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Obama's Speech: Ali G Style

Tyler Durden's picture


What the hell: this is no longer even a Banana republic. We are now officially an Onion republic. So let's party like it's an Onion republic.

Courtesy of the Ali G translator (obviously)

Mr. speaka, mr. vice president, members hof congress, an' fellow americans: tonight we meet hat an urgent bells fe our turf. we continue to face an economic crisis dat has westside side millions hof our neighbors jobless, an' da political crisis dat has made tings worse. this past week, reporters as bin askin “what iz gonna dis speech mean fe da president? wot iz gonna hit mean fe congress? how iz gonna hit affect dare polls, an' da next elecshun?” but da millions hof americans who iz watchin east side now: dey don’t care about politics. dey as real life concerns. many as spent momphs lookin fe wurk. others iz doin dare fittest just to scrape by – givin up nights hout wiv da posse to save on gas or make da mortgage; postponin retirement to send da kid to scool. these bruvers an' bitches grew up wiv faith in an america where ard wurk an' responsibility paid off. dey believed in da turf where everyone gets da fair shake an' does dare fair share – where if yous stepped up, did ya job, an' wuz loyal to ya possie, dat loyalty iz gona be rewarded wiv da decent salary an' heavy benefits; maybe da raise once in awhile. if yous did da east side tin, yous could make hit in america. but fe decades now, americans as watched dat compact erode. dey as seun da dek too oftun stacked against dem. an' dey nah dat washington hasn’t always put dare interests first. the peeps hof dis turf wurk ard to meet dare responsibilities. da quesshun tonight iz whetha we’ll meet ours. da quesshun iz whetha, in da face hof an ongoin national crisis, we can stop da political circus an' hactually do sumfink to help da economy; whetha we can restore some hof da fairness an' security dat has defined dis nashun since our beginnin. those hof us in da house tonight can’t solve all hof our nation’s woes. ultimately, our recovery iz gonna be drivun not by washington, but by our businesses an' our boys. but we can help. we can make da difference. dere iz steps we can take east side now to improve people’s lives. i iz sendin dis congress da plan dat yous should pass east side away. it’s called da american jobs act. dere should be naffink controversial about dis piece hof legislashun. everythin in in da house iz da kind hof proposal that’s bin supported by both democrats an' republicans – includin many who sit in da house tonight. an' everythin in dis bill iz gonna be paid fe. everythin. the purpose hof da american jobs act iz simple: to put more peeps bak to wurk an' more moolar in da pockets hof those who iz workin'. hit iz gonna create more jobs fe construcshun boys, more jobs fe well batty homos wit massiv heads, more jobs fe veterans, an' more jobs fe da long-term unemployed. hit iz gonna provide da tax bus' fe companies who hire fresh boys, an' hit iz gonna cut payroll taxes in half fe every workin' american an' every small bizzle. hit iz gonna provide da jolt to an economy dat has stalled, an' borrow companies confidence dat if dey invest an' hire, dere iz gonna be customers fe dare products an' services. yous should pass dis jobs plan east side away. everyone in da house knows dat small businesses iz where most fresh jobs begin. an' yous nah dat while corporate profits as spitz roarin bak, smalla companies haven’t. so fe everyone who speaks so passionately about makin life easia fe “job creators,” dis plan iz fe yous. pass dis jobs bill, an' startin tomorrow, small businesses iz gonna get da tax cut if dey hire fresh boys or raise workers’ wages. pass dis jobs bill, an' all small bizzle owners iz gonna also chek dare payroll taxes cut in half next year. if yous as 50 employees makin an average salary, that’s an $80,000 tax cut. an' all businesses iz gonna be able to continue writin off da investments dey make in 2012. it’s not just democrats who as supported dis kind hof proposal. fifty yard republicans as proposed da same payroll tax cut that’s in dis plan. yous should pass hit east side away. pass dis jobs bill, an' we can put peeps to wurk rebuildin america. everyone in da house knows dat we as badly decayin roads an' bridges all ova dis turf. our highways iz clogged wiv traffic. our skies iz da most congested in da world. this iz inexcusable. buildin da world-class transportashun system iz part hof wot made us an economic superpowa. an' now we’re gonna sit bak an' watch china build newa airports an' fasta railroads? hat da bells whun millions hof unemployed construcshun boys could build dem east side in da house in america? there iz private construcshun companies all across america just waitin to get to wurk. there’s da bridge dat needs repair betweun ohio an' kentucky that’s on one hof da busiest truckin routes in north america. da public transit project in houston dat iz gonna help clear up one hof da cackest areas hof traffic in da turf. an' dere iz schools throughout dis turf dat desperately need renovatin. how can we expect our kids to do dare fittest in places dat iz literally fallin apart? dis iz america. every child deserves da yorkie scool – an' we can borrow hit to dem, if we act now. the american jobs act iz gonna repair an' modernize hat least 35,000 schools. hit iz gonna put peeps to wurk east side now fixin roofs an' windows; installin science labs an' high-speed intaweb in classrooms all across dis turf. hit iz gonna rehabilitate homes an' businesses in communities spark hardest by foreclosures. hit iz gonna jumpstart thousands hof transportashun projects across da turf. an' to make shizzle da moolar iz properly spent an' fe heavy purposes, we’re buildin on reforms we’ve already put in place. narr more earmarks. narr more boondoggles. narr more bridges to nowhere. we’re cuttin da red tape dat prevents some hof dees projects from gettin' started as quickly as possible. an' we’ll set up an independent fund to attract private squid an' issue loans based on two criteria: how badly da construcshun project iz needed an' how much heavy hit iz gona do fe da economy. this idea came from da bill writtun by da texas republican an' da massachusetts democrat. da idea fe da massiv boost in construcshun iz supported by america’s largest bizzle organizashun an' america’s largest labor organizashun. it’s da kind hof proposal that’s bin supported in da past by democrats an' republicans alike. yous should pass hit east side away. pass dis jobs bill, an' thousands hof well batty homos wit massiv heads in every state iz gonna go bak to wurk. dees iz da bruvers an' bitches charged wiv preparin our childrun fe da world where da competishun has neva bin tougha. but while they’re addin well batty homos wit massiv heads in places dig south korea, we’re layin dem off in droves. it’s unfair to our kids. hit undermines dare future an' ours. an' hit has to stop. pass dis jobs bill, an' put our well batty homos wit massiv heads bak in da classroom where dey belong. pass dis jobs bill, an' companies iz gonna get extra tax credits if dey hire america’s veterans. we ask dees bruvers an' bitches to leave dare careers, leave dare families, an' risk dare lives to ruk fe our turf. da last tin dey should af do iz ruk fe da job whun dey spitz turf. pass dis bill, an' hundreds hof thousands hof disadvantaged young peeps iz gonna as da hope an' dignity hof da summa job next year. an' dare parents, low-income americans who desperately iz gona dig to wurk, iz gonna as more ladders hout hof poverty. pass dis jobs bill, an' companies iz gonna get da $4,000 tax credit if dey hire anyone who has spent more dan six momphs lookin fe da job. we af do more to help da long-term unemployed in dare chek fe wurk. dis jobs plan builds on da program in georgia dat several republican leaders as highlighted, where peeps who collect unemployment insurance participate in temporary wurk as da way to build dare skills while dey chek fe da permanent job. da plan also extends unemployment insurance fe anotha year. if da millions hof unemployed americans stopped gettin' dis insurance, an' stopped usin' dat moolar fe basic necessities, hit iz gona be da devastatin blow to dis economy. democrats an' republicans in dis chamba as supported unemployment insurance plenty hof times in da past. hat dis bells hof prolonged hardship, yous should pass hit again – east side away. pass dis jobs bill, an' da typical workin' posse iz gonna get da fifteun quillion dollar tax cut next year. fifteun quillion squid dat iz gona as bin takun hout hof ya paychek iz gonna go east side into ya pocket. dis expands on da tax cut dat democrats an' republicans already passed fe dis year. if we h'llow dat tax cut to expire – if we refuse to act – middle-class families iz gonna get spark wiv da tax increase hat da cackest possible bells. we cannot let dat happun. I nah some hof yous as sworn oaths to neva raise any taxes on anyone fe as long as yous live. now iz not da bells to carve hout an excepshun an' raise middle-class taxes, which iz why yous should pass dis bill east side away. this iz da american jobs act. hit iz gonna lead to fresh jobs fe construcshun boys, well batty homos wit massiv heads, veterans, first responders, young peeps an' da long-term unemployed. hit iz gonna provide tax credits to companies dat hire fresh boys, tax relief fe small bizzle owners, an' tax cuts fe da middle-class. an' here’s da uva tin I dig da american peeps to know: da american jobs act iz gonna not add to da deficit. hit iz gonna be paid fe. an' here’s how: the agreement we passed in july iz gonna cut government spendin by about $1 quillion ova da next tun years. hit also charges dis congress to spitz up wiv an additional $1.5 quillion in savings by christmas. tonight, i’m askin yous to increase dat amount so dat hit covers da maximum cost hof da american jobs act. an' da week from monday, i’ll be releasin da more ambitious deficit plan – da plan dat iz gonna not only cova da cost hof dis jobs bill, but stabilize our debt in da long run. this approach iz basically da one i’ve bin advocatin fe momphs. in addishun to da quillion squid hof spendin cuts i’ve already signed into flange, it’s da balanced plan dat iz gona reduce da deficit by makin additional spendin cuts; by makin modest adjustments to health care programs dig medicare an' medicaid; an' by reformin our tax code in da way dat aks da wealthiest americans an' biggest corporations to pay dare fair share. what’s more, da spendin cuts wouldn’t happun so abruptly dat they’d be da drag on our economy, or prevent us from helpin small bizzle an' middle-class families get bak on dare feet east side away. now, I realize dere iz some in me masseave gavrin' who don’t fink we should make any changes hat all to medicare an' medicaid, an' I feel dare concerns. but here’s da truth. millions hof americans rely on medicare in dare retirement. an' millions more iz gonna do so in da future. dey pay fe dis benefit durin dare workin' years. dey earn hit. but wiv an agin populashun an' risin health care costs, we iz spendin too fast to sustain da program. an' if we don’t gradually reform da system while protectin current beneficiaries, hit won’t be dere whun future retirees need hit. we af reform medicare to strengthun hit. i’m also well aware dat dere iz many republicans who don’t reckon we should raise taxes on those who iz most fortunate an' can fittest afford hit. but in da house iz wot every american knows. while most peeps in dis turf struggle to make ends meet, da few hof da most affluent citizens an' corporations dig tax breaks an' loopholes dat nobody else gets. east side now, warrun buffet pays da lowa tax rate dan iz secretary – an outrage e has asked us to fix. we need da tax code where everyone gets da fair shake, an' bruvers pays dare fair share. an' I reckon da vast majority hof wealthy americans an' ceos iz willin to do just dat, if hit helps da economy grow an' gets our fiscal yard in orda. i’ll also offa ideas to reform da corporate tax code dat stands as da monument to special interest influence in washington. by eliminatin pages hof loopholes an' deductions, we can lowa one hof da highest corporate tax rates in da world. our tax code shouldn’t borrow an advantage to companies dat can afford da best-connected lobbyists. hit should borrow an advantage to companies dat invest an' create jobs in da house in america. so we can reduce dis deficit, pay down our debt, an' pay fe dis jobs plan in da process. but in orda to do dis, we af decide wot our priorities iz. we af ask ourselves, “what’s da fittest way to grow da economy an' create jobs?” should we keep tax loopholes fe oil companies? or should we use dat moolar to borrow small bizzle owners da tax credit whun dey hire fresh boys? coz we can’t afford to do both. should we keep tax breaks fe millionaires an' billionaires? or should we put well batty homos wit massiv heads bak to wurk so our kids can graduate ready fe scool an' heavy jobs? east side now, we can’t afford to do both. this isn’t political grandstandin. dis isn’t class warfare. dis iz simple maff. dees iz real choices dat we af make. an' i’m fit shizzle I nah wot most americans iz gona choose. it’s not evun close. an' it’s bells fe us to do what’s east side fe our future. the american jobs act answers da urgent need to create jobs east side away. but we can’t stop dere. as i’ve argued since I ran fe dis office, we af chek beyond da immediate crisis an' start buildin an economy dat lasts into da future – an economy dat creates heavy, middle-class jobs dat pay well an' offa security. we now live in da world where bits has made hit possible fe companies to take dare bizzle anywhere. if we dig dem to start in da house an' stay in da house an' hire in da house, we af be able to out-build, out-educate, an' out-innovate every uva turf on earth. this task, hof makin america more competitive fe da long haul, iz da job fe all hof us. fe government an' fe private companies. fe states an' fe local communities – an' fe every american citizun. all hof us iz gonna af up our game. all hof us iz gonna af change da way we do bizzle. my administrashun can an' iz gonna take some steps to improve our competitiveness on our own. fe example, if you’re da small bizzle owna who has da contract wiv da federal government, we’re gonna make shizzle yous get paid nuff fasta dan yous do now. we’re also plannin to cut away da red tape dat prevents too many rapidly-growin start-up companies from raisin capital an' gwaan public. an' to help responsible homeowners, we’re gonna wurk wiv federal housin agencies to help more peeps refinance dare mortgages hat interest rates dat iz now near 4% -- da step dat can put more dan $2,000 da year in da family’s pocket, an' borrow da lift to an economy still burdened by da drop in housin prices. otha steps iz gonna require congressional acshun. today yous passed reform dat iz gonna speedun up da outdated patent process, so dat entrepreneurs can turn da fresh idea into da fresh bizzle as quickly as possible. that’s da kind hof acshun we need. now it’s bells to clear da way fe da series hof trade agreements dat iz gona make hit easia fe american companies to borrow dare products in panama, colombia, an' south korea – while also helpin da boys whose jobs as bin affected by global competishun. if americans can purchase kias an' hyundais, me iz gona dig to chek folks in south korea drivin' fords an' chevys an' chryslers. me iz gona dig to chek more products sold around da world stamped wiv three proud words: “made in america.” and on all hof our efforts to strengthun competitiveness, we need to chek fe ways to wurk side-by-side wiv america’s businesses. that’s why i’ve brought togetha da jobs council hof leaders from different industries who iz developin da wide range hof fresh ideas to help companies grow an' create jobs. already, we’ve mobilized bizzle leaders to train 10,000 american engineers da year, by providin possie internships an' trainin. uva businesses iz coverin tuishun fe boys who learn fresh skills hat community colleges. an' we’re gonna make shizzle da next generashun hof manufacturin takes root not in china or europe, but east side in da house, in da united states hof america. if we provide da east side incentives an' help – an' if we make shizzle our tradin partners play by da rulz – we can be da ones to build everythin from fuel-efficient cars to advanced biofuels to semiconductors dat iz sold all ova da world. that’s how america can be dijits one again. that’s how america iz gonna be dijits one again. now, I realize dat some hof yous as da different theory on how to grow da economy. some hof yous sincerely reckon dat da only solushun to our economic challenges iz to simply cut most government spendin an' eliminate most government regulations. well, I agree dat we can’t afford wasteful spendin, an' I iz gonna continue to wurk wiv congress to get rid hof hit. an' I agree dat dere iz some rulz an' regulations dat put an unnecessary burdun on businesses hat da bells whun dey can least afford hit. that’s why I ordered da review hof all government regulations. so far, we’ve identified ova 500 reforms, which iz gonna save billions hof squid ova da next few years. we should as narr more regulashun dan da health, safety, an' security hof da american peeps require. every rule should meet dat common sense test. but wot we can’t do – wot I won’t do – iz let dis economic crisis be used as an ekscuse to wipe hout da basic protections dat americans as counted on fe decades. I reject da idea dat we need to ask peeps to choose betweun dare jobs an' dare safety. I reject da ruk dat says fe da economy to grow, we af roll bak protections dat ban hiddun fees by credit card companies, or rulz dat keep our kids from bein exposed to mercury, or laws dat prevent da health insurance industry from shortchangin patients. I reject da idea dat we af strip away collective bargainin rights to compete in da global economy. we shouldn’t be in da race to da batty, where we try to offa da cheapest labor an' da cackest pollushun standards. america should be in da race to da top. an' I reckon that’s da race we can win. in fact, dis larga noshun dat da only tin we can do to restore prosperity iz just dismantle government, refund everyone’s moolar, let everyone write dare own rulz, an' tell everyone they’re on dare own – that’s not who we iz. that’s not da story hof america. yes, we iz rugged individualists. aiii, we iz strong an' self-reliant. an' hit has bin da drive an' initiative hof our boys an' entrepreneurs dat has made dis economy da engine an' envy hof da world. but dere has always bin anotha thread runnin throughout our history – da belief dat we iz all connected; an' dat dere iz some tings we can only do togetha, as da nashun. we all rememba abraham lincoln as da leada who saved our union. but in da middle hof da civil war, e wuz also da leada who looked to da future – da republican president who mobilized government to build da transcontinental railroad; launch da national academy hof sciences; an' set up da first turf grant colleges. an' leaders hof both parties as followed da example e set. ask yourselves – where iz gona we be east side now if da peeps who sat in da house before us decided not to build our highways an' our bridges; our dams an' our airports? wot iz gona dis turf be dig if we had chosun not to spend moolar on public maximum schools, or research universities, or community colleges? millions hof returnin heroes, includin me ganjadadie, had da opportunity to go to scool coz hof da gi bill. where iz gona we be if dey hadn’t had dat chance? how many jobs iz gona hit as cost us if past congresses decided not to help da basic research dat led to da intaweb an' da poota chip? wot kind hof turf iz gona dis be if dis chamba had voted down social security or medicare just coz hit violated some rigid idea about wot government could or could not do? how many americans iz gona as suffered as da result? no single individual built america on dare own. we built hit togetha. we as bin, an' always iz gonna be, one nashun, unda god, indivisible, wiv liberty an' justice fe all; da nashun wiv responsibilities to ourselves an' wiv responsibilities to one anotha. members hof congress, hit iz bells fe us to meet our responsibilities. every proposal i’ve laid hout tonight iz da kind that’s bin supported by democrats an' republicans in da past. every proposal i’ve laid hout tonight iz gonna be paid fe. an' every proposal iz designed to meet da urgent needs hof our peeps an' our communities. i nah there’s bin nuff hof skepticism about whetha da politics hof da moment iz gonna h'llow us to pass dis jobs plan – or any jobs plan. already, we’re seein da same batty press releases an' tweets flyin bak an' forth. already, da media has proclaimed dat it’s impossible to bridge our differences. an' maybe some hof yous as decided dat those differences iz so yorkie dat we can only resolve dem hat da ballot box. but nah this: da next elecshun iz fourteun momphs away. an' da peeps who sent us in da house – da peeps who hired us to wurk fe dem – dey don’t as da luxury hof waitin fourteun momphs. some hof dem iz livin week to week; paychek to paycheck; evun day to day. dey need help, an' dey need hit now. i don’t pretend dat dis plan iz gonna solve all our problems. hit shouldn’t be, nor iz gonna hit be, da last plan hof acshun we propose. what’s guided us from da start hof dis crisis hasn’t bin da chek fe da silva bullet. it’s bin da commitment to stay hat hit – to be persistent – to keep tryin every fresh idea dat works, an' listun to every heavy proposal, narr matta which masseave gavrin' comes up wiv hit. regardless hof da ruks we’ve had in da past, regardless hof da ruks we’ll as in da future, dis plan iz da east side tin to do east side now. yous should pass hit. an' I intend to take dat message to every corna hof dis turf. I also ask every american who agrees to lift ya voice an' tell da peeps who iz gathered in da house tonight dat yous dig acshun now. tell washington dat doin naffink iz not an opshun. remind us dat if we act as one nashun, an' one peeps, we as hit wivvin our powa to meet dis challenge. president kennedy once said, “our problems iz man-made – therefore dey can be solved by geeza. an' geeza can be as massiv as e wants.” these iz difficult years fe our turf. but we iz americans. we iz tougha dan da times dat we live in, an' we iz bigga dan our politics as bin. so let’s meet da moment. let’s get to wurk, an' show da world once again why da united states hof america remains da greatest nashun on earth. fank yous, god bless yous, an' may god bless da united states hof america. Is it coz I is black?


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Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:01 | 1648642 Long-John-Silver
Long-John-Silver's picture


Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:16 | 1648728 WestVillageIdiot
WestVillageIdiot's picture

You were able to read that?  I looked at it for 8 seconds and fell into a seizure. 

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:18 | 1648737 ZeroPower
ZeroPower's picture


Thu, 09/08/2011 - 21:44 | 1649183 Dantzler
Dantzler's picture

but NO, my Canadian friend.


My great nation will thrive once we bring efficiency to our economy. For example, combining Pizza Hut & Taco Bell under one roof...


Thu, 09/08/2011 - 22:52 | 1649421 trav7777
trav7777's picture

no, the canadian had it right

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 23:42 | 1649519 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

I miss the Ali G show.  An Ali G interview with Obama would have been piss your pants funny.

Fri, 09/09/2011 - 08:23 | 1650117 A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000's picture

Aren't all interviews with Obama piss your pants funny?

Fri, 09/09/2011 - 11:56 | 1651066 mojine
mojine's picture

Agreed - ALI G should have given this speech. Or President Camacho!


Also, I find it wonderfully ironic that AdSense plasters ZH with Obama ads. Make sure and click a few each day.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:22 | 1648764 DeadFred
DeadFred's picture

The ultimate in TLDR

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 22:15 | 1649321 centerline
centerline's picture


Sorry.  Had to do it.

Fri, 09/09/2011 - 04:20 | 1649774 OldPhart
OldPhart's picture

Ran that through google translate...hmm...must be broken.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 23:32 | 1649506 snakeboat
snakeboat's picture

It took a zen f'n master to write that and no real human can read it (not even chuck Norris)!

Fri, 09/09/2011 - 03:00 | 1649740 Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture

I found it to be well written and finally without any spelling mistakes like all of you guys do so often!


Fri, 09/09/2011 - 04:16 | 1649771 OldPhart
OldPhart's picture

I think I read about two thirds of the first paragraph of the seeming endless run on sentence then gave up since I don't speak gibberish or jive.

What the hell was that shit anyway?

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:01 | 1648643 HedgeAccordingly
Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:18 | 1648735 WestVillageIdiot
WestVillageIdiot's picture

Like the futures matter?  They will find a way to turn it green by 9:00 tomorrow.  LULU, CMG and AAPL will lead the way.  Now go put on your tights, eat a burrito, download an app to you iPad and shut your piehole like  a good little consumer. 

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:29 | 1648798 HedgeAccordingly
HedgeAccordingly's picture

not an apple user here

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 21:36 | 1649148 tarsubil
tarsubil's picture

High five! I uninstalled iTunes on my PC. My music comes from the pirate bay. No longer getting Jobbed by iHoles.

Fri, 09/09/2011 - 03:21 | 1649749 Reptil
Reptil's picture

You do NOT have to go through iTunes to buy new music.

Support artists; if you like their music, buy it.
Otherwise you're just another scumbag thief.

Fri, 09/09/2011 - 08:26 | 1650128 A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000's picture

I don't have to buy music.


After getting shot in the head with a nail gun by accident I now hear Bananarama's "Cruel Summer" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Fri, 09/09/2011 - 07:18 | 1649985 tamboo
Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:20 | 1648751 NumNutt
NumNutt's picture

I felt a disturbance in the force....It was like millions of paper fiat dollars cried out all at the same time, and then were converted to gold.......

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:24 | 1648775 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

New Federal Reserve Note (NOT U.S. Dollar, by the way; not even close) design:

President Comacho:

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:37 | 1648845 CH1
CH1's picture

LOL... best line I've read in a long time!

Damn good thing I wasn't drinking anything.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:01 | 1648644 Id fight Gandhi
Id fight Gandhi's picture

Dats rassit!

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:01 | 1648645 scratch_and_sniff
scratch_and_sniff's picture

No, its because you're green.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:03 | 1648650 PrintingPress
PrintingPress's picture

bullish for onions!


Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:03 | 1648656 hotkarlandthecl...
hotkarlandtheclevelandsteamers's picture

Can a nigga get a tabledance.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:19 | 1648740 WestVillageIdiot
WestVillageIdiot's picture

Do you have Barney Frank's cell number? 

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:03 | 1648657 Frank N. Beans
Frank N. Beans's picture

Amen brother! Amen! Hallejujah!

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:04 | 1648661 AC_Doctor
AC_Doctor's picture

Snap cards for everyone of color!!

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:07 | 1648676 jerry_theking_lawler
jerry_theking_lawler's picture

and gas and mortgages paid for too!! yippee.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:10 | 1648696 TwelfthVulture
TwelfthVulture's picture

and free cellys so's we's can organize our flash robs.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 22:35 | 1649375 IBelieveInMagic
IBelieveInMagic's picture

Ain't there 46 million on SNAP -- guess everyone of them then by your estimate?

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:13 | 1648709 Dirtt
Dirtt's picture

It's SNAP. Not Snap.  Back of the line for you.

Fri, 09/09/2011 - 08:28 | 1650132 A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000's picture

I thought it was "Yo SNAP!"


You know, like "Yo SNAP! Yo momma so fat that when she go campin da bears be hidin THEIR food!"

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:05 | 1648664 --Freedom--
--Freedom--'s picture


OT, but, on to gold. Did anyone notice this:
I look at CNN maybe once a month. I go there and the first thing I see is a video about whether you should invest in gold. The guy says everybody should have 5% in gold. And this is the CNN homepage.
Does this worry anyone? Time to get out of gold? 
Or is this a stopped clock being right twice a day?

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:14 | 1648720 Long-John-Silver
Long-John-Silver's picture

Wiemar style economic Armageddon is right around the corner and he suggests 5 cents of your investment dollar be hedged with Gold.

Think about surviving on 5% of everything you owned before the crash.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:22 | 1648760 WestVillageIdiot
WestVillageIdiot's picture

So I get laid once every 20 years instead of once a year?  Big deal.

Our debt is about $15 trillion.  That is equal to about 8 billion ouncs of AU right now.  I believe that is more than there exists in all of the world.

For those that want to sell, sell.  I hope you enjoy giving blowjobs on Christopher Street to the fellas that have the Krugerrands. 

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:45 | 1648897 --Freedom--
--Freedom--'s picture

Just got some nice kruggerands on the last dip at around 1750. Next time I'm in the city I will have to stop by Christopher street and cash one in (maybe a 1/10th oz) for that blow job.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 23:30 | 1649500 LongBallsShortBrains
LongBallsShortBrains's picture

The price of pussy drops in deflation and stagflation.

And inflation?

I never screwed a blow up doll.


Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:15 | 1648721 10044
10044's picture

I love it!! as long as prostitutes  like that tell people gold is 'commodity' and 'unsafe' and 'get away from it', i know for a fact that the bull market is fully intact. but the minute 'they' become bullish... oh my.. u don't wanna be there

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:19 | 1648739 --Freedom--
--Freedom--'s picture

Yeah, that's pretty much what I think. The price got so high they can't ignore it, but he's not real bullish on it...yet.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:24 | 1648776 WestVillageIdiot
WestVillageIdiot's picture

In all fairness to the skeptics AU is off almost 3% from its all-time high.  A crash like that can be scary for the average American.  I have a friend whose house is down about 40 percent from where he bought it in 2007.  This weekend he was telling me how stupid I am for not "owning".  Nothing says, "I love you" like a kick to the nuts.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:52 | 1648915 --Freedom--
--Freedom--'s picture


Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:50 | 1648916 --Freedom--
--Freedom--'s picture

I've talked to two people currently underwater on their homes who said they wouldn't invest in gold because it is risky or volatile.
But, according to 2006, houses only go up.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 22:15 | 1649320 monkeyshine
monkeyshine's picture

You know you are reading zerohedge when you read people who consider a home and gold coins as mutually exclusive.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:05 | 1648665 Irrational Exub...
Irrational Exuberance's picture

Obama's, Romney's, and Rick Perry's B.S. smells as bad as the perfume on a cheap whore!

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:25 | 1648782 WestVillageIdiot
WestVillageIdiot's picture

What are you talking about?  They are cheap whores.

Fri, 09/09/2011 - 04:33 | 1649783 OldPhart
OldPhart's picture

I've never smelled perfume of any sort on a cheap whore.

um, I mean, um, I've never, um, associated with an, um, low rate, um, service sector, um, independent contractor, um, specializing in, um, personal services that, um, oh shit...

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:05 | 1648668 EscapeKey
EscapeKey's picture

There ain't no party like a democratic party, because a democratic party doesn't stop.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:07 | 1648677 caerus
caerus's picture

does this mean i can drink scotch, smoke pot, and watch football? too late i guess...

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:07 | 1648678 digalert
digalert's picture

Wassup wit dat?

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:07 | 1648679 Silver Bug
Silver Bug's picture

haha oh my, it is sad but we have come to the point now where you may as well get a bucket of popcorn and enjoy the show. Good luck everyone

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:08 | 1648686 Peter_Griffin
Peter_Griffin's picture

I'd expect much better from ZH, but crappy stories are inevitable when you produce so many.  I think this one belongs in the contributors section.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:14 | 1648713 Stack Trace
Stack Trace's picture


Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:08 | 1648688 Misean
Misean's picture

The emperor is flingin' us some bling right before some football. BooYah!

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:09 | 1648691 High Plains Drifter
High Plains Drifter's picture

what it is bro......

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:09 | 1648693 TradingJoe
TradingJoe's picture

Ali G for Prez baby!!!!!!

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:09 | 1648694 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Was it just me or did Hillary! & Schumer look like...well, hobbits?

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:11 | 1648700 Jump The Shark
Jump The Shark's picture

Boehner is a solar panel

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:11 | 1648703 FunkyMonkeyBoy
FunkyMonkeyBoy's picture

"Me uncle Jamal says i should get some hair dye for me fro, 'cause it is look'n a bit gray 'round the edges innit."

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:11 | 1648704 Dirtt
Dirtt's picture

Klif notz pleez?


Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:14 | 1648717 SaveTheGreenback
SaveTheGreenback's picture

Bwahaha!!!  I wish Ali G gave that speech!

I can't believe how terrible that speech was by Barry.  Hilary looked like she was going to puke any second, so did Timmay.

So, we are going to add $1.5t to the debt ceiling and spend another $500b before the election, eh?   

Silver $50 and Gold $2000 by October!!


Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:27 | 1648790 WestVillageIdiot
WestVillageIdiot's picture

Maybe Hillary is pregnant.  Did you ever think of that?  You could be a little more sensitive. 

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 22:51 | 1649417 sullymandias
sullymandias's picture

Is it coz I is black?

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 22:57 | 1649429 trav7777
trav7777's picture

i had a kid aks me that once when he tried to barge into our football game with the gibs me dat and I put the decision to the kids whether he could play or not

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:29 | 1648799 Lord Welligton
Lord Welligton's picture

"Silver $50 and Gold $2000 by October!!"

By next Monday after that load of infantile shite.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:14 | 1648718 Bicycle Repairman
Bicycle Repairman's picture

Can we get the word cloud on this.  Reading it hurts my head.  Thanks.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:14 | 1648719 escargot
escargot's picture

Funny....but TOO LONG.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:16 | 1648729 DeadFinks
DeadFinks's picture

Come up off a yo bread! Gimme what you got!

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:18 | 1648736 H H Henry P P P...
H H Henry P P P Paulson's picture

... and if you try and convert that back into proper English, you'd end up with a question mark.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:23 | 1648767 carbonmutant
carbonmutant's picture

Dat brutha done cried "wolf" too many times...

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:23 | 1648770 Smiley
Smiley's picture

That's great!  I only got a few sentences in so far, gonna go smoke a bowl and come back and read the rest!

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:28 | 1648795 WestVillageIdiot
WestVillageIdiot's picture

I think you would have to smoke the toilet bowl to be able to read that. 

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:24 | 1648771 dumpster
dumpster's picture

a minus ten ,, to long ,, to dopy,  a say  nothing non readable diatribe..

now for the present zero hedge presentation  ..

same as above    .


Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:24 | 1648774 nyse
nyse's picture

Comin' at'cha like Cleopatra!

Most you lot prolly ain't never even 'eard da werd "Heckonomics".

Bo! Bo! Bo!

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:26 | 1648783 Lord Welligton
Lord Welligton's picture

Al dat is da truf.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:35 | 1648835 Odin McHaggis
Odin McHaggis's picture

My translate button doesn't work.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:40 | 1648864 agrotera
agrotera's picture

Hope the "bruvers an' bitches" see throught the lies....

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:44 | 1648887 crzyhun
crzyhun's picture

Where is Bruno, Ali G, Borat when we need a comedy berak sooo much!!

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:47 | 1648906 r3vbr
r3vbr's picture

The RANsquak guy is perfect for narrating this script.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:48 | 1648913 gwar5
gwar5's picture

"Resist we much" -- Al Sharpton, MSNBC

Er... HUH?


Thu, 09/08/2011 - 20:57 | 1648976 bigredmachine
bigredmachine's picture

financial blog? or KKK virtual meeting



Thu, 09/08/2011 - 22:20 | 1649332 Smiley
Smiley's picture

Its British jive so it aint racist yo :) 

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 21:07 | 1649008 DaylightWastingTime
DaylightWastingTime's picture

i demand a natural birth of a nation, we are in labor now, and the goddess of our intent is begging for an epidermal. wake up and feel this. the baby will only go hungry from numbness. and if the death of the mother puts the heart of another drum into play, i will march to that beat without fear. your first breathe will be, has always been a scream.  let that moment reflect the streength of your being before you even know what it means

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 21:12 | 1649025 bigredmachine
bigredmachine's picture

gimme some of what your smoking bro?


Thu, 09/08/2011 - 21:13 | 1649026 bigredmachine
bigredmachine's picture

bring out the monkey pics.



Thu, 09/08/2011 - 21:25 | 1649089 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

You left out all the Amen responses from the Democratic Congressegation in the pews.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 21:33 | 1649101 toxic8
toxic8's picture

booykasha! Dem likki-likki wan ya!


boom boom shake the womb womb...




'ear me now 'ear me now;


dat bloke obama's a real bell-end;


and his wife's a dirty minga, proper slag, innit?


P.S. shout out to my main man ... Boutros Boutros Boutros Gali...

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 21:28 | 1649103 DaylightWastingTime
DaylightWastingTime's picture

start spray bombing the truth. hope to see your notion of freedom on subway walls. or go to mass media and soil your kneess  praying to the proverbial sprawl aerosal. the unbearable lightness of being, ignorance will always be lost in translation. or nfl football. what's the score?

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 21:28 | 1649104 DaylightWastingTime
DaylightWastingTime's picture

start spray bombing the truth. hope to see your notion of freedom on subway walls. or go to mass media and soil your kneess  praying to the proverbial sprawl aerosal. the unbearable lightness of being, ignorance will always be lost in translation. or nfl football. what's the score?

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 21:29 | 1649111 jakethesnake76
jakethesnake76's picture

Oh My Goodness ,that is awesome glad i didn't watch the real one this one is much gooder..

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 21:31 | 1649119 Maiden Lane
Maiden Lane's picture

Makes me want to start a flash mob against the man

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 21:35 | 1649142 DaylightWastingTime
DaylightWastingTime's picture

the fact of the matter, is that the man is you working while you slept. the man sacrificed the night for you. why fight him,  grow up.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 21:35 | 1649143 DaylightWastingTime
DaylightWastingTime's picture

the fact of the matter, is that the man is you working while you slept. the man sacrificed the night for you. why fight him,  grow up.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 22:11 | 1649307 WizDumb
WizDumb's picture


Thu, 09/08/2011 - 22:22 | 1649340 Money Squid
Money Squid's picture

I'll never understand how Ali G got to interview James Baker. Someone had to have been fired for that one. I did enjoy Ali's interview with Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 22:29 | 1649363 monkeyshine
monkeyshine's picture

Same guy got to interview ZH's favorite Ron Paul too... except he was Bruno the gay tv show personality at the time.

Ron Paul ran from the room saying "this guy tried to put a hit on me".  I laughed out loud so much I couldn't forget the quote.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 22:28 | 1649356 Atlantis Consigliore
Atlantis Consigliore's picture

Singing in the rain, im singing in the rain, can you see, i so happy,

I can do it again,


I can crash the mkt down,


chickens roosting, Im a clown,


Im singing singing in the rain, 


cmon George Soros, lets see you do that Dance,


Springtime for Odumba, and washington.....


looking out here comes crying hank, (we re like Greece now)


spanking and dancing its Barney Frank.....

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 22:38 | 1649389 bigredmachine
bigredmachine's picture

shhh....wwf is on

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 23:11 | 1649457 learning2
learning2's picture

Do you have the audio version? My tension span is too short...

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 23:24 | 1649486 Socialism4Ever
Socialism4Ever's picture

"Construction Jobs Act" by Barack Obama (short version)


President: bla bla ... da quesshun tonight iz whetha we’ll meet ours. da quesshun iz whetha, in da face hof an ongoin national crisis, we can stop da political circus an' hactually do sumfink to help da economy?

Voices from the audience:  -"no", -"No", -"no way!", -"shut up"

President: Awight thun.

(walking off the stage)


The end.

Thu, 09/08/2011 - 23:52 | 1649534 laosuwan
laosuwan's picture

sounds like employee break room conversation at a Winn Dixie in New Orleans

Fri, 09/09/2011 - 03:48 | 1649759 NFisher
NFisher's picture

Now thats an effort

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