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Obama's TOTUS Has Been Stolen

Tyler Durden's picture





 

A truck carrying President Obama's Presidential teleprompter, seals, podiums and $200,000 worth of audio equipment has been stolen north of Richmond. Worst (or best) case, this means a premature end to the president's "informational" (and mass alcohol poisoning enabling) tour.

View more videos at: http://nbcwashington.com.

 


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Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:16 | Link to Comment GeneMarchbanks
GeneMarchbanks's picture

You're firing these articles off at meth speed.

Someone is beating the shit out that equipment in a field somewhere OfficeSpace style.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:17 | Link to Comment theXman
theXman's picture

Sometimes life is funnier than comedy. Why didn't Onion News think of this earlier?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:19 | Link to Comment bania
bania's picture

Because I don't think you can make this stuff up.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:20 | Link to Comment redpill
redpill's picture

Holy shit!  Someone contact the Vice TOTUS!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:22 | Link to Comment Ahmeexnal
Ahmeexnal's picture

Time to code an iPad Teleprompter widget for such emergencies.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:24 | Link to Comment NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Kindle for iPad.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:59 | Link to Comment Mauibrad
Mauibrad's picture

Shit happens, bitchez.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 13:41 | Link to Comment trav7777
trav7777's picture

richmond demographics....hmmm

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:24 | Link to Comment FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Start scaning Ebay and Richmond Craigslist, keyword "teleprompter". 

 

Maybe it will show up at #occupyDC ?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:33 | Link to Comment Cpl Hicks
Cpl Hicks's picture

NYT online personals:

"Jug-eared mulatto desperately seeking lost teleprompter. Will trade health care exemption for return."

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:39 | Link to Comment hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

Not worth it.  The POTUS' health care exemptions are a dime a dozen.

He will need to put up something of real value...like his copy of PhotoshopTM with the Official Hawaiian State Seal template and the hard-to-find Baby Footprint Maker add-on. 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:27 | Link to Comment BorisTheBlade
BorisTheBlade's picture

Onion is frontrunning 'real' news:

Onion months ago: http://www.theonion.com/video/911-conspiracy-theories-ridiculous-al-qaed...

Rest of the world in September: http://www.thestar.com/news/world/article/1061773--iran-s-sept-11-theori...

Onion moths ago: http://www.theonion.com/video/obamas-home-teleprompter-malfunctions-duri...

Rest of the world today, well, even Onion can't keep up with this thing somehow still called reality anymore.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:18 | Link to Comment Long-John-Silver
Long-John-Silver's picture

Every Tyler Durden must come in on Mondays and make a physical appearance.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:22 | Link to Comment vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

My kingdom for a bottle of XR Adderall 40mg!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:53 | Link to Comment JohnG
JohnG's picture

I can make that happen....

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 15:59 | Link to Comment swamp
swamp's picture

Stop with the all bold

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:27 | Link to Comment Innocent Bystander
Innocent Bystander's picture

It is learned Mr. TPrompter has resigned from Obama administration following many other notables who have left the ship in the last year. 

Given his skill set, TPrompter is putting together an exploratory team and may consider running for the office that he ran behind the scenes for the last 4 years. – Tprompter for 2012.

 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:33 | Link to Comment DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

they stole his SCROTUS too

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 13:23 | Link to Comment krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

That was an inside job. Michelle...

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:45 | Link to Comment Hugh G Rection
Hugh G Rection's picture

I bet it was a joint Iranian/Cartel operation.

Fucking hilarious though :-)

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:13 | Link to Comment Hman
Hman's picture

The president is literally speechless ...

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 23:29 | Link to Comment MiguelitoRaton
MiguelitoRaton's picture

Kick-Ass Karaoke Bitchez!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:14 | Link to Comment achmachat
achmachat's picture

ok.. who here was it?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:23 | Link to Comment DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

that guy's direction was stolen a long time ago

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:31 | Link to Comment Ruffcut
Ruffcut's picture

Ok, It was me. I have been looking for the coolest karaoke system around. My only complaint is all the lyrics are in pig latin, arabic or tongues. And subliminals keep popping that say "hope" and "change". It really screws up my vocal meter.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:36 | Link to Comment BorisTheBlade
BorisTheBlade's picture

You seem to treat him ok:

These guys hosting me seem like a decent bunch of fellows. Lloyd and Jamie usually drop by to chat with me around noon time, asking if I'm comfortable, connecting their Bloomberg terminal feeds to my screens, they say, so they can keep up with current events. Dick stops by later in the afternoon just to check in on me. They all seem perfectly civilized, and they don't seem to want anything. No ransom, no demands, no threats.

http://baracksteleprompter.blogspot.com/

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:14 | Link to Comment Concentrated po...
Concentrated power has always been the enemy of liberty.'s picture

we live in sad times, however, the stolen teleprompter makes me happy.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:30 | Link to Comment Nascent_Variable
Nascent_Variable's picture

Given its prominent role, I'm pretty sure stealing Obama's teleprompter counts as a coup.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:55 | Link to Comment DeltaDawn
DeltaDawn's picture

Attempted assassination of Saudi diplomat? Stealing teleprompter? What will the Iranians do next? This means war.....

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:14 | Link to Comment SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

AHHH HA HA HA HAAAA!!!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:20 | Link to Comment Vincent Vega
Vincent Vega's picture

Let me just add: BWAAHAAAAAAAAAAA!

Unfortunately this will probably lead to more regulation, the creation of a new agency, a special task force, Congressional hearings, appointment of a new Czar, and $25B in new equipment and technology to replace that which was stolen.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:28 | Link to Comment FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Wonder if they left the "football" in the truck, too.  It's no good without the daily nuke codes, but it would make a good collectable.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:32 | Link to Comment Zero Debt
Zero Debt's picture

Or why none of the existing top 45 secret organizations in America was able to foresee this.

http://projects.washingtonpost.com/top-secret-america/

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:26 | Link to Comment BorisTheBlade
BorisTheBlade's picture

As if it's in there interest to prevent something that leads to more government spending. Red flag.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:14 | Link to Comment slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Guess he will just have to scream and improvise his texts wearing a T-shirt with the American flag on it like the rest of us.  

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:15 | Link to Comment Irish66
Irish66's picture

Holiday Inn Express

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:15 | Link to Comment LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Clearly, a local band was in need of a P.A. system.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:24 | Link to Comment DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

or students trying to pay off a loan

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:38 | Link to Comment Zero Debt
Zero Debt's picture

lol they should have stolen the national debt clock instead

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:46 | Link to Comment Captain Willard
Captain Willard's picture

Exactly!!

When the TOTUS is recovered, Obama will sound like  Nigel Tufnall of Spinal Tap.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:20 | Link to Comment lizzy36
lizzy36's picture

They should check the local pawn shops, presidential seal ought to be some decent collateral (tee hee).

Probably a mexican stole it, under direction of Iran, repo'd at the local pawn shop. Par for  the course these days.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:21 | Link to Comment slewie the pi-rat
slewie the pi-rat's picture

i wouldn't trade mine for OJ's Heisman!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:15 | Link to Comment Fips_OnTheSpot
Fips_OnTheSpot's picture

LOL!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:15 | Link to Comment Scalaris
Scalaris's picture

Bet it was Iran with the help of the mexican cartels.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:15 | Link to Comment Long-John-Silver
Long-John-Silver's picture

Every speech Obama will make over the next year has been exposed. When attempting to sell it the thieves discovered it's the same shit he's been repeating over and over these last three years. The thieves simply walked away in disgust. 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:15 | Link to Comment pauhana
pauhana's picture

Does that mean Obama is speechless?  We can only hope . .

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:15 | Link to Comment john39
john39's picture

rest assured that one of his many back up units is being flown in on an f15 as I type...

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:15 | Link to Comment depression
depression's picture

DEFCON 1

It's important stuff like this that starts world wars.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:16 | Link to Comment reinman60
reinman60's picture

Some thief has a great sense of humor.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:16 | Link to Comment buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

THAT IS SOME FUNNY SHIT!!!

 

THE NEW ECONOMY> HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:20 | Link to Comment zorba THE GREEK
zorba THE GREEK's picture

It would be even funnier, if they were selling the stuff on EBAY.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:25 | Link to Comment buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

Next up on ebay, the presidential desk from the oval office, one slightly used big-ass helicopter with full gas tank, and a worn out teleprompter. the top bid is three fiddy. lulz

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:16 | Link to Comment Critical Path
Critical Path's picture

Sound like someone stealing my car radio, just on a presidential scale.... welcome to the real world.  May I suggest checking out the local "shady" audio equipment retail shop.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:16 | Link to Comment Lazane
Lazane's picture

oh me my michelle, what do I say next, um, ah , um, er ,ah, um

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:16 | Link to Comment Jena
Jena's picture

Change you can believe in.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:16 | Link to Comment JPM Hater001
JPM Hater001's picture

Stolen is NEW SPEAK for "ok guys, this isn't working.  Do something that gets me out of making any more of these speeches and garners some sympathy."

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:16 | Link to Comment Quintus
Quintus's picture

When informed of the theft, President Obama was said to have remarked - "I don't know what to say.  Literally".

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:18 | Link to Comment Fips_OnTheSpot
Fips_OnTheSpot's picture

Damn you - more coffee spilled! Hehe..

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:30 | Link to Comment depression
depression's picture

President Obama is currently being sedated with Propofol until the stolen Teleprompters are recovered. A massive search and rescue effort has been launched by the Dept. of Homeland Security, NSA, CIA, FBI, NRO, Coast Guard and all branches of the US military in cooperation with NATO. "No stone will be left unturned, we have 25,000 security camera's out there, rest assured we will find them." Director of Homeland Security Janet Nepolitano promised as she was rushed by secret service from the OWS headquarters to an undisclosed secure bunker outside New York city.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:17 | Link to Comment Zero Debt
Zero Debt's picture

Blame it on the blogosphere

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:35 | Link to Comment TuesdayBen
TuesdayBen's picture

Blame it on Bush

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:17 | Link to Comment William113
William113's picture

Its not stolen the idiots just forgot where they parked it. Can't wait for hope and change to start.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:18 | Link to Comment slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

What is next?  Thieves breaking into the White House and stealing Michelle's jewelry?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:22 | Link to Comment Long-John-Silver
Long-John-Silver's picture

Sharpened chicken bones and coloured mud are worthless in North America.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:18 | Link to Comment adr
adr's picture

seriously? Really? How is that even possible? The truck has to have .gov lojack o something.

This has to be BS to get Obama some pity votes. Or maybe he'll fire off a rant without the prompter and claim every single word he ever uttered was his own.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:18 | Link to Comment GolfHatesMe
GolfHatesMe's picture

Teleprompter not stolen, Escaped on its own. 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:22 | Link to Comment NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

That's what I was going to say!

It was either that, or spontaneously combust.

This way is better though, as TOTUS got some gear for its trouble.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:38 | Link to Comment spekulatn
spekulatn's picture

It decided to go on unemployment. 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:20 | Link to Comment Dapper Dan
Dapper Dan's picture

Is this for real?

BBC Breaking News


 

MPs will vote on calls for a referendum on whether the UK stays in the . Vote in Commons on 27 Oct
Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:23 | Link to Comment Quintus
Quintus's picture

Yes it is for real, but the result is non-binding on the Prime Minister who will (a) strong-arm his party to vote against the motion and (b) ignore it even in the unlikely event that the motion still passes.

Cameron takes his orders from Brussels like every other European leader.  Parliament is just for show.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:29 | Link to Comment NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

So it's an echo chamber that is both literal and figurative?

Wow, who knew a government could be so efficient?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:21 | Link to Comment Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture

Hmmmm... just noticed a US presidential seal on Ebay for 5$

to bad he doesn't have the "make offer" button because I might have bought it for 1$

Might look good on the toilet floor.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:20 | Link to Comment Libertarian777
Libertarian777's picture

so when does he label all Virginian's 'domestic terrorists' and start firing up the drones to find the truck?

He'll bomb it and it will be a Krugman-esque 'job creator', think of all the Chinese who have to build more teleprompters.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:21 | Link to Comment Alex Kintner
Alex Kintner's picture

Oh crap, Stacks is gonna get Whacked for this one.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:23 | Link to Comment Critical Path
Critical Path's picture

UPDATE: Truck and equipment spotted on container ship destined for China.  Apparently they've begun the repo process.

 

 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:24 | Link to Comment marcusfenix
marcusfenix's picture

sorry guys, I know he was funny and all and it gave us a damn good excuse to drink at odd times of the day but I was starting to get concerned about the collective liver health of ZH as a whole...

I promise I will return the items once we have all had a few days to detox

 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:31 | Link to Comment NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Luckily ZH is global, so it's always beer-thirty here. Right, Europe?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:25 | Link to Comment hivekiller
hivekiller's picture

Oh no! Who will tell us to eat our peas? The horror. The horror.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:32 | Link to Comment NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Twits will tweet.

http://twitter.com/#!/BarackObama

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:25 | Link to Comment docmac324
docmac324's picture

Well maybe something will actually get done today.

 

Welcome to reality Mr. President.  

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:37 | Link to Comment Zero Debt
Zero Debt's picture

Sorry to disappoint but the golf set, basketball shoes and PR beer kegs still reported to be firmly in place as per white house press secretary.

 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:26 | Link to Comment WTF_247
WTF_247's picture

The funniest shit ever would be if the truck and its contents were stolen by illegal immigrants ...

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:33 | Link to Comment Mercury
Mercury's picture

Run for the border!

Andale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Yii-hah

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 16:05 | Link to Comment swamp
swamp's picture

x PC correction. Aliens, not immigrants.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:25 | Link to Comment ZippyBananaPants
ZippyBananaPants's picture

They thought they stole the president!!!

 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:28 | Link to Comment marcusfenix
marcusfenix's picture

they did...

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:30 | Link to Comment Mercury
Mercury's picture

Oh dear, panicked government employees running amok.  The movie Stripes come to mind here:

Where the fuck's my truck!?

I guess he's no Ron Paul but Herman Cain is the only candidate with a sense of humor...

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:26 | Link to Comment f16hoser
f16hoser's picture

Tung-Tied-and-Twisted! Like he has something to say anyway.....

Side note: A little POMO to go along with the TOTUS speaking. Coincidence?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:30 | Link to Comment totem
totem's picture

The teleprompter is likely being reprogrammed and will be returned, unharmed.

It's far easier to just change the words in the teleprompter than having to bribe..., err.. "lobby" a handful of government officials.  Net effect is the same.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:30 | Link to Comment docmac324
docmac324's picture

There must be embedded porn involved for it to be this big of a deal.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:33 | Link to Comment fuu
fuu's picture

I just want to see what was stored on the system.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:32 | Link to Comment oulous
oulous's picture

That's like stealing the soul of a Tibetan monk by taking their photo.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:34 | Link to Comment Tsunami Wave
Tsunami Wave's picture

Bill Clinton once gave a state of the union address from part memory, part making stuff up brilliantly.. his teleprompter was broken in that situation and he handled it pretty well..

 

Why can't this idiot not use a teleprompter everywhere he goes?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:46 | Link to Comment Cpl Hicks
Cpl Hicks's picture

"from part memory, part making stuff up brilliantly"

That probably describes every speech Slick Willie gave.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:34 | Link to Comment earnyermoney
earnyermoney's picture

Quick, put out a APB for an Iranian driving a Presidential Tractor Trailor.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:35 | Link to Comment ceilidh_trail
ceilidh_trail's picture

Where the HELL  is eric holder??? Damn it, get janet reno up here and burn those bastards!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:37 | Link to Comment e_u_r_o
e_u_r_o's picture

cant wait for someone to appear behind presidents podium on youtube

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:46 | Link to Comment JPM Hater001
JPM Hater001's picture

This will be hilarious...they should do it as "V is the Vendetta" face.

I have stolen the symbol of your freedom and yet you still remain in bondage.  Symbols are important and as I blow up this telepromter you will understand the depth of the deception you rail against.

Etc etc etc

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:14 | Link to Comment zerozulu
zerozulu's picture

Now this is someone else's turn to do crap behind the podium.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:47 | Link to Comment RSloane
RSloane's picture

Maybe it will be held hostage. This is a horrible infringement on Obama's scripted speech.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:48 | Link to Comment JohnG
JohnG's picture

"...the presidential seals, which only the president stands behind..."

 

One can only hope.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:48 | Link to Comment YesWeKahn
YesWeKahn's picture

Unfortunately, this guy wanted to fix economy not to fix economy, but to get himself reelected. He is politician by nature. I won't vote for him again.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:56 | Link to Comment sbenard
sbenard's picture

Forget the TOTUS! Steal the Teleprompter Tyrant --PLEASE!

I'd pay Hamas to kidnap the Campaigner in Chief and NOT return him! (juuuust kidding! But I'd be tempted!)

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:57 | Link to Comment sbenard
sbenard's picture

If only it would shut up the Deceiver in Chief!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:58 | Link to Comment Lady Heather...UNCLE
Lady Heather...UNCLE's picture

..,stop blaming the Iranians. They are just a convenient scapegoat for Waddel and Reed

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:03 | Link to Comment zerozulu
zerozulu's picture

Obama is lucky, his bus is not stolen while he was riding in.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 13:22 | Link to Comment krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

Do they make him sit in the back? 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:37 | Link to Comment americanspirit
americanspirit's picture

When that Presidential seal is recovered it will have a tiny little electronic device concealed inside designed to induce an irresistable urge to start break dancing, and the teleprompter will have been pre-programmed to make POTUS read his resignation speech the next time its used.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 13:22 | Link to Comment krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

"Dude, where's my teleprompter?"

I'm confused though, I thought the TOTUS always rode in the limo?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 13:24 | Link to Comment randomdrift
randomdrift's picture

God Bless whoever stole it.  This has given me joy, lightened my day.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 13:32 | Link to Comment Exposer of Inte...
Exposer of Internet Shills's picture

I don't believe for one second that truck did not have HIDDEN tracking devices on it and it could easily be tracked.  Sounds like a planned operation needing this stuff and it going AWOL in THIS FASHION "fits" the "plan"

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 14:13 | Link to Comment buyingsterling
buyingsterling's picture

Now he can only talk to people on his level: http://drudgereport.com/

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 15:47 | Link to Comment pain_and_soros
pain_and_soros's picture

There goes the brains of the country...

Nothing left but this empty, hollow feeling now.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 15:55 | Link to Comment swamp
swamp's picture

Hilarious. This is the best laugh I've had for days.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 16:01 | Link to Comment NuYawkFrankie
NuYawkFrankie's picture

Presidential seals stolen?

Hmmm.... any news on the Presidential penguins? 

tia

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 16:40 | Link to Comment swamp
swamp's picture

"We take this very seriously."

More seriously than the Constitution, the environment or the economy.

Poor baby Obama.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 16:51 | Link to Comment Zymurguy
Zymurguy's picture

"Not a single law enforcement or national security agent will rest until this Teleprompter is found and those kidnappers are brought to justice, now let's go get a bite to eat." - Janet Napolitano

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 20:52 | Link to Comment fellatio is not...
fellatio is not fattening's picture

The TOTUS repairman had to get his Manuel (yes, mexican helper) to re-program EBONICS into the machine,  now they know how easy they had it under W, no words over 2 syllables

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