Zombie Apocalypse Real-Time Tracker, Disaster Preparedness Simulation And Dispatch Form

Tyler Durden's picture




 

In the aftermath of the recent spike in Zombie Apocalypse outlier (soon to be inlier) events, which correlate nearly perfectly with the soaring expiration of unemployment extended benefits (recall: "Your EBT Card Has Been Denied": 700,000 Are About To Lose Their Extended Jobless Claims Benefits" - after all people's got to eat), it was only a matter of time before we went from this...

 

to the "ZOMBIE ATTACK: Disaster Preparedness Simulation Exercise #5 (DR5)" Courtesy of the University of Florda.

 

 

... and of course, like in any true bureacuracy, even the Zombie Apocalypse will need its own proper book-keeping in the United Zombie Socialist and Crony Capitalist States of America: Must... Fill out... Paperwork...

 

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Sun, 06/03/2012 - 15:34 | 2489615 Conrad Murray
Conrad Murray's picture

Office of Public Health Preparedness and Response - Zombie Preparedness

http://www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies.htm

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:03 | 2489707 Michael
Michael's picture

I failed to put my two cents in on an earlier thread so I'm repeating it here for information purposes;

I made a Youtube video about the Precautionary Principle subject a while ago;

The Precautionary Principle Who Benefits?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GIkWuuq45I

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:27 | 2489757 Ineverslice
Ineverslice's picture

Suspected zombies will be denied due process...their possessions will be confiscated.

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:36 | 2489781 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

Do zombies eat gold?  If so, that would at least (presumably) put an end a lot of pointless commentary here and elsewhere about its edibility.

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 17:20 | 2489911 12ToothAssassin
12ToothAssassin's picture

"INFECTED CO-WORKER DISPATCH FORM" BITCHEZ

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 18:49 | 2490111 Nothing To See Here
Nothing To See Here's picture

Zombies don't eat gold, but they think it's barbarious and thus support its confiscation

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 20:56 | 2490421 The Fonz...befo...
The Fonz...before shark jump's picture

IF zombies did eat gold then the zombies in an around the fort Knox area must be freakin starving!

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:40 | 2489791 Michael
Michael's picture

The Federal Government pioneered this zombie experiment during the Vietnam War and they made a great movie about it.

10. Jacob's Ladder (Scariest Horror Films Top 10)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzCNebSmSKo&feature=related

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:57 | 2489843 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Zombie Apocalypse 'style points' if you use the GATOR CHOMP...

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 19:59 | 2490258 Snidley Whipsnae
Snidley Whipsnae's picture

U of Florida football team played like zombies last season...

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 18:48 | 2490110 Hobbleknee
Hobbleknee's picture

The first zombie of the season was shot dead without a trial, so you need to spread the satire thicker.

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 17:35 | 2489945 lynnybee
lynnybee's picture

'I made a Youtube video about the Precautionary Principle subject a while ago;'   ...if you made it, i'm watching it.    & thank you for all your efforts in educating me about criminals running this country.

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:05 | 2489714 X.inf.capt
X.inf.capt's picture

OMG!

WTF?

if this site is for real, im going to home depot and get plywood to cover the windows...

RIGHT NOW!......bitchez...

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:19 | 2489741 Conrad Murray
Conrad Murray's picture

It's real. They put it up last year. Around the same time the Army put out it's Counter-Zombie Operations manual (it's just a joke, right?)...

http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2011/06/army-gets-how-to-guide-for-zombi...

Also of interest, the Russians have developed a "Zombie Gun" that turns people into zombies...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2123415/Putin-targets-foes-zombi...

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:33 | 2489776 X.inf.capt
X.inf.capt's picture

is it just me...

or is the world going...

BAT SH*T CRAZY....

people starting to act like HANNIBAL LECTOR...

time to get out the bug out bag...

before i become someones dinner....

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 17:52 | 2489990 Temporalist
Temporalist's picture

Cannibalism is nothing new nor are bacteria or drugs.

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 18:01 | 2490011 X.inf.capt
X.inf.capt's picture

uh..

cannibalism is new to me!

people eating other peoples faces off while they're ALIVE is new to me...

in a street, broad daylight, in an american city...

NEW TO ME!

 

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 18:27 | 2490063 Mae Kadoodie
Mae Kadoodie's picture

WTF Fuckin zombies?  I am so fuckin outta here!  Fuckin zombie bitchez.

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 21:49 | 2490531 Drachma
Drachma's picture

Inhibitor-laced prescription drugs injected directly into the bloodstream (street term = bath salts) wreaking havoc on the brain and producing animalistic behaviour along with other side-effects. Chemistry can get very fucked.

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 22:28 | 2490622 X.inf.capt
X.inf.capt's picture

and why in hell would anyone willingly...

OH NEVER MIND!

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 23:07 | 2490692 Freddie
Freddie's picture

It is The Matrix trying to distract us before all the shit falls apart.  Zombie #1 Haitian, Zombie #2 Kenyan - both could look like the son's that.....could have had.   Wonderful open borders.   The zombie scare is just more Bilderberger distraction shit for the masses.  

Mon, 06/04/2012 - 09:02 | 2491286 tarsubil
tarsubil's picture

Sebelius gave the people that came up with that an HHS award.

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:21 | 2489746 Gidas19
Gidas19's picture

How to prepare for a zombie invasion, watch FPS Russian on YouTube... and as always havv nice day...

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 17:06 | 2489876 smb12321
smb12321's picture

Russian Invasion?  Yeah, thank god they're gonna use smart, quick and independent thinkers like zombies for the invasion.  Any word yet on how they plan to send this new "army" to our shores?   LOL

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 17:22 | 2489914 12ToothAssassin
12ToothAssassin's picture

Apaprently you havent watched FPS Russia

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:23 | 2489750 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2012/06/people-eat-other-people-on-a-regula...

Good News: People Eat Other People on a Pretty Regular Basis

In just the past week, a naked man ate a homeless guy's face in Miami, a New Jersey man threw his intestines at police, a Canadian porn star killed a man and ate parts of his body before mailing other parts to government officials, a Maryland man killed his roommate and ate his heart and brain, and a Staten Island pizza parlor owner nommed a dude's ear. It seems clear that this sudden burst of zombie activity points inexorably to the beginning of the end for mankind. But we started to wonder this morning — from inside our fortified, WiFi enabled, mountainside bunker — whether the only thing that's changed is that, in the wake of the headline-grabbing Miami incident, we've suddenly started paying a lot more attention to zombie-esque stories than we had in the past. After digging around, we found that while the frequency of cannibal stories over the past week is unusual, this kind of stuff happens fairly regularly. Here is a rundown of what we've found from just the past six months.


May 25

"Police in southwest China have detained a man suspected of murdering more than a dozen boys and young men, chopping up their bodies and selling the flesh to unsuspecting consumers, reports said Friday."


May 8

"A Swiss politician has been accused of advertising for cannibals to kill and eat the mother and daughter of a policeman friend going through a 'tricky' divorce."


April 14

"Police have arrested three people for allegedly killing at least two women, eating parts of their bodies and using their flesh to make stuffed pastries known as empanadas that they sold to neighbors in their northeastern Brazil city."


April 7

"A 79-year-old man accused of killing his wife ate some of her flesh and was found sitting in a rocking chair in their Shrewsbury apartment, covered in blood, a prosecutor said Friday."


March 27

"Russian police have arrested a man who admitted killing at least six people before eating their hearts and livers, media said."


March 26

"A Russian man killed a drinking partner after he and his friends ran out of snacks at a vodka party - then sold the leftovers as pork at a market. The 35-year-old admitted stabbing his fellow drinker, 41, to death before slicing flesh off the corpse, which he cooked and ate, police said."


March 24

"Serbian gangsters allegedly beat a traitorous associate to death with a hammer before cooking and eating his remains in Spain, police said."


January 27

"A Florida man has been arrested for allegedly hacking to death a Connecticut man and eating the victim's eye and part of his brain."


January 12

"Police say a man in Indiana accused of stealing a car threatened to hunt down and eat his arresting officers, their families and police dogs."

In a weird way, it's kind of a relief. The world isn't ending! People actually eat other people all the time! Of course, the bad news is that people eat other people all the time.

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 18:28 | 2490066 Goldilocks
Goldilocks's picture

psychological operations (psyops)

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 19:48 | 2490236 Arnold Ziffel
Arnold Ziffel's picture

"There's never ever just one Zombie."

..or was that one roach?

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:27 | 2489755 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

http://www.rotten.com/library/bio/crime/serial-killers/jeffrey-dahmer/

Jeffrey Dahmer

What the fuck does a guy gotta do to get arrested in Milwaukee?

Around 2:00 AM on May 27, 1991 Milwaukee resident Sandra Smith called 911. She had encountered a young boy staggering around "butt naked" on the corner of 25th and State and bleeding out of his ass. Paramedics showed up and wrapped the incoherent 14-year-old in a blanket. Police arrived soon thereafter, as did Jeffrey Dahmer.

Jeffrey forked over his ID and told the cops that the kid was his 19-year-old gay lover. Dahmer said that his boyfriend had gotten hammered on booze and just wandered away. Despite the protestations of witnesses at the scene, the cops figured this was just a fag thing and escorted the kid back to Jeffrey's apartment.

Somehow the officers failed to notice any of the corpses and dismembered body parts stashed around the place, not even the one which had been decomposing for three days in the next room. Or, for that matter, the hole in the boy's skull Dahmer had made with an electric drill. The police chalked it up to "a homosexual lovers spat" and left. As soon as they were gone, Dahmer strangled the boy, raped his corpse, and ate some flesh from the carcass. It was his twelfth victim.

If only the cops had bothered to run Jeffrey's name through their database, they would have learned that he was on parole for sexual assault. Oh well. (Shrug.) They caught him the next time around anyway, meaning: two months and four victims later. At which point, Dahmer finally heard someone utter the magic words, "Vince, cuff the son of a bitch."

The case was a total slam-dunk for the prosecution. They just don't get any slam-dunkier. You have a convicted felon. On parole. With statements from the neighbors complaining about the stink of rotten meat emanating from the apartment, and running a circular saw at late hours. Not to mention a live witness who was just about to become the next victim (who flagged down the patrol car completely nude except for the handcuffs dangling from one wrist). And then -- as if you needed more -- there's the crime scene evidence.

The apartment reeked of decomposing meat. They found chloroform and formaldehyde. And dozens of Polaroids Jeffrey had taken of the victims while they were tied up and butchered. Plus the 55-gallon drums of muriatic acid and dissolving body parts. Plus the freezer full of heads, neatly packaged in plastic bags (to prevent freezer burn?).

The only possible snag facing prosecutors was the issue of whether Dahmer was too crazy to stand trial. Sometimes jurors don't believe that somebody comfortable with necrophilia or cannibalism can be considered sane. Which is how the defense attorney ultimately played it. Dahmer pleaded guilty to the crimes but claimed to have been legally insane.

The defense dragged up Jeffrey's childhood. Evidently he had enjoyed killing and torturing small animals as a kid, while jacking off at the same time. They pointed out Dahmer's persistent attempts to create a "zombie" sex slave by drilling into his (live) victim's head and pouring acid into the hole. Not exactly the work of a sane man, they argued. But the jury decided otherwise. Jeffrey received 15 consecutive life sentences, making him eligible for parole sometime in Hell.

He wound up serving time in a Wisconsin state penitentiary. For some reason, Dahmer requested to be put into general population. And, for some reason, the prison authorities granted it. While cleaning a bathroom on work detail, Dahmer got beaten to death by another inmate. Finally.

 

Timeline 21 May 1960 Jeffrey Dahmer born, Milwaukee WI. 26 Sep 1988 Jeffrey Dahmer offers a cute Laotian boy $50 to pose for nude photos in his Milwaukee apartment. The parents of the 13-year-old later rat Dahmer out, resulting in a 10-month prison stay. 28 Nov 1994 Killed by fellow inmate Christopher Scarver, Columbia Correctional Institution, Portage, WI.
Sun, 06/03/2012 - 17:14 | 2489898 lakecity55
lakecity55's picture

Jeff's killer was a con whose nephew had been a tasty meal for Dahmer. He schemed for months to get on the cleaning detail so as to whack the bastard. Since he was already serving life sentences, Dahmer's killer had nothing to lose by exacting revenge.

He beat him until there was nothing left but a bloody pulp.

A fitting end for the fag cannibal.

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 17:40 | 2489954 Ricky Bobby
Ricky Bobby's picture

Gully - Zombie Troll!

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 17:50 | 2489986 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

Ricky Bobby

Goddamn boy, you can't notice a theme?

Dumber than a box of rocks aren't ya

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 18:37 | 2490085 Ricky Bobby
Ricky Bobby's picture

Gully - Fuck You NKVD scum.

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:28 | 2489761 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Gein

Ed Gein Arrest

On November 16, 1957, Plainfield hardware store owner Bernice Worden disappeared and police had reason to suspect Gein. Worden's son told investigators that Gein had been in the store the evening before the disappearance, saying he would return the following morning for a gallon of anti-freeze. A sales slip for a gallon of anti-freeze was the last receipt written by Worden on the morning she disappeared.[12] Upon searching Gein's property, investigators discovered Worden's decapitated body in a shed, hung upside down by ropes at her wrists, with a crossbar at her ankles. The torso was "dressed out" like that of a deer.[13] She had been shot with a .22-caliber rifle, and the mutilations were made after death.[citation needed]

Searching the house, authorities found:[14]

  • Four noses
  • Whole human bones and fragments[15]
  • Nine masks of human skin[16]
  • Bowls made from human skulls
  • Ten female heads with the tops sawn off
  • Human skin covering several chair seats
  • Mary Hogan's head in a paper bag[17]
  • Bernice Worden's head in a burlap sack[18]
  • Nine vulvae in a shoe box[19]
  • A belt made from female human nipples[20]
  • Skulls on his bedposts
  • A pair of lips on a draw string for a window-shade
  • A lampshade made from the skin from a human face

These artifacts were photographed at the crime lab and then were properly destroyed.[21]

When questioned, Gein told investigators that between 1947 and 1952,[22] he made as many as 40 nocturnal visits to three local graveyards to exhume recently buried bodies while he was in a "daze-like" state. On about 30 of those visits, he said he came out of the daze while in the cemetery, left the grave in good order, and returned home empty handed.[23] On the other occasions, he dug up the graves of recently buried middle-aged women he thought resembled his mother[24] and took the bodies home, where he tanned their skins to make his paraphernalia. Gein admitted robbing nine graves, leading investigators to their locations. Because authorities were uncertain as to whether the slight Gein was capable of single-handedly digging up a grave in a single evening, they exhumed two of the graves and found them empty, thus apparently corroborating Gein's confession.[25][26]

Shortly after his mother's death, Gein decided he wanted a sex change and began to create a "woman suit" so he could pretend to be a female.[14] Gein's practice of donning the tanned skins of women was described as an "insane transvestite ritual".[27] Gein denied having sex with the bodies he exhumed, explaining: "They smelled too bad."[27] During interrogation, Gein also admitted to the shooting death of Mary Hogan, a tavern operator missing since 1954.[citation needed]

A 16-year-old youth whose parents were friends of Gein and who attended ball games and movies with him reported that he was aware of the shrunken heads, which Gein had described as relics from the Philippines sent by a cousin who had served in World War II.[28] Upon investigation by the police, these were determined to be human facial skins, carefully peeled from corpses and used as masks by Gein.[citation needed]

Waushara County sheriff Art Schley reportedly physically assaulted Gein during questioning by banging Gein's head and face into a brick wall; as a result, Gein's initial confession was ruled inadmissible.[11] Schley died of a heart attack in December 1968, at age 43, only a month after testifying at Gein's trial. Many who knew him said he was traumatized by the horror of Gein's crime and that this, along with the fear of having to testify (especially about assaulting Gein), led to his death. One of his friends said: "He was a victim of Ed Gein as surely as if he had butchered him."[11]

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:29 | 2489766 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fritz_Haarmann

Fritz Haarmann Murders

Detectives search a stove inside Haarmann's room

Between 1918 and 1924, Haarmann committed at least 24 murders, although he is suspected of murdering a minimum of 27. Haarmann's first known victim was a 17-year-old youth named Friedel Rothe. When Rothe disappeared in September 1918, his friends told police he was last seen with Haarmann. Under pressure from Rothe's family, police raided Haarmann's apartment, where they found their informer in the company of a semi-naked teenage boy. They charged Haarmann with sexual assault, and he was sentenced to nine months imprisonment. Haarmann avoided serving his sentence throughout 1919, and during this time, met a young runaway named Hans Grans, who was subsequently to become his lover.[3]

Haarmann served his 9-month imprisonment between March and December 1920. Again, he regained the trust of the police and became an informer. Shortly after his release, Haarmann moved into a new apartment: number 27 Cellerstraße.[4] Shortly afterwards, Hans Grans moved into Haarmann's apartment.


Detectives point towards the entrance to Haarmann's room

Haarmann's subsequent victims largely consisted of young male commuters, runaways and, occasionally, male prostitutes who hung around Hanover's central station, whom Haarmann would lure back to his apartment and then kill by biting through their throats, sometimes while sodomizing them. All of Haarmann's victims were dismembered before they were discarded, usually in the Leine River. The possessions of several victims were either sold on the black market or retained by either Haarmann or his younger lover, Hans Grans. Rumor also had it that Haarmann would peddle meat from the bodies of his victims as canned black market pork. Although no physical evidence was ever produced to confirm this, Haarmann was known to be an active trader in contraband meat.[5]

Haarmann's accomplice and live-in partner, Hans Grans, sold the possessions of several of the victims cheaply on the black market, and kept other possessions for himself, and Haarmann initially claimed that although Grans knew of many of his murders, and personally urged him to kill two of the victims so he could obtain their clothing and personal possessions, was otherwise not involved in the murders.


Police photo of Haarmann's room

Haarmann was eventually apprehended when numerous skeletal remains, which he had dumped into the Leine River, washed up downstream in May and June 1924. The police decided to drag the river and discovered more than 500 human bones which were later confirmed as having come from at least 22 separate human individuals. Suspicion quickly fell upon Haarmann, who had convictions for molesting children and had been connected to the disappearance of Friedel Rothe in 1918. Haarmann was placed under surveillance and on the night of June 22, was observed prowling Hanover's central station. He was quickly arrested after trying to lure a boy to his apartment. His apartment was searched and the walls were found to be heavily bloodstained. Haarmann tried to explain this as a by-product of his illegal trade as a butcher. However, clothing and personal items known to be possessions of several missing youths were also found in his home. Under interrogation, Haarmann quickly confessed to raping, killing and butchering young men since 1918. When asked how many he had killed, Haarmann claimed "somewhere between 50 and 70". The police, however, could only connect Haarmann with the disappearance of 27 youths, and he was charged with 27 murders. It is interesting to note that only a quarter of the personal items found in his apartment were identified as having belonged to any of the victims.

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:31 | 2489771 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Pearce

Alexander Pearce

Pearce led an escape from Macquarie Harbour Penal Settlement and became notorious for cannibalising his fellow escapees as they traversed the West Coast of Tasmania.[1]

Pearce escaped with seven other convicts: Alexander Dalton, Thomas Bodenham, William Kennerly, Matthew Travers, Edward Brown, Robert Greenhill and John Mather. Greenhill, who had the axe, appointed himself leader, supported by his friend Travers, with whom he had been sent to Macquarie Harbour for stealing businessman Anthony Fenn Kemp's schooner in an attempt to escape. About 15 days into the journey, the men were starving and drew lots to see who would be killed for food.[1] Thomas Bodenham (or perhaps Alexander Dalton: see below)drew the short straw and Greenhill despatched him with an axe. At this point three of the company — Dalton, Kennerly and Brown — took fright and decamped. Kennerly and Brown reached Macquarie Harbour, but Brown seemed to have died of exhaustion. That left Greenhill, Travers, John Mather and Alexander Pearce. With Greenhill and Travers acting as a team, it would be Mather's or Pearce's turn next. Pearce seems to have sided with Greenhill and Travers at this point, and Mather was the next victim. It was then that Pearce had some luck: Travers was bitten on the foot by a snake. Greenhill insisted they carry him for five days, but when it became clear he would not recover, killed him.[4].

After that, it was a cat and mouse game. Greenhill had the axe, but they were both starving, and they had to sleep. In the end it was Pearce who prevailed. He grabbed the axe, killed Greenhill and dined on his body. He later raided an Aboriginal campsite and stole more food. When he saw sheep, he knew he had reached the settled districts. He was lucky again, as the shepherd who came upon him eating a lamb was an old friend. Pearce was inducted into a sheep stealing ring, and was eventually picked up with William Davis and Ralph Churton, who were hanged for bushranging and escaping from a military escort.

In total, Pearce had been free for 113 days, a little less than half of which was spent in the wilderness. Locked up in Hobart, Pearce made a confession to the Rev Robert Knopwood, the magistrate and chaplain, but Knopwood did not believe his cannibalism story and was convinced the others were still living as bushrangers. He sent Pearce back to Macquarie Harbour.[1]

There are inconsistencies in Pearce's story. He made three confessions — the Knopwood confession; a confession to Lt Cuthbertson, Commandant of Macquarie harbour when he was in hospital after the second escape (in this version, Dalton is the first victim); and a confession to Father Phillip Connolly, the colony's Catholic priest, the night before his execution — and some of the details differed. But what is incontrovertible is that seven men went into the bush at Macquarie Harbour, and only three came out; and that, of the four men alive when Dalton, Kennerly and Brown decamped, only one survived.

Within a year he escaped for the second time, joined by a young convict named Thomas Cox. Pearce was captured within ten days and taken to the Supreme Court of Van Diemens Land in Hobart, where he was tried and convicted of murdering and cannibalising Thomas Cox. Observers noted that he did not look like a cannibal. Measuring only 1.6 m in height which was a little under average for that time but with a strong wiry frame. Not like someone who was "laden with the weight of human blood, and believed to have banqueted on human flesh" as the Hobart Town Gazette wrote on 25 June 1824. His captors had found parts of Cox's body in Pearce's pockets, even though he still had food left, so his guilt was beyond doubt this time. Pearce confessed that he had killed Cox because when they reached King's River, Cox admitted that he could not swim. He was the first felon to be executed by the new Supreme Court and the first confessed cannibal to pass through the Tasmanian court system.[4]

He was hanged at the Hobart Town Gaol at 9am on 19 July 1824, after receiving the last rites from Father Connolly.[5] It is reported that just before Pearce was hanged, he said, "Man’s flesh is delicious. It tastes far better than fish or pork."[6]

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:33 | 2489775 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaZkQelQCBI

The Buoys - Timothy

Trapped in a mine that had caved in
And everyone knows the only ones left
Was Joe and me and Tim
When they broke through to pull us free
The only ones left to tell the tale
Was Joe and me

Timothy, Timothy, where on earth did you go?
Timothy, Timothy, God why don't I know?

Hungry as hell no food to eat
And Joe said that he would sell his soul
For just a piece of meat
Water enough to drink for two
And Joe said to me, "I'll take a swig
And then there's some for you."

Timothy, Timothy, Joe was looking at you
Timothy, Timothy, God what did we do?

I must have blacked out just around then
'Cause the very next thing that I could see
Was the light of the day again
My stomach was full as it could be
And nobody ever got around
To finding Timothy

Timothy, Timothy, where on earth did you go?
Timothy, Timothy, God why don't I know?

Timothy...

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:49 | 2489823 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

http://www.dominicantoday.com/dr/forum/dominicans-abroad/haiti/3932/Zomb...

Brooklyn, New York (VBS.TV) -- American soldiers returning from Haiti in the early '20s and '30s came home with arresting tales of voodoo potions, black magic, and living-dead zombies. They published their stories in mass-market pulp novels, which in turn inspired horror movies and eventually made their corporeal way to our supermarket aisles during Halloween.

But back in Haiti, zombies are real still. Late last year, just prior to the devastating 7.0 magnitude earthquake that ravaged the country, VBS producer Santiago Stelley-Fernandez, a camera crew, and I headed to Port-au-Prince in search of the undead, known locally as Nzambi.

We had investigative forbearers. In 1937, American folklorist and anthropologist Zora Neale Hurston traveled to Haiti and encountered the case of Felicia Felix-Mentor, a woman who villagers claimed had died in 1907 at the age of 29 but had returned to the living 20 years later. Hurston investigated the rumors and discovered evidence that powerful drugs were used to replicate a death-like state.

...

he Top Three Zombie Outbreaks in U.S. History
Like vampires, zombies are great opportunists. So it comes as no surprise that zombie outbreaks often happen in the wake of natural disasters. Combine disasters with warm climates and you truly have a recipe for a major outbreak, as the following stories prove.
Key West, Florida, 1935

Key West, 1935: Zombie
bodies prepared for disposal
On Labor Day, September 2, 1935, a major hurricane bore down on the Florida Keys, a string of islands separating the Gulf of Mexico from the Atlantic Ocean. The hurricane, one of only two Category 5 storms ever recorded in the United States, made landfall at Key West, the most populous of the keys. As day turned to night, heavy rains and winds of over 150 miles an hour rolled over the island, destroying virtually everything standing. Amid the destruction, infected rats began roaming the island, and by morning, the first of the zombies appeared. Many islanders mistook the zombies for dazed hurricane survivors and the plague spread across the island like wildfire. To make matters worse, the roads and bridges connecting the keys to the mainland had been washed out by the storm. The islanders had no way to escape. Scores of people drowned when they chose to leap into the choppy surf rather than face the voracious zombies.

Within days, FVZA troops from all over the south converged on Key West in a variety of sea craft. They established a beachhead on the south side of the island and went about the process of extermination. It took three weeks to secure the island. A total of 3500 people were infected and destroyed, an enormous number considering that there was a zombie vaccine available at this time.

Vicksburg, Mississippi, 1863
1863 was the pivotal year of the American Civil War. The Union army, sensing victory, tried to deal a knockout blow to the Confederacy by taking control of the Mississippi River. After New Orleans fell to the Union, the city of Vicksburg remained as the last Confederate holdout on the big river. On May 18, 1963, 3200 Union troops arrived off the coast of Vicksburg and demanded an immediate surrender. But Confederate leaders refused, and the Union laid seige to the city. A month of heavy bombardment ensued.

A zombie attacks a Union
soldier in Vicksburg
On June 17, city residents spotted the first zombie, and within days, dozens were wandering about. This development hardly worried the 30,000 Confederate troops protecting the city; they entertained themselves by conducting target practice on the zombies. But with their supply lines cut off, the Confederate troops soon ran out of ammunition, and the zombies kept coming. To this day, Southerners claim that the Union let the zombie plague continue out of pure malice. In any case, when Union forces entered the city on July 3, hundreds of zombies were roaming the streets, many in Confederate Army uniforms with flagpoles in hand. As there was no FVZA at this time, the Union soldiers had to do the killing and they quickly found out that zombies, unlike soldiers, do not surrender. In the end, an estimated 2000 people were infected and destroyed at Vicksburg, almost as many as were killed in the Battle of Bull Run.

Hawaii, 1892

Queen Lili'uokalani
At the beginning of the 1890s, Hawaii found itself in a tug of war between native islanders, who wanted the islands to remain independent, and powerful sugar growers who wanted to join the United States. Queen Lili'uokalani ascended to the throne in 1891 and promptly enacted a series of measures designed to weaken the influence of the sugar growers. However, her mind was soon occupied by different matters: in August of 1892, a zombie plague that had begun among Chinese laborers in the sugar cane fields of Oahu spread to Honolulu. Wave after wave of zombies came staggering out of the jungle, forcing desperate islanders to board outrigger canoes and flee to neighboring islands.

Despite her fear of losing independence, the Queen had no choice but to ask the United States for help. A detachment of FVZA troops arrived in the fall and quickly wrested control of the city from the zombies. But the surrounding countryside proved more difficult to clear, and more FVZA agents were called in. The sugar growers took advantage of the chaos and panic by launching a coup, and the Queen was deposed. Hawaii was annexed by the United States in 1898, but they did not become the 50th star on the American flag until August 21, 1959.

There has long been suspicion that the sugar growers let the plague go in order to destabilize the queen, a suspicion strengthened by the fact that the top growers left Hawaii shortly after the outbreak began. Whatever the case, Hawaii's 1893 zombie outbreak killed just under 2000 people, making it the third-worst in U.S. history.

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 23:43 | 2490746 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Methinks you should find another hobby...

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 15:11 | 2489539 knicks3005
knicks3005's picture

Brains!!!

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 15:19 | 2489572 Black Forest
Black Forest's picture

However, employees with small cars incapable of running over zombies may be forced to work from home even in a Romero-type outbreak.

Yes, indeed.

 

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:10 | 2489726 Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

THAT explains the snow plow attachments on the 4x4s in FL.

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 20:38 | 2490368 MikeMcGspot
MikeMcGspot's picture

Yep, save your gas for the molitov. Got to be 5 somewhere around the globe.

Zombies punch a clock, try to get you when your tired.

We like to pop them when they are sleeping, their little brains never notice the bullet.

The flies are our friends.

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 16:24 | 2489752 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

knicks3005

You can tell the Vegan Zombies because they chant "grains!".

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 15:11 | 2489543 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

I HEART MIAMI POSTER

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 15:19 | 2489570 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Should read Gainesville. ;-)

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 15:20 | 2489576 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Cannibal Caine says:

CANNIBAL CAINE

Sun, 06/03/2012 - 23:13 | 2490705 Freddie
Freddie's picture

The other son Obama could have had without his hoodie.

Mon, 06/04/2012 - 12:35 | 2492333 jumbo maverick
jumbo maverick's picture

Gawd damned funniest thing I ever read

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