Official Memo From Lloyd And Gary To Employees: "89% Of You Provide Exceptional Services To Clients"

Tyler Durden's picture




 

The Greg Smith drama refuses to go away (probably for a reason). Earlier, we presented a spoof response from a spoof Goldman CEO. Now, courtesy of the WSJ, here is the real memo sent out from Lloyd and Gary to employees in which we learn that "89% of Goldman employees self reported they provide exceptional services to their clients." But what about the remaining 11%? Because out of 10 employees, just one is required to rob a client, whatever that means these days anyway, blind. Oddly enough, didn't CFA Magazine just find that 10% of all Wall Streeters are psychopaths? That more or less explains it all.

From the WSJ

March 14, 2012

Our Response to Today’s New York Times Op-Ed:

By now, many of you have read the submission in today’s New York Times by a former employee of the firm.  Needless to say, we were disappointed to read the assertions made by this individual that do not reflect our values, our culture and how the vast majority of people at Goldman Sachs think about the firm and the work it does on behalf of our clients.

In a company of our size, it is not shocking that some people could feel disgruntled.  But that does not and should not represent our firm of more than 30,000 people. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion.  But, it is unfortunate that an individual opinion about Goldman Sachs is amplified in a newspaper and speaks louder than the regular, detailed and intensive feedback you have provided the firm and independent, public surveys of workplace environments.

While I expect you find the words you read today foreign from your own day-to-day experiences [ZH: maybe not Tom Stolper but that's just a guess], we wanted to remind you what we, as a firm – individually and collectively – think about Goldman Sachs and our client-driven culture.

First, 85 percent of the firm responded to our recent People Survey, which provides the most detailed and comprehensive review to determine how our people feel about Goldman Sachs and the work they do.

And, what do our people think about how we interact with our clients?  Across the firm at all levels, 89 percent of you said that that the firm provides exceptional service to them.  For the group of nearly 12,000 vice presidents, of which the author of today’s commentary was, that number was similarly high.

Anyone who feels otherwise has available to him or her a mechanism for anonymously expressing their concerns.  We are not aware that the writer of the opinion piece expressed misgivings through this avenue, however, if an individual expresses issues, we examine them carefully and we will be doing so in this case.

Our firm has had its share of challenges during and after the financial crisis, but your pride in Goldman Sachs is clear.  You’ve not only told us, you have told external surveys.

Just two weeks ago, Goldman Sachs was named one of the best places to work in the United Kingdom, where this employee resides.  The firm was the highest placed financial services company for the third consecutive year and was the only one in its peer group to make the top 25.

We are far from perfect, but where the firm has seen a problem, we’ve responded to it seriously and substantively.  And we have demonstrated that fact.

It is unfortunate that all of you who worked so hard through a difficult environment over the last few years now have to respond to this. But, our response is best demonstrated in how we really work with and help our clients through our commitment to their long-term interests.  That priority has distinguished us in the past, through the financial crisis and today.

Thank you.

Lloyd C. Blankfein Gary D. Cohn

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Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:42 | 2254692 idea_hamster
idea_hamster's picture

"... 89 percent of you said that that the firm provides exceptional service to them ..."

Wow -- Stolper services 11% of Goldman's clients?  That's one awesome dude!

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:53 | 2254766 markmotive
markmotive's picture

We are the 89%!

 In other news...the banks do pretty much whatever the f*!K they want anyway:

http://www.planbeconomics.com/2012/03/13/fed-shrugged-off-warnings-let-banks-pay-shareholders-billions/

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:17 | 2254914 vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

GS=Greg Smith=GS

 

Big fucking deal like everyone with a pulse didn't know that GS=EVIL VENAL SELFISH SOCIOPATHIC CULTURE and will destroy financial institutions and itself for an extra buck.

Reminds me of a certain sick whore I used to know....

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:21 | 2254944 trav7777
trav7777's picture

HUH?  You people have missed the point.

89% of them are reporting that they are "servicing" their clients well, which means they are robbing the fuck out of them.  And that is excellent.

The 11% are those who think like the guy who left.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:42 | 2255007 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture

 

 

What next?   To further foister customer loyalty GS private label vasoline?

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:35 | 2255013 streetcrawler
streetcrawler's picture

That's what I was thinking, 89% of GS employees are bloodsucking scumbags. Also, they TWELVE THOUSAND vice presidents? How does that even begin to make sense?

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:55 | 2255072 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

Goldman Sachs and the way they do business is as productive and moral (as well as legal, at least from a civil law perspective, and most likely a criminal lawone; where art thou, Eric Placeholder?) as Hudson, Timberwolf, Abacus and about a hundred thousand other scams that rape their clients and anyone else in the path of their sole aim of making as much money as they can regardless of what the collateral damage is.

You see, money is literally like god to these types. They literally worship it.

Now, I like money, because it gives me freedom to do the things I am passionate about, and to ensure my family has what they need to ensure the best possible chances that they will be healthy (medical care & nutritious, real food is relatively exepensive), well educated (formal or not), and have the best odds of being able to pursue life, liberty and happiness on their terms, within a moral framework, hopefully helping as many people in need of help on that path.

But I don't worship money, letting it become the sole objective of my life, controlling my actions, deeds and thoughts 24/7.

And that's why ony psychopaths & sociopaths thrive at such 'institutions' as Goldman Sachs.

 

Fishead

 

 

#TheImportantThingIsThatJonCorzineLiveTheRestOfHisLifeLarge&Free

 

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 14:01 | 2255107 trav7777
trav7777's picture

there's a group of people that loves money so much that they are prone to naming themselves after it

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 14:19 | 2255166 Badabing
Badabing's picture

30,000 people surveyed top 5 answers on the board you want to play or pass?

 

“First, 85 percent of the firm responded to our recent People Survey, which provides the most detailed and comprehensive review to determine how our people feel about Goldman Sachs and the work they do.”

So, 15% didn’t think it was important to respond, out of 30,000 that’s 4500 top fat cats.

The other 25,500 employees are probably happy they have a job and would never say anything against the squid.

The numbers quoted are as fake as any graph, chart, financial statement,……………

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 20:08 | 2256314 UP Forester
UP Forester's picture

GS runs the B[L]S, too?

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 14:01 | 2255103 trav7777
trav7777's picture

a VP in an IB is not the same as a VP in an ordinary corporation.  The level above PM is VP...they don't have the corner offices, which are for principals (level above VP).  Generally above that are directors then managing directors.  Yes, I used to work in an IB which is how I know this.

I left the IB because I wasn't being given access to enough clients to rob.  There just weren't enough silverbug muppets to blowtorch to make my numbers

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 18:34 | 2256058 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

streetcrawler asked:

Also, they TWELVE THOUSAND vice presidents? How does that even begin to make sense?

A VP at Goldman Sachs is similar to a VP at MERS. Starting to make sense now?

 

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 14:23 | 2255183 ElvisDog
ElvisDog's picture

I can't imagine anyone stupid enough to hire GS to manage their investments. They literally must never pick up a newspaper or have access to the Internet.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:27 | 2254942 nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

White collar criminal sociopaths are funny people.  Top priority is fame and glory, of which 90% of it can be easily attained if you have money.  Therefore, the self feeding loop of acquiring more and more becomes the MO to create the God-like image.  How the wealth is attained is a wholly different issue and one the sociopath won't acknowledge.

When the word gets out that they might be a wee bit greedy or corrupt, they have to protect their illusionary image.  After all, the sociopath has nothing if he is revealed to be a fake, whether he is or not is irrelevant.  IMAGE is everything.  Hence, Lloyds' reply.  Damage control is not damage control if the firm was structurally sound to begin with.  And Lloyd need not reply if he (and the firm) didn't have a fake image to uphold in the first place.

 

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:35 | 2255008 Hippocratic Oaf
Hippocratic Oaf's picture

And calling clients muppets? That's nothing........how about pigs getting slaughtered? Whores because they chace yield? Had a MD say one time........'They knew what they were buying, they're all pigs, yield whores that want to get fucked......fuck'em!'

And when there's a problem.......they scatter like roaches.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:54 | 2254781 JPM Hater001
JPM Hater001's picture

Dude, you missed the important part- "For the group of nearly 12,000 vice presidents, of which the author of today’s commentary was, that number was similarly high."

Similarly...but not the same.  Which is like saying a Big Mac is similar to a salad.

If it had been high they would have published it.  I would guess it's in the 70's making it 2-3 out of 10 are a bad apple.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:04 | 2254830 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Who is surprised that the 89% who are sociopaths would consider themselves to be providing exceptional service? Too funny to expect anything other than that response.

For the most part, the individual members of a herd itself reflect the (lack of moral) values of the herd. And we all know that the fish rots from the head back. 

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 14:22 | 2255177 CPL
CPL's picture

We can all hear the self congratulatory back pats from GS to GS. 

 

CNBC is now completely unbearable to watch.  The cacophony of dick slurping going on would embarrass a porn fluffer.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 14:33 | 2255214 Cognitive Dissonance
Wed, 03/14/2012 - 18:44 | 2256091 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Good God, that is insane funny!

 

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:04 | 2254837 Divided States ...
Divided States of America's picture

85% of the firm responded to the survey and of that 85%, 89% says they are doing a good job for their client's welfare. I am sure the likelihood of you responding to a survey is higher if you actually believe in the company and its culture. Which means actually that only 76% of the entire firm puts their clients ahead of themselves...even in front of an oncoming train....so 24%, not 11% of the employees of GS (God's Sanctuary) actually does the Devil's work....but I am sure 76% is still a very very good number, by Goldman standards

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 14:19 | 2255164 LeBaron
LeBaron's picture

if I have to take clients' money to increase my bonus, I would rate my service to my clients "Excellent" or "Perfect". Wondering why the percentage is not 100% rather a paultry 89%...

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 21:42 | 2256497 JPM Hater001
JPM Hater001's picture

If you want a real mind bender Fidelity pays brokers based on client feedback.  If they were good they got paid.  So it's more of a popularity contest than long term results.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 17:56 | 2255935 Irwin Fletcher
Irwin Fletcher's picture

And maybe 84% internally acknowledged that they are blood hungry vampire devices, but nonetheless gave pro-client answers on the survey because them's the only answers that will never blow back in their cum-sucking faces if the survey's not as private as advertised.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:08 | 2254853 resurger
resurger's picture

no the best part is "Before & After the financial crises"

who the fuck told you that the crises is over mother fucker???

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:01 | 2254810 IEVI
IEVI's picture

he's saying 89% of the 85% that responded to the survey

 

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 17:13 | 2255832 tabasco71
tabasco71's picture

I thought that, 75% in fact.

Thing is no matter how many respond, who is going to have the balls to score 1 out of 5 for 'please rate your satisfaction with the work you do'

Even though the surveys are 'anonymous' no one in my place believed they weren't tracked, so everyone scored 4 out of 5 and the ass-kissers clicked 5.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:01 | 2254818 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

SQUID GAMES

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:07 | 2254843 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

I love the shoes at the edge of the couch.

Which end is the ass end Banzai7?

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:09 | 2254864 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Hard to tell...

NO BUSINESS PRINCIPLES LIKE SQUID BUSINESS PRINCIPLES

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:12 | 2254888 Divided States ...
Divided States of America's picture

If you work at GS, I would suggest that you look behind your back when you walk around on the street. I am sure anyone can smell your squid stench from a mile away.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:22 | 2254941 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

I suppose you could call this working at Goldman Sachs in a manner of speaking.

As for the stench, thou who smelt it...

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 14:24 | 2255184 CPL
CPL's picture

They don't have to be careful of anyone on the street.

 

GS employees seem to excel at killing one another.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 14:39 | 2255242 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Kill or be killed in brogues.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:07 | 2254851 vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

Ty: it's actually higher than 10% of all Wall Streeters being psychopaths more at sociopaths.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:09 | 2254857 battle axe
battle axe's picture

"89 Percent of  you said what ever we wanted you to say, because we are one of the few houses still trading this shit, and you need us, we thank you...."

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:12 | 2254884 It was not me
It was not me's picture

Word on the street is that Greg Smith's next project will be Armada Markets. I hope he will find a better environment there.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 19:05 | 2256152 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

It was not me said:

Word on the street is that Greg Smith's next project will be Armada Markets. I hope he will find a better environment there.

It is almost guaranteed he will find a better environment at Armada Markets. His first assignment there will be gathering dead fish floating in the harbor at Tallinn. This is the main ingredient in Imitation Ljutefisk, the latest exciting product from Armada Markets, a global leader in all things fishy.

"If It's Bad Smelt, It's Armada Markets!"®

 

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 16:58 | 2255778 VanceEva1
VanceEva1's picture

my classmate's sister makes $82 hourly on the internet. She has been out of work for 10 months but last month her income was $17192 just working on the internet for a few hours. Read more on this site ....  http://qr.net/h7eu

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 19:12 | 2256186 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Say, that's not bad money for fellating goats on a webcam. Does your whole family do that, or are the retarded ones relegated to blog spamming?

 

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 18:31 | 2256048 eatthebanksters
eatthebanksters's picture

I would love to see an anonymous poll of all their clients and see how they feel...in the end the clients could give a fuck about reps whopat themselves on the back,  the clients care about service and performance...I'll bet that number is below 89%.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 21:48 | 2256513 Practical Cogitator
Practical Cogitator's picture

"First, 85 percent of the firm responded to our recent People Survey, which provides the most detailed and comprehensive review to determine how our people feel about Goldman Sachs and the work they do.

And, what do our people think about how we interact with our clients?  Across the firm at all levels, 89 percent of you said that that the firm provides exceptional service to them."

 

Umm...0.85 x 0.89 = 75.65%.  100 - 75.65% = 24.35% of the GS employee base disagrees, apparently believing that clients are like muppets to be manipulated for all they're worth.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:42 | 2254695 LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

Hmmm, wonder if Lloyd has Stolper in the 11% seating section?

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:43 | 2254702 unwashedmass
unwashedmass's picture

god's chosen doing god's work.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:00 | 2254814 espirit
espirit's picture

Money laundering is hard work.  If you can't cut it, get the F- out.

Quotas got to be met.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:43 | 2254706 Wakanda
Wakanda's picture

"Anyone who feels otherwise has available to him or her a mechanism for anonymously expressing their concerns."

Translation:  Try that shit before you clean out your desk, and I will do God's work on your ass without lube.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:46 | 2254724 LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

"mechanism" = unemployment line

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:25 | 2254967 LFMayor
LFMayor's picture

I was thinking of a noose, fashioned from the electric cords of the table lamps in HR office waiting room.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:44 | 2254710 LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

 

 

Just two weeks ago, Goldman Sachs was named one of the best places to work in the United Kingdom, where this employee resides.

 

uhmmm, when viewing the UK unemployment rate...isn't GS-UK the only place with work now?  Kinda "best" by default.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:55 | 2254784 azzhatter
azzhatter's picture

of course it's a good place to work if you are a greedy mouth breathing cocksucker. For humans, not so much

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