From the youngest to the oldest nominee for best actress (Quvenzhane Wallis - 9 and Emmanuelle Riva - 85) to the relative money gambled on the outcomes, we thought it only appropriate to provide some education and information as this evening's self-congratulatory mutual masturbation begins. With TED scoring well in social media, hopes of an Angelina Jolie thigh-show high, and enough communal drinking-game directions to sink Seth MacFarlane, we hope this provides a little levity as the seriousness of Daniel Day-Lewis' method overwhelms.
The History of the Oscars...
The Oscars vs The Superbowl (from 2010)... (click image for large version)
And if social media was deciding (click image for visual via The UK's Daily Mirror)...
And finally, Esquire's always-classy drinking game ...
Drinking communally is one of the great innovations of the modern world. The Oscars, and awards-shows in general, are not. Filled with pomp, circumstance, and self-importance, they are only made bearable by the moments that really remind us of what the movies are all about — nostalgia, storytelling, honoring artists you know have worked hard and haven't sold their souls. For the rest, well, we'll get through it together. Here are some Eat Like a Man-approved beverages  to pair with your Best Picture nominees of choice and a few easy rules for participation.*
Drink this if you're rooting for...
- Amour — The best red wine you can find .
- Argo — Canadian  Club.
- Beasts of the Southern Wild — Smirnoff, warm.
- Django Unchained — A brain-duster .
- Les Misérables — French vermouth and cura¸ao .
- Life of Pi — Mao-tai, if you can find it .
- Lincoln — Coke (in honor of his teetotaling) or Old Crow Whiskey (his general's favorite) .
- Silver Linings Playbook — Victory Prima Pils  (from Philly ).
- Zero Dark Thirty — A stiff dark and stormy .
Take a sip if...
- The camera cuts to someone Seth MacFarlane just insulted.
- Daniel Day-Lewis speaks.
- You find yourself admiring Ben Affleck's beard.
- You find yourself admiring Dustin Hoffman's beard.
- You find yourself admiring Joaquin Phoenix's beard.
- You find yourself admiring Jennifer Lawrence .
- Tom Cruise bares his teeth .
- Tarantino smirks.
- Kathryn Bigelow's lithe arms  make an appearance (one for each arm).
- The sound and visual-effect awards go by and you fail to notice
- An actress is described as "lovely."
- They start playing the "time's up" music on any winner at or below the Best Supporting Actor/Actress level.
- The camera pans to Angelina Jolie looking beatific.
- The camera catches Steven Spielberg looking smarmy.
- Angelina Jolie is snuggling Brad Pitt.
Take a gulp if...
- Angelina and Brad don't show up.
- Any reference is made to Ar-Go-Fk-Yourself.
- Tom Cruise had something better to do that night.
- Jennifer Lawrence gets on stage.
- Adele totally owns "Skyfall."
- Norah Jones totally owns that Ted song.
- The "Celebration of Musicals" presentation sucks.
- Seth MacFarlane does a Stewie impression.
- If Joaquin Phoenix shows up without a beard.
- You haven't seen any of the foreign nominees.
- The words "stiff competition" are used when they pan across the nominees for Best Supporting Actor (De Niro…Jones…Arkin…).
- If the presenter can't pronounce Quvenzhané.
- If Day-Lewis shows up wearing anything remotely reminiscent of Abe Lincoln.
- If Beyonce's there.
- Someone pulls a Pesci .
- They start playing the "time's up" music on any winner at or above the Best Actor/Actress level.
- Someone thanks Harvey Weinstein (multiple gulps if necessary) .
Down the whole bottle if...
- Michael Haneke pulls a Roberto Benigni .
- Anyone drops a statue.
- Quvenzhané Wallis wins Best Actress.
- The Master doesn't win anything, because, come on — Amy Adams!
Down the whole bottle, break it over your head, and forget the whole thing if...
- Les Misérables wins.
- Life of Pi wins.
- If Hugh Jackman wins.
- If Hugh Jackman sings.
*Esquire does not condone binge drinking. (Unless Benh Zeitlin wins Best Director, because at that point, why not?)