The GoldManchurian Candidate

When it comes to reporting about important issues, anonymity has no place. You wouldn't trust a calculator's opinion of what 2+2 equals without knowing what brand it was, right? Same goes for financial journalism.

Quite a few stories in the real press lately have been speculating about who Tyler Durden and his minions at ZeroHedge are, what their background is and what their motivations might be. One blogger has even demanded that Tyler Durden "disaggregate" himself. (Which, I found out from the dictionary, doesn't mean what I thought it meant.) Since it's high time this issue were addressed, and there's a better chance of Ben Bernanke knowing precisely when to turn the spigot off than there is of anyone at ZH addressing it, I've decided to end the mystery.

Now I'm less concerned with whether Mr. "Durden" is in fact Daniel Ivandjiiski, as one newspaper known for its high standards of journalism has speculated based on anonymous sources, than I am with what his real agenda is. (After all, what's in a name? Although this particular name sounds pretty communistic, if you ask me.)

The truth, it turns out, is much more sinister than any conspiracy theorist could have imagined. According to several high-placed sources whose identities cannot be disclosed for undisclosable reasons, Tyler Durden is actually an unwitting Goldman Sachs operative. A former securities public interest advocate, Durden was kidnapped and held captive in the inner sanctum of 85 Broad Street, where he was brainwashed and activated as a company stooge soon after the economy experienced its self-confidence breakdown late last year. His mission: to steadily gain credibility by posing as a critic of the financial establishment until, at the most opportune moment, he is to use his influence to advance Goldman's interests. After all, what better cover for a pro-Goldman lackey than an anti-Goldman rebel?

And Durden is not alone. My sources tell me that Goldman has similarly programmed dozens of others around the country to secretly do its bidding, including the founder of GoldmanSachs666 and Jessica Simpson.

So the next time you read some unflattering fact about Goldman on ZeroHedge, don't be fooled. It's all just a ruse designed to make Goldman look bad, so that Goldman can come out looking good. So beat Goldman at its own game: use double-reverse psychology and believe it.