To the staff:
Folks, I know everyone was excited about cashing in on our upcoming public offering, but it looks like this whole “profitability” craze is here to stay, at least for a while. We’re going to have to delay the IPO. Believe me, I am as disappointed as you are. I’d already picked out four private islands! Which technically would have been—yes—my own archipelago. Sigh.
In the meantime, we’re going to have to tighten up until this businesses-should-make-money fad blows over. Here are some company-wide decisions, effective immediately:
After great consideration, we are going to sell the private jets. This is a decision that is both symbolic and practical. It was not a good look for us to own a fleet of Gulfstreams. It was especially not a good look for us to fly them to Rome for Thursday pizza nights.
We are also going to sell the company elephant, Bobo. We all loved him, and he was fantastic at staff birthday parties, but Bobo was becoming a bit of a distraction in the office. And let’s face it: the smell.
Our founder has emailed to ask that you no longer refer to him as Supreme Genius Being of Gaia. He’s back to being Dennis.
Also: Dennis’s 2020 independent presidential campaign has NOT ended. It’s simply “suspended.” (Admittedly, I do think Dennis got a little bored and forgot he was running.)
Remember, Dennis is still in month three of a two-year executive vow of silence, so do not expect a verbal response from him on any of these topics.
Those of you who “borrowed” a company Bugatti from the company Bugatti share, please return it ASAP.
We need to put a good public face on our situation. If a stranger mentions the IPO delay and asks you what our company is really about, take a good look at the their footwear. If they’re wearing dress shoes, say “we’re a revenue-based subscription model.” If they’re wearing sneakers, it’s still OK to say “we’re a lifestyle brand.”
I don’t know what a “lifestyle brand” is, either, but if you get stuck, just say “it’s like Nike meets Netflix.”
If they keep asking questions, just run and hide behind a tall plant.
Really, all you need to know is this: We are not launching a chain of fast-casual vegan restaurants on the moon in November. It’s delayed indefinitely.
Same goes for the cat yoga studios. We’ll workshop those internally, with stuffed cats.
There will no longer be a manager’s retreat in Gstaad, Switzerland. It will be at Applebee’s.
We are not going to be breaking ground on HQ 2.0. Wall Street did not seem terribly enthused with Dennis’s idea for a Frank Gehry-designed underwater office building with a private missile defense system and a dolphin launch.
Playing beer pong on Friday afternoon is still OK. But please stop playing Pappy Van Winkle 23 pong. And no more Ortolan Wednesdays.
I regret the Rolling Stones will not be playing the Holiday Party, as previously announced. Instead, it will be Side Door, the band Dennis’s son founded with his teammates on the USC crew team.
Ashton Kutcher is STILL visiting the office on Tuesday. Smiles, everyone! And zipped lips about Bobo. Bobo loved Ashton.
Last but not least, and you probably saw this coming, but we will not be furnishing company logo fleece vests for the winter.
I know this stresses some of you out. Because of this, we will be returning carbohydrates to the cafeteria.