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BANZAI7 NEWS–Still reeling from the aftermath of Snow Jam 2014, Atlanta Police put aside winter weather preparation this morning, shifting gears to what is now being referred to as “Snowcockalypse,” or “Dong Jam 2014.” The APD put out an all call for a criminal they are calling “The Penis Ben-dit,” whose alleged activities have put him on the top of their priority list.
Known in the Spanish-speaking areas of town as El Penis Ben-didto, the vandal trawled our white-laced city drawing what APD Major Richard Wanker described as “large, phallic images on snow-covered cars.”
One man whose car was vandalized described the images as “big ole Keynesian dicks on my car, yo!”
While there is no description of the bandit, the Atlanta Police said to be on the lookout for a specific type of person and to call 911 if you see him, or suspect you might have a lead. But the APD also warns not against approaching this individual, as they could be armed, economically delusional, or worse…attempt to draw a penis on you.
The vandal or vandals will meet the following description:
Walks outside
PhD
Likely wears some sort of mask or makeshift neck warmer (scarf)
Has 15 fingers
Draws dicks on cars
Looks like a dick
Chronically maladjusted Keynesian
h/t Atlanta Banana: http://www.atlbanana.com/apd-begins-crackdown-on-snowcockalypse/ [2]