One Government's Meat Is Any Other Man's Felony Poison

Tyler Durden's picture


Ever feel like standing in Benny and the Centrally Planned Inkjets' shoes while in the comfort of your own home? Don't. As the following table demonstrates, doing what the US government does on a daily basis is likely to get one incarcerated, prosecuted, exiled, guillotined, bound and quartered, and most likely scapegoated by a member of the administration.

h/t Mary

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Thu, 03/29/2012 - 18:43 | 2302074 Lost Wages
Lost Wages's picture

I've been counterfeiting toilet paper because it is worth more than the dollar. Did you notice how much a big pack of Charmin costs these days? Run to the store for some Tide and some Charmin and you're out $40!

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 18:53 | 2302088 Beam Me Up Scotty
Beam Me Up Scotty's picture

If you are married, you know it doesn't matter how much toilet paper costs.  If you don't keep some on hand you won't get sex again.  If TSHTF then you better be prepared to use the Sears catalog and sacrafice what TP you have to your wife, or you will be having a onesome for the rest of your life, no matter how short it may be. 


Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:02 | 2302102 Bob
Bob's picture

True, that.  So true. 

It's not impossible to be a prince, though . . . the callouses don't take long.

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 20:46 | 2302411 UP Forester
UP Forester's picture

The problem with Sears Catalogues is that they print on that shiny paper that doesn't do much more than spread it around.

Better off using phone books, now.

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 21:57 | 2302538 knukles
knukles's picture

New York Times.
The cheap paper is highly absorbent while the cheap ink smears, besmirching the real object of attention and winds up making an illogical mess of it all.

Fri, 03/30/2012 - 02:25 | 2302816 Ratscam
Ratscam's picture

use Zimbabwe dollars

Fri, 03/30/2012 - 08:21 | 2303046 blindfaith
blindfaith's picture

it takes 100 US dollars to buy 1 Zimbabwe dollar now...not a good choice.  But you can buy 300 rolls of Charmin with 1 Zimbabwe dollar, turn around and sell the Charmin on the street corner in New York for 1.00 and make money !  Hey a job creating business opportunity for the good ol' USA!.

Fri, 03/30/2012 - 05:08 | 2302872 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

The "news" contained within was already an illogical mess!

Fri, 03/30/2012 - 06:04 | 2302898 chistletoe
chistletoe's picture

the "civilized" world uses water ....softer, cleaner, and cheaper ....

Fri, 03/30/2012 - 08:47 | 2303107 flacon
flacon's picture

How do you deploy the water? Pour it down your lower back and pat it with your hand?

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:08 | 2302122 Doña K
Doña K's picture

Installing a bidet may be the cheapest way to go. It keeps yeast away as well.

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:20 | 2302140 Piranhanoia
Piranhanoia's picture

Shower nozzle on the end of the hose is a lot cheaper and attaches to all major plumbing.  Attach hose to 5gal water bottle if required,  warm to desired temp.

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:34 | 2302153 noob
noob's picture

you do what you can, right?

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:43 | 2302182 Bob
Bob's picture

That is a true prince. May he find the woman to recognize. 

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 20:20 | 2302315 Dave Thomas
Dave Thomas's picture

Welp, it's not as humiliating as getting hosed off by your mom with comet and a scrub brush.

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:49 | 2302218 Beam Me Up Scotty
Beam Me Up Scotty's picture

Again, you won't be getting any sex because your wife will be getting off on the shower nozzle.

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 20:36 | 2302388 vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

Just you wait till water per gallon shoots past gas per gallon -- we'll all be wiping our asses with old newspapers and sand....inflation and water supply, or lack thereof, are a motherfucking bitch!

Fri, 03/30/2012 - 14:56 | 2303209 AcidRastaHead
AcidRastaHead's picture

Wow, extortion around a toilet paper token economy.  Your sex life is too complicated for me mate.  Remind me not to marry.

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 18:54 | 2302089 SemperFord
SemperFord's picture

The Kirkland/Costco TP is the same pricebut they have switched it from a 36 to a 30 pack, same price since February. My salary has not gone up by the same percentage, I should have bene a banker!!!

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 18:58 | 2302095 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

I should have been a toilet paper maker instead of user.

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:24 | 2302148 kito
kito's picture

doc, here you go.....let me know how it turns out and maybe i will give it a try.......

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:49 | 2302221 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Thanks. Now to solve the user problem. Any Links on how to make a bidet?

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 22:27 | 2302585 LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

yep, garden hose, 2x4's and duct tape.


Presto...1 hillbilly bidet.

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 23:47 | 2302696 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

I think you mean 5 gallon bucket and a corncob for the hillbilly lu?

Fri, 03/30/2012 - 00:04 | 2302712 The Navigator
The Navigator's picture

Here's a Toto unit that fits onto most toilets for $400

But if TSHTF, not sure how long you'll have city water to run thru it, or electricity to heat the water.

Wet wipes might be something to stock up on.

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 18:55 | 2302093 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

You could follow Sheryl Crowe's recomendation and just use 1 sheet of toilet paper every time.

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:17 | 2302120 Bob
Bob's picture

JHC.  I shouldna looked:

This is what the wildly crazy sister side of liberalism looks like. 

Somethin' just wasn't right where she grew up.

Too bad.  It seems like she really wishes she could just be happy.

Or maybe I just got the wrong idea. 

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:19 | 2302139 DCFusor
DCFusor's picture

Weird as it is, due to not wanting to take the shit-shower when someone plugs up my plumbing with too much TP, I put a two square limit on here, and people can either live with that, take the shit shower, or use the unheated outhouse.  They come around real fast.  Some women (no names) seem to need almost a roll a day, and a big double handful per sitting, and no, that's not right, and sex (with her, anyway) ain't worth that shit shower to unplug the pipes from that waste.

Maybe the answer is learning how to wipe your ass efficiently.  For all too many people, it'd be the only thing they can do efficiently, that is, if they could do that.


The bidet sounds good until you realize that if there's no TP, where in hell you gonna get the water to run a toilet?  Cognitive dissonance, or just a failure to understand systems here?

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:59 | 2302176 Bob
Bob's picture

Seems to be the larger system.  C'mon, we all know there's no reason to put down the toilet seat cover--hell, why does such a thing exist anyway?--and that there's no compelling argument against leaving the damn seat up, either. 

Finding peace is difficult.  Even on the simplest things. 

If you challenge a guy to use two squares, it's up to him to tell you how it is. Or do it. 

Or buy his own. 

Things seem to get a whole lot more complicated between men and women. 

I gotta say, though, that less than 4 squares seems a little tight.

Actually, though I might be able to master it on my ass, a woman wiping a beutifully plump vagina wet with urine might find that a much harder task.  Think about it. You've done the motion detector hand towel dispensor . . . two or three swipes just to dry your fucking hands.  And you ain't packin' them into a nice pair of jeans like she is her package. 

Yeah, I've gone here, too.  Women=more tp. 

Thank God we loves 'em the way we do

Fri, 03/30/2012 - 07:01 | 2302938 Waterfallsparkles
Waterfallsparkles's picture

Women that have had children usually have Hemorrhoids.  Ever try to wipe feces off a bunch of grapes?

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:51 | 2302224 malikai
malikai's picture

Well, without water to run the toilet, the TP doesn't do much good either.

I too, agree. The answer is to learn how to wipe one's ass efficiently. I wonder why this is such a difficult subject for some. It seems so blatantly obvious to me.

Fri, 03/30/2012 - 04:24 | 2302860 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Tommy Toilet sez:

"Don't forget to wipe your ass folks!

It's good clean fun!

It's hygienic!

It's considerate of others!"


Thu, 03/29/2012 - 20:25 | 2302331 Dave Thomas
Dave Thomas's picture

I dunno about you, but I wipe till I hit bone.

I have fashioned a folding regimen that allows multiple passes and conserves paper, I usually burn about 15 squares, sometimes a little more when pork chops go on sale.

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 22:33 | 2302595 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

One of the funniest threads I've read in a while.

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 22:35 | 2302601 Teamtc321
Teamtc321's picture

WTF, whole section on how to wipe one's ass? It is no wonder the world is about to blow up, unreal people lmao................Good shit here...............First time I have laughed all day reading your post.  

Just for the record, I shall wipe my own ass anyway I see fit, lol. 


Fri, 03/30/2012 - 07:08 | 2302942 Waterfallsparkles
Waterfallsparkles's picture


You sound like one of those Guys that leave skid marks on the sheets and your underware.

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 22:33 | 2302598 Hedgetard55
Hedgetard55's picture



     Clearly, you are not strong enough to be her man...

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:38 | 2302181 Tarheel
Tarheel's picture

sounds like the TO DO list for our kenyan president.

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:47 | 2302212 slewie the pi-rat
slewie the pi-rat's picture

brand-name awareness is important when counterfeiting, lost_waggie

scalawags and scoundrels everywhere, BiCheZ!

to the barricades, les miserables!

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 22:18 | 2302568 ACP
ACP's picture

I'd say a Chairman is worth much less than $40.

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 22:31 | 2302594 LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

Dept of Education = Child Abuse/Neglect

Fri, 03/30/2012 - 02:25 | 2302817 suckitbitchez
suckitbitchez's picture

Four squares is not nearly enough. I fingered my ass one night while using 7 squares. Not the kind of stinky finger I wanted that night. Now I use at a min of 12 sq per wipe. Hell the tp is free, just take it from the office now. Why conserve?

Fri, 03/30/2012 - 03:55 | 2302851 Dingleberry
Dingleberry's picture

Because office TP is like sandpaper. My ass needs the Charmin.

Fri, 03/30/2012 - 03:18 | 2302839 Equites
Equites's picture

I bet Tyler never thought of this thread of commenting under this particular article ;) (for the onesome, I usually use toilet paper too - so either way, one needs it...)

Fri, 03/30/2012 - 03:58 | 2302850 Dingleberry
Dingleberry's picture

Not only that...but they don't wipe as much shit off as it used to. BTW, did you hear the no-shit (pardon the pun) story about Tide being stolen everywhere now? Some stores even have it behind the counter with the cigarettes. Google it. It's unreal.

Fri, 03/30/2012 - 07:07 | 2302940 connda
connda's picture

You're mad!  The government says there is no inflation!

/sarc off

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 18:53 | 2302077 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Fractional reserved banking = Loansharking

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:09 | 2302123 I am a Man I am...
I am a Man I am Forty's picture

loansharking is actually more legitimate

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:18 | 2302138 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Liberation = Bombing

Peacekeeping = Huntin' and Killin'

Questioning = Torture


Thu, 03/29/2012 - 19:43 | 2302196 Element
Element's picture

War = Peace

Bad = Good

Work shall set you free

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