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The "World's Largest Prop Trading Desk" Just Went Bust

Tyler Durden's picture


A month ago we warned that JPM's CIO office is nothing short of the world's largest prop trading desk. Not only were we right, but what just transpired is just shy of our worst possible prediction. At the end of the day, the real question is why did JPM put in so much money at risk in a prop trade because we can dispense with the bullshit that his was a hedge, right? Simple: because it knew with 100% certainty that if things turn out very, very badly, that the taxpayer, via the Fed, would come to its rescue. Luckily, things turned out only 80% bad. Although it is not over yet: if credit spreads soar, assuming at $200 million DV01, and a 100 bps move, JPM could suffer a $20 billion loss when all is said and done. But hey: at least "net" is not "gross" and we know, just know, that the SEC will get involved and make sure something like this never happens again.

As for what we said before, we will just repost the whole thing as we were, once again, right.

From April13: Why JPM's "Chief Investment Office" Is The World's Largest Prop Trading Desk: Fact And Fiction

For the fiction, we go to JPM's conference call transcript where we had the following disclosures.

  • "I did want to talk about the topics in the news around CIO and just take a step back and remind our investors about that activity and performance. We have more liabilities, $1.1 trillion of deposits than we have loans, approximately $720 billion. And we take that differential and we invest it, and that portfolio today is approximately $360 billion. We invest those dollars in high grade, low-risk securities. We have got about $175 billion worth of mortgage securities, we have got government agency securities, high-grade credit and covered bonds, securitized products, municipals, marketable CDs. The vast majority of those are government or government-backed and very high grade in nature. We invest those in order to hedge the interest rate risk of the firm as a function of that liability and asset mismatch."
  • "We hedge basis risk, we hedge convexity risk, foreign exchange risk is managed through CIO, and MSR risk. We also do it to generate NII, which we do with that portfolio. The result of all of that is we also need to manage the stress loss associated with that portfolio, and so we have put on positions to manage for a significant stress event in Credit. We have had that position on for many years and the activities that have been reported in the paper are basically part of managing that stress loss position, which we moderate and change over time depending upon our views as to what the risks are for stress loss from credit. And I would add that all those positions are fully transparent to the regulators. They review them, have access to them at any point in time, get the information on those positions on a regular and recurring basis as part of our normalized reporting. All of those positions are put on pursuant to the risk management at the firm-wide level. They are done to keep the Company effectively balanced from a risk standpoint.... " Of course, when you own the regulators, it is not much of an issue... And would it be the same regulators who we have now confirmed don't understand the first thing about markets?
  • "The last comment that I would make is that based on, we believe, the spirit of the legislation as well as our reading of the legislation and consistent with this long-term investment philosophy we have in CIO we believe all of this is consistent with what we believe the ultimate outcome will be related to Volcker."

For the facts, we go to Bloomberg again, which was the first to break the Bruno Iksil story, and which exposes without shadow of a doubt why the Chief Investment Office is nothing but the world's largest prop desk. But hey, just as Goldman named it frontrunning service the "Asmymetric Service Initiative" thereby magically not making it a frontrunning service, naming the world's largest prop desk the "Chief Investment Office" makes it no longer be the world's largest prop desk.

Here are the highlights. First on the CIO group:

  • Achilles Macris, hired in 2006 as the CIO’s top executive in London, led an expansion into corporate and mortgage-debt investments with a mandate to generate profits for the New York- based bank, three of the former employees said.
  • Some of Macris’s bets are now so large that JPMorgan probably can’t unwind them without losing money or roiling financial markets, the former executives said, based on knowledge gleaned from people inside the bank and dealers at other firms.
  • The CIO’s growing size and market power have made it an increasingly important customer to Wall Street’s trading desks and a market influence watched by hedge funds and other investors, the former employees said. Iksil’s positions in credit-derivatives have become so large that some market participants dubbed him “Voldemort,” after the villain of the Harry Potter series who’s so powerful he can’t be called by name.
  • What Bernanke is to the Treasury market, Iksil is to the derivatives market,” Bonnie Baha, head of the global developed credit group at DoubleLine Capital LP in Los Angeles, where she helps oversee $32 billion, said in a telephone interview.
  • Macris’s team amassed a portfolio of as much as $200 billion, booking a profit of $5 billion in 2010 alone -- equal to more than a quarter of JPMorgan’s net income that year, one former senior executive said.

And far more importantly on the background of the guy behind it all. It kinda, sorta sounds like he is a... gasp.... prop trading kinda guy

  • It’s Macris, not Iksil, who was behind the strategy that led to an unprecedented build-up of credit risk in JPMorgan’s chief investment office, three former employees of the bank said. While they expressed doubt Iksil can unwind his positions without causing a dislocation in the markets he trades, they also said JPMorgan probably can afford to hold the assets until they mature and so won’t be forced to sell them.
  • In 2011, corporate revenue of $3.3 billion included $1.6 billion of securities gains and produced $411 million of net income, the bank said in an annual filing on Feb. 29. By comparison, JPMorgan’s investment bank reported $26.3 billion in revenue and $6.8 billion of net income in 2011.
  • Since 2007, the value of securities held in JPMorgan’s chief investment office and treasury has more than tripled to surpass $350 billion from $76.5 billion, according to company filings.
  • Profit, not risk management, guided the purchases, according to the former employees. One of the employees, who previously held a senior executive position at the bank, said Dimon even ordered some of the trades himself.
  • Dimon pushed the unit to seek bigger profits by buying higher-yielding assets, including structured credit, equities and derivatives, and ramping up speculation, according to two former employees.
  • In London, Macris expanded his team, adding expertise in credit and fixed-income trading. A Greek citizen, Macris previously was co-head of capital markets at Dresdner Kleinwort Wasserstein before joining JPMorgan in 2006. In that role he helped oversee a unit that made proprietary trades, or bets with Dresdner’s own money, according to two people who worked with him at the time.
  • Before joining Dresdner, Macris oversaw currency trading at Bankers Trust, now part of Deutsche Bank AG. Macris was an idea- generating machine who was blunt and didn’t suffer fools, said Duncan Hennes, who worked with him at Bankers Trust.
  • At JPMorgan, Macris hired Evan Kalimtgis, a former head of credit portfolio strategy at Dresdner, to help with risk management, according to one former employee.
  • In 2007 Javier Martin-Artajo, who had been Dresdner’s head of credit-derivatives trading, joined JPMorgan in London. George Polychronopoulos, who worked at hedge fund Endeavour Capital LLP, also joined the London office in 2009.
  • Martin-Artajo, Polychronopoulos and Kalimtgis didn’t return calls and e-mails seeking comment.
  • While Macris had a mandate to make money from the beginning, he didn’t start putting on big bets until after the credit crisis in 2008. Two of the former executives said the following year he bought AAA-rated pieces of collateralized debt obligations. As competitors dumped securities and prices slumped, Macris’s group at JPMorgan emerged as the biggest buyer in some markets, said one former executive at the bank who was familiar with the trades at the times.
  • In one example, a New York-based CIO trader named Jonathan Horowitz bought about $1.1 billion of AAA-rated portions of collateralized loan obligations for about 80 cents on the dollar in November and December 2008, people familiar with the matter said at the time. Horowitz declined to comment.

Finally, the most damning evidence that JPM's World's Biggest Prop DeskTM, elsewhere known as the CIO, has to be dismantled lest it suffer the fate of all other massive prop desks, which promptly blew up in the days after the Lehman failure, is the following:

  • One public sign that the chief investment office does more than hedge: Its trading risk is on par with that of JPMorgan’s investment bank.
  • JPMorgan’s annual report for 2011 shows that the CIO stood to lose as much as $57 million on most days of the year. That compares with $58 million for the investment bank, which includes Wall Street’s biggest stock- and bond-trading units.
  • Another sign: The relationship between the CIO and the investment bank’s sales and trading desks is strained, two former employees said. Employees in the CIO get a smaller share of their trading profits than those in the investment bank, giving Dimon a cost-management incentive to direct more trading through the CIO, one former executive said.

Hence: JPMs "Chief Investment Office" = World's largest prop trading desk. But hey, just repeat "Assymetric Service Initative" ... "Assymetric Service Initative"  ... "Assymetric Service Initative" three times ... and it becomes truth.


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Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:51 | 2414909 Careless Whisper
Careless Whisper's picture

why, you ask?  because they own a printing press.


Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:55 | 2414945 B-rock
B-rock's picture

BusinessWeek interview explaining Iksil's trades back in April (for those who didn't pay attention): 


Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:17 | 2415047 Aziz
Aziz's picture

Max Keiser is wrong —

You don't have to buy silver to crash J.P. Morgan

Their prop desk, sorry, I mean CIO "risk management" desk will crash them for you.

(yes — a risk management desk that increases risk — and right there we have the fucking textbook definition of iatrogenesis).

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:26 | 2415110 knukles
knukles's picture


As in taking it up the ass so badly by JP, Goldilocks, ever so badly you no longer qualify for the classic last in line skull fucking.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:29 | 2415114 Comay Mierda
Comay Mierda's picture

now it makes sense why JPM took MF Global money.  prob covering what losses they could.

and remember - there is NEVER just one cockroach

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:36 | 2415156 Pinto Currency
Pinto Currency's picture



The Fed is blowing up. 

Bloomberg and JPM trot out prop trading and chatter about these problems.

David Stockman's article re. the Fed:

Eye on the Fed.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:59 | 2415279 Central Bankster
Central Bankster's picture

I wonder how many shares those idiots Munger and Buffett own?  Another "productive" asset they were referring too?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:01 | 2415500 Paul Atreides
Paul Atreides's picture

Everbody I mean EVERYBODY should go out and buy some physical silver tomorrow, doesn't have to be a lot if we can get everyone on board we can do some damage. With JP Morgan floundering NOW is the time to put the squeeze on those naked shorts.

Second Friday in May? Time to take the silver away!


Start spreading the word tweets have been started, loop in hash tags like #endthefed #ronpaul #crashjpm #crashjpmorgan #silver #gold #commodities #tbtf #jpm

I will commit to a tube of silver maples 25oz.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:05 | 2415513 Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

$20 billion?? 'tis only a flesh wound!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:13 | 2415544 CharlieSDT
CharlieSDT's picture

I'll pick up a couple rolls of quarters.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:44 | 2415682 Trimmed Hedge
Trimmed Hedge's picture

And I'll just pick up some of these shiny nickels in front of that steamroller....

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:52 | 2415709 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

Oxygen gets you high. In a catastrophic emergency, you're taking giant panicked breaths. Suddenly you become euphoric, docile. You accept your fate. It's all right here. Emergency water landing - 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows.

-- Tyler Durden

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 01:32 | 2416303 mt paul
mt paul's picture


Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:46 | 2415690 shanebondy
shanebondy's picture

A shitload hopefully....  but they still think the credit-bandwagon will roll forever

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 22:46 | 2416081 boogerbently
boogerbently's picture

How many times do we need to hear the....."and make sure something like this never happens again", before SOMETHING is done???LOL

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:36 | 2415158 Careless Whisper
Careless Whisper's picture

Jamie's hard-cover advice bio is selling for $2.33; could be good for a few laughs.


Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:50 | 2415205 tom a taxpayer
tom a taxpayer's picture

Jamie - Seek help at Gamblers Anonymous.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:59 | 2415271 The Limerick King
The Limerick King's picture



A verse on a terrible tale

Involving a JPM whale

To fill his own tank

He fucked the whole bank

The problem with Too Big To Fail

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:07 | 2415311 Rahm
Rahm's picture

Why are primary dealers being assassinated?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:22 | 2415371 banksterhater
banksterhater's picture

Why AREN'T the Primary Dealers ...!?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:38 | 2415420 Rahm
Rahm's picture

Countrywide, Lehman, Bear Stearns, ML, MF - deceased/kidnapped

JPM, HSBC, CITI, BAC, CS, etc - on life support/in coma's

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:42 | 2415175 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Look for bounced check fees to increase and another attempt at the debit card transaction fee.  

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:05 | 2415514 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

Big meeting going on tonight at 33 Liberty Street. (That's the FRB NY for those not from NYC). Dudley called in the boys and is not pleased. Wants to know who else may have this crap coming down the pike.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 09:43 | 2417002 roadhazard
roadhazard's picture

Anyone who uses a debit card is a dumb ass and deserves every fee they get.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:42 | 2415183 resurger
resurger's picture

Where is Max Ficher?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:57 | 2415259 Paul Atreides
Paul Atreides's picture

All trolls were ordered to report in and head to the main stream media threads for damage control...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:14 | 2415336 Tsunami Wave
Tsunami Wave's picture

Man.  It's times like this that make me miss Trav7777 and RoboTrader.  Though Robo would be nowhere on news like this.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:39 | 2415437 TravsMom
TravsMom's picture

Me 2, I miss my Trav.  The little bitch owes me money!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:18 | 2415361 Ms. Erable
Ms. Erable's picture

He was last seen strolling towards 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. with a pair of kneepads thrown o'ershoulder, whistling, grinning, and occasionally muttering something that sounded to passers-by like "... better than Monica... heehee!".

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 22:43 | 2416072 WillyGroper
WillyGroper's picture

Max Sphincter?

Civis Mundane

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:21 | 2415370 Waterfallsparkles
Waterfallsparkles's picture

Comay Mierda,

You make an interesting point.  If JPM took MF Global Customers Money.  It could have been used to prop up their positions.  Plus, if you remember there were a lot of people that got Margin calls and had to liquidate their positions.

If JPM casued the loss of Customer Accounts by not putting the Money that they received from a trade by Mf Global with Goldman back into Mf Globals Account intentionally.  Could this have been done to better their positions in Gold and Silver.  Remember a lot of people did not get the Gold that they had bought thru options.

HMMM.  Makes you think.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:38 | 2415432 Missiondweller
Missiondweller's picture

No kidding! Wasn't that the lesson of the 2008 crisis? If one is doing it they are ALL doing it to some degree. Which means we may very well start hearing about other banks having blown up over the next several months.


Remember when Bear's funds blew up? It took several months before it filtered down to other banks but we found out they were all holding similar bags of crap.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:35 | 2415143 Pinto Currency
Pinto Currency's picture



Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:05 | 2415297 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

If you have something to say just say it. Don't hold back.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:14 | 2415341 Tsunami Wave
Tsunami Wave's picture

Hey.. sometimes, silence is golden.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:52 | 2415475 A Nanny Moose
A Nanny Moose's picture

Duct tape is silver.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:42 | 2415670 Reptil
Reptil's picture

This is bullish right?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 23:56 | 2416194 pavman
pavman's picture

The last time I saw duct tape, it was leopard print.  Apparently leopard print, duct tape purses are all the rage for 12 year old girls. Yikes!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:58 | 2415262 jamezelle
jamezelle's picture

I bet their CIO desk appropriately managed their risk by shorting JPM stocks. lol

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:36 | 2415422 trebuchet
trebuchet's picture

nice one

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:43 | 2415446 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Don't worry the other arms of JPM have been short financial stocks for quite some time. Nothing like front-running yourself.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:22 | 2415060 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture



Paging Ben Shalom......cleanup on aisle 5.



Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:17 | 2415064 stocktivity
stocktivity's picture

Have to wonder how much of this crap is re-hypothecated and how all that will work out when they are forced to start selling tomorrow.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:30 | 2415121 FinalCollapse
FinalCollapse's picture

The money vaporized, Bitchez!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:46 | 2415192 FEDbuster
Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:21 | 2415087 knukles
knukles's picture

Why would JP Fuckem take a loss on customer positions, you ask?


Becasue they were not customer positions.
Blythe fucking lied to the regulators, press and muppetts. 
On the telly.  Duh. 

But they were hedged.
What's hedged got to do with customer positions?
Nothing you ask?
Nopthing, they say.
On my.....
Will they be held accountable?
Fuck no.
What does this mean for the Volcker Rule?
(chortle)  Never heard of it.
What about the silver manipulations?
What are you talking about, they're client positions.
Which are client positions?
The client positions.
No, I mean the silver.
What silver?  

Who's on first? 

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:26 | 2415108 Urban Roman
Urban Roman's picture

... digital mining techniques ...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:46 | 2415195 RacerX
RacerX's picture

It will be interesting if they ever have to unwind their short silver/PM positions.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:58 | 2415266 sunaJ
sunaJ's picture

They can't.  That is one of the reasons it has been manipulated.  Start with a small lie and well, you know how that goes...

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 06:18 | 2416514 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture



Protect the hypothecation at all costs.....but we didn't mean that much.


Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:56 | 2415713 Debt-Is-Not-Money
Debt-Is-Not-Money's picture



I had beer coming out my nose!

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 03:45 | 2416425 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

I can't help but wonder if JPM is the current target bank mentioned in: Gold Cover Claus Guidance

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:21 | 2415367 banksterhater
banksterhater's picture

file taken down

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:32 | 2415401 pkea
pkea's picture

i dont' belive Iksil did alone. could it be the GS's payback to JPM after the Greg Smith's letter?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:07 | 2415012 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Tyler, everybody in our office is in total awe of you uncovering this event long before it happened.  Complete and absolute respect.  

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:13 | 2415042 icanhasbailout
Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:17 | 2415061 bdc63
bdc63's picture

Tyler is a rock star ...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:27 | 2415113 B-rock
B-rock's picture

You mean: Tyler are rock stars...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:39 | 2415166 Paul Atreides
Paul Atreides's picture

The less people know about Tyler the better, keeps him safe at night.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 00:47 | 2416260 Oracle of Kypseli
Oracle of Kypseli's picture

He may be a double agent. 

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:52 | 2415476 lumen ex lumine
lumen ex lumine's picture

So is it "Tylers Durden", or "Tyler Durdens" ?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:08 | 2415523 THX 1178
THX 1178's picture

Tylerensis durdensis sapiens

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:11 | 2415527 fuu
fuu's picture

Attorneys General.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:11 | 2415534 azusgm
azusgm's picture

Tylers Durden

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:35 | 2415634 raki_d
raki_d's picture

its Tyler Durden and Marla Singers

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 21:26 | 2415815 fuu
fuu's picture

Exces feat. Marla Singers - Hard & Wet (HD)

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 22:15 | 2415995 sunaJ
sunaJ's picture

I actually smudged my computer screen trying to kill your avatar.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 23:15 | 2416144 Dr. Kananga
Dr. Kananga's picture

It's "The Tyler Durden." A collective--like The Borg.

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 01:34 | 2416312 mt paul
mt paul's picture

Tyler rehypothicated ....

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:58 | 2415491 stacking12321
stacking12321's picture

We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:21 | 2415077 Floordawg
Floordawg's picture

Tyler Durden is Jamie Dimon... didn't you know?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:38 | 2415160 Goldilocks
Goldilocks's picture

For a minute there i just...


Fri, 05/11/2012 - 00:55 | 2416270 ChacoFunFact
ChacoFunFact's picture

Remember risk has two components: probability and consequence. The probability of getting in to a car and crashing are high but the consequences are low compared to a plane crash. The probability of getting in to a plane and crashing are low but the consequences are high.

The prob that Freddie and Fannie fail were low (govt backed) but the consequence of everybody getting out at the same time was high.

So you get what we have here today. A man gets whats he wants.

Shut down your ego. What do you see?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:19 | 2415075 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

Apparently they forgot about the God of Interest Rate however...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:38 | 2415169 sunaJ
sunaJ's picture

Heyuh, if they canna just print their own money, thatta soundza lot likah da fraud!

Unleash the incredible anger built up in the gut of America. 


Now, does anyone have a spare Medusa head to stop the gut once it's done destroying TPTW(ere)?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 22:21 | 2416009 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

Hilliary Clinton is still using it, au natural.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:19 | 2415562 Buck Johnson
Buck Johnson's picture


Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:48 | 2415691 AccreditedEYE
AccreditedEYE's picture

Any currency ol Jamie boy thought he had to fight back the Volker Rule just went up in smoke. PD margins will continue to get vaporized and banking will become utility-like again. Jim Rogers was right...banking is going back to being a backwater and this is just another nail in their coffin. BX, KKR, CG... these are the investment banks of the future.  

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:51 | 2414910 sampo
sampo's picture


Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:53 | 2414926 Yikes
Yikes's picture

And it's gone.   Next please.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:04 | 2414995 blabam
blabam's picture

*Lights a sigar*

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:32 | 2415138 greensnacks
greensnacks's picture

They should have hedged with garments.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:50 | 2414912 Moneyswirth
Moneyswirth's picture

Holy Crap.  Can you say 2008? 

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:56 | 2414951 HarryM
HarryM's picture

Two Thousand Eight

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:06 | 2415001 sessinpo
sessinpo's picture

I'm still stuck on the holy crap part. How does crap become holy?


Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:09 | 2415014 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

it is blessed by the sphincter then baptised in the toilet.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:12 | 2415039 Kassandra
Kassandra's picture

Also known as the porcelain throne...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:21 | 2415085 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture


"We got a floater! What does it mean?"

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:40 | 2415664 Reptil
Reptil's picture

you guys *crack* me up

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 21:15 | 2415777 THX 1178
THX 1178's picture

It means God is smiling...

Fri, 05/11/2012 - 01:06 | 2416276 ChacoFunFact
ChacoFunFact's picture

That Richard was well hydrated at the time so his poop had the same density as water.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:49 | 2415202 CPL
CPL's picture

Papal expulsion.

That is all.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:13 | 2415038 Coast Watcher
Coast Watcher's picture

twenty oh eight

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:13 | 2415340 tom a taxpayer
tom a taxpayer's picture


Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:41 | 2415441 XitSam
XitSam's picture


Fri, 05/11/2012 - 06:21 | 2416517 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture




Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:26 | 2415104 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Maybe Geithner can get GS to buy JPM for $3 or so by next Monday.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:34 | 2415142 Dingleberry
Dingleberry's picture

How about we resurrect Lehman and have them buy JPM? Where are you Dick Fuld?!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:42 | 2415177 resurger
resurger's picture

How much is the haircut?

i may broker this one for ya...


Hanks. P

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:35 | 2415154 fuu
fuu's picture

Will you grab any if it hits $5?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:29 | 2415128 Comay Mierda
Comay Mierda's picture

Holy Crap. Can you say 2008?

PPT will be working overtime the next few weeks

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:42 | 2415176 vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

BlacK FriDay¿

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 21:16 | 2415784 THX 1178
THX 1178's picture

too thausind ate.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:52 | 2414916 Burr's 2nd Shot
Burr's 2nd Shot's picture

Good thing they put in the TBTF break-up provisions in Dodd-Frank.  Everyone thought it would be BAC as the guinea pig.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:59 | 2414918 Sequitur
Sequitur's picture

ZERO HEDGE: once again proving why this site is number one in exposing the massive, massive fraud that is the "global financial system," insofar as the United States and the EU are concerned.

United States Dollar, European Union Euro: utterly worthless currencies flying out of central bank printing presses.

Attention America: you slave at your garbage low wage jobs for worthless paper. Yet the Federal Reserve and its member banks (read: owners) simply hit "control-P" (read: quantitative easing, twist, TARP, HARP, mortgage settlement) and steal your paper dollar wealth while enslaving your children to trillions in debt that can never be repaid? And all this is done so criminals like Jamie Dimon, Pandit, Fuld, Thain, and Mack can gamble billions of paper dollars to boost banker bonuses?

Wake the fuck up America. Wake. The. Fuck. Up.

Read Zero Hedge. Religiously. Get the hell out of worthless paper, it IS going tits up. The devaluation reset, if not outright default, is coming. Get prepared.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:14 | 2415050 Rainman
Rainman's picture

Jamie acknowledges this has stirred up the " pundits ".....meaning ZH et al.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:18 | 2415072 xtop23
xtop23's picture

Hilarious..... it violates "the Dimon principle."

What in the name of God does that mean?

No midget porn involved?


Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:37 | 2415429 jerry_theking_lawler
jerry_theking_lawler's picture long as you don't touch the gay midget porn, then everything is OK!!!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:22 | 2415092 stocktivity
stocktivity's picture

Here's a classic quote from that article -

"This violated our principles. This trading violates the Dimon principle."

He actually said that...arrogant fuck

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:38 | 2415170 EclecticParrot
EclecticParrot's picture

Well, Jamie dear, there was a principle you absolutely didn't violate -- The Peter Principle  (

I'm especially fond of Peter's Corollary:  "work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence."   (Though I did hear the desk's last act was to short JPM, their way of effectively "managing up.")



Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:36 | 2415636 Withdrawn Sanction
Withdrawn Sanction's picture

"This violated our principles. This trading violates the Dimon principle."

(1)  Dont get caught

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 21:06 | 2415751 EclecticParrot
EclecticParrot's picture

Holy Christ, take a look at FAS (3X financial bull) in after hours trading --  down 5%, below $90/share, when it was at 107 on May 1.  I know some people play the lottery with these triple-leveraged beauties, buying at the close for an overnight trade, but those that did today got totally fucked courtesy of Mr. Principles, their stops pierced like a fencing dummy.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 22:36 | 2416053 widget
widget's picture

"[a] hit to Dimon and the bank's reputation."

Ha... ha ha... HA HA HA...... BWAHA HA HA HO HO HO HO... HE HE HE  [breath]... HI HI HI HI HIIIIII *passing out*

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:21 | 2415074 Dingleberry
Dingleberry's picture

Agreed....but unfortuantely us "conspiracy nutcases" that have been screaming to the top of our lungs for years about rank manipulation, fraud and collusion by the fed (and its primary dealers) somehow does not make it to the MSM. Unless one is fortunate to have this site as a bookmark, one is perpetually lost. THANK YOU to all my fellow bitchez at ZH!!! All this education, and free tuition to boot!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:52 | 2415232 12ToothAssassin
12ToothAssassin's picture

lol @ "my fellow bitchez"

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:23 | 2415095 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

Interest rates are PLUNGING bozo. If it really was "the end of
the world" JP Morgue would be rubbing it in our face right now. As it is "it's just the end of them." Move along!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:25 | 2415102 QQQBall
QQQBall's picture



BTW, is CDS a new cable channel? ;)

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:51 | 2414922 Firing Pin
Firing Pin's picture

Couldn't have happened to a nicer group of scumbags. 

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:12 | 2415032 xxxxx
xxxxx's picture

Amen brother!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:22 | 2415088 newworldorder
newworldorder's picture

True - But you have to remember that a lot of people have investments and company 401k assets at JPM. A lot of pain on an unraveling is potentially coming our way.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:31 | 2415134 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

"Patience Young Grasshopper." got 'em right where we want 'em....

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:32 | 2415137 I Am The Unknow...
I Am The Unknown Comic's picture

True that a lot of people could get hurt, but of course it would be all their own fault.  After all, they are just a bunch of greedy speculators and they knew what they were getting into.  The risks are all so clearly explained in the paperwork that they signed.  Those Greedy Grandmas deserve what they get!  (sarc)

Perhaps this comical parody from the movie "Airplane" of a CNBS (pronounced "seein' BS") anchor/commentator douchebag should be shared around the internet community during this most appropriate time?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:44 | 2415190 eatthebanksters
eatthebanksters's picture

too bad you can't buy stock in law firms, caue those bastards may stage a comeback!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:14 | 2415548 Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

Yeah, only problem is, it's taxpayers, employees, and shareholders that are gonna get left holding the bag. Dimon and his merry band of cocksuckers in JPM management will get away with billions scot-free.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:53 | 2414924 EZT
EZT's picture

is this a financial sector black swan event..?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:58 | 2414965 OMG
OMG's picture

If you listen carefully you can hear wings flapping, liker surround sound 7.1 aspect ratio!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 19:29 | 2415392 greensnacks
greensnacks's picture

If BP, Halliburton and Transocean can survive after killing a few people, dumping millions of gallons of oil in the gulf and ruining a few hundred, thousand peoples lives, payout $40b and continue pumping on, I would reason JPM will survive too. If it's just $2b, they could pay for it by halving their dividends for a year. It'll sting for a bit, but they get past it.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:43 | 2415667 xela2200
xela2200's picture

If they are saying it is $2b then it is probably $4B. The other thing that you are missing is they are still at risk since they cannot unwind the positions. At this point is anybody's guess what the ultimate loss is going to be or how it will affect markets. Finally, cutting dividends would cause the stock to drop further, and I don't think that is good for bonuses.

Liquidity will float ALL boats.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:52 | 2414931 Jacque Itch
Jacque Itch's picture

What about that interview from that JP Morgan wench about not hedging commodities?  Somebody help me with what I'm trying to recall.


Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:19 | 2415071 kill switch
kill switch's picture

Blyth Maters the silver killer

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:59 | 2415730 Bastiat
Bastiat's picture

I think she said something like:

"Manipulating markets and lying about itis not part of our business model, honest!"



Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:54 | 2414933 Debtless
Debtless's picture

Control P. There's an app for that.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:54 | 2414934 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Is this really a 2008 type situation?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:00 | 2414955 bdc63
bdc63's picture

no.  but it could be a trigger for something MUCH worse than 2008 ... too early to tell ...

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:37 | 2415652 Withdrawn Sanction
Withdrawn Sanction's picture

"...same, but different"

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:53 | 2414935 midgetrannyporn
midgetrannyporn's picture

Hush little JPM, don't say a word

Bernanke's gonna buy you a Mocking bird

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:54 | 2414937 Soda Popinski
Soda Popinski's picture

Looks like Jamie's going to continue increasing those shorts in silver to make up for lost profits.  Think how much Blythe made you last year on your rigged games.  Surely you can think of something else. 

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:34 | 2415141 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

Shorts? Hahahahaha. He's LONG that shit!

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:34 | 2415151 xtop23
xtop23's picture

The problem is the Ag rigging is an ATM machine and they quite possibly will need a dump truck.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:46 | 2415688 xela2200
xela2200's picture

Only the sheep speculator is short and in line for the killing. They have been unloading their shorts since the silver pop last year. No wonder JPM were crapping their pants. I bet they were looking at the abyss. Soros is a bastard.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:54 | 2414938 Waterfallsparkles
Waterfallsparkles's picture

have to worry about contagin risk.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:55 | 2414940 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Intentional heartache.

Perfect timing for the markets and getting QE3 in the queue.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:48 | 2415701 xela2200
xela2200's picture


Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:56 | 2414941 monopoly
monopoly's picture

Not fair. YOu guys told me it was all better. OK, so I won't buy BAC.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 22:26 | 2416023 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

God, if only BAC and Margin Stanley could hit a patch like this as well, I would believe in Santa Clause again. 

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:55 | 2414946 Kastorsky
Kastorsky's picture

let's hope JP's comodity trading unit is close to hitting a pile of shit as well.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:09 | 2415015 Gloomy
Gloomy's picture

Common'-The CFTC says they're just fine. What me worry?

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:23 | 2415093 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Yeah, they've got millions of... something of silver.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 18:09 | 2415025 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Jamie wanted to wait until next week for the conference call on the commodities trading unit mark-to-market losses.

Thu, 05/10/2012 - 17:59 | 2414947 pimpmysteel
pimpmysteel's picture

I thought Blythe just told us they dont have a book.



1:53 for the money shot.

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