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Obama's TOTUS Has Been Stolen

Tyler Durden's picture




 

A truck carrying President Obama's Presidential teleprompter, seals, podiums and $200,000 worth of audio equipment has been stolen north of Richmond. Worst (or best) case, this means a premature end to the president's "informational" (and mass alcohol poisoning enabling) tour.

View more videos at: http://nbcwashington.com.

 

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Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:16 | 1785229 GeneMarchbanks
GeneMarchbanks's picture

You're firing these articles off at meth speed.

Someone is beating the shit out that equipment in a field somewhere OfficeSpace style.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:17 | 1785262 theXman
theXman's picture

Sometimes life is funnier than comedy. Why didn't Onion News think of this earlier?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:19 | 1785283 bania
bania's picture

Because I don't think you can make this stuff up.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:20 | 1785288 redpill
redpill's picture

Holy shit!  Someone contact the Vice TOTUS!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:22 | 1785299 Ahmeexnal
Ahmeexnal's picture

Time to code an iPad Teleprompter widget for such emergencies.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:24 | 1785322 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Kindle for iPad.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:59 | 1785515 Mauibrad
Mauibrad's picture

Shit happens, bitchez.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 13:41 | 1785936 trav7777
trav7777's picture

richmond demographics....hmmm

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:24 | 1785315 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Start scaning Ebay and Richmond Craigslist, keyword "teleprompter". 

 

Maybe it will show up at #occupyDC ?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:33 | 1785397 Cpl Hicks
Cpl Hicks's picture

NYT online personals:

"Jug-eared mulatto desperately seeking lost teleprompter. Will trade health care exemption for return."

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:39 | 1785667 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

Not worth it.  The POTUS' health care exemptions are a dime a dozen.

He will need to put up something of real value...like his copy of PhotoshopTM with the Official Hawaiian State Seal template and the hard-to-find Baby Footprint Maker add-on. 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:27 | 1785356 BorisTheBlade
BorisTheBlade's picture

Onion is frontrunning 'real' news:

Onion months ago: http://www.theonion.com/video/911-conspiracy-theories-ridiculous-al-qaed...

Rest of the world in September: http://www.thestar.com/news/world/article/1061773--iran-s-sept-11-theori...

Onion moths ago: http://www.theonion.com/video/obamas-home-teleprompter-malfunctions-duri...

Rest of the world today, well, even Onion can't keep up with this thing somehow still called reality anymore.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:18 | 1785279 Long-John-Silver
Long-John-Silver's picture

Every Tyler Durden must come in on Mondays and make a physical appearance.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:22 | 1785306 vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

My kingdom for a bottle of XR Adderall 40mg!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:53 | 1785488 JohnG
JohnG's picture

I can make that happen....

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 15:59 | 1786465 swamp
swamp's picture

Stop with the all bold

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:27 | 1785355 Innocent Bystander
Innocent Bystander's picture

It is learned Mr. TPrompter has resigned from Obama administration following many other notables who have left the ship in the last year. 

Given his skill set, TPrompter is putting together an exploratory team and may consider running for the office that he ran behind the scenes for the last 4 years. – Tprompter for 2012.

 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:33 | 1785650 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

they stole his SCROTUS too

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 13:23 | 1785861 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

That was an inside job. Michelle...

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:45 | 1785453 Hugh G Rection
Hugh G Rection's picture

I bet it was a joint Iranian/Cartel operation.

Fucking hilarious though :-)

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:13 | 1785560 Hman
Hman's picture

The president is literally speechless ...

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 23:29 | 1787762 MiguelitoRaton
MiguelitoRaton's picture

Kick-Ass Karaoke Bitchez!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:14 | 1785230 achmachat
achmachat's picture

ok.. who here was it?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:23 | 1785313 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

that guy's direction was stolen a long time ago

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:31 | 1785645 Ruffcut
Ruffcut's picture

Ok, It was me. I have been looking for the coolest karaoke system around. My only complaint is all the lyrics are in pig latin, arabic or tongues. And subliminals keep popping that say "hope" and "change". It really screws up my vocal meter.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:36 | 1785663 BorisTheBlade
BorisTheBlade's picture

You seem to treat him ok:

These guys hosting me seem like a decent bunch of fellows. Lloyd and Jamie usually drop by to chat with me around noon time, asking if I'm comfortable, connecting their Bloomberg terminal feeds to my screens, they say, so they can keep up with current events. Dick stops by later in the afternoon just to check in on me. They all seem perfectly civilized, and they don't seem to want anything. No ransom, no demands, no threats.

http://baracksteleprompter.blogspot.com/

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:14 | 1785231 Concentrated po...
Concentrated power has always been the enemy of liberty.'s picture

we live in sad times, however, the stolen teleprompter makes me happy.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:30 | 1785376 Nascent_Variable
Nascent_Variable's picture

Given its prominent role, I'm pretty sure stealing Obama's teleprompter counts as a coup.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:55 | 1785496 DeltaDawn
DeltaDawn's picture

Attempted assassination of Saudi diplomat? Stealing teleprompter? What will the Iranians do next? This means war.....

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:14 | 1785235 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

AHHH HA HA HA HAAAA!!!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:20 | 1785291 Vincent Vega
Vincent Vega's picture

Let me just add: BWAAHAAAAAAAAAAA!

Unfortunately this will probably lead to more regulation, the creation of a new agency, a special task force, Congressional hearings, appointment of a new Czar, and $25B in new equipment and technology to replace that which was stolen.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:28 | 1785358 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Wonder if they left the "football" in the truck, too.  It's no good without the daily nuke codes, but it would make a good collectable.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:32 | 1785394 Zero Debt
Zero Debt's picture

Or why none of the existing top 45 secret organizations in America was able to foresee this.

http://projects.washingtonpost.com/top-secret-america/

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:26 | 1785627 BorisTheBlade
BorisTheBlade's picture

As if it's in there interest to prevent something that leads to more government spending. Red flag.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:14 | 1785236 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Guess he will just have to scream and improvise his texts wearing a T-shirt with the American flag on it like the rest of us.  

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:15 | 1785237 Irish66
Irish66's picture

Holiday Inn Express

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:15 | 1785241 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Clearly, a local band was in need of a P.A. system.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:24 | 1785326 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

or students trying to pay off a loan

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:38 | 1785431 Zero Debt
Zero Debt's picture

lol they should have stolen the national debt clock instead

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:46 | 1785712 Captain Willard
Captain Willard's picture

Exactly!!

When the TOTUS is recovered, Obama will sound like  Nigel Tufnall of Spinal Tap.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:20 | 1785242 lizzy36
lizzy36's picture

They should check the local pawn shops, presidential seal ought to be some decent collateral (tee hee).

Probably a mexican stole it, under direction of Iran, repo'd at the local pawn shop. Par for  the course these days.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:21 | 1785297 slewie the pi-rat
slewie the pi-rat's picture

i wouldn't trade mine for OJ's Heisman!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:15 | 1785243 Fips_OnTheSpot
Fips_OnTheSpot's picture

LOL!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:15 | 1785244 Scalaris
Scalaris's picture

Bet it was Iran with the help of the mexican cartels.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:15 | 1785246 Long-John-Silver
Long-John-Silver's picture

Every speech Obama will make over the next year has been exposed. When attempting to sell it the thieves discovered it's the same shit he's been repeating over and over these last three years. The thieves simply walked away in disgust. 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:15 | 1785247 pauhana
pauhana's picture

Does that mean Obama is speechless?  We can only hope . .

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:15 | 1785248 john39
john39's picture

rest assured that one of his many back up units is being flown in on an f15 as I type...

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:15 | 1785250 depression
depression's picture

DEFCON 1

It's important stuff like this that starts world wars.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:16 | 1785252 reinman60
reinman60's picture

Some thief has a great sense of humor.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:16 | 1785254 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

THAT IS SOME FUNNY SHIT!!!

 

THE NEW ECONOMY> HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:20 | 1785293 zorba THE GREEK
zorba THE GREEK's picture

It would be even funnier, if they were selling the stuff on EBAY.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:25 | 1785314 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

Next up on ebay, the presidential desk from the oval office, one slightly used big-ass helicopter with full gas tank, and a worn out teleprompter. the top bid is three fiddy. lulz

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:16 | 1785256 Critical Path
Critical Path's picture

Sound like someone stealing my car radio, just on a presidential scale.... welcome to the real world.  May I suggest checking out the local "shady" audio equipment retail shop.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:16 | 1785258 Lazane
Lazane's picture

oh me my michelle, what do I say next, um, ah , um, er ,ah, um

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:16 | 1785259 Jena
Jena's picture

Change you can believe in.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:16 | 1785260 JPM Hater001
JPM Hater001's picture

Stolen is NEW SPEAK for "ok guys, this isn't working.  Do something that gets me out of making any more of these speeches and garners some sympathy."

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:16 | 1785261 Quintus
Quintus's picture

When informed of the theft, President Obama was said to have remarked - "I don't know what to say.  Literally".

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:18 | 1785278 Fips_OnTheSpot
Fips_OnTheSpot's picture

Damn you - more coffee spilled! Hehe..

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:30 | 1785345 depression
depression's picture

President Obama is currently being sedated with Propofol until the stolen Teleprompters are recovered. A massive search and rescue effort has been launched by the Dept. of Homeland Security, NSA, CIA, FBI, NRO, Coast Guard and all branches of the US military in cooperation with NATO. "No stone will be left unturned, we have 25,000 security camera's out there, rest assured we will find them." Director of Homeland Security Janet Nepolitano promised as she was rushed by secret service from the OWS headquarters to an undisclosed secure bunker outside New York city.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:17 | 1785267 Zero Debt
Zero Debt's picture

Blame it on the blogosphere

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:35 | 1785416 TuesdayBen
TuesdayBen's picture

Blame it on Bush

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:17 | 1785272 William113
William113's picture

Its not stolen the idiots just forgot where they parked it. Can't wait for hope and change to start.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:18 | 1785273 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

What is next?  Thieves breaking into the White House and stealing Michelle's jewelry?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:22 | 1785307 Long-John-Silver
Long-John-Silver's picture

Sharpened chicken bones and coloured mud are worthless in North America.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:18 | 1785275 adr
adr's picture

seriously? Really? How is that even possible? The truck has to have .gov lojack o something.

This has to be BS to get Obama some pity votes. Or maybe he'll fire off a rant without the prompter and claim every single word he ever uttered was his own.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:18 | 1785276 GolfHatesMe
GolfHatesMe's picture

Teleprompter not stolen, Escaped on its own. 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:22 | 1785304 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

That's what I was going to say!

It was either that, or spontaneously combust.

This way is better though, as TOTUS got some gear for its trouble.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:38 | 1785430 spekulatn
spekulatn's picture

It decided to go on unemployment. 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:20 | 1785287 Dapper Dan
Dapper Dan's picture

Is this for real?

BBC Breaking News


 

MPs will vote on calls for a referendum on whether the UK stays in the . Vote in Commons on 27 Oct
Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:23 | 1785310 Quintus
Quintus's picture

Yes it is for real, but the result is non-binding on the Prime Minister who will (a) strong-arm his party to vote against the motion and (b) ignore it even in the unlikely event that the motion still passes.

Cameron takes his orders from Brussels like every other European leader.  Parliament is just for show.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:29 | 1785370 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

So it's an echo chamber that is both literal and figurative?

Wow, who knew a government could be so efficient?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:21 | 1785294 Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture

Hmmmm... just noticed a US presidential seal on Ebay for 5$

to bad he doesn't have the "make offer" button because I might have bought it for 1$

Might look good on the toilet floor.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:20 | 1785295 Libertarian777
Libertarian777's picture

so when does he label all Virginian's 'domestic terrorists' and start firing up the drones to find the truck?

He'll bomb it and it will be a Krugman-esque 'job creator', think of all the Chinese who have to build more teleprompters.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:21 | 1785298 Alex Kintner
Alex Kintner's picture

Oh crap, Stacks is gonna get Whacked for this one.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:23 | 1785311 Critical Path
Critical Path's picture

UPDATE: Truck and equipment spotted on container ship destined for China.  Apparently they've begun the repo process.

 

 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:24 | 1785324 marcusfenix
marcusfenix's picture

sorry guys, I know he was funny and all and it gave us a damn good excuse to drink at odd times of the day but I was starting to get concerned about the collective liver health of ZH as a whole...

I promise I will return the items once we have all had a few days to detox

 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:31 | 1785384 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Luckily ZH is global, so it's always beer-thirty here. Right, Europe?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:25 | 1785335 hivekiller
hivekiller's picture

Oh no! Who will tell us to eat our peas? The horror. The horror.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:32 | 1785389 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Twits will tweet.

http://twitter.com/#!/BarackObama

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:25 | 1785338 docmac324
docmac324's picture

Well maybe something will actually get done today.

 

Welcome to reality Mr. President.  

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:37 | 1785425 Zero Debt
Zero Debt's picture

Sorry to disappoint but the golf set, basketball shoes and PR beer kegs still reported to be firmly in place as per white house press secretary.

 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:26 | 1785340 WTF_247
WTF_247's picture

The funniest shit ever would be if the truck and its contents were stolen by illegal immigrants ...

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:33 | 1785399 Mercury
Mercury's picture

Run for the border!

Andale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Yii-hah

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 16:05 | 1786521 swamp
swamp's picture

x PC correction. Aliens, not immigrants.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:25 | 1785341 ZippyBananaPants
ZippyBananaPants's picture

They thought they stole the president!!!

 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:28 | 1785361 marcusfenix
marcusfenix's picture

they did...

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:30 | 1785343 Mercury
Mercury's picture

Oh dear, panicked government employees running amok.  The movie Stripes come to mind here:

Where the fuck's my truck!?

I guess he's no Ron Paul but Herman Cain is the only candidate with a sense of humor...

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:26 | 1785344 f16hoser
f16hoser's picture

Tung-Tied-and-Twisted! Like he has something to say anyway.....

Side note: A little POMO to go along with the TOTUS speaking. Coincidence?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:30 | 1785378 totem
totem's picture

The teleprompter is likely being reprogrammed and will be returned, unharmed.

It's far easier to just change the words in the teleprompter than having to bribe..., err.. "lobby" a handful of government officials.  Net effect is the same.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:30 | 1785379 docmac324
docmac324's picture

There must be embedded porn involved for it to be this big of a deal.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:33 | 1785395 fuu
fuu's picture

I just want to see what was stored on the system.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:32 | 1785396 oulous
oulous's picture

That's like stealing the soul of a Tibetan monk by taking their photo.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:34 | 1785405 Tsunami Wave
Tsunami Wave's picture

Bill Clinton once gave a state of the union address from part memory, part making stuff up brilliantly.. his teleprompter was broken in that situation and he handled it pretty well..

 

Why can't this idiot not use a teleprompter everywhere he goes?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:46 | 1785460 Cpl Hicks
Cpl Hicks's picture

"from part memory, part making stuff up brilliantly"

That probably describes every speech Slick Willie gave.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:34 | 1785409 earnyermoney
earnyermoney's picture

Quick, put out a APB for an Iranian driving a Presidential Tractor Trailor.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:35 | 1785413 ceilidh_trail
ceilidh_trail's picture

Where the HELL  is eric holder??? Damn it, get janet reno up here and burn those bastards!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:37 | 1785424 e_u_r_o
e_u_r_o's picture

cant wait for someone to appear behind presidents podium on youtube

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:46 | 1785458 JPM Hater001
JPM Hater001's picture

This will be hilarious...they should do it as "V is the Vendetta" face.

I have stolen the symbol of your freedom and yet you still remain in bondage.  Symbols are important and as I blow up this telepromter you will understand the depth of the deception you rail against.

Etc etc etc

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:14 | 1785563 zerozulu
zerozulu's picture

Now this is someone else's turn to do crap behind the podium.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:47 | 1785467 RSloane
RSloane's picture

Maybe it will be held hostage. This is a horrible infringement on Obama's scripted speech.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:48 | 1785472 JohnG
JohnG's picture

"...the presidential seals, which only the president stands behind..."

 

One can only hope.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:48 | 1785473 YesWeKahn
YesWeKahn's picture

Unfortunately, this guy wanted to fix economy not to fix economy, but to get himself reelected. He is politician by nature. I won't vote for him again.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:56 | 1785481 sbenard
sbenard's picture

Forget the TOTUS! Steal the Teleprompter Tyrant --PLEASE!

I'd pay Hamas to kidnap the Campaigner in Chief and NOT return him! (juuuust kidding! But I'd be tempted!)

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:57 | 1785510 sbenard
sbenard's picture

If only it would shut up the Deceiver in Chief!

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 11:58 | 1785512 Lady Heather...UNCLE
Lady Heather...UNCLE's picture

..,stop blaming the Iranians. They are just a convenient scapegoat for Waddel and Reed

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:03 | 1785521 zerozulu
zerozulu's picture

Obama is lucky, his bus is not stolen while he was riding in.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 13:22 | 1785855 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

Do they make him sit in the back? 

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 12:37 | 1785665 americanspirit
americanspirit's picture

When that Presidential seal is recovered it will have a tiny little electronic device concealed inside designed to induce an irresistable urge to start break dancing, and the teleprompter will have been pre-programmed to make POTUS read his resignation speech the next time its used.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 13:22 | 1785853 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

"Dude, where's my teleprompter?"

I'm confused though, I thought the TOTUS always rode in the limo?

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 13:24 | 1785863 randomdrift
randomdrift's picture

God Bless whoever stole it.  This has given me joy, lightened my day.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 13:32 | 1785902 Exposer of Inte...
Exposer of Internet Shills's picture

I don't believe for one second that truck did not have HIDDEN tracking devices on it and it could easily be tracked.  Sounds like a planned operation needing this stuff and it going AWOL in THIS FASHION "fits" the "plan"

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 14:13 | 1786047 buyingsterling
buyingsterling's picture

Now he can only talk to people on his level: http://drudgereport.com/

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 15:47 | 1786422 pain_and_soros
pain_and_soros's picture

There goes the brains of the country...

Nothing left but this empty, hollow feeling now.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 15:55 | 1786452 swamp
swamp's picture

Hilarious. This is the best laugh I've had for days.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 16:01 | 1786483 NuYawkFrankie
NuYawkFrankie's picture

Presidential seals stolen?

Hmmm.... any news on the Presidential penguins? 

tia

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 16:40 | 1786714 swamp
swamp's picture

"We take this very seriously."

More seriously than the Constitution, the environment or the economy.

Poor baby Obama.

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 16:51 | 1786781 Zymurguy
Zymurguy's picture

"Not a single law enforcement or national security agent will rest until this Teleprompter is found and those kidnappers are brought to justice, now let's go get a bite to eat." - Janet Napolitano

Tue, 10/18/2011 - 20:52 | 1787421 fellatio is not...
fellatio is not fattening's picture

The TOTUS repairman had to get his Manuel (yes, mexican helper) to re-program EBONICS into the machine,  now they know how easy they had it under W, no words over 2 syllables

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