by the secret service, in the event of any mishap. with the runway being soo small the pilot fudged the turn and put the front wheels off the runway, resulting in removal, replacement, and a lengthy interview. im sure a similar process will be incurred in this case which will inevitably be refered to as "the cartagena 12".

Sun, 04/15/2012 - 00:37 | 2346112 prole
prole's picture

And the interview will be conducted by guys who do the exact same thing. It's like Elliot Spitzer dropping the hammer on prostitution rings in NY. It's all for show. It's all BS. Leave the whole lot of them in Columbia. They would be happier down there and we would save millions taxpayers P4P money

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 15:04 | 2345493 Tucson Tom
Tucson Tom's picture

NYT: "Second Dear Leader in two days suffers errant missle embarrassment"

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 18:10 | 2345760 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

So now the military may be implicated in soliciting prostitutes?  Tell me it ain't so!  This has got to be a first, I am sure!

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 22:22 | 2345991 Arnold Ziffel
Arnold Ziffel's picture

"Hard at work" will be their best defense.

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 22:49 | 2346022 Westcoastliberal
Westcoastliberal's picture

What is going on with this topic depends on what your definition of "is" is. /sarc

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 23:08 | 2346041 Arthur Borges
Arthur Borges's picture

Actually, it seems the frolicking only came to light because one or more agents refused to pay up. Given that prostitution is legal in Cartagena, the ladies went and filed a complaint at the local copshop, where officers contacted US diplomats and from there...

 

 

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 23:53 | 2346083 Walt D.
Walt D.'s picture

The secret service agent who refused to pay did not enjoy his experience - blamed bush!

Sun, 04/15/2012 - 00:37 | 2346110 illyia
illyia's picture

I just gotta say - one finely written piece of - aw, nevermind. You didn't get this far down to - ugh. There is no way to ...

Good writing.

Sun, 04/15/2012 - 03:12 | 2346187 bluebare
bluebare's picture

Next time you come down this far, just spit it out.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!