Uranus Rising

From the Slope of Hope:

Mark your calendar. It's finally happened. Public thought with respect to equities has finally jumped the shark in a way that was scarcely imaginable a few years ago. I present to you the latest financial app, Bull & Moon.

Assuming you just read the graphic, you already know just about everything you need to know about this tool to help you make superior investment decisions.

But what app these days is complete with its own white paper? And it's a white paper because, let's face it, the words can be (i) printed on paper (ii) which is white. Not just that, it starts with a faux-sophisticated academic-sounding title. Viz:

Personally, my respect for academic papers is magnified when the author's email address starts with ayyyyyyy. In any case, this rigorously-vetted paper lays out, thesaurus clearly at the ready, the rationale for this app's existence and why its "efficacy" should be respected:

Word on the street is that "person-like entities" was inserted close to publication in order to include Adam Neumann.

In case you don't actually read the paper - - that is, the white paper - - it sports a sample size of one person over the course of an entire quarter of stock market data. They introduce their willing participant, Greenberg, who, due to his being a Leo, is a "natural born investor". A wise choice, as the assertion that "Greenbergs are natural born investors" surely would have created an uproar in our already tumultuous public discourse.

In any case, Greenberg, being a Leo, is apparently romanticized as king of the jungle. I can't speak for you, dear reader, but I can attest to my own romanticization of Mr. Greenberg and his feline mannerisms.

Our feline friend expresses his initial skepticism yet notes that it was swept aside when, astrological science now deployed, he experienced a great improvement in his love life. The white paper thoughtfully states that, comprehensive as their study is, it should not be relied upon for social effects of astrology, and that should you seek further depth in this area, kindly refer to the writings of Nostradamus. No, I am not making this up.

But we're not here to learn who Greenberg is boinking. We want to learn how he cashed in on those sweet, sweet planetary alignments. Thus, the paper lays out a variety of common stocks and their own relationship to, in this case, a Leo. It isn't stated how the astrological alignment of a security is established, but some broad hints are dropped that it is related to a company's physical location and its line of business.

So how'd Greenberg do? Great! For whatever reason, the six stocks below were picked for our Leo, and he knocked it out of the park. The paper emphasizes the "4x" return which, understandably, it finds an exciting enough result to urge further studies, even more exhaustive than this examination of randomly picking stocks for one person for a single quarter.

I would also like to quietly mention that this white paper, written by one person, whose test subject was the same person, was crafted long after the stock market results were already posted. By no means am I suggesting that these stocks were not selected beforehand, but it does get me to thinking about how I put my entire net worth into AAPL and AMZN in March 2009 based on my grandfather reporting to me how his joint pain was particularly acute. But I digress.

Not satisfied to contain itself to mere stock trading, the white paper casts its gaze to the horizon and suggests other areas where astrological derring-do may be deployed, such as choosing your career and deciding who to hire at your company. And think of the interesting lawsuits that would spring forth after your HR department turns away droves of otherwise qualified candidates who had the misfortune of being born Virgos.

Seriously, it's fairly evident that the "investing" world, if we dare call it that, has lost its collective mind, particularly since the majority of those who fancy themselves stock traders these days have never seen a bear market that lasted longer than three days.

I must tip my hat, however, to the one morsel of the Bull & Moon site which states a truth which may not be overstated for anyone following this program's counsel: