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Summarizing Jamie Dimon's Congressional Testimony

Tyler Durden's picture


As expected, absolutely nothing new was disclosed in today's latest Jamie Dimon dog and pony show. To summarize what we did learn:

  • "JPM is not too big to fail, but it is not at risk of failing unless the earth is hit by the moon"
  • "We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans and widows"
  • "We only bought Bear's assets in a firesale while the Fed backstopped its liabilities, because the US government made us"
  • "VaR can be made to show anything. We have a closet full of models"
  • "Gambling is not investing"

Finally, Jamie Dimon once again refused to disclose the to-date losses on the CIO trade, but promises the firm will be profitable. Which only leaves one question open: how much "profit" from "reserve release" and "DVA", aka blowing out in JPM CDS, will the firm need to take to mask the CIO losses?


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Tue, 06/19/2012 - 13:51 | 2540137 reader2010
reader2010's picture

"Money for nothing and chicks for Free."

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 13:57 | 2540173 Stackers
Stackers's picture

Holy Crap !!!. The moon is about to crash into the Earth ???? When did this happen ?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:19 | 2540244 nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

2012 is the year of the intergalactic alignment.  Maybe he's hinting that JPig will blow up.  lol.

But JPig will blow up at some point, because the US gov't will blow up financially at some point.


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:36 | 2540302 Mark Carney
Mark Carney's picture

Lold when Deamon errr Dimon mistook $million for $billion and had no idea what was being said....

"Tell us about your $50 million stop"

"Ya, well that billion sto..."

"No, said $million"





"Oh, billion"

"No, million"

"Sorry,I dont know what million is.....billion do know."

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:33 | 2540521 Joe Sixpack
Joe Sixpack's picture

The moon hits the earth when silver goes to da moon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Buy silver [literally] crash JPMorgan!

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:05 | 2540413 ToNYC
ToNYC's picture

The CIO is hedging that Moon trade right now and the losses are north of 10Billion with no one taking the other side.

That Moon thing is why he bet your deposits, but there was this other Moon that did what Jaime knew could not happen as well.

The House can now refer to such JPMChase reports as from Jaime Dimon, the Man on the Moon events.


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:32 | 2540758 Dr. Kenneth Noi...
Dr. Kenneth Noisewater's picture


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:49 | 2540373 weltvermesser
weltvermesser's picture

how wonderful, always knew it goes like this:

mahatma gandhi, Mother Theresa, Jamie Dimon - the greatest friends of humanity

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:19 | 2540725 LMAOLORI
LMAOLORI's picture

Well said...

JPMorgan Chase Gets $14 Billion Per Year In Government Subsidy: Study


That's in addition to the free money from the Fed


Dirk van Dijk
, writing for the investor website, explains what a good deal this is for the banks:

“Keeping short-term rates low . . . is particularly helpful to the big banks like Bank of America (BAC) and JPMorgan (JPM)Their raw material is short-term money, which is effectively free right now. They can borrow at 0.25% or less, and then turn around and invest those funds in, say, a 5-year T-note at 2.50%, locking in an almost risk-free profit of 2.25%. On big enough sums of money, this can be very profitable, and will help to recapitalize the banking system (provided they don’t drain capital by paying it out in dividends or frittering it away in outrageous bonuses to their top executives).”

This can be very profitable indeed for the big Wall Street banks, but the purpose of the near-zero interest rates was supposed to be to get the banks to lend again. Instead, they are investing this virtually interest-free money in risk-free government bonds, on which we the taxpayers are paying 2.5% interest;


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:41 | 2540942 kraschenbern
kraschenbern's picture


WRT Dimon: "Gambling is not investing."  But investing is putting capital at risk; intelligently we hope.   So, let's admit that investing involves an element of gambling; unless the certainty of interest arbitrage is the essence of the bet; in that case it is simply self serving.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 22:15 | 2541684 bnbdnb
bnbdnb's picture

Umm, have the Tyler's brought up the fact that by disclosing this loss, JD is basically telling everyone to pile onto his position, while creating himself an opportunity to hedge the other way? I mean, really a $2b loss? Seriously?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 13:49 | 2540138 GeneMarchbanks
GeneMarchbanks's picture

"VaR can be made to show anything. We have a closet full of models"

Ah, RiskMetrics... the gift that keeps on taking.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 13:57 | 2540174 AL_SWEARENGEN

"We only bought Bear's assets in a firesale while the Fed backstopped its liabilities, because the US government made us"


     Is this an official admission from these cocksuckerz that the US government forced Bear Stearn's massive Silver short position on them??

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:47 | 2540363 Unholy Dalliance
Unholy Dalliance's picture

You, Sir (please note capital 'S'), have correctly nailed the gaffe of the century. Now, will JD (and I don't mean the one from Scrubs) still be at JPMC at the end of the week?????

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 13:51 | 2540142 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

"We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans and widows"

Rallying cry of all public (and many private) thieves. "We do it for the kids."

Nuff said.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 13:51 | 2540150 lizzy36
lizzy36's picture

Yeah, think Sandusky used that line often "we do it all for the kids". 

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:42 | 2540345 eclectic syncretist
eclectic syncretist's picture

Did he bring any Spiderman towels?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 13:59 | 2540178 Karl von Bahnhof
Karl von Bahnhof's picture

"We have a closet full of models"

Enough said, full closets...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:32 | 2540204 bdc63
bdc63's picture

... I asumed he meant a closet full of dead super model skeletons ...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:39 | 2540548 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

How can you tell?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:11 | 2540703 Freewheelin Franklin
Freewheelin Franklin's picture

"I came out of the closet centuries ago."

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:06 | 2540198 bdc63
bdc63's picture

"We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans, and widows"

Please, tell me this is a joke.  Even Lloyd "don't bother me, I'm busy doing God's work" Blankfein wouldn't be that audacious ...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:16 | 2540220 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



If he had just kissed an infant on t.v. it would have made his statement even more believable.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:24 | 2540271 Divided States ...
Divided States of America's picture

Actions speak louder than words. If Jamie Dimon really meant it, he should definitely help out on the food drives and donation collections for all the old people he put out of their homes, the uneducated kids who dont have enough to pay for tuition and the many others who lost everything because of his and his brethren's actions on Wall Street.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:49 | 2540370 combatsnoopy
combatsnoopy's picture

Dimon and Blankenfein do not exist.  THey're just imaginary financial Hilters who know how to vacuum the money out of a society going through a trade/investment deficit.   i have no idea of what you're talking about.  There are these old men on Wall Street in NYC who will make you blind for three days if you look at them.  

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:19 | 2540251 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Good Lord, did he really mention Widows and Orphans?


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:28 | 2540281 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

And don't forget the veterans and retirees as well.

It was The Full Monty.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:40 | 2540551 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

He's saving cripples and autistic kids for the next round.


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:11 | 2540385 combatsnoopy
combatsnoopy's picture

Yes my little pig droppings.  

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 13:54 | 2540152 Boilermaker
Boilermaker's picture

"We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans and widows"

What about the cripples and gimps?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:37 | 2540319 Whalley World
Whalley World's picture

Hey, that's hitting close to home! 

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:48 | 2540359 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



Well, at least he did leave out illegals, bath salt addicts, pedophiles, & axe murderers 4 now.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:56 | 2540403 combatsnoopy
combatsnoopy's picture

"It's the Hard Knock Life for us...."
(Love, Miss Hannigan's orphans) 

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 13:53 | 2540158 lizzy36
lizzy36's picture

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 13:55 | 2540164 Karl von Bahnhof
Karl von Bahnhof's picture

Moon is falling!

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:22 | 2540265 t_kAyk
t_kAyk's picture

I enjoy my insanity first thing in the morning, right before I hop on my unicorn and fly to my productive green energy job in never-never land. 

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 13:53 | 2540159 DoChenRollingBearing
DoChenRollingBearing's picture

Where's the MF Global money, Jamie?

Any of our Congresscritters think to ask him that?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:33 | 2540300 MFL8240
MFL8240's picture

It was used to payoff the courrpt politicians who questioned him.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 13:54 | 2540160 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

No, fuck YOU.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 13:54 | 2540163 TrainWreck1
TrainWreck1's picture

"who's in Your wallet?"


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:41 | 2540557 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

What was in your wallet?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 13:56 | 2540172 MrBoompi
MrBoompi's picture

"We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans and widows"

------    "You have to have a pair to win.  Here's 1 card for you and 51 cards for me...."    ----Jamie Dimon

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:11 | 2540175 LouisDega
LouisDega's picture

Did he mention when i get my free Waffle iron? Ive been wating 2 weeks now. I need to talk to his supervisor

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 13:58 | 2540176 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

If I read the testimony correctly then according to Fuld (er I mean Dimon sorry ha ha) -- Lehman (oh snap, I meant JPM) has never been in better shape.

Smarmy fucker. Okay I'm calling it: JPM trades under $5 before August. Of 2012.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 13:59 | 2540179 CommunityStandard
CommunityStandard's picture

Now I have to worry about the moon crashing into the earth?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:14 | 2540224 bdc63
bdc63's picture

Moonstruck, the Sequel

Will Smith and Bruce Willis are suiting up right now to deflect the moon -- and if we're lucky, Cher -- out of our solar system ...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:24 | 2540272 t_kAyk
t_kAyk's picture

You're gonna need more than a tinfoil hat... 

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:05 | 2540673 ToNYC
ToNYC's picture

He specifically said "a moon" not "the Moon". A moon from any other planet also works, we seem to be not noticing his precision. It depends what "a" is.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:00 | 2540181 Silversem
Silversem's picture

Instead of CDS i trade CFD

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:07 | 2540209 Karl von Bahnhof
Karl von Bahnhof's picture

Crash fuckers! Crash and burn! And all yours short silver bets!

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:00 | 2540183 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

I am still waiting for my Spiderman towels from JPM.  

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:00 | 2540186 JustObserving
JustObserving's picture

He wrapped himself in the flag - "We put America first."  That's a sure sign that he was lying.  


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:05 | 2540207 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Funny thing is I doubt that even a single sentient being in the entire universe believes even one thing he says on any topic ever.

But this whole thing was about visuals. Did he wear those cufflinks with the Presidential Seal on them?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:09 | 2540216 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then icons and symbols are worth a thousand pictures.

Look around you folks. You are surrounded by slave meme reinforcing symbols and icons. They are everywhere.

Be an iconoclast and destroy the images and symbols.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:28 | 2540284 t_kAyk
t_kAyk's picture

"Signs and symbols rule the world, not words nor laws."  ~ Confucius

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:03 | 2540196 whoopsing
whoopsing's picture

Insure the house+burn the house= PROFIT!!


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:04 | 2540201 RoadKill
RoadKill's picture

How can you guys focus on what JD said instead of the shit flying out of the pols mouthes - particularly the semen drenched idiocy flowing from Barney Franks mouth (or was it his ass. Hes so ugly who can tell. And both are full of semen and bullshit).

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:06 | 2540208 JohnKozac
JohnKozac's picture

JPM, aka, The Widows and Crippled Children's Charity Fund

Do they still qualify for all that Free Money from the Fed window with this change in status?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:44 | 2540344 combatsnoopy
combatsnoopy's picture

The baby mommas!  Like Bristol Palin.  Don't forget them too.  

They still qualify because they're bank holding companies and they get a taxbreak for exploiting Widows and crippled children's charity fund.

Don't feel bad, our boomer voting majority really believed him when John Lennon convinced people that he was a non-materalistic beatnik  (in reality he was a patronizing RICH wife beating person)... our voting majority will  believe anything.  

I think the Libertarians get this too well.  And I mean ANYTHING.  THey still think that God took the word "Gullible" out of the dictionary, they and their socialist Law Students are still looking for it. 

The boomer voting majority would actually believe Dimon over the stiffed and homeless widows, vets and crippled children right in front of them.  


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:24 | 2540228 razorthin
razorthin's picture

Earth struck by the moon.  Now THAT'S a foundation we can build upon.  Price discovery bichez!

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:13 | 2540230 midgetrannyporn
midgetrannyporn's picture

m-o-o-n spells "moon" now kiss my ass mutha fuggas!

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:20 | 2540257 lucas991
lucas991's picture

He didn't say "is not at risk of failing unless the earth is hit by the moon". Duffy asked: "Do you think JPM could lose half a trillion or even a trillion dollars?"
To which Dimon responded: "Not unless the moon hits the earth."


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:44 | 2540569 Karl von Bahnhof
Karl von Bahnhof's picture

Then its for sure. I go pack.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:22 | 2540258 web bot
web bot's picture

"Not unless the moon hits the earth"

I don't expect the moon to hit the earth... but much smaller phenomena have broughted down demigods such as Mr. Dimon. What hubris. I hope he is right and doesn't ever need to eat those words.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:24 | 2540270 Bazinga
Bazinga's picture

May the fleas of one thousand camels infest his armpits and groin.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:38 | 2540315 tony bonn
tony bonn's picture

mr dimonpunk is so full of himself....the losses which his bank will endure will be no match for loan loss releases....jpm is a financial soap opera and it will see red for a long time to come thanks to its conspiracy with the treasury and congress to screw with interest rates....can you say interest rate swap implosion? i knew you could......

and mr dimon, go fuck yourself you pompous ass.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:38 | 2540316 combatsnoopy
combatsnoopy's picture

Was that Maxine Waters "grilling" Mr. Dimon? 

Does she even know what COLLATERAL is?

After the Rodney King riots, I strongly believe that anything that is pulled out with a race card is automatically "special" and not worthy of judging the worst criminals in the history of the world.  

What are they gonna say?  "Yo Dawg, you got my welfare check!  I'll cap yo' @$$"

They should've just sacrificed his ass to the Chinese Gods of flogging in Singapore in exchage for our loans outstanding with them.  It would've been much more affordable than these, um bailouts.  

Stupid boomer voting majority.  STUPID! 

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:45 | 2540353 the grateful un...
the grateful unemployed's picture

but investing is gambling. gambling supposes you have no choice in the outcome of the game; like a slot machine for instance, or a 401K. (i mean you can choose your casino) gambling supposes a risk, when there is NO RISK you have a sure thing (kinda like no we can't lose unless the moon hits the earth because the game is rigged, we are backstopped by the government, who also tells us what to do) but as every gambler (and every con man knows)

there is no better mark than someone who doesn't believe in gambling, because only someone who believes there can be no risk (someone either religiiously or ethically disposed to avoid gambling) who BELIEVES IN A SURE THING. the gambler knows better. by example the great American Musical, The Music Man, where a con-man works the hicks, (while the hicks grow corn which is a huge gamble, but try and tell them that) because they don't believe in gambling, and knowing that the conman knows they are more easily convinced that he is selling a sure thing.

the con man wants us to accept his motto, there is gambling going on here!! you are being swindled!! hahahaha

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:46 | 2540355 Unholy Dalliance
Unholy Dalliance's picture

You, Sir (please note capital 'S'), have correctly nailed the gaffe of the century. Now, will JD (and I don't mean the one from Scrubs) still be at JPMC at the end of the week?????

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 14:54 | 2540394 BLACK_DOG
BLACK_DOG's picture

Day after day I continue to be amazed at how well informed & intelligent my fellow ZH users are. I am a 99%er Manufacturing Engineer by trade. MY small town Midwestern opinion is that Mr Dimon came across as being very arrogant! I was not impressed. 

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:00 | 2540414 eclectic syncretist
eclectic syncretist's picture

Mr Dimon and others like him want us all to believe that true value can be found in little bits of paper, when in fact it is found in the labor of people like yourself. 

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:05 | 2540430 Amish Hacker
Amish Hacker's picture

"Gambling is not investing." Quite right, and since investing is no longer possible (markets are currently managed to prevent price discovery), we'll gamble instead. But don't worry about risk. We'll buy insurance, in the form of congressional campaign contributions.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:16 | 2540469 Screwball
Screwball's picture

What about the quote where Dimon said how "great" our markets are?

Sure are, when they are rigged for you asshole.

The rest of us, not so much.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:20 | 2540484 shovelhead
shovelhead's picture

I would have wished a different script.

Dimon: Do you expect me to talk?"

"No, Mr.Dimon...I expect you to DIE."


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:28 | 2540509 reTARD
reTARD's picture

meh... I pooped today, now I can have Dinner with Barack.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:52 | 2540612 connda
connda's picture

"JPM is not too big to fail, but it is not at risk of failing unless the earth is hit by the moon" "We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans and widows" "We only bought Bear's assets in a firesale while the Fed backstopped its liabilities, because the US government made us" "VaR can be made to show anything. We have a closet full of models" "Gambling is not investing"

  • We have the US Government by the small hairs;
  • We'll squeeze until in hurts;
  • Just like a tsunami, well ride on the top of the floatsom and jetsam of sovereign debt implosions around the world;
  • ...and will end up resting on the top of what resembles viable governments when the seething mass come to rest.
  • ...sorta like gas filled turds in a toilet bowl.


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:54 | 2540623 connda
connda's picture

Oh yeah, and we are doing God Work as expressed by that Masonic reference to widows and ophans -- whom we really don't give a flying fuck about.

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