Submitted by Daniel Drew of Dark Bid
Bill Ackman Goes Full Suze Orman, Makes Financial Instructional Video
Want to learn about the stock market? Now you can learn to invest like a pro from Bill Ackman himself. The hedge fund manager discusses fundamentals like reasonable valuations, limited debt, and high barriers to entry. But he forgot to include some of the finer points of investing, such as market manipulation, insider trading, regulatory capture, and fleecing your investors. Fortunately, we have created some additional bullet points to help Ackman's audience understand how to do business on Wall Street.
Here is Ackman explaining the "Keys To Successful Investing."
Now, we present the Ackman Appendix, which appears to have been surgically removed from the presentation with unfortunate consequences:
1. Invest in public companies - only if an acquirer tips you off first.
2. It doesn't matter how the company makes money if you can front run the public.
3. Forget reasonable prices. Just buy thousands of call options before the upcoming bid announcement.
4. Who cares if the company implodes next year - as long as you exercise your call options before then.
5. Find a company with limited debt, and then increase the debt to buy back shares.
6. Look for wide loopholes to entry. Hire a former SEC lawyer to help you find them.
7. Invest in a company immune to extrinsic factors like prosecution - or bet against one that is not immune, and conduct an extensive marketing campaign to prove they are crooks.
8. Invest in a company with low reinvestment costs; use call options to compound your front-running gains.
9. Never invest in a business with a controlling shareholder. They might sell you an IPO for $3 billion, and when it tanks 12% off the open, they'll say, "The stock is down, which is good. If it went up, we'd have sold it too low."
10. Always tip off your friends after you insider trade so they can get in on the action.