What the hell: this is no longer even a Banana republic. We are now officially an Onion republic. So let's party like it's an Onion republic.
Courtesy of the Ali G translator (obviously)
Mr. speaka, mr. vice president, members hof congress, an' fellow americans: tonight we meet hat an urgent bells fe our turf. we continue to face an economic crisis dat has westside side millions hof our neighbors jobless, an' da political crisis dat has made tings worse. this past week, reporters as bin askin “what iz gonna dis speech mean fe da president? wot iz gonna hit mean fe congress? how iz gonna hit affect dare polls, an' da next elecshun?” but da millions hof americans who iz watchin east side now: dey don’t care about politics. dey as real life concerns. many as spent momphs lookin fe wurk. others iz doin dare fittest just to scrape by – givin up nights hout wiv da posse to save on gas or make da mortgage; postponin retirement to send da kid to scool. these bruvers an' bitches grew up wiv faith in an america where ard wurk an' responsibility paid off. dey believed in da turf where everyone gets da fair shake an' does dare fair share – where if yous stepped up, did ya job, an' wuz loyal to ya possie, dat loyalty iz gona be rewarded wiv da decent salary an' heavy benefits; maybe da raise once in awhile. if yous did da east side tin, yous could make hit in america. but fe decades now, americans as watched dat compact erode. dey as seun da dek too oftun stacked against dem. an' dey nah dat washington hasn’t always put dare interests first. the peeps hof dis turf wurk ard to meet dare responsibilities. da quesshun tonight iz whetha we’ll meet ours. da quesshun iz whetha, in da face hof an ongoin national crisis, we can stop da political circus an' hactually do sumfink to help da economy; whetha we can restore some hof da fairness an' security dat has defined dis nashun since our beginnin. those hof us in da house tonight can’t solve all hof our nation’s woes. ultimately, our recovery iz gonna be drivun not by washington, but by our businesses an' our boys. but we can help. we can make da difference. dere iz steps we can take east side now to improve people’s lives. i iz sendin dis congress da plan dat yous should pass east side away. it’s called da american jobs act. dere should be naffink controversial about dis piece hof legislashun. everythin in in da house iz da kind hof proposal that’s bin supported by both democrats an' republicans – includin many who sit in da house tonight. an' everythin in dis bill iz gonna be paid fe. everythin. the purpose hof da american jobs act iz simple: to put more peeps bak to wurk an' more moolar in da pockets hof those who iz workin'. hit iz gonna create more jobs fe construcshun boys, more jobs fe well batty homos wit massiv heads, more jobs fe veterans, an' more jobs fe da long-term unemployed. hit iz gonna provide da tax bus' fe companies who hire fresh boys, an' hit iz gonna cut payroll taxes in half fe every workin' american an' every small bizzle. hit iz gonna provide da jolt to an economy dat has stalled, an' borrow companies confidence dat if dey invest an' hire, dere iz gonna be customers fe dare products an' services. yous should pass dis jobs plan east side away. everyone in da house knows dat small businesses iz where most fresh jobs begin. an' yous nah dat while corporate profits as spitz roarin bak, smalla companies haven’t. so fe everyone who speaks so passionately about makin life easia fe “job creators,” dis plan iz fe yous. pass dis jobs bill, an' startin tomorrow, small businesses iz gonna get da tax cut if dey hire fresh boys or raise workers’ wages. pass dis jobs bill, an' all small bizzle owners iz gonna also chek dare payroll taxes cut in half next year. if yous as 50 employees makin an average salary, that’s an $80,000 tax cut. an' all businesses iz gonna be able to continue writin off da investments dey make in 2012. it’s not just democrats who as supported dis kind hof proposal. fifty yard republicans as proposed da same payroll tax cut that’s in dis plan. yous should pass hit east side away. pass dis jobs bill, an' we can put peeps to wurk rebuildin america. everyone in da house knows dat we as badly decayin roads an' bridges all ova dis turf. our highways iz clogged wiv traffic. our skies iz da most congested in da world. this iz inexcusable. buildin da world-class transportashun system iz part hof wot made us an economic superpowa. an' now we’re gonna sit bak an' watch china build newa airports an' fasta railroads? hat da bells whun millions hof unemployed construcshun boys could build dem east side in da house in america? there iz private construcshun companies all across america just waitin to get to wurk. there’s da bridge dat needs repair betweun ohio an' kentucky that’s on one hof da busiest truckin routes in north america. da public transit project in houston dat iz gonna help clear up one hof da cackest areas hof traffic in da turf. an' dere iz schools throughout dis turf dat desperately need renovatin. how can we expect our kids to do dare fittest in places dat iz literally fallin apart? dis iz america. every child deserves da yorkie scool – an' we can borrow hit to dem, if we act now. the american jobs act iz gonna repair an' modernize hat least 35,000 schools. hit iz gonna put peeps to wurk east side now fixin roofs an' windows; installin science labs an' high-speed intaweb in classrooms all across dis turf. hit iz gonna rehabilitate homes an' businesses in communities spark hardest by foreclosures. hit iz gonna jumpstart thousands hof transportashun projects across da turf. an' to make shizzle da moolar iz properly spent an' fe heavy purposes, we’re buildin on reforms we’ve already put in place. narr more earmarks. narr more boondoggles. narr more bridges to nowhere. we’re cuttin da red tape dat prevents some hof dees projects from gettin' started as quickly as possible. an' we’ll set up an independent fund to attract private squid an' issue loans based on two criteria: how badly da construcshun project iz needed an' how much heavy hit iz gona do fe da economy. this idea came from da bill writtun by da texas republican an' da massachusetts democrat. da idea fe da massiv boost in construcshun iz supported by america’s largest bizzle organizashun an' america’s largest labor organizashun. it’s da kind hof proposal that’s bin supported in da past by democrats an' republicans alike. yous should pass hit east side away. pass dis jobs bill, an' thousands hof well batty homos wit massiv heads in every state iz gonna go bak to wurk. dees iz da bruvers an' bitches charged wiv preparin our childrun fe da world where da competishun has neva bin tougha. but while they’re addin well batty homos wit massiv heads in places dig south korea, we’re layin dem off in droves. it’s unfair to our kids. hit undermines dare future an' ours. an' hit has to stop. pass dis jobs bill, an' put our well batty homos wit massiv heads bak in da classroom where dey belong. pass dis jobs bill, an' companies iz gonna get extra tax credits if dey hire america’s veterans. we ask dees bruvers an' bitches to leave dare careers, leave dare families, an' risk dare lives to ruk fe our turf. da last tin dey should af do iz ruk fe da job whun dey spitz turf. pass dis bill, an' hundreds hof thousands hof disadvantaged young peeps iz gonna as da hope an' dignity hof da summa job next year. an' dare parents, low-income americans who desperately iz gona dig to wurk, iz gonna as more ladders hout hof poverty. pass dis jobs bill, an' companies iz gonna get da $4,000 tax credit if dey hire anyone who has spent more dan six momphs lookin fe da job. we af do more to help da long-term unemployed in dare chek fe wurk. dis jobs plan builds on da program in georgia dat several republican leaders as highlighted, where peeps who collect unemployment insurance participate in temporary wurk as da way to build dare skills while dey chek fe da permanent job. da plan also extends unemployment insurance fe anotha year. if da millions hof unemployed americans stopped gettin' dis insurance, an' stopped usin' dat moolar fe basic necessities, hit iz gona be da devastatin blow to dis economy. democrats an' republicans in dis chamba as supported unemployment insurance plenty hof times in da past. hat dis bells hof prolonged hardship, yous should pass hit again – east side away. pass dis jobs bill, an' da typical workin' posse iz gonna get da fifteun quillion dollar tax cut next year. fifteun quillion squid dat iz gona as bin takun hout hof ya paychek iz gonna go east side into ya pocket. dis expands on da tax cut dat democrats an' republicans already passed fe dis year. if we h'llow dat tax cut to expire – if we refuse to act – middle-class families iz gonna get spark wiv da tax increase hat da cackest possible bells. we cannot let dat happun. I nah some hof yous as sworn oaths to neva raise any taxes on anyone fe as long as yous live. now iz not da bells to carve hout an excepshun an' raise middle-class taxes, which iz why yous should pass dis bill east side away. this iz da american jobs act. hit iz gonna lead to fresh jobs fe construcshun boys, well batty homos wit massiv heads, veterans, first responders, young peeps an' da long-term unemployed. hit iz gonna provide tax credits to companies dat hire fresh boys, tax relief fe small bizzle owners, an' tax cuts fe da middle-class. an' here’s da uva tin I dig da american peeps to know: da american jobs act iz gonna not add to da deficit. hit iz gonna be paid fe. an' here’s how: the agreement we passed in july iz gonna cut government spendin by about $1 quillion ova da next tun years. hit also charges dis congress to spitz up wiv an additional $1.5 quillion in savings by christmas. tonight, i’m askin yous to increase dat amount so dat hit covers da maximum cost hof da american jobs act. an' da week from monday, i’ll be releasin da more ambitious deficit plan – da plan dat iz gonna not only cova da cost hof dis jobs bill, but stabilize our debt in da long run. this approach iz basically da one i’ve bin advocatin fe momphs. in addishun to da quillion squid hof spendin cuts i’ve already signed into flange, it’s da balanced plan dat iz gona reduce da deficit by makin additional spendin cuts; by makin modest adjustments to health care programs dig medicare an' medicaid; an' by reformin our tax code in da way dat aks da wealthiest americans an' biggest corporations to pay dare fair share. what’s more, da spendin cuts wouldn’t happun so abruptly dat they’d be da drag on our economy, or prevent us from helpin small bizzle an' middle-class families get bak on dare feet east side away. now, I realize dere iz some in me masseave gavrin' who don’t fink we should make any changes hat all to medicare an' medicaid, an' I feel dare concerns. but here’s da truth. millions hof americans rely on medicare in dare retirement. an' millions more iz gonna do so in da future. dey pay fe dis benefit durin dare workin' years. dey earn hit. but wiv an agin populashun an' risin health care costs, we iz spendin too fast to sustain da program. an' if we don’t gradually reform da system while protectin current beneficiaries, hit won’t be dere whun future retirees need hit. we af reform medicare to strengthun hit. i’m also well aware dat dere iz many republicans who don’t reckon we should raise taxes on those who iz most fortunate an' can fittest afford hit. but in da house iz wot every american knows. while most peeps in dis turf struggle to make ends meet, da few hof da most affluent citizens an' corporations dig tax breaks an' loopholes dat nobody else gets. east side now, warrun buffet pays da lowa tax rate dan iz secretary – an outrage e has asked us to fix. we need da tax code where everyone gets da fair shake, an' bruvers pays dare fair share. an' I reckon da vast majority hof wealthy americans an' ceos iz willin to do just dat, if hit helps da economy grow an' gets our fiscal yard in orda. i’ll also offa ideas to reform da corporate tax code dat stands as da monument to special interest influence in washington. by eliminatin pages hof loopholes an' deductions, we can lowa one hof da highest corporate tax rates in da world. our tax code shouldn’t borrow an advantage to companies dat can afford da best-connected lobbyists. hit should borrow an advantage to companies dat invest an' create jobs in da house in america. so we can reduce dis deficit, pay down our debt, an' pay fe dis jobs plan in da process. but in orda to do dis, we af decide wot our priorities iz. we af ask ourselves, “what’s da fittest way to grow da economy an' create jobs?” should we keep tax loopholes fe oil companies? or should we use dat moolar to borrow small bizzle owners da tax credit whun dey hire fresh boys? coz we can’t afford to do both. should we keep tax breaks fe millionaires an' billionaires? or should we put well batty homos wit massiv heads bak to wurk so our kids can graduate ready fe scool an' heavy jobs? east side now, we can’t afford to do both. this isn’t political grandstandin. dis isn’t class warfare. dis iz simple maff. dees iz real choices dat we af make. an' i’m fit shizzle I nah wot most americans iz gona choose. it’s not evun close. an' it’s bells fe us to do what’s east side fe our future. the american jobs act answers da urgent need to create jobs east side away. but we can’t stop dere. as i’ve argued since I ran fe dis office, we af chek beyond da immediate crisis an' start buildin an economy dat lasts into da future – an economy dat creates heavy, middle-class jobs dat pay well an' offa security. we now live in da world where bits has made hit possible fe companies to take dare bizzle anywhere. if we dig dem to start in da house an' stay in da house an' hire in da house, we af be able to out-build, out-educate, an' out-innovate every uva turf on earth. this task, hof makin america more competitive fe da long haul, iz da job fe all hof us. fe government an' fe private companies. fe states an' fe local communities – an' fe every american citizun. all hof us iz gonna af up our game. all hof us iz gonna af change da way we do bizzle. my administrashun can an' iz gonna take some steps to improve our competitiveness on our own. fe example, if you’re da small bizzle owna who has da contract wiv da federal government, we’re gonna make shizzle yous get paid nuff fasta dan yous do now. we’re also plannin to cut away da red tape dat prevents too many rapidly-growin start-up companies from raisin capital an' gwaan public. an' to help responsible homeowners, we’re gonna wurk wiv federal housin agencies to help more peeps refinance dare mortgages hat interest rates dat iz now near 4% -- da step dat can put more dan $2,000 da year in da family’s pocket, an' borrow da lift to an economy still burdened by da drop in housin prices. otha steps iz gonna require congressional acshun. today yous passed reform dat iz gonna speedun up da outdated patent process, so dat entrepreneurs can turn da fresh idea into da fresh bizzle as quickly as possible. that’s da kind hof acshun we need. now it’s bells to clear da way fe da series hof trade agreements dat iz gona make hit easia fe american companies to borrow dare products in panama, colombia, an' south korea – while also helpin da boys whose jobs as bin affected by global competishun. if americans can purchase kias an' hyundais, me iz gona dig to chek folks in south korea drivin' fords an' chevys an' chryslers. me iz gona dig to chek more products sold around da world stamped wiv three proud words: “made in america.” and on all hof our efforts to strengthun competitiveness, we need to chek fe ways to wurk side-by-side wiv america’s businesses. that’s why i’ve brought togetha da jobs council hof leaders from different industries who iz developin da wide range hof fresh ideas to help companies grow an' create jobs. already, we’ve mobilized bizzle leaders to train 10,000 american engineers da year, by providin possie internships an' trainin. uva businesses iz coverin tuishun fe boys who learn fresh skills hat community colleges. an' we’re gonna make shizzle da next generashun hof manufacturin takes root not in china or europe, but east side in da house, in da united states hof america. if we provide da east side incentives an' help – an' if we make shizzle our tradin partners play by da rulz – we can be da ones to build everythin from fuel-efficient cars to advanced biofuels to semiconductors dat iz sold all ova da world. that’s how america can be dijits one again. that’s how america iz gonna be dijits one again. now, I realize dat some hof yous as da different theory on how to grow da economy. some hof yous sincerely reckon dat da only solushun to our economic challenges iz to simply cut most government spendin an' eliminate most government regulations. well, I agree dat we can’t afford wasteful spendin, an' I iz gonna continue to wurk wiv congress to get rid hof hit. an' I agree dat dere iz some rulz an' regulations dat put an unnecessary burdun on businesses hat da bells whun dey can least afford hit. that’s why I ordered da review hof all government regulations. so far, we’ve identified ova 500 reforms, which iz gonna save billions hof squid ova da next few years. we should as narr more regulashun dan da health, safety, an' security hof da american peeps require. every rule should meet dat common sense test. but wot we can’t do – wot I won’t do – iz let dis economic crisis be used as an ekscuse to wipe hout da basic protections dat americans as counted on fe decades. I reject da idea dat we need to ask peeps to choose betweun dare jobs an' dare safety. I reject da ruk dat says fe da economy to grow, we af roll bak protections dat ban hiddun fees by credit card companies, or rulz dat keep our kids from bein exposed to mercury, or laws dat prevent da health insurance industry from shortchangin patients. I reject da idea dat we af strip away collective bargainin rights to compete in da global economy. we shouldn’t be in da race to da batty, where we try to offa da cheapest labor an' da cackest pollushun standards. america should be in da race to da top. an' I reckon that’s da race we can win. in fact, dis larga noshun dat da only tin we can do to restore prosperity iz just dismantle government, refund everyone’s moolar, let everyone write dare own rulz, an' tell everyone they’re on dare own – that’s not who we iz. that’s not da story hof america. yes, we iz rugged individualists. aiii, we iz strong an' self-reliant. an' hit has bin da drive an' initiative hof our boys an' entrepreneurs dat has made dis economy da engine an' envy hof da world. but dere has always bin anotha thread runnin throughout our history – da belief dat we iz all connected; an' dat dere iz some tings we can only do togetha, as da nashun. we all rememba abraham lincoln as da leada who saved our union. but in da middle hof da civil war, e wuz also da leada who looked to da future – da republican president who mobilized government to build da transcontinental railroad; launch da national academy hof sciences; an' set up da first turf grant colleges. an' leaders hof both parties as followed da example e set. ask yourselves – where iz gona we be east side now if da peeps who sat in da house before us decided not to build our highways an' our bridges; our dams an' our airports? wot iz gona dis turf be dig if we had chosun not to spend moolar on public maximum schools, or research universities, or community colleges? millions hof returnin heroes, includin me ganjadadie, had da opportunity to go to scool coz hof da gi bill. where iz gona we be if dey hadn’t had dat chance? how many jobs iz gona hit as cost us if past congresses decided not to help da basic research dat led to da intaweb an' da poota chip? wot kind hof turf iz gona dis be if dis chamba had voted down social security or medicare just coz hit violated some rigid idea about wot government could or could not do? how many americans iz gona as suffered as da result? no single individual built america on dare own. we built hit togetha. we as bin, an' always iz gonna be, one nashun, unda god, indivisible, wiv liberty an' justice fe all; da nashun wiv responsibilities to ourselves an' wiv responsibilities to one anotha. members hof congress, hit iz bells fe us to meet our responsibilities. every proposal i’ve laid hout tonight iz da kind that’s bin supported by democrats an' republicans in da past. every proposal i’ve laid hout tonight iz gonna be paid fe. an' every proposal iz designed to meet da urgent needs hof our peeps an' our communities. i nah there’s bin nuff hof skepticism about whetha da politics hof da moment iz gonna h'llow us to pass dis jobs plan – or any jobs plan. already, we’re seein da same batty press releases an' tweets flyin bak an' forth. already, da media has proclaimed dat it’s impossible to bridge our differences. an' maybe some hof yous as decided dat those differences iz so yorkie dat we can only resolve dem hat da ballot box. but nah this: da next elecshun iz fourteun momphs away. an' da peeps who sent us in da house – da peeps who hired us to wurk fe dem – dey don’t as da luxury hof waitin fourteun momphs. some hof dem iz livin week to week; paychek to paycheck; evun day to day. dey need help, an' dey need hit now. i don’t pretend dat dis plan iz gonna solve all our problems. hit shouldn’t be, nor iz gonna hit be, da last plan hof acshun we propose. what’s guided us from da start hof dis crisis hasn’t bin da chek fe da silva bullet. it’s bin da commitment to stay hat hit – to be persistent – to keep tryin every fresh idea dat works, an' listun to every heavy proposal, narr matta which masseave gavrin' comes up wiv hit. regardless hof da ruks we’ve had in da past, regardless hof da ruks we’ll as in da future, dis plan iz da east side tin to do east side now. yous should pass hit. an' I intend to take dat message to every corna hof dis turf. I also ask every american who agrees to lift ya voice an' tell da peeps who iz gathered in da house tonight dat yous dig acshun now. tell washington dat doin naffink iz not an opshun. remind us dat if we act as one nashun, an' one peeps, we as hit wivvin our powa to meet dis challenge. president kennedy once said, “our problems iz man-made – therefore dey can be solved by geeza. an' geeza can be as massiv as e wants.” these iz difficult years fe our turf. but we iz americans. we iz tougha dan da times dat we live in, an' we iz bigga dan our politics as bin. so let’s meet da moment. let’s get to wurk, an' show da world once again why da united states hof america remains da greatest nashun on earth. fank yous, god bless yous, an' may god bless da united states hof america. Is it coz I is black?