By now it is well-known that the bulk of the SEC's budget is spent on maintaining internet bandwidth to ensure that its 80286-based computers can cope with the terabytes of daily internet porn downloaded by its employees. In light of the need by the SEC to buckle up in preperation for the critical lawsuit against Goldman, which will make or break the agency, Bill Singer of Broke and Broker has come up with a simple list of several Standard Operating Procedures that the agency's employees must adhere to if they hope to have a job next year.We agree with his recommendations wholeheartedly.
REPORT OF SELF-APPOINTED CONSULTANT BILL SINGER
From: Bill Singer
To: SEC Chair Mary Schapiro
Date: April 23, 2010
RE: Allegations of Staff Porn Surfing: Proposed Remedies by Consultant
It has come to my attention that members of the SEC's Staff may be operating under a misimpression concerning a number of industry terms. Please ensure that the following expressions are properly explained to your Staff:
- Initial Public Offering: this is not the first sexual experience with a prostitute.
- Indication of Interest: this is not the negotiation of price with a prostitute
- Private Placement: this is not a consensual sex act between adults
- Regular Way Settlement: this is not the missionary position
- Pump And Dump: this is not an aberrant sex act
- The Spread: this is not something viewed at a peep show
- The Quiet Period: this is not the post-coital moment
- Breaking Escrow: this is not to be called the "money shot"
- Naked Short: this is not an undressed male Staffer on a cold day
- Self Regulator: this is an employee of FINRA not masturbation
- Secondary Offering: this is not a repeat sex act courtesy of Viagra
The SEC must immediately cancel any contemplated seminars with the Thailand securities authorities. This would not be a good time for Staff to be visiting Bangkok. In fact, the SEC should avoid any reference to that city whatsoever.
The SEC must immediately implement a policy that requires all Staff to use both hands on their computer keyboards at all times. Similarly, the SEC should provide Handi-Wipes for all visitors in the event that there is customary handshaking with Staff.
In response to growing reports of Staff vision problems and hairy palms, the SEC should expand its medical coverage to provide treatment for those maladies.