Game Over Theranos: Elizabeth Holmes' Personal Assistant Quits

The writing on the wall for Theranos has been clear for months, but it was only last night that the endgame started in earnest when the WSJ reported that the company itself effectively admitted its technology was a fraud, when it said it would restate and void two years of blood test results, and admitted that "some patients have received erroneous results that might have thrown off health decisions made with their doctors," a sufficient admission for an endless barrage of civil and criminal lawsuits.

And nowhere is the endgame more visible than in the following LinkedIn posting as of 13 hours ago, which confirms that none other than Elizabeth Holmes own executive assistant has resigned and the company is trying to find a replacement for "executive assistant to the CEO."

Here are the job requirements:

REQUIREMENTS

 

2-4+ years of PA experience, preferably for top-level executive or high profile individual/family.

 

Valid driver's license and a safe driving record.

 

Adaptable to a dynamic environment.

 

Strong dedication, loyalty and unwavering integrity.

 

Exceptional professionalism, communication and interpersonal skills.

 

Acute attention to accuracy and detail in all aspects of responsibilities.

 

Ability to work well with all parties in the executive office.

We get the interpersonal skills: after all there will be a lot of lawyers and Feds visiting soon, but why the integrity? If anything, that will only destroy anyone's career at that company.

Also: where is the "paper shredding like a ninja" requirement?

To those desperate enough to apply for the position, our condolences: there is a great than 50% chance the company, which describes itself as follows:

Our mission is to make actionable health information accessible to people everywhere in the world at the time it matters, enabling early detection and intervention of disease, and empowering individuals with information to live the lives they want to live.

 

At Theranos, we're working to shape the future of lab testing. Now, for the first time, our high-complexity CLIA-certified laboratory can perform your tests quickly and accurately on samples as small as a single drop.

... will not be around long enough to make even one salary payment.