Saving The World

Tyler Durden's picture

Via Mark J. Grant, author of Out of the Box,

Saving the World somehow seems like an extreme sport. It is talked about by many but practiced by few. The Greeks climbed up on Mount Olympus and claimed that Zeus would do it. Moses went up on the mountain and returned with the Ten Commandments that have influenced the world but didn’t make it to the saving part. The newest attempt has been claimed by Mario Draghi but it may be one of those Lance Armstrong kind of things where the steroids of the moment pushed the claimer past his boundaries. The markets, the equity markets in particular, have been betting for weeks that the world was going to be saved and have been waiting for the evidence of the transformation as I have stood on the sidelines and shook my head. I have seen the prophets before; the world is going straight to Heaven, the world is going straight to Hell and yet somehow we always find ourselves stuck in Perdition where mankind vacillates between the two.
 
In Mario Draghi’s case, you see, he needs the parishioners to go along with the scheme and while everyone may share the same Bible the interpretation is not the same. You may have noticed that the Jews, Catholics, Christians and so forth all utilize the Old Testament but after some three thousand years of studying it; there is no agreement yet. Many men have said that this book can save the world but, somehow or another, it has come up short. Perhaps it is my Missouri upbringing, it is called the “Show Me” state, but I have never been a believer in prophets of any sort that wander around proclaiming that they can save the world. Of course Italy is famous for these sorts of people. Many live in that small city inside of Rome so I suppose they have had a couple of thousand years of contagion and Monti must be partially excused for thinking that, upon ascending to the throne, that this was the correct way to go about things.
 
“He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”
 
                           -Douglas Adams
 
I recall being on my boat in Tortola and the revival meeting that took place one night. It was across the bay from where I was docked and it was piped into the heavens on some very loud speakers as the Pastor intoned the Save the World doctrine. He said he was quoting from the New, New Testament, a book which I was then and am still unfamiliar with, but he was quoting from it, where God was going to come riding into Tortola with one foot on a whale and the other foot on a dolphin. It seemed uncertain when this would happen, it always seems uncertain when this fellow might show up which is a centerpiece of the Save the World doctrine, but he was coming at some point of that we all could be assured. He then introduced Ezekiel who was ninety-one and had not walked in forty years but, Hallelujah and all manner of Blessed Be’s, Ezekiel had gotten the Word and could now walk; which he then demonstrated as the crowd went wild. Then we were told that not only that, not only that, but that Ezekiel had married his nineteen year old cousin, Bernice, and that she was blessed with a child. Wide eyed I went back into my boat and poured a plentiful dose of the medicinal, Grand Marnier. One needs a small dose of something after listening to these Save the World stories you know. Forget the sheep; I went to bed that night counting Bernice’s babies.
 
Now I will admit, quite candidly, that I don’t think that Mario Draghi is going to Save the World. In the first place, everyone knows that you need to wear a cape to do that sort of thing and I have never seen him in one; not once. That is the first indication.  Certain of his countrymen wear capes, that much is true, and they are always promising to Save the World but Draghi has not been given his cape yet; as far as I know. Next he is a banker. Now Mr. Obama has told us time again that bankers are bad people and not to be trusted and, as an American, I always take the words of our President at face value of course; especially this one.  Then one has to consider Draghi’s flock. He has one guy that believes in a lot of gods, some that toss out thunderbolts, another who fights windmills, one that likes to sail around the world, another who believes in eating cake and another Mario who is the lead character for some computer game. In the other corner you have the Pied Piperette trying to coerce the snakes out of town, some guy in wooden shoes, another fellow that actually likes Weiner Schnitzel and the producer of that famous TV show, “Valkyries Gone Wild.”
 
How soon-to-be Cardinal Draghi is going to save all of these people I have no idea and I suspect neither does he when the New, New, New Testament is revealed. What; God riding in on fettuccini spouting tomato sauce?  A miracle on trentiquattresime strada (34th Street)? A space time continum warp to free money? The end of all consequences and the deletion of the word from any known civilized language? Where are those darn glass slippers when you need them?
 
“It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.”
 
                       -Douglas Adams