"Buff My Balls": Beto O'Rourke Wrote Creepy Poems; Joined Old School "Slaughterhouse" Hacker Group

There's more to Robert Francis "Beto" O'Rourke (D-TX) than just cultural appropriation, a DUI and allegations of being a furry.

O'Rourke, 46, acknowledged in an exclusive Reuters interview that he belonged to the oldest group of computer hackers in U.S. history - the Cult of the Dead Cow. 

YOUNGER DAYS: Beto O’Rourke, left, in a photo of his band, Foss. Texas Republicans also tweeted out what appears to be a police mug shot of the Texas Democrat. Handout via Texas GOP Twitter

Named after an abandoned Texas slaughterhouse, the "Hacktivist" group made headlines for developing tools that let ordinary people hack computers running Microsoft Windows. 

Members of the group have protected O’Rourke’s secret for decades, reluctant to compromise his political viability. Now, in a series of interviews, CDC members have acknowledged O’Rourke as one of their own. In all, more than a dozen members of the group agreed to be named for the first time in a book about the hacking group by this reporter that is scheduled to be published in June by Public Affairs. O’Rourke was interviewed early in his run for the Senate. -Reuters

Reuters notes that there's no indication O'Rourke ever actually did any hardcore hacking - such as "breaking into computers or writing code that enabled others to do so," however the notion of an ex-hacker running for national office may strike some as extremely controversial - or very cool (though not exactly Zero Cool). 

O’Rourke was a misfit teen in El Paso, Texas, in the 1980s when he decided to seek out bulletin board systems – the online discussion forums that at the time were the best electronic means for connecting people outside the local school, church and neighborhood.

“When Dad bought an Apple IIe and a 300-baud modem and I started to get on boards, it was the Facebook of its day,” he said. “You just wanted to be part of a community.” -Reuters

O'Rourke eventually started his own message board, TacoLand, which was mostly about punk music. "This was the counterculture: Maximum Rock & Roll [magazine], buying records by catalog you couldn’t find at record stores," said O'Rourke. 

Creepy poems

Around 1988, O'Rourke posted several strange writings under the handle "Psychedelic Warlord." In one, he fantasized about taking pleasure in murdering children by running them over with a car

"As I neared the young ones, I put all my weight on my right foot, keeping the accelerator pedal on the floor until I heard the crashing of the two children on the hood, and then the sharp cry of pain from one of the two. I was so fascinated for a moment, that when after I had stopped my vehicle, I just sat in a daze, sweet visions filling my head," wrote O'Rourke. 

In another writing - a poem called "THE SONG OF THE COW," O'Rourke worships a ball-buffing, butt-shining, ass-waxing cow that provides "milky wonder." 


I need a butt-shine

Right now

Your are holy,

Oh, sacred cow

I thirst for you, 

Provide Milk


Buff my balls,

Love the Cow,

Good fortune for those that do.

Love me, breathe my feet,

The Cow has risen. 

Wax my ass, 

Scrub my balls

The Cow has risen,

Provide Milk. 


Oh, Milky winder, sing for us once more

Live your life, everlusting joy. 

Thrust your hooves up my analytic passage,

Enjoy my fruits


Provider of Cheese and other wonderful dairy products,

We will cleanse your inner intestines.

We will bathe in your Pungent Odor

Gather cotton.


Count my eyes,

Smell my skin,

Love the Scarecrow and the Milkman.

I live only for eternity,

Thirst for the undrinkable.

Hold the heat,

Praise the dough boy at the pizza shop.

Love the Oxen dung!

And now, Beto stands before us, "Powered by people" on his way to the Democratic primaries - and, if he gets his way, the Oval Office.