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A Plea To UBS For Another Year Of Record Bonuses For Its Bankers - A (Tax Haven) Lampoon

Tyler Durden's picture


It has been a while since we have referred to Bloomberg columnist Jon Weil. The reason is we were waiting for something juicy, something one can sink one's teeth in, using money from a "tax free" Swiss bank account to pay. The need to wait is now over, as Weil explains why preserving the Swiss bank's bonus pool is right up there in the list of national priorities for the Swiss country as preserving the illusion that only you and your banker know who is behind that "numbered" account, in "Swiss Must Save UBS’s Bonus Pool or Die Trying." Cutting to the chase: "this year’s UBS bonus pool isn’t doomed, per se. It’s “at risk.” And where there’s a risk there’s always a way. What the UBS bankers need is a plan to ensure that the people who bear this loss are people other than themselves. Luckily, I have prepared one. To save the UBS bonus pool, UBS’s leaders must persuade the people of Switzerland to eat the losses the company is blaming on Kweku Adoboli, and to do so with joy in their hearts. Impossible, you say? Consider the following talking points..."

Quote Weil's list of record-bonus preserving arguments:

No. 1: Reimbursing UBS for the $2.3 billion would be an investment in the country’s future.


Surely it will cost Swiss taxpayers much more money later if they skip paying this small ante now. UBS’s writedowns during the last financial crisis topped 50 billion francs ($56 billion). To keep UBS afloat, the Swiss government put up 6 billion francs of bailout dough and took almost 40 billion francs of rotting assets off the company’s books. Better for the Swiss to nip these new “rogue trading” losses in the bud while they can.


No. 2: If the bankers don’t get their bonuses, the best and brightest UBS employees will leave for competitors.


Somebody has to stick around to clean up the mess being pinned on Adoboli. The Swiss must decide: Do they really want all of UBS’s best talent to leave for National Bank of Greece? Or worse, Deutsche Bank? This, too, would inevitably lead to even bigger losses later, which brings us to our next point.


No. 3: UBS isn’t actually a bank.


The Swiss government is the bank here, not UBS. In reality UBS is an off-balance-sheet SIV, or structured-investment vehicle, backed by the Swiss government. UBS shareholders and employees are the SIV’s “first-loss holders,” as they’re known in the trade. (UBS bondholders, as we all know, are prohibited by international law from incurring losses.) Normally the first-loss holders would exist to serve as a buffer, like swampland absorbing the storm surge from a hurricane, except these aren’t normal times. The better off the first-loss holders are, the safer the world will perceive UBS to be. So when the Swiss people rescue the UBS bonuses, what they’re doing is restoring the first-loss cushion to its rightfully bloated condition. And by doing so they’re saving themselves.


No. 4: Rescuing the bonus pool promotes Swiss competitiveness.


Anyone with even a passing knowledge of international debt markets knows that the price of Swiss government bonds has become ludicrously expensive. The flight into Swiss francs earlier this year has made life miserable for Swiss exporters. A standard-issue Rolex costs more than a five-bedroom house in Detroit. Viewed in that light, it could reasonably be argued that UBS isn’t losing anywhere near enough money to meet Swiss society’s needs. UBS finished last year with $1.4 trillion of assets, almost triple the size of Switzerland’s $524 billion annual gross domestic product.


Rather than purchasing unlimited quantities of foreign currencies to stop the franc from strengthening, a more efficient approach would be to tell the world that UBS is in grave danger of failing and that the Swiss people are eager to pay UBS bankers whatever bonus money is needed to turn the government’s budget surplus into a crippling deficit. With one bold gesture, the franc would plunge to new depths. Yields on Swiss government bonds would soar. And all of Switzerland would be richer for it.


No. 5: This is a matter of fairness.


When poor people lose their money, it’s a tragedy. There are so many of them, and they had so little to start with, there’s not much government can do, unlike with the wealthy. So the question must be answered: Is it really fair that hundreds of high-net-worth UBS professionals should pay for the alleged sins of a lone 31-year-old Ghanaian trader, just because they failed collectively to oversee him?

The U.S. let American International Group Inc. (AIG) pay more than $400 million in employee bonuses after that company’s $182 billion government bailout. Shouldn’t UBS bankers have available to them the same kind of social safety net that exists for others of their class? Discuss.

No. 6: The fundamentals of capitalism are at stake.


To paraphrase a line from AIG’s rescue plea, government backstops are the oxygen of the free-enterprise system. Without the promise of protection against life’s adversities, the fundamentals of capitalism are undermined, and we would all be on the road to serfdom.

The conclusion should be obvious:

The failure of the UBS bonus pool at a time of major global and economic instability would exacerbate the challenge of reigniting consumer confidence. Because Swiss banking has changed greatly in character over the last decade -- from just a basic provision of tax-evasion services to a vehicle for massively leveraged speculative wagering -- the effects of disrupting the industry are wide-ranging and significant.

Surely, after reading the above (and for the rest, click here), you can agree: it is mankind's sworn humanitarian duty to do all in their power to convince Siwtzerland that making sure the poor bankers in its biggest nationalized bank receive yet another year of record money, or else we will all suffer the consequences of capitalism gone horribly right.

And that is unacceptable.


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Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:37 | 1698768 reader2010
reader2010's picture

Fuck em.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:45 | 1698794 gojam
gojam's picture

I'm with you brother.

Extravagant bonuses, first against the wall when the revolution comes.

Hold on! Any chance UBS could find a scapegoat to offset their losses and justify their xmas bonus ?

Poor bastard

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:14 | 1698914 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

I think the Swiss bankers should be fondued in boiling oil, or somehow killed with a clock/pocketknife. The french should be fried, and the Italians should be put through a pasta maker. As America is the most gun happy of the bunch, only American bankers should line up against the wall, but should be shot in the balls, one ball at a time.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:28 | 1698938 MillionDollarBonus_
MillionDollarBonus_'s picture

This is a matter of Swiss national pride. The reason we Americans can be proud of our economy is because we take care of national gems, like General Motors (1908), Merrill Lynch (1914) and Goldman Sachs (1869). To neglect a struggling company of such national significance is a crime against our childrens' confidence and pride in their heritage. I know it is tempting to succum to envy and jealousy, but you you know in your hearts that protecting these companies is a matter of national pride and it is the right thing to do.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:34 | 1698959 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

You are an excellent performance artist. I am inspired by the imagination needed to cook this crap up and never pop out of character.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 20:20 | 1699406 mick_richfield
mick_richfield's picture

If I trained trolls, I would force them to use the spell checker.  Or use easier words than "succum".

We have standards in this fight club, dammit.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 21:27 | 1699565 russki standart
russki standart's picture

This is one of the funniest news stories I've read in a while. Well done, Jonathan. As for UBS, we all know what they stand for:

United Bullshitters

Unadulterated Banking Scum

U Been Scammed

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:46 | 1698983 Problem Is
Problem Is's picture

Corporate National Pride

Martin Bormann, Rockefeller and Prescott Bush said the same thing about Auschwitz's famous I G Farben corporation...

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:55 | 1699025 Sabibaby
Sabibaby's picture

It;s time to liberate the Swiss the way we've liberated Iraqi's and Afgani's and Libyan's. We're here for you People of Switzerland, we will liberate you from your riches!!!

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:35 | 1699143 upWising
upWising's picture

"It'a hard being a CYNIC these days because it is so much work to keep up."

-Lillie Tomlin

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 21:58 | 1699668 TrulyBelieving
TrulyBelieving's picture

MillionDollarBogus,  You must be out of your mind. Any fredom loving free market thinking person pukes at this thought. You are bound to know that GM is just a wing of government now that they have been bailed out. They now have an unfair advantage over their competition and can do whatever they wish with big labor in charge and the gov backing it all up. You make me sick.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 22:23 | 1699724 fxrxexexdxoxmx
fxrxexexdxoxmx's picture

MDB is the best we have ever had. Keep up the great work!!!!!

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:19 | 1698927 Duuude
Duuude's picture



US banks paid $130B in bonuses last year...


Fri, 09/23/2011 - 04:35 | 1700212 Remo Williams
Remo Williams's picture

Let's say 2% of people in the US work in banking, that's 6,000,000 people.  Splitting your 130,000,000,000 figure evenly amongst them gives every employee a bonus of 21,666.67 USDWhich will be taxed at roughly 50%, so they will pocket $10833.33

Wow, just look at those rich bastards driving around in their brand new Geo Metros!  Up against the wall with em!  Oh wait, the distribution wasn't even and fairly split across every employee you say?  Well in that case we shouldn't unfairly punish the poor working schmoes at these institutions right?  But you argue we should let all of these institutions fail and therefore throw all of these folks out of work because a few at the top who grabbed up all of that money and will be unaffected by the financial havoc you guys seem to be so fervently praying for every day you wake up and bathe in the blood of a banker?

Just so we're clear, do you idiots every look in the mirror and wonder how such fine specimen's of the American public such as yourselves could hold the cognitive dissonance at bay while you waddle over to your walmart PC to post such drivel?

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:39 | 1699153 oogs66
oogs66's picture

It's only a lampoon if it isn't true I bet a bunch of these arguments are being made.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 19:25 | 1699282 Buck Johnson
Buck Johnson's picture

If they would have stood up and said no they won't show the accounts, maybe people would be likeing them but no more. 

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:52 | 1698838 Comay Mierda
Comay Mierda's picture

the swiss should hang this asshole

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:24 | 1698939 Manthong
Manthong's picture

A Guinean got DSK and a Ghanian got UBS.

Lots of money and careers down the tubes and everybody gets it in the rear.

It just doesn’t get any better than this.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:51 | 1699002 deez nutz
deez nutz's picture

The Swiss should hang this asshole


..... and the MILLION DOLLAR BONUS asshole right above too!

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:40 | 1698777 Moe Howard
Moe Howard's picture

A standard issue Timex costs more than a five bedroom house in Detriot, why mention Rolex?

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:36 | 1698961 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Yeah you can get them for $1.00. Might say something like buying thousands of houses in Detroit maybe.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:40 | 1698779 Ruffcut
Ruffcut's picture

"No. 3: UBS isn’t actually a bank."

It is actually a criminal organization with many hobbies like fist fucking many humans on the planet earth.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:45 | 1698802 Don Smith
Don Smith's picture

They could start here...

(h/t @)

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:53 | 1698845 Shitters_Full
Shitters_Full's picture

I don't know where to...oh, dear God...that words.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:38 | 1698964 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

We can only warn folks not to look.

Fri, 09/23/2011 - 00:29 | 1699971 Antipodeus
Antipodeus's picture

Now I do wish I hadn't looked!  Serves me right ... curiosity killed the pu ... CAT.  Reminds me of something out of "Predator". ... Still, the erotic possibilities are vaguely intriguing ...?


Fri, 09/23/2011 - 02:37 | 1700144 Coldfire
Coldfire's picture

Nightmare fuel.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:40 | 1698780 OneEyedJack
OneEyedJack's picture

A standard-issue Rolex costs more than a five-bedroom house in Detroit

So true, but would you sleep there?

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:54 | 1698783 Cliff Claven Cheers
Cliff Claven Cheers's picture

At this point I don't know why I even read the news anymore. All a bunch of effin corruption.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:42 | 1698792 JW n FL
JW n FL's picture



It is hard for the Job Creators to do ALL that God's Work without Bonuses!

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:46 | 1699174 oogs66
oogs66's picture

And how could Obama tax the rich if the Swiss didn't let them get rich? How would the UBS member of his economic advisory team raise money for his re-election?

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 20:43 | 1699459 Rick64
Rick64's picture

the best and brightest

Personally I would like to see some less qualified people come in.  The best and the brightest don't really have a good track record lately.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:43 | 1698793 wombats
wombats's picture

Yawn.  Who cares about the UBS bonus pool?  The only one anybody cares about preserving is the GS bonus pool!  As long as their bonuses are safe the rest of the world can sleep safely and soundly at night. <sarc>


GS Bonuses MUST be preserved at all costs.  There is nothing more important for the world economy.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 20:58 | 1699487 Rick64
Rick64's picture

We must abandon the principles of the free market in order to preserve it. This is classic Bush .

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:48 | 1698795 Mercury
Mercury's picture

Next lampoon....Venture Socialism: The Engine of American Prosperity

Oh wait, that's actually official policy....

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:51 | 1698834 gojam
gojam's picture

Stupid cow!

Not you Mercury but Venture Socialism is an oxymoron.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:44 | 1698798 vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

Too funny. This makes Month Python look low-grade!

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:56 | 1698859 Judge Holden
Judge Holden's picture

Agreed - genius.  The sad thing is that the line between parody and reality is quickly becoming obscured, as I'm willing to bet that several of these will be used.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:44 | 1698800 1835jackson
1835jackson's picture

Voices tell me I should wear a thong

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:44 | 1698801 Cliff Claven Cheers
Cliff Claven Cheers's picture

Look at Deninnger over at his sight calling for justice for about the 4th year in row.  When is he going to give up, he isn't going to win?

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:49 | 1698823 slackrabbit
slackrabbit's picture

so you wont complain when some one sc$ews you right?

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:53 | 1698844 Cliff Claven Cheers
Cliff Claven Cheers's picture

No I am just fatigued reading this shit day after day.  I can't understand for the life of me why none of the injustices are never prosecuted.  I'm just saying Karl has a lot more staying power. I give the Fuck up.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:25 | 1698941 Ruffcut
Ruffcut's picture

Denigga has been on tv and thinks in a very small box, filled with turds, thinking they are food.

Guess what, denig and others. NO JUSTICE IS CUMMING!!

Something else is, though. WHere you gonna be when the lights go out?

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 19:31 | 1699303 j0nx
j0nx's picture

They aren't prosecuted because we live in a fucking police state and you as a citizen can't insist and make them do what should be LEGALLY done because you would be arrested and/or gunned down for trying it.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:46 | 1698811 dick cheneys ghost
dick cheneys ghost's picture

Phil Gramm to gitmo..............NOW

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:08 | 1698892 Flakmeister
Flakmeister's picture


Perchance did someone read yesterdays postings by yours truly??

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:38 | 1698965 MichaelG
MichaelG's picture

Who knows, but if Leach & Bliley are extraordinarily rendered to Indonesia or Burma or somewhere, you won't see me complaining.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 20:51 | 1698990 Flakmeister
Flakmeister's picture

I'd settle for an ice floe in the Caribbean....

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:53 | 1699016 11b40
11b40's picture

......and send his wife with him!

For those who don't know, Sen. Phil Gramm was THE driving force behind the repeal of Glass-Stegall, as well as numerous other bits of legislation dismantling regulation of the financial industry in the late '90's & early Bush administration.  More than any other individual, he bears responsibility for this mess.


Some economists state that the 1999 legislation spearheaded by Gramm and signed into law by President Clinton — the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act — was significantly to blame for the 2007 subprime mortgage crisis and 2008 global economic crisis.[9][10] The Act is most widely known for repealing portions of the Glass–Steagall Act, which had regulated the financial services industry.[11] The Act passed the House and Senate by an overwhelming majority on 4 November 1999.[12][13]

Gramm responded in March 2008 to criticism of the act by stating that he saw "no evidence whatsoever" that the sub-prime mortgage crisis was caused in any way "by allowing banks and securities companies and insurance companies to compete against each other."[14]

Gramm's support was later critical in the passage of the Commodity Futures Modernization Act of 2000, which kept derivatives transactions, including those involving credit default swaps, free of government regulation.[15]

In its 2008 coverage of the financial crisis, The Washington Post named Gramm one of seven "Key Players In the Battle Over Regulating Derivatives", for having "[p]ushed through several major bills to deregulate the banking and investment industries, including the 1999 Gramm-Leach-Bliley act that brought down the walls separating the commercial banking, investment and insurance industries".[16] 

As of 2009, Gramm is employed by UBS AG as a Vice Chairman of the Investment Bank division. states that a Vice Chairman of a UBS division is "...appointed to support the business in their relationships with key clients."[32] He joined UBS in 2002 immediately after retiring from the Senate.[33]


Phil Gramm, then a Democrat, was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. Five years later in 1984, he switched his party affiliation to the GOP and won the Senate seat that he still occupies. The move to Washington began a succession of appointed federal jobs for Mrs. Gramm. She headed the economics bureau of the Federal Trade Commission's Division of Consumer Protection and served as administrator of information and deregulatory affairs in the Office of Management and Budget. In 1987 The New York Times described her as "one of the Reagan administration's most vigorous deregulators." President Reagan called her "my favorite economist," naming her chairman of the Commodity Futures Trading Commission, the powerful regulatory agency which oversees the nation's commodities and futures exchanges.

Her dual roles as CFTC head and Senator's wife put her in a difficult position. There were times when Senator Gramm sought the support of some of the same agricultural and business interests that she was regulating. On trips to Texas during his 1989 Senatorial campaign she worked both on CFTC business and for her husband's reelection. After leaving the CFTC in early 1992, Wendy Gramm accepted lucrative directorships on the boards of several corporations she had regulated. Several of these corporations were also financial supporters of her husband's Presidential campaign. One of the boards on which Mrs. Gramm sits is Enron Corporation, a Texas natural gas company, which has given almost $35,000 to Phil Gramm over the years. She was named to the company's board, just five weeks after stepping down from the CFTC, which around the same time, exempted Enron and a group of other oil and gas companies from federal regulation on some of their commodities trading. The move was a big financial boon to Enron.

Enron pays Wendy Gramm $22,000 a year for her service on its board, plus $1,250 for every meeting she attends. The CEO of Enron, Kenneth Lay, is regional chair of the Gramm for President Campaign. When Senator Gramm kicked off his campaign last February with a record-setting fund raising dinner, Lay and his wife were present.

Another board Wendy Gramm sits on is that of Iowa Beef Processors (IBP), a large meat processing company. Based in Dakota City, Nebraska, IBP is a powerful corporation next door to a key election- year state, Iowa. Support for Senator Gramm at IBP came in handy last August at the Iowa straw poll in Ames. IBP sent a memo to its management level employees encouraging them to attend the straw poll, which is not restricted to Iowa residents, and informing them that $25 tickets and bus transportation would be provided by the Phil Gramm-for-President campaign. Gramm campaign buses picked up the IBP employees at eight separate locations in the states of Iowa, Nebraska, and Illinois and transported them to the straw poll, where their votes helped Gramm tie front-runner Bob Dole and gave the Gramm campaign an important boost.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 20:21 | 1699412 Rick64
Rick64's picture

Throw in some lobbyists, fraud, corruption, and this is how D.C. works.  Another success story of politicians representing the corporations and banks while lining their pockets.

Fri, 09/23/2011 - 03:15 | 1700171 BigDuke6
BigDuke6's picture

thx mate,

its all very fracking dirty.

i read this article in the paper this morning, i saw bloomberg at the end of the article and thought 'that explains that piece of shit article then'.

its like goddam royalty in pre-revolution france... except the people dont have any danton or robespierre to warm up the guillotines.


Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:46 | 1698812 espirit
espirit's picture

Luckily, UBS cut their investments by 2 Billion last week, or else they would really be in trouble this week.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:48 | 1698815 slackrabbit
slackrabbit's picture

Let it burn!

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:48 | 1698816 carbonmutant
carbonmutant's picture

"In reality UBS is an off-balance-sheet SIV..."

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:12 | 1698835 Ghordius
Ghordius's picture

...that kind of idea is just what might push the Swiss Socialists and the Swiss Populists to unite, nationalize the two giants and just cut them to pieces like Baby Bells.

The Populists are already asking for a ban on Investment Banking and the Socialist are really, really mad at the bonus pools...


BOTTOM LINE: it might cost less to a sovereign BUY a TBTF than to BAIL it out.

Think about it, for 50 billion you could even buy... the... SQUID !!!

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 20:26 | 1699421 Rick64
Rick64's picture

Excellent idea. Buy it then sell it off and take the loss. I like it.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:53 | 1698842 mfoste1
mfoste1's picture

bonuses? for what? losing?! let em starve for all i fucking care. UBS welcome to the common folk lifestyle

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:55 | 1698851 Mae Kadoodie
Mae Kadoodie's picture

Cue the Hitler in the UBS bunker video.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:56 | 1698853 lolmao500
lolmao500's picture

What a shill! He should work for CNBC, he would feel at home!

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:56 | 1698858 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

typical joo spiel

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:59 | 1698869 Cliff Claven Cheers
Cliff Claven Cheers's picture

Here we go again with the "Jew Envy". 

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:44 | 1698882 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

wow, you are fast!


edit: but not as fast as yo mama

heh heh

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:53 | 1699203 Cliff Claven Cheers
Cliff Claven Cheers's picture

Your envy shows every time you comment on Jews.  They are blessed people and have excellent financial skills.  

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 19:16 | 1699255 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

I'm going to take it easy on you because I suspect you may be a young person who is unduly troubled by my trollish jew-baiting. You talk as if you are repeating something your mom told you to say which is no fun for me. Shalom.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 19:50 | 1699335 Cliff Claven Cheers
Cliff Claven Cheers's picture


Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:18 | 1699093 James
James's picture

It's not joo "Envy" Cliff.

More like when will we lock the joo up for economic terrorism.

This worldwide scam is foisted upon us by the zionist joo and their paid-off lackeys.

To date the joo has been told to leave 79 countries for this same bullshit.

About time we made it 80.

Zionist Israel is not a friend of the world.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:51 | 1699190 Cliff Claven Cheers
Cliff Claven Cheers's picture

I heard a stat the other day that said there are only 11 million jews on Earth.  If we hadn't killed so many through out the years the population would be about 230 million.  I don't know the accuracy of these but by the way you talk I can believe it.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:38 | 1699152 M.B. Drapier
M.B. Drapier's picture

Those wicked Jews with their (clearly co-ordinated and master-planned!) campaign of hostility to our finest financial institutions. Er, wait...

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 16:59 | 1698870 mr1963
mr1963's picture

SocGen selling NewEdge I hear. Apparently they weren't the other side of the trade...

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:05 | 1698886 KevinH
KevinH's picture

umm.... sarcasm?!?!?

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:05 | 1698887 wisefool
wisefool's picture

Once again, the people at the top and bottom of the food chain pay no taxes, but use the most of the government services, and do not provide anything in return,  which would be better than these cases, where they actually damage the system.

End the tax code. implement consumption tax, you might even get a few drug dealers to contribute to society when they purchase accesories for their extravagant automobiles.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:11 | 1698901 Flakmeister
Flakmeister's picture

No, that would be too fucking rational for the fucking meatheads in Congress....

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:10 | 1698894 Nascent_Variable
Nascent_Variable's picture

I'm calling bullshit on #5.  An editor must have inserted that one to make him look like a total sociopath.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:10 | 1698895 Island_Dweller
Island_Dweller's picture

How do I send a donation?

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:11 | 1698900 PulauHantu29
PulauHantu29's picture

Yeah, Bonus Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Grab the KY....taxpers gonna take another punking

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:19 | 1698928 Papasmurf
Papasmurf's picture

Could austerity be coming to a bankster near you?

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 20:51 | 1699472 Rick64
Rick64's picture

No the austerity comes after the banks and corporations are bailed out, and only applies to the peasants. 

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:22 | 1698935 VyseLegendaire
VyseLegendaire's picture

Pitchfork time. 

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:33 | 1698957 shazbotz
shazbotz's picture

Seize and liquidate the assets of every financial institution and their employees across the globe

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:37 | 1698962 mhjhnsn
mhjhnsn's picture

How about fuck 'em and thereby create an incentive for the future where traders' bosses and co-workers as well as Risk Management will keep a better eye on things? Instead of having there be no consequence to any of them by sitting around while someone sinks the company?

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:43 | 1698979 MichaelG
MichaelG's picture

FBI will be kicking your door down fairly soon. Can't have people spreading this kind of dangerous sense.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:39 | 1698966 Problem Is
Problem Is's picture

Bonus Pool to Buy Guillotines

The Swiss people should use what ever is left in the bonus pool to buy guillotines for banksters for Christmas...

Cut Management: A Clean Cut & Fresh Start
Obviously the incompetent UBS management needs to be cut...

Make a clean cut and start the new year fresh and bankster-less...

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:49 | 1698996 iinthesky
iinthesky's picture

UBS is the chief player in US private prison corporations and prison bonds. Good people doing gods work!

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:54 | 1699018 Scalaris
Scalaris's picture

Jesus H Samuel Jackson Christ is this guy being serious? Just because corrupt governments socialized financial institutions debts thereby making them tax-paying citizens burden, doesn't make financial institutions losses equal to humanity's eschaton. 

There not even using their thinly veiled theatrics anymore, just point blank fear mongering - "the effects of disrupting the industry are wide-ranging and significant." - if the guards of kthulu don't collect their gold coins.

What will happen then? Will they switch universal oxygen supply off? Will Atlas drop the globe? What?


Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:48 | 1699177 lizzy36
lizzy36's picture

He is being very very sarcastic.

And using all the arguements that were used in 2008/2009 to justify bailing out the banks and paying out large bonuses in the UNITED STATES.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:54 | 1699204 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

It is a statement that it is hard for folks to tell.

I'm working on a label for it. Not surrealism but absurdrealism maybe.

Fri, 09/23/2011 - 01:05 | 1700009 Antipodeus
Antipodeus's picture

Oh, for goodness' sake 'Scalaris' ... have you never come across the concept of 'sarcasm'.  'Lampoon' is in most dictionaries -- look it up.  You are in no position to be calling another person a 'moron'.

Fri, 09/23/2011 - 08:28 | 1700500 Scalaris
Scalaris's picture

Admittedly, I barely skimmed it rushing swiftly to the epilogue. 

-1 dead pan point for me 


Thu, 09/22/2011 - 17:57 | 1699031 mynhair
mynhair's picture

Kan I haz Swiss bailout now, pleeze?

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:55 | 1699208 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

So Kitty wantz da cheeze?

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:01 | 1699047 NumberNone
NumberNone's picture

Fuck this guy and UBS.  This guy makes it sounds like UBS is run by a bunch of choir boys that only want to do good for the world and if only that 'one bad apple' had not ruined it for everyone.  Thank God the Swiss have the folks at UBS fighting for Army knives, chocolate, Riccola, the Matterhorn, and whatever the fuck those 10-foot bugles are called.  I think the guy is half-ass joking in his commentary, but if he's not....

Mr. Weiss the guys at UBS are scumbags.  They deserve to be kicked in the nuts without bonuses.  These guys should be run from the organization and forced go to work for banks in Greece.  These guys should be punished for letting a lone trader from Ghana (code for 'black and not like us') lose $'s called doing your fucking job.

These guys just paid huge fines for fucking the US taxpayer.  Fuck them. 

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:06 | 1699060 mynhair
mynhair's picture

Swiss Squid - the new clamari.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:08 | 1699066 Anarchyteez
Anarchyteez's picture

Everything is on sale peeps! Back up the trucks and make'um hurt!!!

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:25 | 1699102 mynhair
mynhair's picture

O ya, loading up on NFLX puts as you type.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:14 | 1699083 use-ta-be-rich
use-ta-be-rich's picture

The case against UBS's Kweku Adoboli should be considered also, I mean here's a firm that  promoted backroom boy two years ago because they wanted to give youngsters more opportunity (actually UBS wanted to save money and fired thier seasoned traders).But could it be that this rogue trader's executives were ignoring his activity because compensation is structured in a way that it creates a strong incentive to commit fraud?...then get the State to make up the loses

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:49 | 1699184 Urban Redneck
Urban Redneck's picture

The notion of a UBS bonus pool is almost as laughable as their official "dress code" - unfortunately in bizzaro world they both actually exist, unlike basic process and risk oversight and management at UBS.   

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 18:50 | 1699187 Egg Management Fee
Egg Management Fee's picture

why is no one covering this? you may not agree with their message, but there is no way for freedom to be treated.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 19:05 | 1699234 PulauHantu29
PulauHantu29's picture

How about transfer the culprits to their Fukushima UBS Branch for a year ..or two?

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 19:24 | 1699280 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

Oh, if only Leona Helmsley were still alive she would help them make their case; "I addition to Taxes, Losses and Risk are also for the little people". 

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 20:07 | 1699376 Anarchyteez
Anarchyteez's picture

A second language and a new from afar with remote control.

Mmmm, Mezcal.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 20:10 | 1699384 Anonymouse
Anonymouse's picture

No 1 is the argument CNBC has been spouting for a couple of days now when BofA is discussed.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 21:06 | 1699502 Mallenet
Mallenet's picture

Jeez - why are you all taking it seriously?  It is just Nazi funds taken from most of Europe and all of Jews over 60 years ago - you didn't moan for 60+ years so why moan now?  Oh - some of that illegal money ended up in your pocket and now it has been lost to a pocket that is not 'old school'!?

Yup - that sounds like a valid reason to me, with my IQ of 25!

What a joke of a country, what a joke of a bank: what a shame they still exist - nature is doing what men in power had no balls for!

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 21:23 | 1699555 Ganja Jane
Ganja Jane's picture

AND they're going to devalue CHF to 1.20?!


Thu, 09/22/2011 - 21:52 | 1699642 fenner
fenner's picture

Is this joking?

Let UBS sell their building in Paradeplatz or on Bahnhofstrasse to fund their own bonuses.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 22:23 | 1699664 nah
nah's picture

No. 2: If the bankers don’t get their bonuses, the best and brightest UBS employees will leave for competitors.


The Swiss must decide: Do they really want all of UBS’s best talent to leave for National Bank of Greece?


loves me talent bitchez

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 22:14 | 1699708 xtop23
xtop23's picture

Yes by all means if they dont receive bonuses then the public will lose confidence in their stability.

Honestly? This paragraph is so nauseating that I literally cant come up with anything to top it.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 22:52 | 1699781 bankruptcylawyer
bankruptcylawyer's picture

If adjusted for purchasing power parity, Switzerland ranks elevenths country in the world for GDP per capita, according to CIA World Facts.[75] The World Economic Forum's Global Competitiveness Report currently ranks Switzerland's economy as the most competitive in the world.[77] For much of the 20th century, Switzerland was the wealthiest country in Europe by a considerable margin.[78] In 2010, the Global Wealth Report by Credit Suisse Research Institute found that Switzerland has the highest average wealth per adult at $372,692, followed by Norway, Australia and Singapore at $326,530, $320,909 and $255,488 respectively, with wealth defined by the value of financial and non-financial (such as real estate) assets.[7] In 2005 the median household income in Switzerland was an estimated 95,000 CHF, the equivalent of roughly 100,000 USD (as of December 2010) in nominal terms. 



----i don't think the 'people' of switzerland are going to try and shove it to their bankers. not until they are poorer, much poorer. 

Fri, 09/23/2011 - 04:29 | 1700208 minimetro
minimetro's picture

I don't know whether it's more depressing that the in-your-face sarcasm has been missed by so many commenters here or on Bloomberg.

If he had used some ;) emoticons would it have made it clearer?



Fri, 09/23/2011 - 04:29 | 1700209 minimetro
minimetro's picture

I don't know whether it's more depressing that the in-your-face sarcasm has been missed by so many commenters here or on Bloomberg.

If he had used some ;) emoticons would it have made it clearer?



Fri, 09/23/2011 - 06:08 | 1700243 honestann
honestann's picture

The brightest and best [at fraud] spend all their time stealing from the owners of their corporation and enriching themselves and their co-predators.  Therefore, what you want these days is just a plain old honest human being with common sense and ethics.

Terminate UBS.  Terminate all central banks.  Terminate any "official" connection between every "government" and anything whatsoever to do with the financial system or economy.  And hang all the banksers for treason and crimes against humanity.

Fri, 09/23/2011 - 06:39 | 1700267 Overflow-admin
Overflow-admin's picture

Dont mess with me UBS, I'm Outraged! Je suis un Indigné! Soy un Indignado! Ich bin ein Indigniert! Coming soon to Zurich, Bahnhofstrasse 45 -> UBS Headquarters.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!