Sunday Satire: 11 Great Reasons To Stay In California
According to reports, hundreds of thousands of people have fled California in recent years, citing minor annoyances like aggressive homeless people, increased violent crime, and crippling taxes.
Some experts believe that by 2030, the only person left in California will be Gavin Newsom - and he'll spend half his time on his ranch in Montana.
But all these concerns citizens have may be overblown.
There's still a lot to love about the Golden State.
Here are 11 great reasons to stick around:
Zillow estimates your cardboard box house will be worth $3 million in just a few years - Hoooold - HOOOOOLD!!!
If you identify as black you have a decent chance of scoring millions in reparations soon - Pull a Rachel Dolezal and you can be cashing in big time any day now.
There are beautiful natural sights like the warm glow of forest fires lighting up the skies - We call them "the golden lights," and they're magnificent.
Everyone will be gone soon and then there will be no lines at Disneyland - You'll have to push the button to start up the tea cups yourself, but no more waiting!
Everything at CVS is free - Even better than no waiting - no paying for anything!
When you pay your massive state tax bill, you get a sense of satisfaction that you're supporting some hobo's fentanyl addiction - No amount of money saved can make up for that feeling.
Law-abiding citizens don't have guns, so there is never any crime - It's science.
There's great weather outside of fire season, drought season, and deadly mudslide season - There are three days in April without fires, droughts, or mudslides. Enjoy them.
You can ski and surf on the same day, even though you haven't done either in years - But you can be smug in the knowledge that you could if you really wanted to. (But you don't). (But you could).
You can go camping right on the sidewalk - No permit required.
Best of all, the government will make all your decisions for you - This is maybe the best reason to stick around: you won't be burdened with pesky concepts like "liberty" and "personal responsibility." Good ol' Gavin will take care of ya.
Well, that's all we can think of.
If these didn't convince you, then move to Texas and enjoy your lame "freedom" and "guns."