The following is a transcript of what Russian President Vladimir Putin recently told President Donald Trump during a phone call. This transcript was provided by an anonymous Russian – possibly the same one from whom Rep. Adam Schiff tried to get compromising photos of Trump. Unlike Schiff, we have not doctored this transcript.
“Hello, Trump, this is Vladimir. Hah! Funny man. Vladimir Putin, president of Russia. Listen, we need to have serious talk. We had agreement. You tell me you cooperate if I help you win election in 2016. What’s this make American great again sh*t? I thought that was joke. You start playing with the ball or I’m going to replace you next year with Tulsi Gabbard.
“Yes, Donald, I know, but you are not helpful. Not like Obama. When I rigged his election against … what’s his name? That big, stupid Mormon? Romney, yes, Romney. When I helped Obama he promised to be flexible. Yes, he was very flexible – I got everything I wanted. He was, how you say, pushover. I hoped you would be like him, only more white, of course.
“You make America strongest country in world, now. You increase energy production – that’s not good for me. You give aid to the sniveling Ukrainian dogs. You do nothing for Russia. No, that’s not funny, I tell you funny Soviet joke: What do you do with peasant who steal sack of potatoes? Send him to gulag for three winters. Hmm, perhaps it lose something in translation – in Russian, is very funny. Of course, as we used to say in KGB: In Soviet Russia, joke laughs at you.
“So, listen carefully, Trump. You start helping me or Tulsi gets your job. Yes, she secret Russian asset but we have problem. Clinton knows. Yes, she knows – I read it on the News Fox and the Washington Examination. I don’t know how she knows. Probably those Ukrainian sh*ts told her – you know, the same ones who try to help her win election.
“Clinton is stupid woman, though. She think I groom Tulsi to help you win next year. No, I groom her to take your place. Why? Because she better looking than you and also because I am, how you say, woke: I think it’s time to have woman Russian agent running America. I’ve had black Russian agent, orange Russian agent, and now it’s time for woman Russian agent.
“Yes, it is very funny that everyone Russian agent except that crazy old communist, Bernie – and he’s the only one who wants to be Russian agent! That is right: Clinton also know that Jill Stein is Russian agent. Clinton think everyone Russian agent – it’s the only thing she has ever been right about. But she think I set up Gabbard for the third-party campaign to help you win. No, she is not smart. When you read as many of her emails as I do, that becomes clear.
“What about this third party thing, anyway? You Americans have too many parties. You should have only one, like here in Russia. Your Democratic Party – that is funny name, by the way – your Democratic Party may be fools, but they understand benefit of having only one party.
“Yes, I have the dirt on all other candidates. By January, Gabbard will be ready to take nomination and then you get in the line or you lose, understand?
“OK, Donald, you know what you have to do or it’s Tulsi time – like the famous American country song. OK, I must go now, I have Biden on the other line. He wants his son to be next head of Russian army.”