This page has been archived and commenting is disabled.

Why What Jamie Dimon Doesn’t Know Is Plain Scary

Tyler Durden's picture


Bloomberg's Jonathan Weil rips the lies emanating from Jamie's mouth, a new one.

What Jamie Dimon Doesn’t Know Is Plain Scary

Could Jamie Dimon really be as clueless as he sounded on the phone yesterday?

Last month, after Bloomberg News broke the story that JPMorgan Chase & Co. (JPM)’s chief investment office had, in essence, become a ticking time bomb, Dimon, the bank’s chief executive officer, called the press coverage “a complete tempest in a teapot.” That explanation no longer works.

Yesterday, Dimon changed tacks. Losses on the investment office’s “synthetic credit portfolio” had reached $2 billion so far this quarter, though he refused to give any meaningful details on how that had happened. Presumably, these are derivatives of some sort, but even that basic fact was too much for the bank to specify.

What Dimon lacked in information, he more than made up for in assigning blame -- to himself and JPMorgan employees. “There are many errors, sloppiness and bad judgment,” he said, as JPMorgan’s stock sank in after-hours trading. “These were egregious mistakes. They were self-inflicted.” He called himself and his colleagues “stupid.”

But there is more to it than that. Either Dimon misled the public about the gravity of the festering trades during his company’s first-quarter earnings call last month. Or he didn’t know what was happening inside the bowels of his own company. History tells us the latter is the norm for Wall Street bosses, though it’s hard to say which is worse.

New Rule

Don’t bother asking JPMorgan how it accumulated all these losses. That information is proprietary, as if the taxpayers who bailed out the bank in 2008 don’t have any business knowing. Here’s an idea for a new rule: If a too-big-to-fail bank can’t disclose what its trading desk is doing for fear of blowing itself up, then the bank shouldn’t be allowed to do it.

It’s not often that a huge company calls an emergency teleconference on short notice to discuss an intra-quarter trading loss that’s equivalent to only 1 percent of shareholder equity. So when a Deutsche Bank AG stock analyst named Matt O’Connor asked Dimon why the company had disclosed it at all, the answer was bound to be revealing.

“It could get worse, and it’s going to go on for a little bit unfortunately,” Dimon replied. The meaning was clear. Worse could mean disastrous.

Continue reading here


- advertisements -

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:41 | 2417314 HarryM
HarryM's picture

JPM Fallout will hit Monday - today market being heavily supported to avoid panic

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:49 | 2417361 walküre
walküre's picture

Last two days we faded into close when "selling into strength" gained momentum. I'd be surprised to see anything different today.

The cabal has a whole weekend to rummage through Bruno's desk and get to the bottom of his trading Iksils.

The opposite of "I am skilled" or I-Skill is I-Ksils.


Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:55 | 2417386 Fukushima Sam
Fukushima Sam's picture

I've never known of a CEO of a company larger than about 300 people who knew what was really going on in the bowels of his/her own company.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:18 | 2417476 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

CIO is more like the heart though. The shit emanates on the investor "services" side.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:35 | 2417540 boogerbently
boogerbently's picture

The amount of $$$ they are paying themselves in salary/benefits/bonuses, you'd think they know EVERYTHING....or at least be RESPONSIBLE for everything.

What do you want to bet (later) he gets a FAT bonus for this years performance!

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:36 | 2417544 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

His real speech:

I live in a culture where winning at any cost is the norm. You do too. My colleagues and I have finally pushed the boundaries of theft and subterfuge to the point that some of us need to start pretending to come clean about it. So pretend we will.

Our crimes are far worse than just theft. The whole story of the financial system itself is falling apart. When you finally know and understand what we have been doing all along, you will want to tear out our bowels, loop them around your bumpers, and drag us through the streets as we scream in agony. You will be right to do so. But acknowledge this, you too wanted something for nothing; your greed and selfishness made our crimes possible. 

What needs to be torn apart and rendered asunder is our culture itself, our value system. We are not our bank accounts, our houses, our jewelry, our clothes, or our cars. We eat, drink, and dope too much to anesthetize the pain of living lives that lack meaning and joy. We merely preyed upon your weaknesses in order to feed our own.  

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:12 | 2417659 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



I don't know what Jamie knows, but I do know he has his head up his bowels.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:29 | 2417727 macktheknife
macktheknife's picture

MsCreant,  us ZeroHedgers have been watching this greed, as a band of loosely-knit  and too well-educated distant observers.  Your nicely written comment above is beginning to evolve to violence - although you speak the violence tangentially thru Dimon's own voice.   A few years ago, you wouldn't have even mentioned violence at all.   I see that as a change in you - and how many other ZHers? 

You speak of an almost Biblical need for our culture to be torn apart, and out of the ashes rises values and actions that have been learned thru violence and desperation -  the Cambodians on after walking out of YEAR ZERO.

What I want to see is a hundred thousand men - and myself as one - all carbon copies of Robert De Niro in  The DeerHunter, meeting up with their hundred thousand GI Janes, just back from Libya and Sudan - and these troops driving East, Slouching Towards Washington to be born. 

In a matter of time, this will look like the first days when the Khmer Rouge soldier boys straggled into Phnom Pen, and Duc was documenting the crimes, and the innocents and the guilty were bleeding out on the cement floors of the former middle school.   

Now, you can go to Cambodia, and watch them make beautiful exquisite silk sheets - watch the whole process of the silk worms producing, the weaving, and watch the cloth being died in the bloodiest red die in buckets.

Humans - I woud say it is almost predetermined in some undiscovered quantum of our DNA - we need orgies of violence every so often, to keep us healthy and fit.    Our liberal modern education, and comfort shun these purges as being Barbaric (like Gold)- but they serve a purpose.    Embrace the violence as health- as a cultures childbirth, and close your eyes, and recall the Russian Roulette Scene in The DeerHunter: we are getting closer to that, and way away from Mr Smith Goes To Washington.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:43 | 2417775 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

show dem 'pearly whites'

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 13:26 | 2417942 Bindar Dundat
Bindar Dundat's picture

If only they had listened better in Sunday School...

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 14:07 | 2418082 robertocarlos
robertocarlos's picture

Taking everyone's wealth away will be violence enough.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 22:26 | 2419237 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Even for the age of kali yuga, ALL things MUST PASS!

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:49 | 2417364 DeadFred
DeadFred's picture

It's depressing to see the market soar on how confident we were when the algos drove the DOW to new highs. Cheer us up Tyler and post some good worst case scenarios. Just how bad can it get for them once the sharks smell the blood in the water?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:52 | 2417369 HarryM
HarryM's picture

On the surface it's just a few billion - shoe shine money , so no panic yet.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:53 | 2417379 Hugh_Jorgan
Hugh_Jorgan's picture

Something big must be afoot for them to reveal anything at all. The questions is, what else remains unexposed?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:56 | 2417839 Catch-22
Catch-22's picture

...more today after the close and a solution (read; spin) by Sunday open...

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 14:27 | 2418119 Tim White
Tim White's picture

Blythe's naked bod needs to be exposed...the rest will fall on the taxpayers, like always!

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 22:27 | 2419248 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Again I must ask:  Was it $2Billion in FRNs, or Tonnes of Au?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:02 | 2417411 CPL
CPL's picture

It's 2 billion leveraged 100 times.


200 billion is what they are owing, 2 billion loss on borrowed money on a company with a market cap of 146 billion.


Good luck with whatever math you are doing.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:08 | 2417444 HarryM
HarryM's picture

Agreed - "On the surface 2 billion is tit"  - the true fallout is down the road - could be the first real tremor


Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:24 | 2417493 Zero Govt
Zero Govt's picture

MF Global was the 1st tremor... we've yet to hear from the/any counterparties caught up in this JP Morgan trading fuck-up

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:47 | 2417797 Levadiakos
Levadiakos's picture

Some guy named Paulson structurd the trade for them

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:25 | 2417667 pkea
pkea's picture

whatever the leverage is it is at least 1;25 which still makes it sizeable 50B, but still not big enough to make them go away. the world needs to get off the oil and chemicals in order for them to go away for good which as likely as the end of the world at the moment

wouldn't it be fun if the bundesbank and paribas of the world with the ecb blessing maybe some scandinavians  just give them a tiny push. it would be so much fun:)

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 13:00 | 2417851 BudFox2012
BudFox2012's picture

If not more.  160 billion in "assets", 80 Trillion in derivatives would be 500:1 (if any of those numbers is actually accurate).  Anyway you look at it, could be a lot deeper than 2 billion

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 15:02 | 2418223 walküre
walküre's picture

JPM market cap 140 billion and dropping.


SELL SELL SELL get me out of here!

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:50 | 2417367 vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

JPM has given the markets a nice mini-rally today. All is in the green. See how well this always works out!

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:36 | 2417545 boogerbently
boogerbently's picture


let's hope for more bad news, my portfolio needs a boost.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:53 | 2417374 CPL
CPL's picture



There's no volume, because there are no buyers except HFT/ALgo Boxes.  If you, as in you personally, took a hundred grand today, you could be the market volume.


That's how bad it is.  Go look on your trade platform.  Pure sell side...not one single buyer to be found.


But because the markets aren't allowed to be shorted or fall, the ALGO's will now run the market up to when the QE money runs out.  Then it'll be frozen and they can ship it to the smithsonian and show off the market nobody trades in but has all that liquidity trapped in it.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:29 | 2417508 pkea
pkea's picture

nice explanation cpl for non players but curious about it how the " market" works:) really only the ecb can kill this insanity and the beast in the US is pissed off.... ha

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:05 | 2417630 J 457
J 457's picture

"That's how bad it is. Go look on your trade platform. Pure sell side...not one single buyer to be found."

That's a big stretch stating no buyers.  There are always buyers.  ALWAYS. 

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 14:53 | 2418197 CPL
CPL's picture

It's not the fact a store exists.


Or the fact a store has a location.


Or even if the store has an owner.


Having a customer to actually buy something is more important.  That's the market.  It's a giant walmart, full to the brim with items nobody wants and only secret robo shoppers floating around picking things up and putting them down repeatedly to make it appear there is some action in the store.


That's it.  That's all.  No real customers shop at that mythical walmart.  Just robo's and house detectives pretending like they are showing up to work for something to happen.


Pathetic, sad and pointless describes "capitalism" now.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:55 | 2417381 Hippocratic Oaf
Hippocratic Oaf's picture

"today market being heavily supported to avoid panic"


While true, do I up-tick you or down-tick.......I'm so confused?!?!?!?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:03 | 2417423 CPL
CPL's picture

uptick with a twist of lime.


Who knows anymore and honestly nobody should care.  Stick a fork in it it's done.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:34 | 2417500 Zero Govt
Zero Govt's picture

will a pitchfork do?

Sat, 05/12/2012 - 19:21 | 2420390 Debt-Is-Not-Money
Debt-Is-Not-Money's picture

A five-tine manure fork is more appropriate!

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:03 | 2417427 dereksatkinson
dereksatkinson's picture

When does JPM unwind their silver short?  That's what I want to know.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:10 | 2417449 HoofHearted
HoofHearted's picture

Come on, Blythe was on the MSM telling us they don't take prop bets but that they were only hedging their book to keep it flat. WE always can believe those nice people at JPM...people like Blythe and Jamie Dimon...oh shit. Nevermind...glad I'm long the physical stuff.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:30 | 2417509 Zero Govt
Zero Govt's picture

JPM can't unwind their Silver position

just as the US Govt couldn't let Morgan go down because they are a Primary Dealer and raise all the debt for the credit card spending junkies in DC the Fed needs Morgan in the metals market to rig the prices

everything you ever heard about conflicts of interest is there by the oil tanker load at the very heart of the rotten machinary of Govt

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:24 | 2417485 pkea
pkea's picture

finally, their anti european position got revealed to the public that anyone who gets anything should have known all along and chases's size is playing against them, hopefully draghi and weidman will be able to cause even more damage. the delay may drag until this fall. this is the best scenario for games. it was one of the best days,

cheers to the ecb and the europe...

who is dimon kidding, he didn't know(come on people). of course he knew if not originated this hedge to begin with

i all of the sudden may stop being agnostic, to find, reveal and exploit their weakness is a long awaited gift. i really thought they are smarter than what happened,,,maybe "god" does exist after all:)

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:33 | 2417532 GeneMarchbanks
GeneMarchbanks's picture

Interesting take albeit a speculation; I doubt this was something inherited over from the Global Motherfuckers.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:33 | 2417533 Whatta
Whatta's picture

Anyone buying PM's today?

Gold is looking cheaper, and better, by the day.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:08 | 2417641 SRSrocco
SRSrocco's picture


The RULE OF THUMB is... the longer the LIES go on and the more the BANKING SYSTEM is propped up, the FASTER WE FALL OFF THE CLIFF.  I am simply amazed at the lack of understanding of just how horrible the situation has become in the banking system.

Almost 4 years later since the system almost died, and its even worse.  Any clowns that think gold and silver aren't the best SAFE HAVENS, need to check themselves into the nearest clinic and get a BRAINSCAN or MRI.

Sat, 05/12/2012 - 10:31 | 2419697 monoloco
monoloco's picture

Yeah, Damage control is in full press mode, I listened to Bloomberg radio at work, they had one Jamie Dimon apologist/sycophant after another on all day long minimizing the whole mess.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:42 | 2417315 Chaffinch
Chaffinch's picture

It was the same story when the Nick Leeson scandal broke - his bosses didn't have a clue.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:50 | 2417362 silver500
silver500's picture

Of course they know:
1. Iksell reports directly to Ina who reports directly to Dimon

2. This was reported not just on ZH but on Bloomberg months ago

3. Counterparties were angry about the manipulation and complained to the media, dont you think they would complain to JPM exectutives?

4. The nominal size of the transaction is material to JPM

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:05 | 2417428 haskelslocal
haskelslocal's picture

Yep. Let's just give them 95% knowing. 5% they "don't know". And this 5% is purposeful insulation from the things that if they knew, then they'd have to say NO to it, which means by not knowing they know it! 

(Like when a cop knows his buddy smokes pot, so he just says, "don't tell me and don't do it in front of me so I don't know....Means he knows.)

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:52 | 2417375 TrulyStupid
TrulyStupid's picture

The bosses deliberately insulate themselves from their traders in a preemptive effort of buck passing - plausible deniability of responsibility when things go south. They take responsibility for trading outcomes come bonus time. The sheeple continue to be disinterested.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:35 | 2417538 earnyermoney
earnyermoney's picture

buck passing, plausible deniability of responsibility when things go south. I'm still waiting for a prosecuter to file charges under Sarbanes-Ox. That law was supposed to prevent the buck passing and plausible deniability.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:56 | 2417392 Chaffinch
Chaffinch's picture

Incidentally if you google Nick Leeson he's had quite an interesting life since then.
They let Barings fail. He got scapegoated. Just start letting the damned banks fail! They add nothing - they take everything.
All I want a bank to do is boring old fashioned high street stuff. None of this derivative shit.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:45 | 2417317 CvlDobd
CvlDobd's picture

I made this point in another thread, fits here. If those operating on inside knowledge and fed ownership can fuck it up this bad what hope do us underlings have?

Entire night of weakness erased in 40 minutes. Look at a 1 minute chart. ES plunges at 4:30, surges at 9:30. Bullshit. Damn lies.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:45 | 2417341 Quintus
Quintus's picture

The difference is that those traders get paid if their gambling pays off, but don't suffer the losses if they don't.  Therefore they are incentivised to take excessive risk.

Even if they bring the whole company down, Uncle Bernanke is there with his printing press at the ready to make it all better again.  

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:49 | 2417357 CvlDobd
CvlDobd's picture

You can't stop progress!

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:56 | 2417397 HarryM
HarryM's picture

Once in a while I watch Bull Riding on TV - none of the riders try to steer the bull - they stay loose and hang on.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:10 | 2417453 CvlDobd
CvlDobd's picture

It isn't a real bull now. It's robotic and is ruled with an iron fist by its owners.

Or so I thought, this glitch in the matrix is some sort of false flag to make us think everyone makes mistakes, even the big boys. Or the markets are so far gone that there is no hope.

I'm slowly learning to accept my nihilistic tendencies. None of this matters. It's all meaningless. As Keynes said, "In the long run, we're all dead."

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:28 | 2417505 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Love is eternal.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:36 | 2417550 Hi Ho Silver
Hi Ho Silver's picture

Until it's not.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:39 | 2417566 CvlDobd
CvlDobd's picture

It's a chemical reaction that dies with the brain. If it's eternal then so are hate, jealousy, lust, and anger.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:00 | 2417617 skepticCarl
skepticCarl's picture

Civil Diso, you're not a poet in real life, are you.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:10 | 2417646 CvlDobd
CvlDobd's picture

Not exactly.

I have a handful of unresolved issues from my past (who doesn't) and was seeing a therapist for $60 a session. I then realized that open mic stand up was free and if I could get a few bookings they would pay me! Getting paid to bitch about my problems. Not a bad deal.

These markets have been a great source of new material. Boiling down things to their core (bullshit) has been remarkably easy.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:06 | 2417637 pkea
pkea's picture

if nothing changes by the end of 2012, the markets are gone, there is a tiny hope though that something may change this fall....if not, it's gone forever:).

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:44 | 2417320 Raynja
Raynja's picture

Complicit or complacent, it doesn't fuckin matter.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:00 | 2417405 haskelslocal
haskelslocal's picture

With a little polish, you've just nailed the tag line. I like it as is but seems every time I say FUCK people run for cover and hide under fear rules and inappropriate language clauses. (Pussies).

What you've said should be a mantra. Because we know they know yet if they claim they don't, they're ducking responsibility.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:44 | 2417328 I Am Not a Copp...
I Am Not a Copper Top's picture

Straight to the moon motherfuckers!  Motherfucker!!!!

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:44 | 2417329 DRT RD
DRT RD's picture

Damn it Son!

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:45 | 2417332 AldoHux_IV
AldoHux_IV's picture

Yet the fed whined that they needed more power in order to properly regulate these institutions and here we have Bernank talking about the healthy balance sheets of banks the same day.

There's more to the story, but as long as Dimon unloads on a "counter trend Friday" then all is rainbow colored unicorns.

Where's Ron Paul right now talking about how the fed missed this big regulatory opportunity?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:45 | 2417333 Zola
Zola's picture

As long as the FED has the back of these clowns, none of this matters, they may as well put on the most idiotic bets, they will never go under.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:30 | 2417519 Al Huxley
Al Huxley's picture

They ARE the FED, so yes, they're covered.  I'm surprised they've even taken the hit they did (unless they front-ran it - oops just caught myself - of course they front-ran it).

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:44 | 2417337 piliage
piliage's picture

The DAX should be doing a swan dive. Why the hell did it just jump 1%????!!!?!?!?!?

Who is playing games?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:54 | 2417384 walküre
walküre's picture

Someone lit a rocket.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:16 | 2417469 CvlDobd
CvlDobd's picture

Operation Boilermaker.

He claims they use ICBM, none of that Estes bullshit.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:11 | 2417650 flyingpigg
flyingpigg's picture

The DAX should be doing a swan dive. Why the hell did it just jump 1%?

To shake out the uncivilized people who dared to short the DAX. Margin call Muppetz!

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:45 | 2417339 Bill D. Cat
Bill D. Cat's picture

Good time for Moody's to drop the bomb on the rest of these assholes .

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:51 | 2417363 Chaffinch
Chaffinch's picture

Bill - I'm just concerned for your health - has it gone down yet?

; )

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:56 | 2417398 Bill D. Cat
Bill D. Cat's picture

Schaudenboner still fully erect .

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:03 | 2417414 Chaffinch
Chaffinch's picture

Nobody called 911 for you, huh? You could try a cold shower, perhaps, or googling Federal Reserve...?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:39 | 2417563 Al Huxley
Al Huxley's picture

Watch that last interview of Blythe Masters on CNBC maybe?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:45 | 2417783 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

I 'butt dialed' 911... The deed is done...

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:47 | 2417344 Soda Popinski
Soda Popinski's picture

What do you expect?  The only way JPM knows how to make a profit is from TARP and shorting silver.  Dimon should go hang himself.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:47 | 2417345 sumo
sumo's picture

Nice observation here:

"There is a tantalizing clue in this language. Read the statement carefully and you can see this wasn’t a bona fide hedge. That means it probably was no different, in substance, than a speculative wager. The definition of an “economic hedge,” literally, is an investment that doesn’t qualify for hedge accounting, meaning its effectiveness at offsetting a given risk isn’t sufficiently reliable. Otherwise the wiggle word “economic” wouldn’t be needed. It’s also conceivable that Dimon didn’t understand the details of the trades, and simply declined to discuss them rather than admit this."

What's going on at Bloomberg? This is the sort of sharp-edged analysis I expect on ZH, not an MSM organ (your choice of organ). Strange times indeed.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:47 | 2417346 the not so migh...
the not so mighty maximiza's picture

national securty requires markets be green.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:48 | 2417348 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

100% regulation or  100% transparent mother fuckers, take your pick.  Can't have it both ways.  If what the Fed has done isn't treasonous then why can't the taxpayer get a complete audit?

If people want you to invest, but won't give you the details, chances are that it isn't a good thing.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 22:38 | 2419275 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Next you'll be wantin' the recipe for Soylent Green!

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:49 | 2417351 firstdivision
firstdivision's picture

Fed hitting every ask out there in equities, the BIS double downing on long EUR.  What a total farce of a market.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:03 | 2417425 DeadFred
DeadFred's picture

Give it some time. I think today will be the end of the AM dip and PM ramp. The switch is toggled in the other direction. Sell in May is still in effect so they don't get to ramp both halves.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:48 | 2417354 ziggy59
ziggy59's picture

No one is this stupid. He, Corzine, and the rest of them are pathological liars. They make their fortunes lying

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:51 | 2417355 semperfi
semperfi's picture

Betting against Vegas, Devil, JPM is a fool's bet.  Vegas, Devil, JPM are all still there and always will be.   160 billion market cap?  Hahahaha!  Good one.  Real market cap = INFINITY via Uncle Bennie's back door CTRL-P facility.  Jamie D  a dupe?  Hahahaha!!!  You're killing me!!!  The dupes are those suckered into The Grand Master's paper lair.   Gold & Guns.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:51 | 2417365 adr
adr's picture

The panicked calls to the Fed last night has caused the most unprecedented run for cover in the history of the market. Under any circumstance the next Bear Stearns must never see the light of day. Whatever happened hundreds of billions were sent directly into the accounts of the big banks to buy up the stock market this morning. With no retail traders left it is easy to fake a rally. Reuters is in on it and was told to fake a report that could give the market cover to hide the JP Morgan problem.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:12 | 2417458 semperfi
semperfi's picture

Obama's Energy Policy Lowers Gasoline 20 Cents YOY - Markets Respond Positively - Reuters.

Markets responded positively this morning with a jump up on lowered inflation expectations due to lower YOY gasoline prices.  Traders snapped up shares across the board in response expecting all sectors to benefit from the reduced cost of energy.  Consumer sentiment also rose in likewise manner. 

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:52 | 2417370 LULZBank
LULZBank's picture

A good time for Jamie and Blythe to release a sex tape to divert attention and get their popularity ratings high. Works for celebs.

Pay per view and it can even cover their losses.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 14:22 | 2418110 semperfi
semperfi's picture

Since Blythe has a wanker under that dress, who is going to be poking who ?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:52 | 2417373 Hedgetard55
Hedgetard55's picture

Incompetent AND a liar, a great combo.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:54 | 2417378 crawl
crawl's picture

After witnessing the work of 33 Liberty Street this morning, I have doubts about JPM and Dimon being upfront with clarity and full disclosure.

Trial lawyers will no doubt be enriched from the announcement of losses previously kept secret.

As for Dimon, when the dust settles, it would not be a shock to read the board gave him a massive bonus for saving the bank from a worse outcome.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:54 | 2417382 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

As Leslie replied, Jamie Dimon made $100 million in bonuses working from his basement losing money for his shareholders.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:55 | 2417388 pissing_excellence
pissing_excellence's picture

Speak to him as you would a golden retriever.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:55 | 2417393 i love cholas
i love cholas's picture

I have a stupid question. How the hell are they going to unload these positions?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:59 | 2417403 piliage
piliage's picture

Wait for QE3 to boost the market, and woosh, no more loss. Clean new money smell...

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:43 | 2417577 The Swedish Chef
The Swedish Chef's picture

Or QE is the Fed buying what ever crap derivative they made the losses on...


If JP Morgan has bought so much toxic paper that it can roil the market, that means that there are other people with the same crap position that are equaly or worse off. 


We just took a giant leap towards QE me thinks.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:05 | 2417429 hack3434
hack3434's picture

Easy...LSAP of IG9

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:56 | 2417399 Cindy_Dies_In_T...
Cindy_Dies_In_The_End's picture

Silly people,


You ASSUME Ben can or will bail JPM out. Not so. Lots of reasons why that won't happen.


JPM is having its cage rattled for a reason. The fun story is who is in on the copy cat trade and can they take the heat as long as JPM can? You can't tell me that others aren't doing the same as JPM. I wonder who that be?


You can't always frak with the Infinite.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:49 | 2417588 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

you are correct ......i have seen a whale at the racetrack who a bunch of guys like to follow and he lets them as he likes the attention .....well when all is going good , everyone is cocky however when things go bad, the low men on totem pole always get wiped out and he is able to sustain and get thru to the other side and make the losses up......all the other guys are busted out and miss on the next hot streak.....seen it happen way too many times !

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:56 | 2417400 falak pema
falak pema's picture

in the harem, the women danced the dance of seven veils to crescendo nakedness...olé!

In the WS harem, the Oligarchs lead, and dance themselves to dire, clueless emperor's nakedness all over the public place; holy cow! 

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 10:58 | 2417402 Monedas
Monedas's picture

Barney Frank would love to get inside Jamie Dimon's "Bowels" with his congressional probe !   Gordon Brown would love to pick Rebekah Brook's nose !  That's just the way it is !     Monedas    1929     Comedy Jihad Think Like A Liberal

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:01 | 2417412 tony bonn
tony bonn's picture

clueless idiocy is sufficient grounds for termination.....terminate dimon...

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:06 | 2417434 i love cholas
i love cholas's picture

There are others out there and I believe JPM are getting out of shit-storm-dodge before others are revealed and it's too late to liquidate positions.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:09 | 2417446 haskelslocal
haskelslocal's picture

Who's the counter party?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:10 | 2417455 i love cholas
i love cholas's picture


Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:14 | 2417464 SilverTard
SilverTard's picture

So it begins.  Watch Monday.


Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:16 | 2417465 nomorebuyins
nomorebuyins's picture

What time does the "smart money" enter the markets today?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:16 | 2417471 GS-DickinDaMuppets
GS-DickinDaMuppets's picture

Chill out folks !!  What's 2 Billion down the tubes when the cesspool of Derivative Debt is about 700 Trillion ....Go get some beer and cheetos for snackin' on Monday night while you watch "Dancing for Dollars"  or is that DWTS...


...doing GOD's work...GS-DickinDaMuppets

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:19 | 2417475 jimcg
jimcg's picture

The Anglo/American central banks and national treasuries have already had 3 1/2 years to perfect their market manipulation strategies, they've gotten extremely proficient at it by now. It will take an extremely major calamity to permanently alter the market's contrived upward momentum. IMO.


Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:21 | 2417489 Sandmann
Sandmann's picture

Why would I expect Jamie Dimon to know what is going on ? His job is to smooch Obama and Geithner and keep Capitol Hill onside. It is election year and he needs to grease palms. He is not going to check trading positions daily let alone hourly - which CEO in any bank worldwide does ?

Eric Rosenfeld was an Instructor in Finance  at Harvard Business School in 1982 , an MIT grad. Very smart. Much smarter than Jamie Dimon who was at HBS at the same time.

Eric was a founder of Long-Term Capital Management and knew more about their trading than Jamie Dimon knows about JPM trading. So what did happen to LTCM  ?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:26 | 2417499 tradewithdave
tradewithdave's picture

Or it was a brilliantly executed p/r move worthy of the Van Praag laptop found missing in a garbage room.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:29 | 2417516 HANKREARDON

Witness the Jamie Dimon real-time interview for US Treasury Secretary.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:35 | 2417539 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

Jamie gets paid for looking good and he looks "Maaarvelllous".  No need to panic, duct tape and bailing wire are being applied this very moment.  It will take more than this to tip the apple cart........


Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:43 | 2417574 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

that was Dick Fulds downfall

Sun, 05/13/2012 - 12:35 | 2421305 Debt-Is-Not-Money
Debt-Is-Not-Money's picture

"that was Dick Fulds downfall"

Literally- Wasn't he coldcocked at the gym afterwards and put on his ass?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:37 | 2417547 HANKREARDON

Honest Dimon: 'we are brainstorming ways right now to sell these great investments to our clients.'  


Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:42 | 2417572 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

sounds like Jeremy Irons, in Margin Call

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:37 | 2417551 neutrinoman
neutrinoman's picture

The answer is, of course, Dimon didn't know. Like all the big banks, JPM is too big to manage. These are leverage- and liquidity-bloated Godzillas.

Regulation is probably heading toward ending most of the pseudo-hedging (in reality, leveraged speculation) at US commercial banks, shrinking their balance sheets, earnings, and work forces. But the system will be more stable and less likely to require public support as a result. Best would be a return to Glass-Steagall, or something like it. Speculative stuff will go where it belongs, and everyone involved in it will be left on their own responsibility, without mixing up such activities with humdrum, everyday banking. But we have to face the reality that there will be less credit available for all, for households, businesses, and governments. This is why governments and central banks allowed and pushed these crazy practices in the first place, to inflate available credit. Bankers have been both beneficiaries and victims of this insanity, but not innocent victims -- like reckless drivers with lazy policemen looking the other way, they're complicit in their own victimization.

The scary part is that JPM, with GS, is the best-managed mega-bank. What does that tell you about the rest of the big banks? Even scarier are the European banks, which are far more leveraged, and even deeper into pseudo-hedging, painting a rosy picture with small "net" exposures, rather than gross positions.

As Peter Tchir put it, banks are trading at or below "book value" for a reason: the stated book values are suspect at best. Just remember that when you next hear Dick Bove et al. bloviating about banks.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:37 | 2417557 knowshitsurelock
knowshitsurelock's picture

Awww, poor Wall Street having trouble scalping a buck off the QE fiat bailout money when there is no more retail investors to skin, or any real income from doing actual work?

That's too bad that the cronies on Wall Street will have to eat each other for lunch, with their program trading algorithms that go nowhere without an influx of more funny money.


Where's helicopter Ben when you need him?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:38 | 2417559 knowshitsurelock
knowshitsurelock's picture

Awww, poor Wall Street having trouble scalping a buck off the QE fiat bailout money when there is no more retail investors to skin, or any real income from doing actual work?

That's too bad that the cronies on Wall Street will have to eat each other for lunch, with their program trading algorithms that go nowhere without an influx of more funny money.


Where's helicopter Ben when you need him?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:40 | 2417564 TCass
TCass's picture

You are missing the point....JPM is massively short the market.  The market credit market has only rallied since December in all Credit Markets.

IG index 20bps tighter
HY index 65bps tighter

*****Be more concerned what Jamie knows and is not telling you.....they have $1T in assets, nothing good happens if you expect the market to melt down.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:42 | 2417571 XitSam
XitSam's picture

 Jonathan Weil: "Here’s an idea for a new rule: If a too-big-to-fail bank can’t disclose what its trading desk is doing for fear of blowing itself up, then the bank shouldn’t be allowed to do it."

Double freaking No! Regulation doesn't matter. TBTF should not exist! 

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:46 | 2417582 Cosimo de Medici
Cosimo de Medici's picture

$60 trillion in Gross Notional Derivatives at JPM.

Though Bruno and Achilles had been considered among JPMs most skilled traders, let's assume his other traders are equally skilled.

On the IG9 book, ostensibly a hedge, with a Gross Notional of $200 billion, they will drop north of $2 billion.  Cut them some slack and say it will top out at 1% (assuming the rest of the street doesn't charge them retail to wind down the trade).

What happens if, heaven forbid, they lose 1% on the total Gross Notional (supposedly hedged or netting out near zero) derivative book? Can't happen?  Jamie says so?  Is this any way for an institution to behave that holds $1.1 trillion of customer deposits, equal to about 9% of total US banking system deposits?  Didn't Mssrs Glass and Steagall believe that such recklessness was not in the interest of the nation's financial system?

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:51 | 2417584 Youri Carma
Youri Carma's picture

It’s like Hitler saying “I didn’t know that my soldiers invaded Russia” cause every trader on the block knew what was going on and even made up names for the trader like ‘whale’ and ‘Voldimort’.

Donnow about the American justice system cause they don’t seem to have one but in the Dutch Justice system the head of a company is responsible regardless if he knew it or not. If he didn’t knew it he suppose to have known about it as head of a company, simple as that. A judge can’t go into details about how somebody’s running his company that’s just ludricous but in the US this seems to be perfectly normal that you can put the blame on some lower minion.

My idea is that Americans don’t understand anything of the law system. They don’t even understand the principle of hierarchy of law like that a lower law never can put aside an higher law.

They got us by the balls yet “nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care”

Bloomberg News first reported April 5 that London-based trader Bruno Iksil had amassed positions linked to the financial health of corporations that were so large he was driving price moves in the $10 trillion market. After the Bloomberg report, Dimon on a conference call said the news coverage was “a complete tempest in a teapot .”

The losses disclosed today were “a little bit to do with the article in the press,” Dimon said, without specifying who in the bank oversaw the trades.

So in fact Dimon is blaming the press for his losses LOlz

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 11:51 | 2417593 knowshitsurelock
knowshitsurelock's picture

So, the trading desk says?  Hey, how do we move the market 2% in the direction of our trade and recover our losses from last week?  Let's go short our own stock and then put out a nasty news release, and we can pick up a couple billion on the move...

Na, that could never happen on Wall Street with the Fed's keeping such a keen  eye on what goes on down there.  ROFLMAO!

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:29 | 2417596 prains
prains's picture

Max Fischer we need your value added insight


sorry forgot my sarc for morts button in ON

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:33 | 2417745 loveyajimbo
loveyajimbo's picture

Do not worry!  Obama and the CFTC, with the genius Gensler, have our backs!!  They will have a comprehensive study done in 24 months, and then they will act decisively!!  Corzine and Paulson are on the committee... Madhoff was not available.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 13:14 | 2417894 XitSam
XitSam's picture

The timeline has now been pushed to 36 months. But don't worry, we'll get to the bottom of the bottomless pit of slime eventually.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:45 | 2417781 Todd Horlbeck
Todd Horlbeck's picture

Pretty scary conference call

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 12:46 | 2417789 Vince Clortho
Vince Clortho's picture

JPM and the Fed know who has their back.

There is no amount of debt the US Taxpayer cannot handle.

The CB boys have already shifted unfathomable debt to the Taxpayer, and they intend to do so with even greater vigor in the future.

It's a great "partnership".

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 13:19 | 2417920 agrotera
agrotera's picture

If our government wasn't captured by the agents of the privately owned Federal Reserve corp (primary dealers like JMP) woudn't Sarbanes-Oxley would allow for a criminal investigation of Jamie if it could happen with all our senators and elected officials being bought by his boss.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 14:10 | 2418091 robertocarlos
robertocarlos's picture

JPM could buy some lotto tickets, "praying for a miracle".

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 14:16 | 2418100 W10321303
W10321303's picture

In the old Soviet Union, he would be on his way to Siberia? Afghanistan?  In China, well they have these firing squads where you have to pay for the bullets.......But here in the land of LaLa and the University of Chicago....hummmm, he will probably get a BIG BONUS$$$ in December

Sun, 05/13/2012 - 13:32 | 2421489 Debt-Is-Not-Money
Debt-Is-Not-Money's picture

".hummmm, he will probably get a BIG BONUS$$$ in December"

And we will get the BIG BONE_US now!

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 15:35 | 2418337 Stochdoc
Stochdoc's picture

ring ring

secretary: Mr Dimon, call for you.

Dimon: who is it?

secretary: it's the whale

Dimon: you cocksucker! I'm gonna cut your dick off and shove it down your... oh, hi Warren!

Buffett: Hey Jamie. Heard you might have some securities for sale.

Dimon: Well, maybe. We've got some good positions... great stuff, really. Might even be able to let you have it for under par. Why don't you send some of your people to take a look?

Buffett: No, that's ok Jamie. If you say it's good stuff that's good enough for me. 20 bid.

Dimon: What did you say?

Buffett: you heard me. what's the cover? Oh, and by the way, I'll need some ten year warrens to buy your stock at 38.

Dimon: Warrens? Do you mean warrants?

Buffett: well, that's what Lloyd calls them.

Dimon: Fuck you Warren.

Buffett: that's what Brian said the first time that I called. Hey, gotta hop. Got Jimmy Gorman on hold; something about collateral.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!