Monday Humor: "Why The Worst Quarter Since 2009 May Be A Good Thing" - The Media Explains

Tyler Durden's picture

First, the facts, courtesy of Bloomberg:

 

* * *

This is how Forbes laid out the threat of the Q1 earnings collapse just 4 months ago:

 

Turns out not only was it likely but Q1 earnings are about to plunge the most in 8 years, which means that now that the threat has materialized, it is time for spin. A lot of spin. courtesy of everyone.

First Reuters:

 

Then MarketWatch:

 

Then MarketWatch, again, just in case:

 

And, of course, CNBC:

 

We eagerly look forward to the BTFD "explanations" when the earnings recession becomes an earnings depression.

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Dr. Engali's picture

BUY STAWKS YOU FUCKERS! If you don't we're stuck with this shit and out of job.

order66's picture

Holy what the shit? Just gets more unicorn every day.

idea_hamster's picture

this is the new-normal version of the old-normal required talking head piece "Why the Newly Inverted Yield Curve Is No Big Deal This Time (Unlike Every Other Time (Including the Ones Where We Said It Was Different (But It Turned Out To Be the Same (Like It Will This Time))))"

NoDebt's picture

I read something a couple weeks ago that company stock buybacks in the S&P 500 amounted to more share purchases than all the "natural buyers" in the market combined in 2015.

That's what I call a healthy market.

MillionDollarBonus_'s picture

It's exhausting trying to explain these things to the amateurs. Life is not black and white, and things are not always what they seem. This news is positive for two reasons:

  1. Things can only improve from here
  2. Weak economic data is a reason for our Federal Reserve to introduce further monetary stimulus

https://accredited-times.com/2016/04/11/diversifying-americas-demographi...

Citxmech's picture

If all roads can lead to Rome, I suppose all economic signals can say:  "It's a good day to BUY!" - right?

NoDebt's picture

"Things can only improve from here on"

Dude, if things got any better I think I'd have kittens.  Not sure how much more of this awesomeness I could stand.

Dr. Engali's picture

When you do have kittens, make sure you make plenty of cat videos. People just love cat videos. 

Mr. Bones's picture

I want a price of this IPO at any price.  It can't lose!

Mr. Bones's picture

Bonus: If you get the timing right the CAT symbol might be available and Cramer won't have to change any of his talking points.  Everyone wins!

Dr. Engali's picture

Keep up the good work. One day us amateurs will come to understated and appreciate your brilliance. 

replaceme's picture

You left out 'there is big money to be made from catching falling knives'.... I heart MDB.

IridiumRebel's picture

Copy/pastededed from Trav777

We miss you.

"this is absolutely true! Diversity is our greatest strength. Think of all the things diversity gives us…you can spend all day talking about the exciting new ethnic restaurants we can eat at.

Only bigoted white racists fail to see this. Multiculturalism is the future.

Diversity is so important because we all bleed red and are all part of the HUMAN race. Racism is so outdated in the current year, and those still clinging to these old ways are on the wrong side of history.

ALL humans are the same, and that’s why diversity is so important! As individual races (which don’t actually exist) disappear, our diversity will only be enhanced as all people become more alike!

Anyone who doesn’t agree with this is clearly a racist. The days of white supremacy in the USA (where Asians have the highest socioeconomic outcomes) are OVER- pay attention you privileged white racists. Your days are numbered and your system of white privilege that caused Asians to have the lowest arrest rates and highest average incomes is FINISHED. NO LONGER will you whites be sitting almost on top of the pyramid with Asians above you. You have tried to exclude EVERYONE else who isn’t white and controlled all the power and every institution for YOUR benefit. This system is how whites are the #2 race in average SES. Because slavery.

More diversity will mean more progressive voters, more right-thinking liberal social policies and more taxing of rich, white privilege to the benefit of the other, disadvantaged races.

Those demographics numbers from 1960 are EMBARRASSING. Is it any wonder that the USA achieved next to nothing significant with this population? The only significant endeavor back then was white supremacy, racism, and segregation. There were no major scientific or economic successes before diversity strengthened us all. It’s very clear when looking at the history of the US that things didn’t get done until diversity. Because diversity is the greatest strength and we are a nation of immigrants. The ONLY true Americans are immigrants.

Oh, here is a great blog discussing the wonders of diversity written in a similar style to Accredited Times. Everyone should read and enjoy:"

https://diversitychronicle.wordpress.com/

JamaicaJim's picture

Fuck You.

Wasn't it you, little dick, that was blowing guys for a job at Goldshit Sucks a year ago?

Take your piss-ant blog and ram it up your ass....

Amatuer....what a prick you must be IRL.....I normally slap the taste out of the mouths of total assholes....

Ran into one of your butt-buddies yesterday. An Obama taint licking fool. Spews the same shit as you do.

I made him look like a fool.

Your bogus bullshit is "anchored" by lies, asinine printing of "money", and other assorted horse shit and criminals.

Dr. Engali's picture

Looks like MDB caught him a big one.... Lol. Been here 4 years have ya? Don't worry, you'll catch on.

pods's picture

Back home we got a taxidermy man, he gonna have a heart attack when he sees what I brung em!

/Quint

Dr. Engali's picture

Is that you Pods or an impostor? You didn't sign off.  Don't go changing shit on me. I don't adapt well to change in my advanced years. ;->

pods's picture

lol. Sometimes I forget now, and sometimes I give due credit to a stellar quote.

:)

JamaicaJim's picture

Let me have my moments of rage, will ya TT and Doc.

I know the little prick supposedly writes "satire"

...but I just love ripping into anyone that spouts fucking nonsense.

It's good for me.

Tall Tom's picture

 

 

 

He writes SATIRE. He has been doing it for years. (This is an actual sub standard attempt and rather disappointing, actually. It is too incredible. I like the posts where he actually has me think.)

 

He mirrors what the Main Stream Media is spinning.

 

You got baited and you took the bait, the hook, the line, and the sinker.

 

Feel better now, after your emotional outburst? Good.

 

You will learn to control your emotions as you mature.

 

I understand that we are sinking in a cesspool of economic turmoil and financial despair.

 

It has all been by design.

 

I watched "The Purge: Anarchy" last night.

 

A comment left on the website extolled the "virtue" that the damages left in the city were "good" as they would "create jobs".

 

Perhaps it was snark. Perhaps not.

 

But I laughed my ass off at that Krugmanesque expressiion of illogical nonsense.

 

Laughing at this helps.

 

 

Tall Tom's picture

 

 

 

That is substandard post from you, MDB_

ejmoosa's picture

Then you will be even more excited by the prospects at the end of 2016, won't you?

 

http://ejmoosa.com/blog3/2016/04/08/corporate-profits-continuing-to-drop...

Theonewhoknows's picture
Theonewhoknows (not verified) MillionDollarBonus_ Apr 11, 2016 10:13 AM

Let me teach you basics from some time ago: "True that stocks when going down will create another Great Depression - especially with so many bubbles now in motion - this is why we have seen so many QEs. But they cannot just print their way into prosperity and share prices are not good indication of how the economy is doing because of how much money has been tunnelled into them after being printed. Check http://independenttrader.org/are-we-waiting-for-another-2008.html"

The new thing is war on cash (a result of inflationary debt escape) -  "Central banks spinning their bubblenomics carousel under BIS (Bank of International Settlements) will inflate their way out of developed world debt. You have seen it in the US with Yellen making her statements, with 'anti-slump' team intervening to provide support against stocks closing in the red or random blackouts at NYSE and others. The ECB with its helicopter money - oh Draghi gonna love this one. I gave up on Japan long time ago - after not learning one simpl elesson for 3 decades I don't even pity them. Now China will join the congo line http://independenttrader.org/war-on-cash-a-piece-of-a-bigger-puzzle.html"

Learn economics first - then try typing.  

 

monk27's picture

... It's exhausting trying to explain these things to the amateurs.
Then don't exaust yourself MDB, and spare us your "humorous" sermons which are getting lamer by the day. You sound like and old stand up comedian who missed his perfect moment to retire...

LoneStarHog's picture

MDB, thanks to you all of my weapon manufacturers are and have been soaring...No earnings recession/depression...You were so correct when you said everyone needs to buy MOAR WEAPONS...A Texas-size HAT TIP to you.

2muchtax's picture

1. Silly assumption. Things can certainly get worse.

2. If $4T worth of devaluation didn't work, why would more?

From your article:"White non-Hispanics are the most conservative ethnic group in America, and are thus typically the greatest obstacle to progress."

Let's see, internal combustion engine, industrial revolution, computers, etc. Yeah we're terrible at"progress".

BTW, name a more diverse country.

GOLDTRADERRR's picture

MILLIONDOLLARBONUS...

You HAVE TO BE a gub'mint disinformation troll because you're on the wrong side of every issue you post about.

What issues have you ever be correct about?

Please list just ONE issue with some substantiating proof via an article or other document.

http://goldtradercommentsaugust2010.blogspot.com/

Dr. Engali's picture

I keep saying that we are watching the largest leverage buyout in history.  

NoDebt's picture

Yep, it's all going private.  Why would you even need to tap public "markets" for capital if all the capital is already owned by you and your 12 best elititist buddies?  

Ghordius's picture

it's debtors... paying back debt. from the point of view of a treasury of a stock-listed corporation, stocks are debt, too

now, in a differently regulated environment, the same treasuries might be engaged into paying dividends out to the existing stock owners

(instead of holding cash out offshore and hoping that the US might regulate different the tax treatment for repatriation, for example)

(markets? it always depends how they are structured and regulated, either by participants themselves or by the state, regardless, they always have something of the kind)

fact is that many debtors are trying to get rid of whatever excess debt they have, and stock buy-backs are part of this picture

slightlyskeptical's picture

Stock buybacks do not reduce debt no matter how you try to spin it. In most cases they actually increase debt per share which gets magnified even more when comapnies borrow money to buy back stock. Buybacks should be banned as they are simply a windfall allowing execs to sell option granted stock. Pay out excess cash through dividends. Reverse split your stock if you want less shares.

Bendromeda Strain's picture

Congrats! That is the dumbest thing you have ever said. How many of these buybacks involved undervalued shares? The answer to that destroys your thesis.

BullyBearish's picture

Have these A$$holes EVER been this desperate?

Nero_Hedge's picture

The whole system operates on the assumption that people do not have a memory/attention span greater than 6 months...it has been correct for the most part so far

Dr. Engali's picture

Days? You're being too generous. It's more like...., squirrel! 

krispkritter's picture

Hmmm, squirrel.  It's what we'll be eating for dinner...

pods's picture

Think smaller and more legs.

/Krusty