Presenting The Upcoming Bestseller: Quantitative Ponzinomics For Dummies

Soon appearing on the Bernie Madoff Book to the Month club:


Why is Global Ponzinomics such a hot topic? Here's why, courtesy of world leaders who just can't get enough:


January 28, 2009



The following are excerpts from today's surprise panel discussion:

KLAUS SCHWAB: Distinguished guests, today we have arranged a surprise panel to lead us through the cutting edge of Global Ponzinomics. As you all know, the modern day version of Ponzinomics has its origins on Wall Street. I know you are all keen to hear directly from the leaders of Wall Street as well as the regulators all of whom made this remarkable feat of financial wizardry possible. The organisers of the Forum have spared no expense in bringing you a first rate panel. I would like to thank the United States Marshall Service for its cooperation in making it possible for Mr. Madoff to attend the Forum. That is a custom designed Cartier bailout bracelet Bernie is wearing. It is designed to explode if he gets within 50 yards of any UBS Branch in Davos. Mr. Madoff requires no introduction. His genius and modesty is well known. We thought it would be appropriate for Bernie to lead today's panel discussion. At this time I would also like to thank Citigroup for providing special air transport services to bring the panel participants straight to Davos on such short notice. Without further delay, I turn the discussion over to Bernie.

BERNIE MADOFF: "I would like to express my sincere gratitude to many of the participants in this forum. Without their undying support for so many years, my achievements would not have been possible. They deserve much of the credit for making the modern paradigm of this fascinating art possible. As you all know, Ponzinomics were invented by Charles Ponzi some 100 years ago. Who would have thought that the genius of this humble man would become the driving force behind today's global financial markets. Dick, before I forget, would you please be good enough give me the number of that Real Estate lawyer in Palm Beach."

DICK FULD: "We thought we had all the bases covered. We were hedged up the wazoo. I was certain that we managed to make ourselves too big to fail. In the end I was wrong. I underestimated the financial tsunami of 2008. My big mistake was not finding a way to put a Lehman banker in the Treasury Department. Lloyd you snookered me on that one."

JOHN THAIN: "I would like to start by saying three things: First, I have posted my French Commode along with my resume on Craig's list and, Second, Ken you can take that faux hand Grenade sitting on your desk and shove it you know where. As we shall see, BAC is one big live hand grenade and Ken has already pulled the pin, Third, can anyone tell me where I can find a reputable antique dealer in Davos? Oh, and one more thing, Stan O Neal owes me my bonus."

KEN LEWIS: "John, you and I both know that I'm the CEO of BAC and you are not. You did not jump on the bailout hand grenade like a good bailout soldier. For this you must suffer the consequences. If this is not good enough, I will meet you on the top of the Weissfluhgipfel at O-700 hours for a Chinese downhill. The downhill will decide everything."

HANK GREENBERG: "You are all a bunch of rascals, give me back my Company so I can lose it fairly!"

LLOYD BLANKFEIN: "As I have said on many occasions, the Goldman investment banking model remains sound. We concentrated our efforts on putting men of Gold in the halls of power. This has paid off handsomely. Hank Paulsen saved us from the AIG explosion. The primary purpose of TARP was to save Goldman Sachs and this goal was achieved magnificently. Hopefully, the hiccups we are experiencing will dissappear in due course. Then we can all get back to business as usual."

VIKRAM PANDIT: "In response to yesterday's negative press we have decided to divide the Citigroup jet fleet into two halves consisting of good jets and bad jets..."

JIMMIE CAYNE: "Anyone know where I can find a decent bridge game around here?"

STEPHEN SCHWARZMAN: As you all know, I am CEO of the Flintstone Group, a humongous (2big) financial (systemic) juggernaut ready to (fail) implode (risk). I don't mean to sound self serving or pedantic, but the reason we are in this mess is very simple, not enough leverage. Remember--Flintstone Group, not enough leverage, systemic risk.

PHIL GRAMM: "If we could just stop all the whining."


BOB RUBIN: "Shut up Al, your giving me a headache."

CHRISTOPHER COX: "I just did what I was told to do."

VLAD PUTIN: Gentlemans, you are all cordially invited to spend a few days with my Dacha in Chita Sibera, following this Summit. We Russians would like to thank you (the Russian way) for the financial Chernobyl engineered by your kind selves and the damage to Vodkanomics.


Courtesy of William Banzai