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Summarizing Jamie Dimon's Congressional Testimony
As expected, absolutely nothing new was disclosed in today's latest Jamie Dimon dog and pony show. To summarize what we did learn:
- "JPM is not too big to fail, but it is not at risk of failing unless the earth is hit by the moon"
- "We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans and widows"
- "We only bought Bear's assets in a firesale while the Fed backstopped its liabilities, because the US government made us"
- "VaR can be made to show anything. We have a closet full of models"
- "Gambling is not investing"
Finally, Jamie Dimon once again refused to disclose the to-date losses on the CIO trade, but promises the firm will be profitable. Which only leaves one question open: how much "profit" from "reserve release" and "DVA", aka blowing out in JPM CDS, will the firm need to take to mask the CIO losses?
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"Money for nothing and chicks for Free."
Holy Crap !!!. The moon is about to crash into the Earth ???? When did this happen ?
2012 is the year of the intergalactic alignment. Maybe he's hinting that JPig will blow up. lol.
But JPig will blow up at some point, because the US gov't will blow up financially at some point.
Lold when Deamon errr Dimon mistook $million for $billion and had no idea what was being said....
"Tell us about your $50 million stop"
"Ya, well that billion sto..."
"No, said $million"
"Huh?"
"MILLION!"
"Billion?"
"MILLION!!!!"
"Oh, billion"
"No, million"
"Sorry,I dont know what million is.....billion do know."
The moon hits the earth when silver goes to da moon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buy silver [literally] crash JPMorgan!
http://www.gold-silver.us/forum
The CIO is hedging that Moon trade right now and the losses are north of 10Billion with no one taking the other side.
That Moon thing is why he bet your deposits, but there was this other Moon that did what Jaime knew could not happen as well.
The House can now refer to such JPMChase reports as from Jaime Dimon, the Man on the Moon events.
SUPER GALAXY DAI-GURREN!!!!
how wonderful, always knew it goes like this:
mahatma gandhi, Mother Theresa, Jamie Dimon - the greatest friends of humanity
Well said...
JPMorgan Chase Gets $14 Billion Per Year In Government Subsidy: Study
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/19/jpmorgan-chase-government-subsidy_n_1608859.html?utm_hp_ref=business
That's in addition to the free money from the Fed
Dirk van Dijk, writing for the investor website Zacks.com, explains what a good deal this is for the banks:
“Keeping short-term rates low . . . is particularly helpful to the big banks like Bank of America (BAC) and JPMorgan (JPM). Their raw material is short-term money, which is effectively free right now. They can borrow at 0.25% or less, and then turn around and invest those funds in, say, a 5-year T-note at 2.50%, locking in an almost risk-free profit of 2.25%. On big enough sums of money, this can be very profitable, and will help to recapitalize the banking system (provided they don’t drain capital by paying it out in dividends or frittering it away in outrageous bonuses to their top executives).”
This can be very profitable indeed for the big Wall Street banks, but the purpose of the near-zero interest rates was supposed to be to get the banks to lend again. Instead, they are investing this virtually interest-free money in risk-free government bonds, on which we the taxpayers are paying 2.5% interest;
via http://www.webofdebt.com/articles/banks_near.php
+1.
WRT Dimon: "Gambling is not investing." But investing is putting capital at risk; intelligently we hope. So, let's admit that investing involves an element of gambling; unless the certainty of interest arbitrage is the essence of the bet; in that case it is simply self serving.
Umm, have the Tyler's brought up the fact that by disclosing this loss, JD is basically telling everyone to pile onto his position, while creating himself an opportunity to hedge the other way? I mean, really a $2b loss? Seriously?
Ah, RiskMetrics... the gift that keeps on taking.
"We only bought Bear's assets in a firesale while the Fed backstopped its liabilities, because the US government made us"
Is this an official admission from these cocksuckerz that the US government forced Bear Stearn's massive Silver short position on them??
You, Sir (please note capital 'S'), have correctly nailed the gaffe of the century. Now, will JD (and I don't mean the one from Scrubs) still be at JPMC at the end of the week?????
"We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans and widows"
Rallying cry of all public (and many private) thieves. "We do it for the kids."
Nuff said.
Yeah, think Sandusky used that line often "we do it all for the kids".
Did he bring any Spiderman towels?
"We have a closet full of models"
Enough said, full closets...
... I asumed he meant a closet full of dead super model skeletons ...
How can you tell?
"I came out of the closet centuries ago."
"We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans, and widows"
Please, tell me this is a joke. Even Lloyd "don't bother me, I'm busy doing God's work" Blankfein wouldn't be that audacious ...
If he had just kissed an infant on t.v. it would have made his statement even more believable.
Actions speak louder than words. If Jamie Dimon really meant it, he should definitely help out on the food drives and donation collections for all the old people he put out of their homes, the uneducated kids who dont have enough to pay for tuition and the many others who lost everything because of his and his brethren's actions on Wall Street.
Dimon and Blankenfein do not exist. THey're just imaginary financial Hilters who know how to vacuum the money out of a society going through a trade/investment deficit. i have no idea of what you're talking about. There are these old men on Wall Street in NYC who will make you blind for three days if you look at them.
Good Lord, did he really mention Widows and Orphans?
*GAG*
And don't forget the veterans and retirees as well.
It was The Full Monty.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119164/
He's saving cripples and autistic kids for the next round.
Yes my little pig droppings.
"We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans and widows"
What about the cripples and gimps?
Hey, that's hitting close to home!
Well, at least he did leave out illegals, bath salt addicts, pedophiles, & axe murderers 4 now.
"It's the Hard Knock Life for us...."
(Love, Miss Hannigan's orphans)
Moon is falling!
I enjoy my insanity first thing in the morning, right before I hop on my unicorn and fly to my productive green energy job in never-never land.
Where's the MF Global money, Jamie?
Any of our Congresscritters think to ask him that?
It was used to payoff the courrpt politicians who questioned him.
No, fuck YOU.
"who's in Your wallet?"
What was in your wallet?
"We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans and widows"
------ "You have to have a pair to win. Here's 1 card for you and 51 cards for me...." ----Jamie Dimon
Did he mention when i get my free Waffle iron? Ive been wating 2 weeks now. I need to talk to his supervisor
If I read the testimony correctly then according to Fuld (er I mean Dimon sorry ha ha) -- Lehman (oh snap, I meant JPM) has never been in better shape.
Smarmy fucker. Okay I'm calling it: JPM trades under $5 before August. Of 2012.
Now I have to worry about the moon crashing into the earth?
Moonstruck, the Sequel
Will Smith and Bruce Willis are suiting up right now to deflect the moon -- and if we're lucky, Cher -- out of our solar system ...
You're gonna need more than a tinfoil hat...
He specifically said "a moon" not "the Moon". A moon from any other planet also works, we seem to be not noticing his precision. It depends what "a" is.
Instead of CDS i trade CFD
Crash fuckers! Crash and burn! And all yours short silver bets!
I am still waiting for my Spiderman towels from JPM.
He wrapped himself in the flag - "We put America first." That's a sure sign that he was lying.
Funny thing is I doubt that even a single sentient being in the entire universe believes even one thing he says on any topic ever.
But this whole thing was about visuals. Did he wear those cufflinks with the Presidential Seal on them?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, then icons and symbols are worth a thousand pictures.
Look around you folks. You are surrounded by slave meme reinforcing symbols and icons. They are everywhere.
Be an iconoclast and destroy the images and symbols.
"Signs and symbols rule the world, not words nor laws." ~ Confucius
http://vigilantcitizen.com/
Insure the house+burn the house= PROFIT!!
How can you guys focus on what JD said instead of the shit flying out of the pols mouthes - particularly the semen drenched idiocy flowing from Barney Franks mouth (or was it his ass. Hes so ugly who can tell. And both are full of semen and bullshit).
JPM, aka, The Widows and Crippled Children's Charity Fund
Do they still qualify for all that Free Money from the Fed window with this change in status?
The baby mommas! Like Bristol Palin. Don't forget them too.
They still qualify because they're bank holding companies and they get a taxbreak for exploiting Widows and crippled children's charity fund.
http://seekingalpha.com/article/451121-wall-street-confidence-trick-the-interest-rate-swaps-that-are-bankrupting-local-governments#comment_update_link
Don't feel bad, our boomer voting majority really believed him when John Lennon convinced people that he was a non-materalistic beatnik (in reality he was a patronizing RICH wife beating person)... our voting majority will believe anything.
I think the Libertarians get this too well. And I mean ANYTHING. THey still think that God took the word "Gullible" out of the dictionary, they and their socialist Law Students are still looking for it.
The boomer voting majority would actually believe Dimon over the stiffed and homeless widows, vets and crippled children right in front of them.
Earth struck by the moon. Now THAT'S a foundation we can build upon. Price discovery bichez!
m-o-o-n spells "moon" now kiss my ass mutha fuggas!
He didn't say "is not at risk of failing unless the earth is hit by the moon". Duffy asked: "Do you think JPM could lose half a trillion or even a trillion dollars?"
To which Dimon responded: "Not unless the moon hits the earth."
does he offer a cds for that?
http://www.nakedcapitalism.com/2012/06/page/2
.
http://www.nakedcapitalism.com/2012/06/amar-bhide-dimon-should-lose-his-...
.
another opinion.
Then its for sure. I go pack.
"Not unless the moon hits the earth"
I don't expect the moon to hit the earth... but much smaller phenomena have broughted down demigods such as Mr. Dimon. What hubris. I hope he is right and doesn't ever need to eat those words.
May the fleas of one thousand camels infest his armpits and groin.
mr dimonpunk is so full of himself....the losses which his bank will endure will be no match for loan loss releases....jpm is a financial soap opera and it will see red for a long time to come thanks to its conspiracy with the treasury and congress to screw with interest rates....can you say interest rate swap implosion? i knew you could......
and mr dimon, go fuck yourself you pompous ass.
Was that Maxine Waters "grilling" Mr. Dimon?
Does she even know what COLLATERAL is?
http://seekingalpha.com/article/451121-wall-street-confidence-trick-the-interest-rate-swaps-that-are-bankrupting-local-governments#comment_update_link
After the Rodney King riots, I strongly believe that anything that is pulled out with a race card is automatically "special" and not worthy of judging the worst criminals in the history of the world.
What are they gonna say? "Yo Dawg, you got my welfare check! I'll cap yo' @$$"
They should've just sacrificed his ass to the Chinese Gods of flogging in Singapore in exchage for our loans outstanding with them. It would've been much more affordable than these, um bailouts.
Stupid boomer voting majority. STUPID!
but investing is gambling. gambling supposes you have no choice in the outcome of the game; like a slot machine for instance, or a 401K. (i mean you can choose your casino) gambling supposes a risk, when there is NO RISK you have a sure thing (kinda like no we can't lose unless the moon hits the earth because the game is rigged, we are backstopped by the government, who also tells us what to do) but as every gambler (and every con man knows)
there is no better mark than someone who doesn't believe in gambling, because only someone who believes there can be no risk (someone either religiiously or ethically disposed to avoid gambling) who BELIEVES IN A SURE THING. the gambler knows better. by example the great American Musical, The Music Man, where a con-man works the hicks, (while the hicks grow corn which is a huge gamble, but try and tell them that) because they don't believe in gambling, and knowing that the conman knows they are more easily convinced that he is selling a sure thing.
the con man wants us to accept his motto, there is gambling going on here!! you are being swindled!! hahahaha
You, Sir (please note capital 'S'), have correctly nailed the gaffe of the century. Now, will JD (and I don't mean the one from Scrubs) still be at JPMC at the end of the week?????
Day after day I continue to be amazed at how well informed & intelligent my fellow ZH users are. I am a 99%er Manufacturing Engineer by trade. MY small town Midwestern opinion is that Mr Dimon came across as being very arrogant! I was not impressed.
Mr Dimon and others like him want us all to believe that true value can be found in little bits of paper, when in fact it is found in the labor of people like yourself.
"Gambling is not investing." Quite right, and since investing is no longer possible (markets are currently managed to prevent price discovery), we'll gamble instead. But don't worry about risk. We'll buy insurance, in the form of congressional campaign contributions.
What about the quote where Dimon said how "great" our markets are?
Sure are, when they are rigged for you asshole.
The rest of us, not so much.
I would have wished a different script.
Dimon: Do you expect me to talk?"
"No, Mr.Dimon...I expect you to DIE."
meh... I pooped today, now I can have Dinner with Barack.
"JPM is not too big to fail, but it is not at risk of failing unless the earth is hit by the moon" "We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans and widows" "We only bought Bear's assets in a firesale while the Fed backstopped its liabilities, because the US government made us" "VaR can be made to show anything. We have a closet full of models" "Gambling is not investing"
Oh yeah, and we are doing God Work as expressed by that Masonic reference to widows and ophans -- whom we really don't give a flying fuck about.