Obama's TOTUS Has Been Stolen

Tyler Durden's picture

A truck carrying President Obama's Presidential teleprompter, seals, podiums and $200,000 worth of audio equipment has been stolen north of Richmond. Worst (or best) case, this means a premature end to the president's "informational" (and mass alcohol poisoning enabling) tour.

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GeneMarchbanks's picture

You're firing these articles off at meth speed.

Someone is beating the shit out that equipment in a field somewhere OfficeSpace style.

theXman's picture

Sometimes life is funnier than comedy. Why didn't Onion News think of this earlier?

bania's picture

Because I don't think you can make this stuff up.

redpill's picture

Holy shit!  Someone contact the Vice TOTUS!

Ahmeexnal's picture

Time to code an iPad Teleprompter widget for such emergencies.

FEDbuster's picture

Start scaning Ebay and Richmond Craigslist, keyword "teleprompter". 


Maybe it will show up at #occupyDC ?

Cpl Hicks's picture

NYT online personals:

"Jug-eared mulatto desperately seeking lost teleprompter. Will trade health care exemption for return."

hedgeless_horseman's picture

Not worth it.  The POTUS' health care exemptions are a dime a dozen.

He will need to put up something of real value...like his copy of PhotoshopTM with the Official Hawaiian State Seal template and the hard-to-find Baby Footprint Maker add-on. 

BorisTheBlade's picture

Onion is frontrunning 'real' news:

Onion months ago: http://www.theonion.com/video/911-conspiracy-theories-ridiculous-al-qaed...

Rest of the world in September: http://www.thestar.com/news/world/article/1061773--iran-s-sept-11-theori...

Onion moths ago: http://www.theonion.com/video/obamas-home-teleprompter-malfunctions-duri...

Rest of the world today, well, even Onion can't keep up with this thing somehow still called reality anymore.

Long-John-Silver's picture

Every Tyler Durden must come in on Mondays and make a physical appearance.

vast-dom's picture

My kingdom for a bottle of XR Adderall 40mg!

JohnG's picture

I can make that happen....

swamp's picture

Stop with the all bold

Innocent Bystander's picture

It is learned Mr. TPrompter has resigned from Obama administration following many other notables who have left the ship in the last year. 

Given his skill set, TPrompter is putting together an exploratory team and may consider running for the office that he ran behind the scenes for the last 4 years. – Tprompter for 2012.


krispkritter's picture

That was an inside job. Michelle...

Hugh G Rection's picture

I bet it was a joint Iranian/Cartel operation.

Fucking hilarious though :-)

Hman's picture

The president is literally speechless ...

achmachat's picture

ok.. who here was it?

DaveyJones's picture

that guy's direction was stolen a long time ago

Ruffcut's picture

Ok, It was me. I have been looking for the coolest karaoke system around. My only complaint is all the lyrics are in pig latin, arabic or tongues. And subliminals keep popping that say "hope" and "change". It really screws up my vocal meter.

BorisTheBlade's picture

You seem to treat him ok:

These guys hosting me seem like a decent bunch of fellows. Lloyd and Jamie usually drop by to chat with me around noon time, asking if I'm comfortable, connecting their Bloomberg terminal feeds to my screens, they say, so they can keep up with current events. Dick stops by later in the afternoon just to check in on me. They all seem perfectly civilized, and they don't seem to want anything. No ransom, no demands, no threats.


Concentrated power has always been the enemy of liberty.'s picture

we live in sad times, however, the stolen teleprompter makes me happy.

Nascent_Variable's picture

Given its prominent role, I'm pretty sure stealing Obama's teleprompter counts as a coup.

DeltaDawn's picture

Attempted assassination of Saudi diplomat? Stealing teleprompter? What will the Iranians do next? This means war.....

SheepDog-One's picture


Vincent Vega's picture

Let me just add: BWAAHAAAAAAAAAAA!

Unfortunately this will probably lead to more regulation, the creation of a new agency, a special task force, Congressional hearings, appointment of a new Czar, and $25B in new equipment and technology to replace that which was stolen.

FEDbuster's picture

Wonder if they left the "football" in the truck, too.  It's no good without the daily nuke codes, but it would make a good collectable.

Zero Debt's picture

Or why none of the existing top 45 secret organizations in America was able to foresee this.


BorisTheBlade's picture

As if it's in there interest to prevent something that leads to more government spending. Red flag.

slaughterer's picture

Guess he will just have to scream and improvise his texts wearing a T-shirt with the American flag on it like the rest of us.  

Irish66's picture

Holiday Inn Express

LawsofPhysics's picture

Clearly, a local band was in need of a P.A. system.

DaveyJones's picture

or students trying to pay off a loan

Zero Debt's picture

lol they should have stolen the national debt clock instead

Captain Willard's picture


When the TOTUS is recovered, Obama will sound like  Nigel Tufnall of Spinal Tap.

lizzy36's picture

They should check the local pawn shops, presidential seal ought to be some decent collateral (tee hee).

Probably a mexican stole it, under direction of Iran, repo'd at the local pawn shop. Par for  the course these days.

slewie the pi-rat's picture

i wouldn't trade mine for OJ's Heisman!

Scalaris's picture

Bet it was Iran with the help of the mexican cartels.

Long-John-Silver's picture

Every speech Obama will make over the next year has been exposed. When attempting to sell it the thieves discovered it's the same shit he's been repeating over and over these last three years. The thieves simply walked away in disgust. 

pauhana's picture

Does that mean Obama is speechless?  We can only hope . .

john39's picture

rest assured that one of his many back up units is being flown in on an f15 as I type...

depression's picture


It's important stuff like this that starts world wars.

reinman60's picture

Some thief has a great sense of humor.

buzzsaw99's picture