Here it is, the 'Big One'.
You have made it through Bernie's "Trump is bad" speech, Michelle's "Trump is bad" speech, Bill's "Trump is bad" speech, Chuck's "Trump is bad" speech, Nancy's "Trump is bad" speech, AOC's "Bernie is great" speech, Pelosi's "Trump is bad" speech, Obama's "Trump is bad" speech, and finally, Kamala's "Trump is bad" speech; and now you get the payoff - Joe Biden delivers his "Trump is bad" speech.
Tonight's festivities begin with Cory Booker, followed by Pete Buttigieg, Gavin Newsom, Andrew Yang, Mike Bloomberg, and (drum roll please), a late addition - none other than reclusive Hunter Biden.
Watch Live here (prime-time stream starts around 2100ET):
Luckily, we are saved as Matt Taibbi has created an Official Drinking Game, "The Speech Joe Biden Has Been Preparing For His Entire Life" Edition especially for tonight to ease the pain for you and your cats.
I watched Biden speak probably a half-dozen times during the primary campaign, and perhaps a half-dozen times before. He has definite tendencies, and his stump speech hits the same six or seven notes every time, but convention addresses are different. Every line, every word, will be scripted. There shouldn’t be ad-libs, freak-outs at hecklers, etc.
Guessing what an unscripted Joe Biden will do at any given moment is pretty interesting. Here we’re basically trying to guess what Biden and his handlers have decided to put on a teleprompter.
Drink EVERY TIME:
Biden says, “Folks.”
Biden says, “The United States of America.” Double-shots for any multiple-America construction, e.g. “The best America is an America where Americans believe in the American dream.”
Biden says, “Middle-class.”
Biden says, “Get up!” as in, “Folks, you’ve got to get up! This is the United States of America!”
Biden says, “You guys.”
Biden says, “Barack” or references the “Obama-Biden administration.”
Biden says, “Soul of America.”
Biden points out a surprising percentage of something, e.g. “Look, folks, seventy-four percent of venture capital goes to four cities.”
Biden says, “My Mom used to say” or mentions one of his father’s relatable jobs, e.g. “He sold a hell of a lot of cars!”
Biden makes a self-deprecating joke about his age or his tendency to say puzzling things.
Biden finishes a section of his speech with a rhetorical flourish, and he sounds angry, and you can’t tell why, because he’s talking about something non-angering.
Biden tells a story about a rewarding interaction with an ordinary person, as in, “I walk over to the guy up in the bucket. And there’s seven guys around him, all with hard hats on. I yelled up and said, ‘Hey, man, thanks!’”
Biden references a job you’ve never heard of, as in “Why is a sandwich maker being forced to sign a non-compete clause?”
Biden says “systemic.”
Biden tells us there’s nothing we can’t accomplish.
Drink the FIRST TIME only:
Biden begins a sentence with, “Look.”
Biden mentions Scranton.
Biden says something that sounds sort of inappropriate.
You may FINISH THE BOTTLE or QUIT if Biden combines any four of the above in one sentence, e.g. “Look, folks, we’ve got to get up if we’re going to be the kind of America we know America can be.”
“Malarkey,” as always, is an automatic drink.
Again, apologies to Substack subscribers. Back to grownup content soon.
Biden will be speaking sometime after 9 p.m. I will be live-streaming with Katie Halper...
Take small sips and hydrate. Good luck, America!