Confused by the litany of threats, palliatives, urgings, promises and outright lies just uttered by the German's finmin wheelchair maestro? Fear not for we are here to explain it all:
- SCHAEUBLE SAYS IT'S A "SERIOUS SITUATION" - Which as Juncker told us, means "you have to lie."
- SCHAEUBLE SAYS GERMANY REGRETS CYPRUS DECISION - Cyprus regrets the German regret
- SCHAEUBLE SAYS CYPRUS WILL GET NO MONEY IF THEY DONT ACCEPT OUR OFFERS - Unless Russia and China submit their own better "offers"
- SCHAEUBLE SAYS CREDITORS HAVE TO BE INVOLVED WHEN THERE IS AN INSOLVENCY - They usually are, and usually end up with nothing or just more than nothing
- SCHAEUBLE SAYS NO ONE EXCEPT CYPRUS IS TO BLAME FOR ITS CURRENT SITUATION - Likewise for its creditors
- SCHAEUBLE SAYS CYPRUS GOVT THINKS WITH ITS DECISION IT CAN ATTRACT LARGE INVESTORS TO CYPRUS IN FUTURE - Russia is happy that Germany thinks it is large
- SCHAEUBLE SAYS CYPRUS'S "BUSINESS MODEL" DOESN'T WORK ANY MORE, RATINGS AGENCY HAVE DOWNGRADED TO JUNK LEVEL - Italy and Spain's business models are therefore about to break next
- SCHAEUBLE SAYS 2 LARGE CYPRUS BANKS ARE ESSENTIALLY INSOLVENT WITHOUT HELP - All large banks are insolvent without help
- SCHAEUBLE SAYS HE THINKS CYPRUS MUST ACT QUICKLY, THERE ISN'T ENOUGH TIME TO WAIT UNTIL JUNE - And certainly not until September when the German elections are
- SCHAEUBLE SAYS EURO ZONE IS MUCH MORE STABLE THAN PREVIOUSLY - sell first bullet