Future Headline: Oakland Police Advise Residents To "Appear As Poor As Possible"

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by Tyler Durden
Saturday, Aug 12, 2023 - 10:30 PM

Authored by Simon Black via,

In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.

“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path.

While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.

August 11, 2024: WeWork announces it can barely afford to hand out free tequila anymore

It was just one year ago that WeWork, a company which provides co-working space, said “losses and negative cash flows from operating activities raise substantial doubt” that it could stay in business.

At the time it reported about $3 billion in long term debt and $13 billion in long-term lease obligations, yet a market cap of just $390 million— down more than 99% from its $47 billion valuation back in 2019.

The co-working space became famous for its cushy and stylish office spaces, which included such perks as handing out free tequila to members.

It later became infamous when it’s founder and then CEO Adam Neumann benefited personally at the expense of shareholders.

This included borrowing money from the company to buy office space, only to lease that office space back to the company at a profit.

He also sold off hundreds of millions of dollars worth of his own shares while simultaneously convincing investors to put money in the company. Yet despite selling his shares, he awarded himself special rights to be able to out-vote everyone else, cementing his control over the company.

Neumann even sold the rights to the word ‘We’ to the company for $6 million, which was the final straw for investors.

After Neumann was ousted as CEO (but not before collecting a $185 million consulting fee), the company attempted to turn things around.

However one thing that has remained non-negotiable is providing free tequila to members.

Last week shareholders desperately begged management to stop the tequila from flowing.

But the current CEO said this will be the hill the company dies on.

“I can assure you that the very last dollar of investor funds will be spent on handing out free tequila to our members.”

He explained that while this may sound ridiculous from the outside, “the company’s core mission has always been to ‘elevate the world’s consciousness,’”  as it explained in a 2019 SEC filing before a failed IPO.

He further explained that apart from the company’s online reservation system, it’s tequila dispensing machines were the core aspect of the company’s “extensive technology” it also gushed about in previous SEC filings.

“Without the free tequila, we’re just an office space company that has wasted tens of billions of dollars with nothing to show for it except a wildly wealthy founder.”

August 11, 2025: Oakland Police advise residents to “appear as poor as possible”

Residents of Oakland, California are being urged by police to pursue degrees in psychology in order to ward off violent attackers.

“The real victims are the people who, because of their dire circumstances, have been pushed to violate the law,” said a spokesperson for the Mobile Assistance Community Responders of Oakland, or MACRO.

“And we believe we can better serve this community if more of those being attacked know how to provide professional psychiatric help at the scene of the crime, in real time.”

In 2023, police urged residents of crime stricken areas to use air horns to try to scare off attackers and alert their neighbors to a crime occurring. But last year, Oakland residents voted to outlaw air horns after it caused psychological distress to the attackers.

Instead, those being attacked should start by sympathizing with the attacker in order to gain rapport. For beginners, it’s best to start by telling an attacker that you appreciate how frustrated they must be, or even to offer them some food or hot tea.

Anyone with more advanced training and experience in psychology, however, could start by asking the attacker about his/her childhood, and then encourage attackers to explore traumatic events from their lives that may have triggered their criminal behavior.

“Invite them inside for a conversation. Ask them if there is anything that has been weighing on their mind,” MACRO urges.

And officials say that if you are unable to pursue a psychology degree, the best course of action to fend off criminal attackers is to appear as poor as possible, so that there is less incentive to target you.

Don’t wear flashy items like button down shirts or wedding rings. And avoid repainting your home, or repairing damaged porches and fences.

Even letting the weeds grow too long in your yard can be a helpful deterrent to crime.

The fines assessed by the City of Oakland for violating municipal codes about grass length could be well worth it if it deters a break-in.