Royal Society Blames Climate Change™ on Free-Range Eggs, Floats Rations

Originally published via Armageddon Prose:

In recent findings provided by the philanthropic practitioners of The Science™ that definitely have nothing to do with solidifying totalitarian control over the food supply in order to weaponize its against non-compliant serfs on the techno-plantation but rather borne out of altruistic concern for Mother Gaia, the UK Royal Society has concluded that, despite what common sense might indicate to the contrary, allowing egg-producing chickens to graze freely in pastures as they’ve done with great success for millennia is actually extremely harmful to the Earth Mother, as such activity produces a terrifying volume of carbon dioxide — the molecule that plants breathe and then convert into oxygen for humans to breathe in a deadly symbiotic interplay that The Science™ is determined to subvert.

For your own good, you understand — and the chickens’, whom they love so dearly.

For all of Mother Earth’s children.

They’re liberal animal lovers, these do-gooder nerds of The Science™ priest class, as well as people lovers.

Love is all you need.

And Hope and Change.

Via The Guardian:

“Organic eggs are twice as bad for the climate as eggs from chickens living in cages, research suggests…
This is because organic free-range models need more chickens for the same number of eggs produced, as birds living in cages tend to be more efficient.
Organic free-range production also scored worst in its potential for water eutrophication, acidification and land use. Chicken mortality was also highest in organic free range farming, the researchers said…
The researchers estimated that 1,439,000 tCO2e is emitted under the current regime, in which egg production is split between caged, barn-housed, free-range non-organic and free-range organic systems.”

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Industrial factory farm cages, where the cramped birds, with highly skewed omega 3:6 ratios due to their industrial soy and corn feed, wallow in squalor and disease until they’re liberally and lovingly put out of their misery, are, perhaps counterintuitively but factually nonetheless, the friendliest to Mother Gaia and her many two-legged and four-legged children.

From the study, via Royal Society Open Science (emphasis added):

“Among husbandry systems, the furnished cage system tended to exhibit the lowest environmental impacts per unit of product across all categories, followed by the battery cage system, which offers more limited space and, although no longer permitted in the EU, remains in use globally…
The organic free-range system had the highest global warming potential, eutrophication potential and land occupation compared with all other husbandry systems…
Consequently, any substitution away from cages is likely to increase emissions. Our cage-based scenarios, therefore, offer valuable insights into the potential environmental consequences of transitioning from cage-dominated systems to alternative husbandry approaches…
Overall, a transition away from the cage-based husbandry systems is likely to come with higher environmental impacts and considerable consequences for animal welfare…
Our findings indicate that future animal welfare policy should also account for the environmental impacts of production…
Moreover, future changes in per capita egg consumption may also need to be considered, particularly in countries over-consuming eggs*.”

*The Royal Society, mouthpiece of the inbred Transylvanian squatter family that is allowed nominal sovereignty over Britain for some reason, took an awful long time — thousands and thousands of words — to get to the punchline: “Future changes in per capita egg consumption” (for the peasants, that is, not for the oligarch class, who get to fly on private jets and eat whatever they like).

Let them eat zhe bugs!

Benjamin Bartee, author of Broken English Teacher: Notes From Exile (now available in paperback), is an independent Bangkok-based American journalist with opposable thumbs.

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