Blain's Morning Porridge, submitted by Bill Blain
"I have not failed, I’ve just found another way that doesn’t work..."
For Non-British readers who are perhaps unfamiliar with the complexities of British Parliamentary procedure and don’t understand the latest confubbelings of the Brexit Debate – let me try to explain in a concise and clear manner the latest moves in this complex and fascinating game of going absolutely nowhere. We do hope you are enjoying the show, and that it doesn’t put you off visiting sometime soon.
Last night the Speaker of the House of Commons launched his Quaffle – which is allowed under parliamentary rules laid down in 1604 – effectively telling Premier Theresa May: “you can’t keep voting on the same motion you already lost.” May’s lawyer will stutter something about that being a Pre-Guy Fawkes rule and therefore out of play till after Easter, and she can still play her Community Chest card and collect £200 as she passes go.
Now some people might be slightly confused by the use of the Quaffle, but it's designed to overcome any thoughts that politics can be reduced to a game of brinksmanship – therefore it rules out anyone voting against something impossible last week then voting for the same thing as possible this week because nothing has changed. Clear?
Later today, the minister for the 17th Centure, Jacob Rees-Mogg, will set free his Bludger, explaining that following the extraordinary precedent established in 1649 and the beheading of Charles the First, then its constitutionally requited for The Speaker to declare Britain will now leave with a No Deal vote. We don’t actually have a constitution, but Mr Mogg will explain that if we did, it would probably say something like that..
Unfortunately, under the rules established by the treaty of Rannoch in 1716, setting free a Bludger gives the Scots an automatic right to a lightly opposed Jacobite Rebellion. Since no one really wants bludgeoned to death with a blunt claymore anymore, the SNP will be seeking advice as to giving Jacobite uprisings legal equivalency to a new referendum on Independence. At this point its entirely possible some band of flag-waving wandering Remoaners will demand they should also get a second (best of three) referendum, because if they don’t then its unfair and will make them cry. The DUP from Norn Iron will invade Kamchatka via Alaska - which is the only way to win Risk.
Later this afternoon, the second house of the UK parliament – the as yet unconsulted House of Lords (which comprises of people who are there by dint of great-mummy or daddy sucking up a king, having previously failed as MPs, or simply because they’ve paid a lot of money to political parties (not bribes, definitely not bribes)) will set free their Golden Snitch to register their upset and complaint that no has listening to them yet, and they’ve got lots of interesting things to say. The Golden Snitch, pretty much like the House of Lords, is something of an irrelevance, and I can’t quite remember what it’s for.
Meanwhile, in Europe, Nigel Farage will be taking out the Hungarians for a “proper lunch” in order to persuade them to say “No Extension.”
With classic British understatement, the Solicitor General, Robert Buckland told the BBC: “Frankly we could have done without this…”
I hope that’s made it all clear? If not don’t call me