Summarizing Jamie Dimon's Congressional Testimony

Tyler Durden's picture

As expected, absolutely nothing new was disclosed in today's latest Jamie Dimon dog and pony show. To summarize what we did learn:

  • "JPM is not too big to fail, but it is not at risk of failing unless the earth is hit by the moon"
  • "We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans and widows"
  • "We only bought Bear's assets in a firesale while the Fed backstopped its liabilities, because the US government made us"
  • "VaR can be made to show anything. We have a closet full of models"
  • "Gambling is not investing"

Finally, Jamie Dimon once again refused to disclose the to-date losses on the CIO trade, but promises the firm will be profitable. Which only leaves one question open: how much "profit" from "reserve release" and "DVA", aka blowing out in JPM CDS, will the firm need to take to mask the CIO losses?

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
reader2010's picture

"Money for nothing and chicks for Free."

Stackers's picture

Holy Crap !!!. The moon is about to crash into the Earth ???? When did this happen ?

nope-1004's picture

2012 is the year of the intergalactic alignment.  Maybe he's hinting that JPig will blow up.  lol.

But JPig will blow up at some point, because the US gov't will blow up financially at some point.


Mark Carney's picture

Lold when Deamon errr Dimon mistook $million for $billion and had no idea what was being said....

"Tell us about your $50 million stop"

"Ya, well that billion sto..."

"No, said $million"





"Oh, billion"

"No, million"

"Sorry,I dont know what million is.....billion do know."

Joe Sixpack's picture

The moon hits the earth when silver goes to da moon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Buy silver [literally] crash JPMorgan!

ToNYC's picture

The CIO is hedging that Moon trade right now and the losses are north of 10Billion with no one taking the other side.

That Moon thing is why he bet your deposits, but there was this other Moon that did what Jaime knew could not happen as well.

The House can now refer to such JPMChase reports as from Jaime Dimon, the Man on the Moon events.


weltvermesser's picture

how wonderful, always knew it goes like this:

mahatma gandhi, Mother Theresa, Jamie Dimon - the greatest friends of humanity

LMAOLORI's picture

Well said...

JPMorgan Chase Gets $14 Billion Per Year In Government Subsidy: Study


That's in addition to the free money from the Fed


Dirk van Dijk
, writing for the investor website, explains what a good deal this is for the banks:

“Keeping short-term rates low . . . is particularly helpful to the big banks like Bank of America (BAC) and JPMorgan (JPM)Their raw material is short-term money, which is effectively free right now. They can borrow at 0.25% or less, and then turn around and invest those funds in, say, a 5-year T-note at 2.50%, locking in an almost risk-free profit of 2.25%. On big enough sums of money, this can be very profitable, and will help to recapitalize the banking system (provided they don’t drain capital by paying it out in dividends or frittering it away in outrageous bonuses to their top executives).”

This can be very profitable indeed for the big Wall Street banks, but the purpose of the near-zero interest rates was supposed to be to get the banks to lend again. Instead, they are investing this virtually interest-free money in risk-free government bonds, on which we the taxpayers are paying 2.5% interest;


kraschenbern's picture


WRT Dimon: "Gambling is not investing."  But investing is putting capital at risk; intelligently we hope.   So, let's admit that investing involves an element of gambling; unless the certainty of interest arbitrage is the essence of the bet; in that case it is simply self serving.

bnbdnb's picture

Umm, have the Tyler's brought up the fact that by disclosing this loss, JD is basically telling everyone to pile onto his position, while creating himself an opportunity to hedge the other way? I mean, really a $2b loss? Seriously?

GeneMarchbanks's picture

"VaR can be made to show anything. We have a closet full of models"

Ah, RiskMetrics... the gift that keeps on taking.


"We only bought Bear's assets in a firesale while the Fed backstopped its liabilities, because the US government made us"


     Is this an official admission from these cocksuckerz that the US government forced Bear Stearn's massive Silver short position on them??

Unholy Dalliance's picture

You, Sir (please note capital 'S'), have correctly nailed the gaffe of the century. Now, will JD (and I don't mean the one from Scrubs) still be at JPMC at the end of the week?????

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

"We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans and widows"

Rallying cry of all public (and many private) thieves. "We do it for the kids."

Nuff said.

lizzy36's picture

Yeah, think Sandusky used that line often "we do it all for the kids". 

eclectic syncretist's picture

Did he bring any Spiderman towels?

Karl von Bahnhof's picture

"We have a closet full of models"

Enough said, full closets...

bdc63's picture

... I asumed he meant a closet full of dead super model skeletons ...

Freewheelin Franklin's picture

"I came out of the closet centuries ago."

bdc63's picture

"We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans, and widows"

Please, tell me this is a joke.  Even Lloyd "don't bother me, I'm busy doing God's work" Blankfein wouldn't be that audacious ...

The Big Ching-aso's picture



If he had just kissed an infant on t.v. it would have made his statement even more believable.

Divided States of America's picture

Actions speak louder than words. If Jamie Dimon really meant it, he should definitely help out on the food drives and donation collections for all the old people he put out of their homes, the uneducated kids who dont have enough to pay for tuition and the many others who lost everything because of his and his brethren's actions on Wall Street.

combatsnoopy's picture

Dimon and Blankenfein do not exist.  THey're just imaginary financial Hilters who know how to vacuum the money out of a society going through a trade/investment deficit.   i have no idea of what you're talking about.  There are these old men on Wall Street in NYC who will make you blind for three days if you look at them.  

ebworthen's picture

Good Lord, did he really mention Widows and Orphans?


Cognitive Dissonance's picture

And don't forget the veterans and retirees as well.

It was The Full Monty.

GMadScientist's picture

He's saving cripples and autistic kids for the next round.


combatsnoopy's picture

Yes my little pig droppings.  

Boilermaker's picture

"We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans and widows"

What about the cripples and gimps?

Whalley World's picture

Hey, that's hitting close to home! 

The Big Ching-aso's picture



Well, at least he did leave out illegals, bath salt addicts, pedophiles, & axe murderers 4 now.

combatsnoopy's picture

"It's the Hard Knock Life for us...."
(Love, Miss Hannigan's orphans) 

t_kAyk's picture

I enjoy my insanity first thing in the morning, right before I hop on my unicorn and fly to my productive green energy job in never-never land. 

DoChenRollingBearing's picture

Where's the MF Global money, Jamie?

Any of our Congresscritters think to ask him that?

MFL8240's picture

It was used to payoff the courrpt politicians who questioned him.

TrainWreck1's picture

"who's in Your wallet?"


MrBoompi's picture

"We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans and widows"

------    "You have to have a pair to win.  Here's 1 card for you and 51 cards for me...."    ----Jamie Dimon

LouisDega's picture

Did he mention when i get my free Waffle iron? Ive been wating 2 weeks now. I need to talk to his supervisor

cougar_w's picture

If I read the testimony correctly then according to Fuld (er I mean Dimon sorry ha ha) -- Lehman (oh snap, I meant JPM) has never been in better shape.

Smarmy fucker. Okay I'm calling it: JPM trades under $5 before August. Of 2012.

CommunityStandard's picture

Now I have to worry about the moon crashing into the earth?

bdc63's picture

Moonstruck, the Sequel

Will Smith and Bruce Willis are suiting up right now to deflect the moon -- and if we're lucky, Cher -- out of our solar system ...

t_kAyk's picture

You're gonna need more than a tinfoil hat... 

ToNYC's picture

He specifically said "a moon" not "the Moon". A moon from any other planet also works, we seem to be not noticing his precision. It depends what "a" is.

Silversem's picture

Instead of CDS i trade CFD

Karl von Bahnhof's picture

Crash fuckers! Crash and burn! And all yours short silver bets!