Friday Humor: New Financial Report Finds Economy "Invincible Forever" This Time

WASHINGTON - Citing leading economic indicators for its robust forecast of the nation’s fiscal climate, a new report released Tuesday by the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis found that the prevailing financial expansion will only continue and the economy will be invincible forever this time.

“All available data tell us that the once-cyclical nature of the markets has stabilized, and the booming economic growth, low unemployment rates, and manageably slow rates of inflation that the country is currently enjoying are, in fact, unalterable and permanent,” said Herman Dale, lead author of the study.

Dale noted that all marketplace uncertainty and instability are now behind us, as the current metastable economy will generate hundreds of thousands of new jobs and solid returns on all investments for the foreseeable future.

“Americans can have complete confidence in obtaining mortgages, opening small businesses, and starting families, as this endless growth bubble is utterly unburstable.

In fact, if everyone threw their money into stocks right now during our perpetual bull market, we’d all be millionaires in just a few short years.”

At press time, Dale and his team retracted the report upon discovering a miscalculation and realizing the economy is actually on the brink of a devastating tailspin that will sink the entire country into a decades-long recession.

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To all those who took this seriously, our apologies: it is indeed impossible to separate the real from the absurd anymore. The source is, of course, The Onion

Comments

Quantify Yukon Cornholius Fri, 05/25/2018 - 16:29 Permalink

I have to say the economy is likely fine. Its the government and its socialist polices that are fucking everyone. Printing money and giving it to ghetto rats, illegals, foreign governments that hate us and propping up failed companies in the name of false green energy has robbed the nation. And wars fought without trying to win, is also a huge waste of time. If America truly wants to help the world, call a spade a spade. Islam is a ideology for conquest and should be treated just like communism. Pin prick strikes on cells of terrorists could go on for a century or more. Like the multi-headed headed hydra, a single head chopped off will only grow back likely with even more heads reappearing. Execute, deport, isolate and destroy Islam with extreme prejudice. 

In reply to by Yukon Cornholius

jmack Fri, 05/25/2018 - 15:45 Permalink

I remember the dotcom crash, and people making the argument that "it is different this time"  trying to say that the new tech of computers were increasing productivity so much and so fast, that the old business cycle was dead.

 

     I think there is a point at which the volume of articles and discussions in media outlets about "why the market will continue upward" becomes a tell that the market is about to tank hard.  I cant really quantify it, but I am sure someone out there that is scraping twitter and media articles and quantifying everything with a bot, have it nailed down pretty close.

DingleBarryObummer jmack Fri, 05/25/2018 - 15:50 Permalink

The GBO (globalist bankster oligarchs) extract wealth most efficiently with the pump and dump boom/bust cycle, so that's what we've gotten.

“This Act establishes the most gigantic trust on earth.…When the President signs this Act, the invisible government by the Money Power, proven to exist by the Money Trust Investigation, will be legalized.…The money power overawes the legislative and executive forces of the Nation and of the States. I have seen these forces exerted during the different stages of this bill.…” (Congressman Charles A. Lindbergh, referring to the act which established the Federal Reserve. Congressional Record, Vol. 51, p. 1446. December 22, 1913.)

“The new law will create inflation whenever the trusts want inflation. From now on depressions will be scientifically created.” (Congressman Charles A. Lindbergh, after the passage of the Federal Reserve act 1913.)

The only thing that might be different now is if the GBO are planning on switching to a new global currency, but they will probably still do another 1 or 2 recession cycles before that.

In reply to by jmack

Griffin Fri, 05/25/2018 - 15:53 Permalink

If by chance we have a mild spell of credit events in the near future, they can be packaged into structured investment vehicles and sold to the nearest sucker.

cougar_w Fri, 05/25/2018 - 16:00 Permalink

I feel sorry for the lads at The Onion. It's probably getting harder every day to come up with "convincing" fiction that doesn't make you scratch your head and wonder if they've become a bona fide news aggregator instead. New stable plateau with no down-side risk in sight? Yeah I hear that all the time from just about every other MSM outlet.

the Dood Fri, 05/25/2018 - 16:10 Permalink

Just like it was when Nixon demanded the Fed to keep rates low. I keep waiting for Trump to go after the Fed like all you "End the Fed" nutters want him to. 

rejected Fri, 05/25/2018 - 16:12 Permalink

All available data tell us that the once-cyclical nature of the markets has stabilized, and the booming economic growth,..."

Just went to Sears this morning (Pensacola FL) and witnessed the 'booming growth' first hand.  Big sign "STORE CLOSING!"

What a sad thing. Went through the tools to see if there were any American made left,,,, None. Lampert really did a number on them.

Booming Economy.....NOT!

 

adonisdemilo Fri, 05/25/2018 - 16:43 Permalink

Reminds me of Gordon Brown (useless economic theorist in Tony-war criminal- Blair's Government) who bragged that he had gotten rid of the horrors of "boom and bust".

He certainly got rid of the boom and the ensuing bust got rid of him, thank the Lord.

stefan-coast Fri, 05/25/2018 - 16:54 Permalink

safeway grocery store had three (3) openings at minimum wage....270 people showed up...every age from young to old...and here in Salem, Oregon, Nordstroms closed down, so the entire Salem Center Mall is about to close...just saying....just sharing what I see...Gas here is $3.25 a gallon and that is the cheapest, some places are $3.40+

hanekhw Fri, 05/25/2018 - 17:18 Permalink

Please. The wealth of a nation is in its people and, knowing that, expect the U.S. to be significantly poorer and less developed in twenty years. Life expectancy has declined every year these past three years. Short term events and policies will not have any impact on the inevitable decline.

ThrowAwayYourTV Fri, 05/25/2018 - 19:29 Permalink

No! The article is 100% correct. Look out your window folks! A new infestation of bag carrying parasites has begun. Its called, "Drunken screaming hysterical laughter day. I mean, "Memorial Day."

BetterRalph Fri, 05/25/2018 - 20:03 Permalink

On a LONG TIME-LINE,  RUSS 2K vs Gold

RUSS 2K: 1629.23
    GOLD: 1301.ish.. 

To ME, that's the nasty joke.

Gold and Silver is supposed to be the manupulated by the SENATE, oh wait that's not what they swore an oath to.

francis scott … Fri, 05/25/2018 - 20:59 Permalink

Well, the  U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis must have it from the Fed

that the stock market will continue to be manipulated higher until Wall

Street is attacked by hypersonic missiles.

 

That's okay with me.