12 Days Of Christmas Conspiracies

Tyler Durden's Photo
by Tyler Durden
Sunday, Dec 24, 2023 - 02:20 PM

Authored by Nicole James via The Epoch Times,

The 12 days of Christmas are sometimes also known as Twelvetide. Those are the days of drummers drumming and maids a milking (with cows, not almonds).

There’s a pretty heated debate around the first day of Twelvetide, with some saying it’s Christmas Day (Dec. 25), and others throwing their bets for Dec. 26.

If you roll with the 26th you hit Jan. 6 on the final day; the traditional Christian feast day of Epiphany. This is D-day for taking down Christmas celebrations, unless you want a year-long ticket on the bad luck train.

Back in 567 AD, someone decided to make this 12-day season official.

While we don’t know when the song first originated it was published around 1780 but could be centuries older.

Partridges in pear trees might have been the norm back then but in 2023, the government is not handing those out.

Here’s a look at what we might score this year depending on whether we’ve been naughty or nice (sung to the tune of the 12 days of Christmas if you are feeling particularly jolly).

Day 1

On the first day of Christmas my government sent to me another conspiracy theory.

The government's been playing truth or dare with our minds again. They've been waving around conspiracy theories like it's a bingo card, but guess what they dropped on us? Alien life.

Now, we've always had that itch in the back of our brains going, "What if E.T. is out there sipping space tea?"

But now that the suits have confirmed it, we're a bit miffed. Like, seriously? We were happier not knowing, and now you're telling us it's legit?

So here we are, grappling with the reality that aliens might be cruising around in their cosmic convertibles, and it's not just a late-night sci-fi binge-induced delusion. Government, you've officially blown our minds

Day 2

On the second day of Christmas my government sent to me two new wars.

Spin the war roulette wheel and see where we end up? Iran? Azerbaijan?

Or could the next war be against those reptilian creatures from Kepler 186f?

Day 3

On the third day of Christmas my government sent to me three cyber attacks.

I guess it only takes one big one. And according to the Nostradamus’s of the world (those who may not be named), we are cruising straight into cyber attack central.

Hold on to your mice (or mouses!) It’s about to get wild in the digital neighbourhood.

People gather to watch a fireworks display during the lighting of a Christmas tree at Martin Palace in Sydney, on Nov. 30, 2023. (Saeed Khan/AFP via Getty Images)

Day 4

On the fourth day of Christmas my government sent to me four Trump indictments

Who has lost count of the number of times Donald Trump’s been indicted. As Tucker Carlson says, each time his supporters get stronger.

Over the course of five months, ex-President Trump found himself in the legal hot seat not once, not twice, but four times.

In Washington, D.C., he's dealing with four felony counts for trying to shake up the 2020 election.

Skip over to Georgia, and he's got 13 felony counts for messing with their election scene. Now, in New York, things heat up with a whopping 34 felony counts tied to hush money payments involving a certain adult film star.

And down in Florida? Well, he's got a solid 40 felony counts for holding onto some classified docs post-presidency and throwing a wrench in the government's attempts to get them back.

It's a legal rollercoaster folks, but one that we all hope will come to a positive end for the ex-pres.

Day 5

On the fifth day of Christmas my government sent me 5G towers.

The 5G network has a whole playground of possibilities. There’s the nefarious plot to control our minds. But more grounded theories include it being linked to various health and environmental risks.

Some say 5G networks emit harmful levels of radiation, which can lead to cancer and other illnesses.

Now, I'm not throwing shade or anything, just laying out the theories on the table.

Day 6

On the sixth day of Christmas my government sent to me 6,000 new genders.

According to Medical News Today, there are no fixed numbers of genders. They occur on a spectrum, which really means that the possibilities are infinite. says that the most commonly known genders in 2023 number 107.

Day 7

On the seventh day of Christmas my government sent to me seven continents a-boiling.

United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres just dropped a new phrase in global boiling—the era that has arrived and brought with it so much snow that the private jets were snowed in on the runway instead of arriving at Cop28.

That’s where the UAE’s Sultan Al Jaber said there was “no science” behind demands for the phase-out of fossil fuels and that phasing out coal, oil, and gas would take the world “back into caves.”

Talk about a hot take!

A Christmas decoration seen amid smoke from a bushfire at West Wallsend in Newcastle, Australia, on Dec. 14, 2023. (Roni Bintang/Getty Images)

Day 8

On the eighth day of Christmas my government sent to me eight visits by Volodymyr Zelenskyy.

Ding Dong. President Zelenskyy calling.

Is it time to close that door on him? This guy's clocking in his third visit to Washington, and wouldn’t mind having his frequent flyer points racked up after trips to 36 countries worldwide.

Day 9

On the ninth day of Christmas my government sent to me, nine nurses dancing.

During COVID, some doctors and nurses decided to throw “influencer” onto their resumes.

Now, don't get me wrong, lots of nurses are absolute heroes, but it seems like a few are dreaming of trading their stethoscopes for TikTok dance-offs.

The world has plenty of aspiring dancers, but the shortage of top-notch nurses is a real deal.

So, let's keep it real and practical. None of us really need or want to see more nurses busting moves on TikTok. Like ever.

Day 10

On the tenth day of Christmas my government sent to me ten COVID variants

We’ve had the whole Greek alphabet of variants and then when we arrive at Omicron unleashing more than 650 sub-lineages each rocking its combo of letters and numbers.

A man receives a dose of Comirnaty Omicron XBB 1.5 Pfizer vaccine for COVID-19 at a pharmacy in Ajaccio, on Oct. 5, 2023. (Pascal Pochard-Casabianca/AFP via Getty Images)

But they’re ditching the boring stuff and giving these new variants names like Kraken, basilisk, and gryphon? How cool is that?

I'm thinking; why not take it up a notch? Let's have the next wave of sub-variants sponsored by some big-shot organisations. Talk about prime marketing opportunities right there!

Day 11

On the 11th day of Christmas my government sent to me 11 lizard overlords.

Conspiracy buffs just can't get enough of the lizard people hype.

Imagine chilling out watching X when a world leader casually peels off their face like it's a beauty mask, only to unveil the reptilian features of an otherworldly overlord. Talk about a wild gift, right?

The deal is, this belief rolls with the idea that sneaky reptilian aliens are pulling the strings from behind the cosmic curtain, low-key controlling Earth and playing puppeteer with human affairs.

According to this tale, these shape-shifting lizard-like creatures smoothly blend into human society, snagging power gigs in governments, corporations, and all the big shots. Fans of the Lizard Overlords plot often cite bits from ancient texts and myths.

Day 12

On the 12th day of Christmas my government sent to me 12 chemtrails spraying.

Are those chemtrails, not just composed of water vapour, but are deliberate releases of chemicals by the government or other evil beings (i.e. lizard people)?

According to some, chemtrails can modify weather, enact mind control, or even play puppeteer with the population.

People throw around terms like barium, aluminium, and strontium finding them in soil and water samples saying it backs up the chemtrail story.

Yet studies attribute these substances to natural sources or unrelated human activities.

Who knows whether fact or fiction but Epoch Times readers are keeping their minds open on this one.

Merry Christmas to all.